♔ ┋┋ dennisse's Review (#2)

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Calling for dennisse!
Story Title: The Broken Star




Title: (3.5/5)
- The title isn't eye-catching nor is it screaming "Read me!" But the symbolism is amazing now that I think of it. I can't think of another title that fits your story, so great job!

Description & Foreword: (1/5)
- Your description is vague, boring, and nothing special. It doesn't give your readers a back-story of your fic and we have no idea what we're about to read. I think your sentence should belong in the Foreword section. You also have the same problem about forewords similar to your fic I previously reviewed.

Originality: (8/1O)
- Your plot is great and you write so little so the reader has more power and the ability to infer what's going on. Unfortunately, some do not know what is going on and thus they're confused.

Chapter Titles: (5/5)
- Nothing was given away and your chapter titles are acceptable.

Characters: (1O/1O)
- I like the way you introduced TOP and his loneliness; I can really sympathize with him and his longing for Bom. All the decorations he's doing is a way for him to reminisce the memories he had with Bom, a way to keep himself from going crazy, and to rationally think. I'm not sure what has happened to Bom, but I infer that she might be far away from TOP physically, or dead, hence the sentence you've written in your description. The star could be a symbol of Bom herself. He "broke" the star and he too might have "broken" Bom, whether it be physically, emotionally, or mentally. We really don't know but we can infer. Super glue may fix objects that have been broken, but it cannot fix human emotion or the longing TOP is experiencing.

I also think you should take the time to develop Bom's character with flashbacks while she was still physically present with TOP.

Overall Appearance/Neatness: (5/5)
- Everything is fine and everything was readable.

Word Choice & Descriptiveness: (2.5/5)
- Just a little note, but the Christmas "balls" placed on a Christmas tree can also be called as ornaments. Balls give off an immature and deceiving tone and connotation. I think adding more detail in the story wouldn't hurt either since your story is so short. Take the time to develop the memories that flashes in TOP's mind (flashbacks) or little actions that would remind him of Bom. You've written a few, but more would not hurt because it sets a kind of certainty in your plot and mood.

Story Flow: (8/1O)
- Your story is short which kind of disappointed me because your story was building up in excitement, but if you add flashbacks and memories of TOP trying to fight his self-conflicts, these can help your story and make it more clear.

Grammar, Punctuation, and etc: (8/15)
- Why don't you change the dash to this one: —
Because this dash (-) looks really short and it also looks like a minus sign. I was confused when I read it because this dash (-) is also used to combine words together, for example, self-conflicts.

Original: "He decided that they were there for one reason-to give life."

Suggested: "He decided that they were there for one reason—to give life."

♢♢♢

This is a run-on sentence and since you are listing more than two things down, use a comma.

Original: "It was just him and the dark and the dead tree which Seunghyun brought to life as he switched on the Christmas lights."

Suggested: "It was just him, the dark, and the dead tree which Seunghyun brought to life as he switched on the Christmas lights."

♢♢♢

Your sentence doesn't make any sense here. The problem is the last comma and the sentence after it. Here is my method of fixing it and the sentence still has the dramatic effect you want.

Original: "They would've had fun putting it up, enjoying the time spent on little things, little but not insignificant."

Suggested: "They would’ve had fun putting it up, and enjoying the time spent on little things. It may be little but not insignificant."

♢♢♢

A dash is not necessary here. Just delete it and your sentence will make sense.

Original: "And suddenly he was crying-and laughing because he realized how stupid it was."

Suggested: "And suddenly he was crying and laughing because he realized how stupid it was."

♢♢♢

Add a comma to make your sentence flow. The dash appears again and it is very unnecessary.

Original: "He, of course knew the answer: It was to breathe life into this dying home-or at least, that was what it used to be."

Suggested: "He, of course, knew the answer: It was to breathe life into this dying home, or at least, that was what it used to be."

♢♢♢

There are still plenty of mistakes where you've used the dashes incorrectly, etc, so I advise you to proofread your fic again to avoid any confusion.

