Chapter 4

THE DIARY OF KIM JONGHYUN

CHAPTER 4

DATE ENTRY: 6 JANUARY 2013

"Dear diary, I have been missing writing for two days. I have a fever after what happen the other day. I don't know if it got to do with me experiencing some paranormal activity at Krystal apartment. I may have been hallucinating about all of it anyway, I keep telling that to myself. I can't bear thinking of having those horrified experience again since I....am scaredy cat. I am sighing now...well a man being scaredy cat is the worse and so uncool. I'm suppose to be cool, you know..."

"I have a lot to write about. Since I have a fever few days ago so I just stay at my bed whole time. I get up by myself to feed myself. It is inconvenient but I was saved. Guess who come visit me? Lee Taemin? My manager? Nah...not those two. It was Krystal. I was surprised to see her and she was shock too after seeing me almost faint at the door. She kindly brought me some lunch that day and seeing me looking so helpless she help me. She help me walk to my room by supporting my body and then I rested at the bed. She made me porridge and give me medicine. She was taking care of me and I cannot help but feel so happy inside. She seems so gentle and kind went she caresses me."

"I remember what we talk about when Krystal sitting besides my bed..."

Flashback

"Jonghyun sshi." Krystal says my name.

"Wae yo?" I ask her and my eye lit almost closing but I tried not to fall asleep at time like this.

"Nothing actually. Guess you don't really remember me." She said to me.

I wonder what she means, have we met before.

"Do we know each other in the past?" I ask her. I could see her eyes turning cold and she look at me with her usual serious face.

"Maybe...you should figure it out yourself." She said coldly.

"Eh...how I suppose to figure it out. Hey, aren't you younger than me? You should call me oppa." I frowned at her answer.

"Jonghyun oppa? There I said it Jonghyun sshi." She said to me as her face get closer to my face. She smirk seeing my reaction. Krystal then stand up and she just wave me goodbye. She tells me to rest and she will come again tonight. 

"Thank you Krystal for taking care of me." I said to her and I saw her turn around showing me her gorgeous smiles that makes me melt.

"My pleasure, oppa." She said and went out the door. 

End of flashback

"All those moment still bear in my mind until now...I feel like luck is on my side and feel closer to Krystal. At least I still have a chance to be with her. I know I shouldn't rush about dating since I am a rising celebrity an dating rumour can be a problem for my career. Life are not that easy...I don't really mind exposing my personal life such as dating and such but I guess it could be a problem after all."

JONGHYUN POV

I yawned and strectch a little. I keep my diary at the closet and making sure it lock safe. What time is it. I look at the clock but I saw the clock are stop at 2.00am. The clock was broken. I walk to my kitchen to grab some snacks and after that I bring it to the living room. I decide to watch a movie. I feel bored and I have been sleeping a lot for two days. Now, its time for some entertainment. 

Tick tock

I flinch as I heard bell at my door. I wonder whose coming at my apartment at this time. I slowly walking toward the door and turn on the monitor. There was no one outside my apartment. My eyes were searching to see if anyone hiding from the camera or something. It probably a prank. I turn around ready to continue my plan watching a movie but my foot stop as I heard the bell again. I turn around and see the monitor again but these time there is someone outside. 

It was Taemin. He look at me with his emotionless expression for a while before a gruesome smiles appear at his face. I suddenly feel cold and my breathing getting heavy. I was panicking and I could see smoke coming out because of the sudden cold temperature. 

"Hyung..."

I could hear his faint voice calling me...my eyes widen and I feel my heart beating at crazy pace. What the hell is going on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hahaha, young man

You're scaring him

Such a scaredy cat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

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pinboo #1
Hello, here's your goody bag for joining my TMaF semi-contest! Thank you!

Plot: I think the preliminary information is actually sufficient to lure readers in, especially mystery lover. There's nothing much I can tell about the plot, and most likely because the story is incomplete. However, based on what you've written, there are some things to point out.

