The cans of empty beer have littered up quite messily in the corner of his living room as he throws another one at the pile aimlessly. The lights are dim around his apartment as the dawn start to hit on the small opening that the curtain allows to seep through his window. He got home at around 2 am, and ever since then he hasn’t done anything but down his sorrows with alcohol. It’s the best instant solution he could rack his mind on; he wants to forget about tonight, he wants to forget that it even happened. The man stumbles to walk to his fridge to grab yet another case of beer when he steps on one of the empty cans and falls hard on the floor. The loud thud down to the floor echoed through the room as he tried to catch himself but to no success.

He groans at the pain on his wrist, the shock of falling was too much for it. He mutters incoherent words under his breath as he struggles to put himself back up on his feet. He has definitely had too much tonight that he couldn’t even manage to get up in one go. The heaviness his body felt was growing exponentially as he felt his mind spin in circles, he wants to vomit. 

Luckily, he manages to painstakingly drag himself to his sofa before completely passing out on it.

Yongguk woke up on the same spot after six hours, it was almost noon and he curses the pounding headache that greeted him along with the suns blinding rays. He palms his temples with increased pressure as he tried to massage it to lessen the drumming the headache gave, he then stand up to get pills to help himself get rid of his drunken pain. His stomach churns as he tries to steady his focus, trying his best to not vomit. He groans louder as he lies himself down his bed this time. Hangovers are the worst, and it doesn’t help him at all when he sees the empty white space beside himself. He then remembers the reason he drank to the end, and he realizes that drinking didn’t change anything. They still broke up. She’s still not there.

He buries the pillow on his face; trying to see if he can suffocate himself under it. Of course it doesn’t, but he still wishes it did because he was so stupid, no, not stupid, he’s not a man. How can he just let her go when she gave him a chance?

He regretted it, he regrets always being a second too late. If he manned himself up, he would have the backbone to fight for her, maybe he could’ve held on tighter at that very second. Maybe he could’ve told her he’ll change his stubborn ways, and that he would love her more. He could have done that but he didn’t. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he couldn’t. He knows he’s lacking for her. He realized how much he was lacking when he saw her eyes yesterday.

How could he let her sweet smile be washed out by bitter tears? How can he drive her to the end of her of line? She was the most understanding person he ever knew, she was kind, she was patient, she loved him even when he was most difficult. And with that, he asks himself again; how can I let her get to that point?

But Yongguk had always been the type to weigh all his options, to consider all the factors, to think about everything first before speaking. He over thinks, he over calculates, he over compensates everything just to be sure everything was on the right direction. But this time, he was wrong. Maybe he miscalculated a tiny detail, because look where they are now. And with what he’s trying to do, he’s not moving to a better stage.

His mind was ridden with questions and unending maybe’s. He couldn’t find the will in his soul to live on this day. He hoped he’d pass out and just wake up again to find her beside him on the bed. Smile at her in the morning as he watches her sleep, the way she twitches her lips, the way her eyebrows furrow in her sleep, the way she dreams; he wishes he can be in her dreams. But his heart gets crushed more and more with every waking thought of their time together. He wants to turn back the time from the very beginning where they first met, hoping to observe and learn from her some more, notice the smallest details that he didn’t see before.

He picks himself up from the bed and sits a while longer, trying to focus his mind on one spot so his vision would clear up, and then standing up the second it did. He thought to himself that the best thing to do to start moving forward was to fix his groggy, intoxicated self. The man treads to the kitchen and opens a bottle of water, drinking it straight up so he wouldn’t be so dehydrated. He takes another one and brings it with him to his room, he searches his drawer for medicine and he found one remaining pill lying at the corner of the wooden box. He remembers her putting a whole set inside for him before, he then frowns at the white pill on his hand before putting it in his mouth, then drinking water to push it down.

He doesn’t even understand why his heart is making him feel this way because he’s had past relationships before her. He’s not all new to being heart broken but this particular one hurts too ing much. And he’s only been like this for a day. A day.

How much more of these kinds of crappy days can he stomach? A “tsk” clicked on the tip of his tongue, he shakes his head and closes his eyes while his eyebrows curled some more. He felt his blood boil with all the frustration he’s feeling. He wants to punch something. He has to punch something, and in the next moment his knuckles collided with the cream walls; shaking the whole room as it vibrated with the impact. He punched the wall again; his knuckles are now a shade of bluish purple; ready to explode in any second. And then another hit was given to the wall. And then another. And another. He kept going for it even after his skin tore open, tainting the walls with the bright crimson red.