Plot: (15/2O)
- I think your readers didn't understand the story because of your open ending and the lack of details pertaining to Top and Bom's relationship, pasts, memories, etc. Your readers are not "thinking outside the box." You should not feel worried at all but you can explain to your reader individually about what your story means. When you've written that TOP has time, I'm wondering if TOP has the time to still see Bom again, or make things up with her. If Bom is dead, then I wonder if he has the time to cope and fully move on as a person.

The reason why I docked off points is because your overall structure isn't organized. Here's a great website for reference.

Overall Enjoyment: (8/1O)
- Your fic is really short but the plot is fantastic: I really enjoyed interpreting the symbolism and meaning of your fic. Perhaps more details of the setting, scenery, and things related to TOP and Bom's relationship can make your story more enjoyable, longer, and understandable.

Total: 74/1OO
74%


♔♔♔

Hello! Thank you for choosing me to review your fic! I appreciate it a lot! c: ♥♥♥
It was a pleasure to read and review your story. c: I hope my criticism helped you
in a way and I am sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. ^^

If you have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to pm me or comment back!
You are more than welcomed to reply to whatever I said or asked and you may
clarify anything else if needed.
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& have a link directing to your review.
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veinless #1
Chapter 14: Thank you so much for correcting it with your opinions! You also asked me do I proof read; my answer is yes. But it's more like "skim". And I use the Aus-Eng dictionary so spellings are different but that's okay.

You've marked my grammar as poor, and of course you're right. This is extremely poor grammar in terms of standard narrative writing structures. However, since I'm not using the standard structure it's arguable. The reason for this is because I'm thought processing with stream of consciousness as my narrative mode. Although since I'm not using this narrative technique in first pov, I'm kind-of abusing it. But the bit where you corrected my it's/its/'s was honestly my fault since I didn't catch the mistake. There are a lot of things in my story I do on purpose, especially when it comes to punctuating and the dialogues. I only punctuate when I feel the reader should take a pause/stop, I don't punctuate to make it grammatically correct. My dialogues start with a lower case letter because it's not a finished sentence. (But everyone has their own opinion about grammar).

My title is a give away for readers who like to do these "before reading" exercises (laugh). A fig tree symbolises security and prosperity so it's obvious Myungsoo is insecure and trying to look for things he can depend on - therefore it relates to Myungsoo in aspect of security. Prosperity is another symbol of money, and since Myungsoo's a e of some sorts, the wealth relates to his clients. There's a lot of symbolism in that one page already so I thought it wouldn't be so vague (laughs).

Mm, I believe they never loved each other. The reason why Myungsoo let himself into the life of ion was because he thought Woohyun would give him love. In which, Woohyun does give him hope but not love. And when Myungsoo realises Woohyun can't give him what he wants, Myungsoo ends up hating Woohyun who can't save him. (Since Myungsoo's quite spoilt throughout the story).

Thanks again! :D
Paradisezxc #2
Chapter 13: Thank you for the review
Jinhwanderer #3
Chapter 11: These are sure helpful! Thank you very much! I credited you :))
Lovex2254 #4
Chapter 10: Picked up! I'll credit when I get on the computer. To answer your questions:
Cameo is Ira. In the last chapter, her dream shows that Tao went back to save Ira. This is also shown when Cameo talks to Tao and puts the pieces together.

The reason the Dictator didn't do anything when they were talkin was because Cameo/Ira had the pandant. She told him to sit and he plopped to the floor since he was also a citizen of EXO and therefore affected by the stone.

The feelings that Cameo killed a lot of people was Ira's feelings of guilt that EXO's destruction was her fault.

