Calling for flamzfox!
Story Title: A Million Grains of Sand

Title: (4.5/5)
- The title is fascinating but not really captivating at a first glance. But then again, your title is the perfect one considering the story as a whole.

Description & Foreword: (5/5)
- Your description truly grabbed my attention: I like the way how you compared grains of sand to time and love metaphorically, and how you mocked human nature. It gives me the idea that Luhan is very mature but close-minded. The details regarding Luhan's thoughts are mysterious, captivating, yet straight to the point.
For your foreword, it gives me the feeling that the love between Luhan and Lay is forbidding and the love is between two contradicting beings, such as a human with an angel or a demonic being. 

Originality: (8/1O)
- There are plenty of stories revolving around forbidden love, especially among the idea of supernatural beings, but what sets this story apart is the language and writing style, and possibly, how real it may seem if it were to occur in real life. 

Chapter Titles: (5/5)
- It was a title that didn't reveal much, yet as you continue reading the story, you can tell how the meaning of the story relates to the chapter title and the main title of the story itself.

Characters: (1O/1O) 
- Wow. The way Luhan acted in the beginning of the story was dark and gruesome, but as the story progressed he changed. Though his personality is definitely sinister, complimenting him being a demon, I can image everything. Being a demon, he doesn't have a choice in whether he wants to destroy something because that's his job, whether he likes it or not; he has no other options nor a say in most things that affects his life. Demons are meant to destroy. Falling in love however is a forbidden thing but definitely not impossible. So even though Luhan was a sadist in the beginning, love changed his personality and way of thinking. So powerful. For Lay's personality, he is a soft fellow but a bit weak and he stayed the same throughtout the fic. Even for an angel, shouldn't his mentality be a bit more stronger? Lay gives up and sacrifices everything just for Luhan's love. They both wanted to be together but both never really thought about the long-term consequences. Lay's decision was at the spur-of-the-moment.

Overall Appearance/Neatness: (5/5)
- I like your poster: how the artist blended the colors, how Luhan and Lay are facing their back towards each other (their pose), the mood, and the specific details used to draw the hourglass and wings as those two are major symbols in the story. Nice job!

Word Choice & Descriptiveness: (5/5)
- I love your description, your usage of details, and your sentence structures; the sentences varied in length with a varied addition of details. One word to describe it is unique.
Luhan's thoughts allows me to picture what is going on and experience the pain and emotions he's suffering from, especially his sinister thoughts near the beginning of the story. It caused a great impact, and kudos to you for being able to portray the character and their thoughts well. Lay's story is intriguing as well. 

Story Flow: (1O/1O)
- Your story's flow is just right, giving the readers enough time to absorb the information and connect the dots; the pace was just right for everything to develop. 

Grammar, Punctuation, and etc: (9/15)
- What bothers me in this sentence is that there is no subject, which should be a sentence's main requirement. It seems like a run-on.

Original: "Beach hair, toned body, tan, ocean blue eyes that no longer sparked." 

**All changes in the "suggested sentences" are bolded and underlined for easy identification.

Suggested: "His beach hair, toned body, and tan, ocean blue eyes no longer sparked." 

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Here's another run-on.

Original: "Star surfer, popular at school, loved by his parents, scouted by the Ivy League colleges, committing suicide." 

Suggested: "He was a star surfer, popular at school, loved by his parents, scouted by the Ivy League colleges, yet committed suicide." 

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This sentence sounds a bit off.

Original: "Luhan watched as the surfer, usually so close with the waves and water, waded into the deeps." 

Suggested: "Luhan watched as the surfer, usually so close with the waves and water, waded into the deep." 

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You should have a space after the ellipsis. There are other similar sentences as well but I won't list them all.

Original: "Luhan…Luhan did not even have the chance to experience that regret." 

Suggested: "Luhan… Luhan did not even have the chance to experience that regret."