Hi whole body was shaking when he dropped down to the floor. His hand was shaking as it was dripping with blood; the bone in his abused knuckle almost showing along with the disgusting mix of torn skin, flesh, and blood. He pants heavily as he allows tears to escape from his eyes. He was never the type to cry, but this time he feels the need to cry. It hurts. Everything hurts. Yongguk was not okay anymore and nothing is helping him feel better. It’s worst that he pins all the blame on the world to himself. But he can’t help it because now, he actually wants her back. He wants her; he needs her to be with him. He loves her.

He loves her.

He is madly in love with her.

And then he realizes the main problem; she probably doesn’t know, he never told her that enough. He miscalculated his deeds; he never put enough effort in letting her know he loves her. Did she need to hear that? Doesn’t she know it? He sighs because now he will never know, and now, all that Bang Yongguk can do now is lie down bleeding on the sea of regrets and unanswered questions.

A week has passed before Yongguk was given a much-needed intervention by his older brother, Yongnam. The older had to man handle the inconsolable Yongguk from his living room down to the bathroom and forced him to stay there until he cleans himself. And thankfully the younger just complies. He sighs at the sight of his broken hearted little brother, the younger’s face was obviously grief stricken, the boy’s body has gotten much thinner than how he previously remembers him. He wonders how a week could turn Yongguk like that; because he has never been like that. The sound of the running of water stops and he turns to open the door.

Yongnam helps his brother up when he was finished, for the boy lacked the strength to move around. It was fortunate that Yongnam was in town when Himchan had called for help; he was one of the few people who Yongguk does listen to about anything, along with their older sister Natasha. Yongnam felt that he’d try to talk some sense into Yongguk first before letting their older sister know about their brother’s current situation, because surely, Natasha would get very worried about their maknae.

He sighs as he started to speak to the younger.

“Man, what happened?” Yongnam asks Yongguk as he swings his brothers arm over his shoulders. Yongguk just stares blankly at the floor as they walked back to the room together. All his weight was shifted on his older brother’s side; the question was bouncing back and forth in his mind. He can’t even answer what exactly happened because a lot has happened and on top of that, the question was so vague that it could have any answer. He couldn’t even form coherent thoughts, or words, to create a proper response. He just focuses all his remaining energy to following his brother’s actions, as he doesn’t even have much strength left. The older figured that that wasn’t the right question to ask him, seeing that it’s a heavy topic. He just pats the boy’s back as he sat him back in the bed. Then proceeding with his one sided conversation with him.

“Tsk, ey. When was the last time you actually ate a meal, and not ramyun? We can’t continue if you’re like this, I’m ordering.” Yongnam disappears from the room and he calls for delivery. Ordering 2 dozens of chicken wings, rice boxes, and soup for both of them. He wanted quick food so his brother would start gaining some sense back into his brain and they can have a somewhat decent conversation.

After 30 minutes, the buzzer went ringing at the apartment door, the elder took all the orders in and paid for the delivery. He set up everything in the younger’s messy kitchen, tidying up a bit the pile of half eaten ramyun that was all over the place. He sighs in exasperation because he couldn’t believe he’s actually cleaning up after his little brother. It’s usually the other way around, but right now he has to do what he has to do. After the clean up, he goes to the room to find that Yongguk was still sitting on the same spot and his body is almost dry except his still dripping hair. Yongnam mutters curses under his breath as he went closer to hit Yongguk lightly on his forehead with his two fingers.

“Yah, bastard. Snap out of it. Brooding won’t help you.”  Yongguk was shaken from his trance as Yongnam kept poking his forehead; he looks up to his brother and gives a light nod. He was taken by his arms again as Yongnam helped him up to get changed, he wore a black jersey shirt and khaki shorts and he was helped to the kitchen again. The elder had already prepared the plates and the untensils and they sat there so they can eat.

“Looking at you already made me hungry, you know?” Yongnam raised his eyebrows at the younger twin. Although they were twins; he always had a bit more of command to Yongguk, he really was his hyung. He picked up the chopsticks and placed rice and chicken on Yongguk’s plate so he can start eating. The boy lifts his arm tiredly, trying to pick up the utensil, but he couldn’t grip it strongly to even hold and scoop food. The chopsticks just drop on table and Yongnam gapes at it; looking with a straight face because he knows, it’s inevitable what he has to do next. He lifts his head to meet Yongguk’s; who was still slowly moving his head, following the rolling of the chopstick.

