The trees swayed and danced along with the wind. The sun shone brightly enough and the leaves were changing from green to a slight brown. It was one unpleasant Friday evening, and autumn was coming soon.

Autumn is the transition from summer to winter. Fall is what others call it.

But why was it already too cold for Zhang Yixing?

Summer was when the unicorn found a second chance at love with the angel who healed his heart. 

Fall was when he felt numb again. Like the warmth was gradually replaced by the cold.

Like everything was falling apart.

 

Autumn was when he died, again.

 

The first time Seolhyun tasted the sweetness of Yixing’s kiss, she swears it was bliss. Or even better.

It was sweet and tender and soft. It was then eager and hungry and aggressive. It was again slow and hesitant and languid. It was everything she dreamt it would be yet wasn’t what she expected initially. It was everything she imagined it would be, at the same time, it was so much more. It was better.

It was better because it was no longer a fantasy. It was better because it was real.

 

Seolhyun’s lips tasted like red velvet. But even better.

It was red and full, seductive and inviting. The luscious plump has drawn Yixing again and again, and when he finally allowed himself to indulge in its sweetness and satisfy his craving, he was immediately lost. He was barely keeping himself from losing control; he has quickly gotten too addicted. He was overdosed by delicious lips, almost too enticing, ever so soft like velvet.

An angel’s lips so sinful—he could almost let himself forget about everything else. It didn’t matter where they were, it didn’t matter if people were outside, it didn’t matter if they could get caught. He was sure what love was at that very moment and if that was wrong, what they had then, then he might as well be damned—he doesn’t ever want to be right.

 

It’s been a while since Yixing has confessed, a while since Seolhyun accepted his heart. It’s been a while since they realized that they were falling in love, a while since they have fallen even before they knew it themselves.

But this was a first. The first. This kiss.

A first for Seolhyun for all her life, and might not be for Yixing but…

It was their first kiss.

And it finally all made sense.

The first kiss they shared made Seolhyun understand what everybody else meant, all those experienced people and fictional characters, the basis of all her secondhand knowledge about everything she knows about love. Ever since she’s met Yixing, she could finally relate to the things she once thought were cheesy, overrated and exaggerated. Ever since she’s loved Yixing, she knew what it was like to love irrevocably and unconditionally, to love against all odds.

The first kiss they shared was a secret sealed behind the four walls of Seolhyun’s room in her dorm.

The first kiss they shared was a reassurance that no matter how busy Yixing was with all of his work, no matter how time and schedule and distance seemed to be a great hindrance to their relationship at times, it was all worth it.

The first kiss they shared was heavenly. And this is an understatement. It’s been a while, but it hasn’t been that long since they knew of each other’s feelings—the kiss was a tool, a proof, a symbol that all of those were true.

It was their first kiss.

And it was also their last.

 

 

“Meimei.”

Park Seulki could think of a thousand possible reasons for Zhang Yixing to call her just when she was about to fall asleep. She could recall a thousand times he’s called her with that endearment, too, each time with a different tone, volume, timbre, mood.

But she didn’t expect this.

She didn’t like this.

Not when Yixing was by her doorstep, his head down, looking both depressed and hesitant, his voice thick with sadness and angst. He looked up. He was crying.

“Gege, what’s wrong?” She worriedly asked, scurrying off to her feet and hurriedly approaching her brother. She held his hands and pulled him with her to her bed where she made him sit down beside her. “What happened?”

“I messed up.” He said, but she couldn’t hear him clearly what with all his sobbing.

Seulki waited for him to calm down and helped comfort him before asking again.

“What’s wrong, gege? What happened?”

Yixing shook his head and covered his face with his hands. Seulki trapped his between both of hers and made him look at her. She eyed him straight in the eye and he took a deep breath.

“I told her, Seulki. I told her…”

“Told who what?”

Yixing didn’t answer but his gaze told him more things than words ever could.

“Oh my God,” Seulki whispered breathily, shocked with what she’d just realized. “You told her?! Why? Gege, why would you—”

“I love her, Seulki,” Yixing interrupted. “I love her so much.”

“But…”

“I couldn’t lie to the person I love anymore. I just couldn’t.”

 

Whenever she gets bored, Seulki finds refuge in the library. Loud as she was, peace and quiet will always be her sweet escape. That, and books. What better way to escape reality than through fiction, anyway?