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Going from third person to second person is not correct. Points of views are not interchangeable because you need to stick with only one. 

Original: "You could not play the harp with a distracted heart. It wasn’t possible." 

Suggested: "One could not play the harp with a distracted heart. It wasn’t possible."

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Comma-splicing: A way for you to see if your usage of commas is correct is by eliminating the sentence between it. After eliminating the sentence between the commas, read your sentence again and see if it makes sense.

Original: "The reason for his sadness, his weakness, his distracted heart was also the reason for his isolation." 

**Eliminate the bolded part or the words in between the commas. The words between the commas are also know as extra information or for clarification. 

New sentence: "The reason for his sadness his distracted heart was also the reason for his isolation." 

**Now the sentence doesn't make sense anymore.

These results as an error known as comma splice, or a run-on sentence. Here's a great website that further explains comma splicing.
I believe there are a couple of these errors throughout your story. There are multiple ways in fixing this sentence. I'll show you one possible way.

Suggested: "The reason for his sadness, his weakness, and his distracted heart was also the reason for his isolation."

**The word "and" is a conjunction which is commonly used to join sentences together. There are many other useful conjunctions and a useful acronym to remember is FANBOYS. F for for. A for and. N for nor. B for but. O for or. Y for yet. S for so. But conjunctions are definitely not limited!

So lets double check!

**Once again, eliminate the words in between the comma (or also know as extra information).

New sentence: "The reason for his sadness and his distracted heart was also the reason for his isolation."

**Now it makes perfect sense!

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Another note: "Alright" is a slang. So a more formal way is "all right."

Plot: (2O/2O)
- This plot is getting better and better as I read further and I understand everything; all the bits and pieces of the story fall together. I love the flashbacks and the story about the origin of the hourglass necklace. I don't believe the High Lord is acting unfairly towards the two because, after all, angels have certain duties to uphold and they are very well aware of any punishments or rules. Demons, of course, should be avoided at all costs. I'd say that God was being merciful towards Luhan and Lay with the given choices and that He is trying to teach Lay a life-long lesson. But then again, the two choices are so difficult and complicated. Both has it's pros and cons: with the first choice, perhaps Lay could move on with his life and start anew, however, with a slim chance of succeeding, but with the second choice, Lay and Luhan are constantly reminded about their pain and their love cannot last forever. It's so hard to choose. 
That plot twist at the ending was unexpected. But letting each other go was a good solution because they both acknowledge it and is on a similar thinking path; it does release some burden and there isn't much to worry about anymore. 

Overall Enjoyment: (1O/1O)
- Your message in the story about human nature, greed, and how love is corrupt is something I agree with. Your words can make one rethink about their life and consider what is worth sacrificing and what is something one should avoid. It's getting psychological, and I like how it influences me to reflect on life.
I loved your story because it made me think, which doesn't frequently happen while reading fanfiction; it makes me think and it gave me a wider perspective regarding the topic of love and sacrifices, while simultaneously leading me on an uncontrollable roller coaster ride of emotions. c:

Total: 9O.5/1OO
(Rounded off to)
91%


Extra (additional opinions):

My Feels: (5/5)
- This is my first LayHan fic (whom I ship) and this was a truly beautiful fic. asdfghjjklhshhdns;; A great fic to start off in my LayHan reading collection. c: You're such an amazing author!


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Hello! Thank you for choosing me to review your fic! I appreciate it a lot! c: ♥♥♥
As I've said before, your writing style is captivating and I enjoyed reading this fic! 
It is now one of my favorites. Seeing you as a talented author, I had the burden 
of trying to make this a perfect/helpful review. I hope my insight helped you. ^^ 
If you have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to pm me or comment back!
You are more than welcomed to reply to whatever I said or asked and you may
clarify anything else if needed. Merry Christmas~!
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& have a link directing to your review. 
Be sure to leave another comment saying that you had successfully received 
this review & credited my shop! Thanks again! c:
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