I hated it. I hated it all. My mom could tell I was angry or upset about something, but when she asked about it, I'd calmly lie and say that nothing had happened.

In fact, everything had happened! I hated my school, I hated my classmates, I hated the fact that I was always the one getting picked on and laughed at and being labled 'different' or 'stupid'. It was like I had the plague, and everyone had better stay the hell away from me or they'll get it too. I wanted to just yell at them all! I wanted to yell 'Are you really that stupid?!' 

I couldn't do that though. It'd just give them more amo to throw my way. I could hear them all now. 'Ooooh the freak stood up for herself! What kind of an idiot does that?'

That was exactly why the moment I came home, I went straight to my room, slammed my door, thrown my backpack on the floor angrily, and collapsed into my pillow on top of my bed. I'd had days like this before, but for whatever reason, today was the day I finally decided that nothing was going to be okay and it would've just been better for everyone if I just quit.

Quit what? I thought. Quit living? Quit going to school? The hot tears kept pouring down my face as I imagined all my possibilities. Would dying really solve anything? Probably not. Neither would giving up on school.

But its not like anyone would care.

I stuffed my face deeper into my pillow. At that moment, I didn't care if I lived or died, I just wanted something to help me find my decision. 

It was when my ear bud fell out of my ear that I suddenly remembered that I still had my iPod still . Why the hell is 'Joy' playing? I asked myself reaching into my pocket. It was a cheerful song, and I didn't need cheerful right now. Besides, me listening to Arashi was exactly why I hated my life right now. A blond haired blue-eyed white girl listening to Japanese music was just asking for torment and ridicule from everyone else. Arashi was the last thing I wanted to listen to right now.

Right as I was going to change it, the song changed, and the only reason I didn't change it was because it was a slow song. A calming song. It started on the piano, and something like that always calmed me down.

Nani ga seikai de　Nani ga machigae de
Dakara “daijoubu”　Nante icchatte
Sono kotoba ga jibun wo　Keeku kara
Sore ga ichiban kowai koto dakara

The words made me stop everything and listen. I had memorized the English lyrics when they were available, so I knew exactly what he was saying.

What is right? What is wrong?
So I said, "it's okay"
Those words were erasing myself
That was what I was most afraid of

How did Nino possibly know how I was feeling? Lying to everyone to make them happy.. was I truly erasing myself?

Yell with all your might, "I'm here!" like it's proof of yourself
We are not that weak, but we're not that strong either
That's why it's okay to cry. There's nothing to be embarrased about
Only people who have a tomorrow can do it because it's the signal of going to that tomorrow.

By now, I was sitting up and listening to him sing. Somehow, Arashi always seemed to have this effect on me that just made me calm down, listen, and just pay attention to what they had to say. Even though I didn't understand Japanese one hundred percent, I understood enough to be able to do that.

Crying   Searching   Falling down   Crying again
That's how you become an adult

Afraid of getting hurt
If I always try not to cry, I'll stop laughing

As I listened, I pictured my life that day and what had happened. I had been teased and made fun of, and it had hurt. But I suddenly realized that it was just a test. A test for me to see how much I could endure until I cried enough to learn how to make the best out of it. I was growing. This was normal.

When I realized I was alone, I was scared
That's when your voice came, so gentle it hurt
If I cry, then you'll say, "You're a crybaby"
When I tried to say "You too," I relaxed and laughed

Like always, messing around and arguing
Don't say it's nostalgic now   Tightly hold onto the "now" that's there

That made me chuckle a little bit. I knew Nino would definately be like that if he saw me. I pictured him saying, "Don't cry! You're sixteen years old and crying over nothing! You must be weaker than I thought."

Look, breath in and out   You're living
Walking one step at a time   Just that is enough

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I was going to be okay. I was going to get over this. Maybe I had cried over nothing and thought about dying because I had no where else to go. But I couldn't die. Not now. Not today. 

It's alright, we'll always be here
So try confessing everything
Come on, you should stand tall and say it
That is us

I opened my eyes and they slowly met the small Arashi poster I had hanging over my bed. It had all five of them a few years after they debuted looking at me, looking as handsome and dorky as they ever did. All of them were in red sweat suits, and it was still amazing to me that they ever looked like that. Ohno looked like some weird nerd, Nino had blond hair, Sho had his Bambi teeth, Aiba still had his beautiful smile, and Jun still had his serious looking face on. It made me smile.

"Arashi," I said aloud, knowing they couldn't hear me. "Arigatou."

In a time of need, I needed them. And damn everyone else who made fun of me for it.

Always   Zutto zutto

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I had a terrible night last night. It was one of those nights where I just hated everything about me and everything in my life (it was that bad). But I have had days like this where I just felt so alone that I've had no idea what to do but cry. I am the only kid in my school that listens to Arashi (or anything that isn't English or Spanish), and sometimes it just to be me because I don't know who to talk to about this or if I can even talk about this.

Plus, I'm still trying to figure out my life after high school, so it just adds to the pressure of trying to figure out what I'm going to do. 

http://aibakarabu.wordpress.com/2009/09/15/little-piece-of-heaven-g/ this is a fanfic that I once found that is one of my absolute favorites. When I read it the first time, I cried. That's a little why I wanted to make one of my own.

I hope it's good!! ^^ Tell me what you think.