She was only halfway through the first chapter of Rainbow Rowell’s Carry On, though, when she realized that no matter how much you try to run away from reality, you just can’t. It will never leave you alone.

Why?

Because there, sitting right in front of her, was Kim Seolhyun, looking all sad and depressed with her head down as she fiddled with her fingers. Seulki was still hungover from last night’s drama and it really drained her happy virus so she thought she’d get the day off and maybe overdose herself with happy pill aka Park Chanyeol—

Anyway, Seolhyun seemed like she had something to say but wasn’t saying anything so Seulki thought she’d help and broke the silence instead.

“Seolhyun-ah! Hello. I didn’t see you there earlier.”

“Unnie…” She finally looks up now and tries to muster a smile. It comes out halfhearted but a smile nonetheless. Seulki beams back sincerely.

“How are you?” the older of the two asked.

Seolhyun seems to have found this question quite difficult to answer. Her response comes a bit late, just as Seulki has blurted out another thing to say.

“I’m okay.”

“I know you’re not okay.”

At least one of them must have found the fact that they said these together a bit funny because Seulki chuckles while Seolhyun just bows her head again and closes her eyes, fighting back tears from falling.

But it wasn’t funny, no, not at all, not even for Seulki who thought it was heartbreaking to see someone so broken like this. Why can’t everyone just be happy all the time, she asked herself. Why do we have to experience sadness just to know what real happiness is like.

She reaches out for Seolhyun’s hand and caresses it on top of the table. She gives it a reassuring squeeze and then added, “But you will be.”

 

 

 

Yixing sighs and looks up the stars. He loves it there at the roofdeck, where the breeze was cold and no one was there to bother him as he enjoyed the peaceful night.

Yixing closes his eyes, arms tuck beneath his head, his legs outstretched comfortable, and thinks.

He thinks and reminisces.

He remembers how Seolhyun looked when he told her what he felt about her. He had prepared flowers and a song, both she loved as much as the one who gave them with all of his heart. She looked so serene and happy as she smiled and looked up at him with eyes that screamed the same intensity of love, of emotions he felt towards her. He remembers how euphoric the feeling was to hear a simple three-letter word uttered with the most genuine sincerity anyone could muster. He remembers the day he gave up his heart for someone else, the day that person accepted it completely in exchange of her own. He remembers the day Seolhyun finally became his.

He remembers how Seolhyun looked at him like he was some sort of celestial being sent from above especially to bless her life with happiness and joy. This was the contrary, though, for Yixing was utterly convinced that if there was an angel between the two of them, it’s Seolhyun. He was also utterly convinced that he was totally unworthy of someone as perfectly beautiful like her, inside and out. He remembers how much he hated himself for every missed rendezvous, every forgotten date. He still does. He hates himself more than anything and anyone in the planet. He never changed, he could tell himself that. He remembers every smile that was plastered on Seolhyun’s face every time he told her of another excuse. He remembers every kind word of “it’s okay” and “I understand” and “As long as you’re here now.” He remembers how much he wanted to let go of her because she obviously deserves someone better, but just couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine a life without Seolhyun anymore; to live one would mean no life at all, it would ruin him completely, wreck him beyond repair. He remembers feeling like he wanted to kill himself for being unfair to the angel who helped heal his previous broken state. He remembers letting go. Not of her, but of the secret that he’s been holding for far too long now. He remembers telling her the truth.

He remembers how Seolhyun looked when she entered the theatre, seeing him in the middle of the stage, his fingers working magic on the keys of the baby grand piano as he sang his heart out to her. She looked so beautiful; she always does. She was too beautiful to be mortal; her beauty was ethereal. The fragility of this beauty broke his own heart. It damaged what he thought was already fixed by breaking it apart even more. He remembers the way the first tear that escaped from her eyes came from the left. He remembers the look on Seolhyun’s face when after the sweet serenade and all, he just had to ruin everything by saying, “Seol, I have to tell you something.” He remembers the variation of emotions that crossed her eyes when he told her that he never forgot about Chaerin. That it was all pretense. That he was a coward and he wanted to run away. That she can hate him if she wants now, he doesn’t deserve her anyway. There was hurt. Disappointment. And many others he couldn’t recognize as he was feeling far too much himself but there was hurt, mostly. He remembers how he had hurt the love of his life. He remembers how the love of his life was hurt because of him.

