restricted dreams|kewkes

infinite_k_pop.

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» TITLE. first off, before i searched the title for any stories with the same name, i honestly thought there would be a billion of these and follow up with the same type of plot. to my surprise, the title is very original, and your story was the only one with it, not to mention the first on the list. not only was this something you came up with, but it was very fitting for the story: everything you want and desire is so close, but yet so far. the only thing i wanted to point out was that the title made it very predictable as to what the story's plot with be. the moment i saw it i thought, "oh, okay, the bangtan boys don't get what they want". sometimes, revealing and predictable titles turn readers away without even reading the description. why? because even with a creative and completely different plotline, we tend to assume the cliche. but props to you for a unique title. ^^

» FOREWORD&DESCRIPTION. the description isn't bad, but it isn't amazing; it doesn't reveal too much information that would cause a spoiler to the story which is what we want. but it only revealed one character instead of the other "main" characters as well. just putting one character in the decsription makes it seem like the entire story is focused on him, in which it's not; name his few friends, and what's the situation with the new girl, don't just focus on one person when others take a big role into the story. aiming at one character can draw readers away. why? most readers have a bias and will most likely want to read about their bias; but if they were to scan through AFF and find your story's description, what if they didn't like jeongguk? they will assume it's only about jeongguk and will turn away from reading something they assume they don't like.

by going over all of the "main" characters, no matter how brief it is, readers can get the real gist of who's in there and how big a role they play in the story, instead of just one main character.

to me, i felt the description was lacking in density and overview of the plot; so what if he's going to some big school and suddenly discovers new music? i thought it wasn't very interesting and sounded a bit too cliche when you started with a "suddenly everything takes a turn" kind of sentence, and then ended with "cliffhanger". so many stories start like that i don't even bother looking at it. the description could be a little more interesting to read, something that a reader wouldn't expect and would want to read more; which is what we're aiming for.

as for the foreword, you didn't have one! a foreword is a piece of text or an excerpt from the story to entice readers to read it; it doesn't necessarily have to be from the story, but you can write up another paragraph or two to make readers interested. it's kinda like a prologue, but it's not. instead of a foreword you listed the characters and a little bit about them. i personally hate when people do that. i mean, why would i read the story then if i already know who the characters are and what their deal is? a story should be able to explain clearly who a person is, and what they're going through by showing their actions, their thoughts, the sensations they're feeling; a story is supposed to be to read like you read a story, not just telling someone "this happened, and then this happened". that is my opinion, but adding a foreword can really boost a reader's curiosity; and give me something to look over. XD

one more thing, you forgot to put a question mark at the end of your description where it says, "What happened when he discovers the new world of music that could possibly change how he thinks he should live his life.".

» ORIGINALITY. originality is something i have an issue with when writing my own stories; i like to be different, yet have something everyone can relate to. the story here is a bit overused and lacking with plot twists by a bunch. obviously this is a high school fic where the characters are trying to define who they are in the process of unconciously making new friends; that right there, is a plotline most stories have to be honest. the part of the plot on how jeongguk is introduced to the bangtan boys wasn't too spectacular either, he kinda just wandered in there by accident. through out the story i felt there wasn't anything that absolutely surprised me, or anything that i was attracted to that would make me want to keep reading. the idea of accidentally getting in a place he never thought he would end up with yet enjoying it completely is overused. the idea of a hardworking girl who can't please her parents is completely overused. the idea of an addition to an amazing group is completely overused. to be blunt, this was really cliche. an answer to fix that would be to add plot twists, things to make the read say 'wow, i never saw that one coming!'. jeongguk was immediately allowed into the group without a fight between the members at all; what you could've done there was add conflict between the characters, and something that you wouldn't normally think of. adding in little events here and there makes for a good story and can even come in handy for future events that are connected. the story isn't bad, it just lacked in the wow and surprise factor.

» CHARACTERIZATION. i felt the characters were displayed nicely, but lacking that extra 'upmh' every character needs. to wrap all the characters up in my opinion it would go like this: jeongguk, a boy with a boring life until he discovers something new, a kind person when he needs to be, but can be a little to harsh with his words at times, yoojin, an insanely smart girl who just never lives up to her parents' sky high expectations, tends to be a bit of a smartass at times, but doesn't mean it, she's wary of who's around her and who she decides to keep as friends, quite loyal. as you can see, lots of information on them has been given, and you have an amazing base on the outline of who they are. but their personality is literally what i just wrote up there; every person has unique things to them that differentiates them from the others, but the characters in the story seem to lack that special trait. jeongguk and yoojin were characters that had no real. . . "character" to them. things like their hobbies, weird habits, likings to certain things; adding those can build up on what you have so far and make an amazing character. i think you should be a little more open towards expanding on not their personality ('cause you got that down pat) but things that will distinguish them from the other characters. they were on the cliche side when it comes to just listing their personality traits.

» GRAMMAR&SPELLING. you have perfect spelling and grammar, as far as word and my eyes go. you did however, forget to put commas at the end of someone's speech when you put a period. i honestly have nothing to say about this. ^^" your choice of words very nice; you didn't use overly long words that people might have to pull out a dictionary for, nor did you use complete baby words. the way you made each character's speech realistic was great as well. the reason i say that is because some authors' make the character's say stuff that people wouldn't normally say in that particular way. -_-" one last thing, you seem to mistake one word for another. like when the word should be 'I' you put 'a' instead; small mistakes though.

» FLOW&READABILITY. reading the story was very easy, especially since you didn't block everything up into large paragraphs, or didn't make a new line for another person's speech (which every author should remember to do). so nothing wrong with that. there was nothing that didn't make sense, and everything was explained quite clearly. in my opinion, i felt you were a bit rushed with the character's feelings and thoughts as you went through each event in the chapters. there was little description with what they felt at that moment, nor was there much action to show such thoughts. scenes like when the new girl was wandering around in the first chapter and when jeongguk was watching the rap battle are scenes where the character won't just stare at and just do it with a blank face; i felt like you were just going through the plotline instead of developing the character's feelings, so it was a bit fast paced for me. build up on how he thinks, how he reacts to things; giving a clearer picture or feeling of the character can make things much more interesting, and readers will start to feel attatched to the characters now that they knew how they're feeling about the situation.

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REVIEWER'S NOTES

to be honest, i really liked bts when i first heard of them and saw their faces; sad thing is, i just don't like their style of music. i'm kinda just a groupie for them. XD but, after reading this story i was able to get rid of the image of all black and masks and concentrate on them being just regular high schoolers trying to find their identity. ^^ i really like that about it.

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