“Aish, come here, and shut up about this. I don’t want to hear any word about this moment.” Yongnam grabs Yongguk by his chin with his other hand and lifts it, then with his free hand, he picks up rice with his wooden chopstick and puts it inside the boy’s mouth, then following it with chicken wings. He rolls his eyes as his younger brother chewed slowly, with that still blank stare. Yongnam promises himself to give his brother a good scolding once he can comprehend one. The older kept feeding Yongguk up until Yongguk lifted his hand and signaled that he can do it for himself. A sigh escaped Yongnam’s thick lips because finally, he can eat too. 

They were quiet as they continued with their meal, savoring the delicious taste of the chicken wings, and then ending up finishing the whole order of food. When they were done cleaning up the table, Yongnam playfully grabs Yongguk’s neck and smirks at him, giving him a stare that was enough to make the younger understand what he was saying. Yongguk just smiled weakly and nods.

“Yeah, I know. Thanks hyung, I owe you.”

“Psh. Don’t you dare do this again because next time I’m telling noona.”

“Ani.. she’ll kill me.” Yongguk’s voice was like that of a scared kid, it sounded funny through his deep voice.

“You bet she will.” Yongnam chuckled; patting Yongguk at the back as he asked again one more time his first question. “So, what happened to you?”

“Ah, long story.” He spoke slowly, looking down at the floor as he tries to recall how to put the story together.

“I got all the time today, bro.” Yongnam hands him a can of beer and takes one for himself as well, sipping into it casually. Yongguk rejects the beer, stating that for now, he wanted to be sober. Yongnam takes it back to the fridge as he listened to his brother’s story. It was long indeed. Yongnam kept quiet, he listened first, giving occasional nods, asking some questions on parts he wanted to clarify. When the boy had finished his story, he had already finished 2 cans, then nearing to his 3^rd. Yongnam smiles and he shakes his head. His little brother is a ing brokenhearted mess. Which was a surprise because he was never this much of a wreck on his previous break ups. Yongnam guessed that she really had him whipped.

Yongnam liked her, she was good for him so he didn’t expect that they would break up. He actually thought she was the one for Yongguk. But he did agree on one thing in his little brother’s story. Yongguk should have fought for her if he was going to end up like this anyway. After their brief moment of silence, Yongnam finally said his peace to Yongguk.

“Well, at least you know you’re stupid. There are so many chicks in the world and you know that. But you found the one for you, and ed it up. I’d tell you this, if you can’t or don’t want to move on, fight for her one last time. I’m not gonna try and console you, just man up, bro.” He punches Yongguk’s arm afterwards and the younger receives it quite well, causing the older to grin in content. “Well that’s a start. So, where’s your phone?” Yongnam pushes him up the chair, making him get off to get his phone. Yongguk comes back after 2 minutes holding his phone, Yongnam takes it from his hand and searches for her name.

“Text her.” Yongnam hands his phone back to him and Yongguk protests.

“What do I say? I really don-“ Yongguk got thrown off when Yongnam punched him on the gut, making him drop his phone to the floor as he clutched his stomach, coughing loudly from the impact he took from his brother’s fists. Yongguk looks up and he sees Yongnam looks pissed now. He would’ve received another hit but Yongnam tried to control himself from doing so, now just dragging Yongguk up by the neck of his shirt.

“Do you want me to beat you up?” Yongnam says out flatly while he bore holes into Yongguk’s eyes. Yongguk was getting scared, to say the least. His hyung has always been straightforward and he never likes to explain because if you know him, you’ll immediately understand the meaning behind his bold words. He understands what Yongnam was trying to say.

“N-no, I get it, I get it.” The elder removed his grip on Yongguk as the latter picked up his phone on the floor. He went back to the messages and typed some words and pressed send. He heaves out a heavy exhale and puts his phone back on his pocket, then his hyung asks him about the text.

“What did you tell her?” Yongnam questions him

“I asked her to meet me.” It’s funny how maknae-like Yongguk is with his sibings considering he’s the leader in their group. It’s funny but Yongnam laughs and pats his little brother’s shoulder. “Atta boy, go get her this time.”

Yongguk’s signature gummy smile comes out and he looks down shyly as he nods to his hyung, all he manages to mutter out of his hurting cheeks were simple words of thanks and acknowledgement.

“Thanks hyung, I guess I needed a beating after all.”