He reminisces about this now, but he still couldn’t understand.

So what if he left Chaerin, he chooses Seolhyun now. Isn’t that what should matter instead? That he loves Seolhyun now, and no one else.

Why can’t love be enough? How can love ever be enough?

Should love be enough, even, should love be measured, could it be ever lacking, even? If love was the greatest of all, then why should people who fall into it be hurting because of it?

Yixing couldn’t understand.

He couldn’t understand anything at all.

Anything but one.

The only thing he knew now was that he just lost the one person he could never live without.

And it was his own doing. No one else was to be blamed but him.  

 

 

“Why did you walk out, anyway? You love him, don’t you? What’s making it so hard to forgive him?”

This is what Lizzy had asked her. Seolhyun couldn’t get it out of her head since her unnies had spoken to her about Yixing and what happened.

“He loves you. You love him. That’s that. Right?”

“It’s not that simple, stupid. If he could so easily do that to someone else, how can you be so sure that he won’t do it to our Seolhyunnie?”

“He already hurt her. She’s hurting now. I don’t want him for you, Seol.”

“But he’s hurt, too. I see him—he could barely function as President; he’s obviously lost without Seol. That guy is as whipped as uri aegi is, unnie, and I guess the sneaking ins and everything else he’s been doing for her before he told her… that thing… was his way of making it up to her? I think? I don’t know, but hey, cliché as it sounds, everyone deserves a second chance, okay.”

“Don’t be stupid. Seolhyun was his second chance and he ruined it, anyway. He can’t even be a good president; how do you expect him to be a good lover?”

“Stop, stop!” It was Lizzy who interrupted the heated discussion of Seolhyun’s unnies while she just stayed silent at a corner, blocking them all out.  It was Lizzy who asked,

“What’s making it so hard to forgive him?”

Seolhyun didn’t know the answer then but now she does.

It wasn’t hard to forgive him, she had realized. She already has. There was nothing to forgive, anyway. At least not for her. It wasn’t her Yixing was supposed to be apologizing to; it’s supposed to be Chaerin. But she’s gone now, too, and it’s all in the past.

What matters is the present.

What’s making it hard, though, was that she’s scared. She’s scared that he’d do the same thing to her. Not that she doesn’t trust him – okay maybe now she has developed a little, just a teensy bit of trust issues – but she just acknowledges the possibility. Painful, yes, but nothing’s impossible. She’s scared that he’d leave her because she doesn’t want him out of her life. She’s scared because she’s fallen too deep; she can’t live without Yixing anymore.

It would ruin her. Completely.

She’s scared of the future. She doesn’t know what would happen.

She doesn’t like the past. She doesn’t like the thought of him being with anyone else, be it as an ex or one that might come after her. She couldn’t stand the thought of Yixing being in love with someone who wasn’t her.

Because for Seolhyun, it can’t be anyone else but Yixing. Not anymore.

She’s scared of the future and she doesn’t like the past but…

What matters is the present.

What matters is now.

And what they have now is love.

What matters is love.

 

 

Yixing raises his head at the sound of a familiar voice, eyes wide in utter surprise.

“What—um. . . S-Seolhyun…ah?”

He couldn’t help but stutter because who else could this beautiful angel be but the love of his life?

She was walking towards him, smiling ever so serenely, radiating beauty that was breathtakingly ethereal.

“Lay-ah…”

He reaches out for her but he couldn’t move from his place, too afraid to move, too afraid to speak, as if anything he does would break the illusion and Seolhyun would suddenly disappear.

But she doesn’t.

Seolhyun was there, and suddenly she was in his arms, and she was real.

She was real.

“I love you,” Seolhyun whispers.

And right then and there, Yixing dies again because one has to die in order to be reborn again.

One has to be hurt in order to love again.

One has to be broken in order to be fixed again.

 

And right now, Yixing was fixed. Not completely. Not perfectly.

He will always be damaged but the pain will remind him that this was all real.

 

This is what he has now.

This is what matters.

 

Fall was ending, and Yixing has fallen.

He’s falling even harder and harder now.

 

But that’s okay.

Because an angel has caught him and together, they shall fly.

 

Winter is coming, but it wasn’t cold at all.

All thanks to a heart so warm it can heal a man by embracing him wholly.

 

It was autumn when everything has fallen apart.

It was autumn when everything has fallen into place.