The concept is actually kind of engaging, I think because you managed to hide some part of the plot and the mystery element still remains in the fiction. I cannot say much about plot development, and so far, I'm only able to say that the plot has not really moved anywhere aside from Jonghyun having these two neighbors –who are either weird or secretive. On the flow of the plot, you actually surprise me in the sense that I don't exactly mind nothing has really happened so far –like, despite anything, I actually can enjoy the little bouncing game you take to elaborate on the mystery elements of the fiction (subject to my comments on the style section below). This is notwithstanding the fact that in the end you still need to finish the plot because otherwise, the current plot is kinda disrupted.



Characters: There are some traits seen to the characters, which is good –but what I want to point out is that you get the character traits by telling it to the readers instead of showing it to the readers. This way, the readers might get to know the characters, but do not exactly feel/understand them. In the end, there's a less sympathy that a reader can have to the characters. It is important to be noted that you want the readers to care for your characters, instead of only knowing them by the descriptions you conveyed.
pinboo #2
Firstly, Jonghyun. What kind of bugs me is the fact that he actually writes a diary. This may be a minor issue to some people, but well, on a general matter, I don't really see how a guy actually write that kind of diary. Another thing that I want to point out is that you have a lot of chances to show Jonghyun's characteristic because you often use 1st POV in the story. But the fact is, I don't exactly catch anything meaningful about Jonghyun aside from the fact that he's a superstar, he has a crush on Krystal, and he thinks Taemin is creepy. Sure there are other things, but these are not actual traits or characteristics. They're just information –and characterizing a character takes more than that.

Taemin actually manages to maintain the creepiness –which is good. The caveat is, this impression comes from the fact that he smirks in a weird manner and seems to have this... stalker-ish tendency towards Jonghyun. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're trying to portray Taemin as the psychopath element of this mystery story. If you read/watch lots of mystery, you might realize that psychotic's characteristics are not displayed that blatantly. Psychopath, despite their weird tendencies, have other personalities aside from being weird. This is what I think you need to incorporate. Thankfully though, you manage to insert a little background about Taemin and his mother or something –this, I think gives better dimension to his character.

Krystal is still bland and 'undetected' as a character, but I actually like this secretive aura about her that you revealed in your 5th (7th) chapter. I expect her to be more developed than a mere pretty cold girl that Jonghyun seems to like.
pinboo #3
Style: Before I go to the substance of your writing stylistic, I'd like to point out that unfortunately you have actually violated one of the rules. There are numerous 1st POVs in the story –which are not allowed in this contest. I can understand if it's a couple of lines or something, but your 1st POVs actually loiter the fic a lot.

But anyway, even putting that aside, there are some other issues about the style that I'd like to point out. Firstly, often time, you repeat the same plot/storyline, only told in different POV (either Jonghyun's or Taemin's). I have no problem with that generally, but the thing is, there is no actual meaningful difference of plot/storyline between the version in, say, Jonghyun's POV and Taemin's POV. This leads to a rather repetitive/redundant storyline, and you might actually bore the readers that way –because there's a lack of substantial different information on the different character's POV. You also have the tendencies to circle around flashback. Some of your flashback are informative and they actually bring something new to the table. These ones are fine. However, some of your other flashbacks, again, are just repeating the same information.

You also still fall to the "tell not show" trap occasionally. In addition, you also need to have the flair to your writing. At this rate, I personally still think that your writing style is rather bland and not really engaging. Another point is your tenses. I'm certainly not the best when it comes to grammar and stuffs, but even in my level, some of your tenses are not correct.
pinboo #4
Suggestion:
• Choose the scene appropriately. If it has been told, you don't need to repeat the scene. Or else, your plot is not moving anywhere despite the fact that your fic already has 5 chapters.
• Don't just blatantly tell us who Jonghyun, Krystal, or Taemin is. Characterizing takes more than mere telling background information of the characters. Remember, a writer needs to ensure that the readers to care about their characters, instead of only briefly knowing them.
• Don't be discouraged and continue on with the plot.

Favorite Parts:
• I like the air of mystery that the fic still manages to create so far.
• Despite my comments on the character sections above, I like how the characters, especially Taemin and Krystal, have this secret yet to be revealed. It keeps the readers on the seat –wanting to know who and what they are actually up to.
• Despite the comments on plot, flow, and redundancy of plot, somehow, I still don't mind reading it.
kuromi_hanami91 #5
HWAITING! HOPE TO FINISH THIS BEFORE DATELINE.
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