Yongguk was surprised to get a reply from her after 30 minutes. The 9 words flashed on the screen, causing him to flash the gummiest smile of his life.

Ok, meet me by our coffee shop at 6 pm.

Yongguk arrived a bit too early, although he doesn’t mind because he wants to see her walk through the door. He buys his iced coffee and he orders another caramel macchiato for her, to be sent out later when she arrives. He smiles at the familiar barista, who gives him back a nod with his little request. He goes back to their spot and waits as he sips on his iced coffee. When the clock turned 6:00, just like on cue, she arrives inside the store and Bang watched as she pouts her lips as she scanned the room, and when her eyes met his, she nodded awkwardly and pressed her lips together.

He suddenly felt nervous about the meeting when he sees her coming closer and closer to the table. He tries to keep calm as he swallows the thick lump that formed on his throat. He didn’t plan this through so how does he explain? How does he tell her, what does he tell her? He grunts inwardly, he has never been unprepared before so all he can do now is stick with his gut and hope it has a better judgment.

She bowed lightly to him before sitting down on the empty chair on in front of Yongguk, her eyes just focused on the brown table as she played with her fingers.

There was an awkward silence between the two of them, Yongguk coughed; trying to break the silence, but to no avail. Instead, he looked at the barista and signaled him to bring the extra drink to their table. The barista acknowledged him and started making the drink. Yongguk was fidgeting so much, being unable to handle the awkwardness between the two of them. They were both waiting on each other to say something, but obviously he should be the one to initiate the conversation because he was the one who asked to meet her.

Before he they both die from the eerie silence; the barista arrives at their table with an almost too excited tone and a really wide smile while giving her the drink.

“Here’s our Special Caramel Macchiato!” She placed the drink on Dani’s side of the table. She was about to protest that she didn’t order the drink but the barista went ahead of her and points at Yongguk.

“It’s courtesy of the gentleman over here.” Yongguk looks down and presses his lips together, trying to contain his shy smile.

The barista smiled at the sight of the two and bowed before she left the two alone. Dani just looked at the drink then she looked and Yongguk; who was still containing himself like a toddler. She gives a soft smile and finally talked to him.

“Thank you, for this.” She stirs the whipped cream on top of the cup while Yongguk looked up, meeting her eyes as they both shyly stared at each other.

“Caramel, right?” Yongguk questions as if he doesn’t know her favorite drink. She just chuckles and agrees. She takes a sip from it and Yongguk sways on his seat, scratching the back of his neck, as he feels happy with his simple sweet gesture to her. He’s hoping that that was enough to lighten the mood. It was quiet again after a minute. Yongguk feels like his four-year-old self possesses him. He can’t speak because all the words won’t escape from his mouth, he was tongue tied and frozen. Luckily, she went on ahead and spoke, surprising Bang greatly.

“Uhm, why did you ask to meet me?” She stops him dead with her question. There’s nothing to ask really besides that, but it still takes him aback.

“..to explain.” His voice was soft and calm, but she looks at him quizzically, causing Yongguk’s internal alarm to trigger.

“Yongguk, you.” She stops and bites her lip, pausing for a moment to gather her thoughts. She let’s out a sigh before continuing with what she had to say.

 “Before you say anything, I just want to say that you don’t have to explain about our break up. I-I understand.” Her lips curve into a sad smile. Yongguk’s ability to speak was what he needed right now but it was still halted, he wills to speak but his voice was lost somewhere inside his complicated mind. She continues her words as he was on his forced silence. “You always say I’m the sensible one, Yongguk. But in actuality, I think you’re the more sensible one. You’re always two steps ahead of me. You probably saw it coming, right? I didn’t.” Her eyes shift to the side because she couldn’t look straight at his eyes anymore.  

“I guess I was trying to fit pieces where it wouldn’t. And in the end, no matter how much I tried, the wrong piece would never be right. So why did I keep trying? I’m sorry if I didn’t see that. I was wrong in pushing you to fit into that piece. I must have probably expected too much. I’m sorry for forcing a heavy burden on you, I only realized all that now.” She stops as she felt that tears were ready to come out. She looks down and drinks the macchiato to help remove that lump on . Tears were fighting to escape from her eyes but it’s not right anymore so she focuses all her energy on not crying.

