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One of the first things I noticed when we arrive in Detroit was it was nowhere near as dangerous as we were told.  It was mostly abandoned and the biggest danger, it seemed to me, was falling through the rotted wooden floorboards in the buildings our photographer had chosen for filming.

We spent the morning being dragged from filming site to filming site, checking out the landscape of our next music video.  Himchan seemed unimpressed with Detroit, asking about our next meal and fiddling with the AC controls on the side panel of his seat.  It was possible he was disappointed by the lack of gun-wielding villains we’d been promised, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a tiny bit let down by this too.

In movies, America seemed to be divided into two categories, the ultra rich lands of shopping and excess filled with pretty blond girls and fancy cars... and the poverty stricken urban war zones featured in rap videos.  On our last visits we hadn’t really seen much of the poverty wastelands, places that I had been informed by Yongguk hyung, were the birthplace of jazz and hip-hop.  We'd taken a very short detail into the Bronx but it didn't look much rougher than Hongdae. But for Detoriot we’d been promised utter desolation and immediate danger, and I had been looking forward to seeing them to be honest…but only from behind the tinted windows of our sleek van, driven by a security detail of two giant black men.

To my right Yongguk sat face pressed to the glass set in a stoic mask.  I assumed he was deep in important political thoughts I wouldn’t understand or care about.  Behind me my dongsaengs literally bounced with excitement. Junhong and Jongup sat mouths wide open as they stared out of opposing windows and Youngjae, sandwiched between them, bounced from side to side trying to see everything.

He’d told me once long ago (on a night when we were too filled with adrenaline to fall asleep) that he loved architecture, especially the Western style churches and government buildings you saw in old movies.  I imagine this filming site tour was like a visit to the amusement park for him. An ornate theater with artfully broken stained glass was followed by an abandoned train station with cold stone edifices and ghoulish statues perched atop the entrance.

“Gargoyles!” Youngjae exclaimed bouncing excitedly, pounding his knees with tightly clenched fists.  He was, without trying, one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.

His smile was so wide that his eye were barely slits though they still shone… I wanted them to shine like that for me.  His high cheekbones had a faint pink glow… the same shade they got when he caught me staring at him.  It happened a lot nowadays but I had a hard time stopping myself from looking. He was beautiful.  

I don’t know if he became utterly beautiful to me because I had grown to care so much for him or if it was because after losing weight and maturing, he actually was more beautiful than ever before.

There was a third option, one I tried not to think about, but of course my new found appreciation for his beauty could have been a result of our recent physical… event.  In New York, after too many drinks and completely abandoning judgement we’d had and things we’re understandably different.

When he caught me looking at him he immediately stopped bouncing, unfurling his fingers and sitting more alert.  I longed to see him smile at me like that again. We had returned to normal, more or less, but he didn’t show this side of himself much anymore.  His wide-eyed dorky naivety was replaced with caustious, masculine friendship.  He still confided in me and I him, but he did so at a safe manly distance.  He was more physically and emotionally distant than we had ever been, even more so than my first months at TS when he hated me.  

He avoided all hugs and touch now.  When we shared hotel rooms, we closed doors, dressed fully before entering the main room and slept in our own beds.  

It was hell.  

I had ruined one of the things I cherished so dearly. With stupid hormones I killed my perfect friendship, the one solid unmoving thing in our roller coaster life. But self control was not my strong suit. I ate whatever I wanted, I said whatever I wanted (even when I knew it could mean trouble) and when I really wanted someone apparently I ed them with no regard for the consequences.