I actually plan to make this a trilogy (and already have the prequel in the works) which is where most question I hope will get answered. The prequel shows more thigs and explains what happens before and the sequel will ultimately describe the "what now" after they lock up the Dictator.
momodays09 #5
Title: Last Breath
Author(s): momodays09
Genre/Themes: sad, angst
Progress: completed
Number of Chapters: 4
Rating: N/A
Characters/Pairings: Kris, OCs...it's not a love story, so there isn't any REAL pairings
Brief Summary: The story revolves around three people. Saehee (OC) who is a terminally ill patient. Yuri (OC) who is the loving older sister of Saehee. And Kris, the famous idol who is also one of the leaders for EXO. The story is basically a journey of realizing that the smallest, little acts of kindness could make a difference in people's life.
Story link: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/597465
Anything else: umm, I guess you could say I'm fluent in English..
Password: infiniteogs

Thank you ahead of time :)
EunHae986 #6
Chapter 9: I read your review and it was awesome! Thank you very much~!
veinless #7
Title: The Fig Tree
Author: white-sheep
Genres/Themes: angst!AU
Progress: complete
Number of Chapters: oneshot
Rating: (M/NC17) there are trigger subjects but they aren't really graphic
Characters/Pairings: woosoo
Brief Summary: Myungsoo has been looking for things that don't exist.
Story Link: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/619284/the-fig-tree-angst-infinite-myungsoo-woohyun-woosoo
Anything else I should know about/Extras: nope but I am fluent
Password: infiniteogs
expiredpieces #8
Chapter 8: Despite the fact that this was a short story you reviewed it thoroughly and wow

I totally get you on most things all but one

Kyungsoo was made out to be like that because he's desperate. I made it so that it only shows what kyungsoo sees. Well I tried at lest, this fic is so old I only remember bits.

But what I mean is that I meant for kyungsoo to be alone and he really thinks that no one is there for him. He doesn't need a lot and because he's depressed, a hint of kindness means a lot. So that's why he didn't ask questions. He might've been snarky but he cared about Kai. He was all alone and when Kai made him feel like he wasn't, kyungsoo became abnormally attached. He didn't need to hear Kai's story because he was fine without knowing about it since it didn't affect the friendship between them. Kai's his last person so to speak and kyungsoo is attached out of the mere unfamiliar feeling of having someone to talk to.

I'm on mobile right now and late so I will credit in the morning~~ thank you again for the review. I might also add some things to say latter haha
Dohyeonju #9
i hope i can request soon.
informantxgirl #10
Chapter 7: Wow, 1st of all, thank you for a long & detailed review. Really enjoyed reading your insights. U pointed out many different angles & nuances that I myself couldn't see, so I thank you for that, & also for pointing out the errors (omo, can’t believe I got Sunggyu’s surname wrong! He's my ultimate bias!) You made a lot of good points about the abuse & how it might seem unrealistic for Hye In to have been like that at the end, but what’s interesting to me is that you read it as them being in love & the ending as being a happy one. I never intended it to be read that way, but there it is, writer writes 1 thing, & it’s read another way, it’s fascinating to me. I purposely left this whole issue as ambiguous as possible & for readers to decide themselves whether they stayed together because of “love” (whatever that means) or something else. I even put in the whole “Do you love me?” exchange to address this issue, because it was brought up very early on in a few comments & I did realize it was something to address. No, & abuse should never, ever be taken lightly; I hope I didn’t take them lightly, & I wish it didn’t come off like I did, but I guess with the story trajectory that I took & the ending, yeah, I guess it can be interpreted that way. I did try to show that it wasn’t just Myungsoo who was messed-up & sick, that they both were, that ultimately, they broke each other, & that’s why they had to stay together, because the addiction was too strong, or, for Hye In, well, there was never going to be another kind of life for her. When she’s back with her oppa, she just crumbles. Old habits & all. Anyhow, thx for bringing up those points. Really debated on the shifting POVs at 1st; ultimately, really didn’t wanna focus on just 1, so went w/ both. I do try to improve on that with every new story. “Formulae”=plural form of “formula”, & “hie” as in “to go quickly, or hasten”. All in all, thx for the review & I’ve credited you in my foreword. :D Have a happy new year!
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