Soojung,

Can you please tell me why they are saying you are dead? I found the mailbox of my house filled with letters condolences and roses to it with notes which had the same word. And when I went in, Mom hugged me tight and told me stories about how much she loved Dad and how time would heal anything. Mom hasn't really hugged me since Dad left our family. And I can't help but notice how skinny she is now. Her cheek bones which were once shaped like buns are now prominent. The joints are protruding, her fingers bony, her lips are cracked but nevertheless, she smiles so warm at me.

I guess this is what love does. It destroys you. She was badly hurt at how Dad left us for another family. It hurts to see my mother suffer in depression but I can't deny that she tried so hard not to let it get to her. She still makes me breakfast. She still irons my clothes. She still kisses my cheek. She still goes to work. She still asks me "How's school?" You would think she's still okay. But seeing those champagne bottles dumped under her bed, the bottles of sleeping pills on the pockets of her coat, the bags under her eyes, the muffled cries I hear during the night... She's trying so hard to be okay. To be okay for me. I wanna tell her that it's okay to be not okay.

I sometimes find myself getting dizzy. And I start to wonder, "is it due to a loss of sleep or is it a lack of food?", perhaps it was the loss