Bang was shaking in his seat. He hated himself at that moment because he still couldn’t speak amidst her words. He hated himself because, really? How could he have made her feel like she was the wrong one when in fact, he was the one who didn’t give much effort. Even now, he wants to hug her, to tell her it’s not her fault, that she shouldn’t say those words, that it’s not that, that wasn’t what he wants to say, and it’s definitely not what happened, but of course, that remains all in his mind because from the looks of what he’s doing now, he’s just quietly listening to her; seemingly agreeing to everything she’s saying.  Like that’s what happened after all.

“S-sorry.” She mutters again. “Right now, it must seem that I’m still not okay. I will be though, I understand. It’s okay; I’ll be okay soon. Thank you for always being patient with me, even up until now.” Her eyes were watery as she finally looks at Yongguk again. She forced out a smile; trying to reassure him that she’ll be strong enough to handle the break up.

Yongguk’s heart felt heavy, like it would explode, or break in any second. His eyebrows furrow as he looked at her broken smile. There wasn’t anything he can do as he was still stunned; he cursed himself inwardly for not being able to comfort her when she obviously needed it right now. He was so sure that with how he usually is, he looked questioningly indifferent. His body language always seems like that. He hoped that she wouldn’t feel that way but before he could break off from his paralyzing silence, she quickly stands up and gives a fast 90-degree bow before walking away with her final words.

“I- I can’t stay here any longer, I- thank you, Bang Yongguk.” She picks up her pace as she hastily exits the café. She didn’t know what else to do, or say. She couldn’t stay any longer because if she did, she’ll cry again, like the last time. And also, the silence was killing her soul every second. It hurts for her to admit that she was wrong, but it was the right thing to do. He was to kind to her and he deserved an apology at least. They needed to have a proper closure so they can move on.

She loved him; she still does, and even if it hurts for her, she has to finally let him go.

Yongguk his dry lips, dropping his forehead on his hands as he rubbed his face. He closed his eyes in frustration because that definitely wasn’t what he wanted to do. He didn’t plan it to end like that, with him not talking and her running away. It happened again, like the last time, she ran away and he didn’t hold on to her.

He wants to rip himself apart for being like this; he’s always paralyzed in the most crucial moments. He questions himself. He probably has no balls. He has no guts, and he’s not worthy to be called a man.

His free hand digs through his jean pocket, taking out a small yellow paper. He looked at what he wrote in it; supposedly, this was what he wanted to say to her. He crumples it bitterly and throws it harshly on the floor. No matter how much thought he gave into writing words, it wouldn’t even matter because; it’s now just empty words.

He covers his face with his hands and he whispers softly the words that were in the paper, reciting the whole thing under his breathe.

‘I know that I’m lacking in a lot of areas. To start off, I don’t pick up the smallest details: especially the most crucial ones. Also I’m always a second to late. Regretfully, I didn’t hold on to you when I should’ve. To be very honest, the past few days felt like hell. I felt dead; I didn’t know how much I loved you until I lost you. I took you for granted, and I’m sorry. But if you let me, I will hold on to you. I will change, starting now. Dani-yah, I love you. I mean it, I. love. you. So please, take me back. I promise to never let go of you, ever.’

Hot tears started running down his cheeks as he finished reciting his letter. He wanted to let her know all that. He wanted to hold on to her, but sadly, she’s gone. And all that remains of Bang is a heavy broken heart. He couldn’t even go up and chase after her, as it was getting harder for him to breathe. He felt like he was suffocating from the crippling feeling of him being a failure. He rests his head on the table, trying to save himself from every one’s prying stare. The tears kept falling as he tried his best to not let out a sound. So is that it? They ended, just like that. And to the end, he couldn’t even tell her. He couldn’t even stop his weakness. He didn’t stop her, and more importantly, he didn’t just stand up and hold on. There was no more second chance, and it ended in a regretfully painful goodbye.

------------------------

Song recommendation: Pieces Don't Fit Anymore;  James Morrison

and

Fearless ; Colbie Caillat

Like I said, this is a Three-Oneshot story.

Meaning, as per part, it's a story already. But together, it can be connected.

Yes, I changed from 2nd person, to 3rd person point of view.:) (I had to because this was both their sides now)

So, this is quite a long chapter, the longest chapter I've done ever in my life (4800 words). The fact that it took me different seating times to finish this probably must've helped in the long chapter making. (I usually finish everything in one or two goes.) 

Thank you for taking time to read it, I hope you like it! 

Dani<3 (PS. I AM NOT BANG BIASED AND I AM NOT THE 'DANI' THERE)

I dedicate this story to that Dani, pakyubang. Love you unni.