Mood music: (x)

The first boy I ever loved was Sungyeol. We were children, running around and playing outside after school and during the summer months. We had nothing to worry about except the setting sun, who would always cut short our afternoons of play and force us to go home. Sungyeol and I would do everything together, whether or not other kids in our neighborhood joined in. We were each other’s best friend, though at the time, we were too young to know what friendship really meant.

But of course, there came a time when our days under the sun had to end. We played as usual, chasing each other into the treeline. And then, pausing to catch our breaths, I blurted out something that had long sat heavy on my chest.

“I like you,” I said.

There was silence. And then… “I’m moving,” he responded.

After the summer, I never did see Sungyeol again. But the thing I missed most about him was his Cheshire-cat grin and playful energy. And those days of innocent childhood fun…

The boy across from me uncrossed his legs and shifted in his seat. I blinked, and unconsciously shifted a little too. The airport intercom crackled overhead, but I hardly heard it through my headphones. The beautiful music continued on...

After Sungyeol, I didn’t much take to anyone for a few years. Then, in middle school, there was Myungsoo.

I remember there was something so deep about him. So mysterious. He associated with the popular clique, even though he was so quiet and, at times, even stand-offish. But as a nerdy girl, the paradox only intrigued me more. I found myself constantly wondering about him. If he was happy. If he wasn’t. If he really wanted to belong with the popular clique at all. If he would dare to be around someone like me.

Then, during a seat change in class, it so happened that I was assigned the seat next to him. I remember that when he came by my side, I suddenly wondered if I was breathing too loudly. I panicked, and began really listening to each breath for fear of him finding me weird. After a few minutes, I decided to hold my breath completely, because somehow it made sense in my foolish pre-pubescent mind.

And for the first time in my life, I fainted.

I finally woke up on a cramped cot at the school nurse’s office. It took a moment to remember what had happened, but when the memories came flooding back, I was mortified. I tried to leave the office immediately, but the nurse insisted I stay until the end of the day. I had no choice but to sit there, knees pulled up to my chest, while the awful thought of me passing out beside Myungsoo replayed over and over and over in my mind.

The bell finally rang to let school out. I hurried to grab my things, but stopped at the sound of a light knock on the door.

“Who… who is it?”

I watched the door slowly creek open. And my jaw almost hit the floor.

It was Myungsoo.

I don’t think I said anything. I couldn’t. I could hardly think… or rather, I didn’t know what to think. Should I be surprised? Embarrassed? And what was he doing here? Was he going to fill me in on class? Did he pity me?

“Uh… hi,” he said.

“Hello.”

“I was just… making sure you’re okay.”

“Oh… Thanks. I’m fine, really…”

“…”

“…”

“Okay. Well, good. See you tomorrow.”

And just like that, the door closed and I was alone.

For the rest of the year, I was too nervous and humiliated to say more than ‘hello’ to Myungsoo. And after a few weeks, we got another seat change, so I didn’t have to be beside him anymore. But after seeing that he was nice enough to come check-up on me, I decided I liked him. Really liked him. Enough, that he became my first-ever schoolgirl crush.

But I never did tell him…

The boy across from me turned a page. I glanced at his hands, at the way his fingers gently wrapped themselves around the spine of the book. And I wondered if he had ever been someone’s schoolgirl crush.

Probably, I thought. Then I wondered if a girl ever confessed to him. I wondered if he surprised her with his unexpected kindness…

Then, there was Dongwoo. At the start of high school, one of my friends started dating one of his friends, and needless to say, this led to a few group hang-outs where I fell into his company. At first, he struck me as a bit odd. He was so energetic, always laughing about something or cracking a joke. And he was so physically active, climbing on top of things or suddenly jumping up and down in excitement. To be honest, I didn’t much trust him.

But then, our mutual friends had a messy break-up that left me to spend hours trying to console my friend. Later that night, I suddenly got a phone call from him. I excused myself from the room, apologizing profusely to my friend while she continued to cry. Alone in the bathroom, I answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey. It’s me, Dongwoo.”

“Oh… what’s up?”

He laughed again. “Not much. How are you holding up?”

“Eh, I’m alright. My friend is a mess, and I’ve been trying to tell her that some things just weren’t meant to b--”

“No, no. I meant, how are you holding up?”

For some reason, I was totally taken aback. “I’m… a little tired. I guess.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

We stayed on the phone in silence. Just listening to each other breathe. And admittedly, it felt nice. There was something comfortable about it. Familiar.

I loved Dongwoo. But only because he soon became one of my closest friends…

The song ended with a slight click, and I realized I had been staring into space. I snapped back to attention, blinking a bit. And just in that moment, the boy across from me shifted again in his seat, looking up to roll his neck in stretch. And then, our eyes met.

I surprised myself. Instead of immediately looking away or flinching in embarrassment, I held his gaze. For some reason, I didn’t feel embarrassed. And apparently, neither did he.

He gave a small smile, and I returned it. Then we both bowed slightly and went back to our business. I hit the replay button and continued to think…

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