ChapterFive

Soo-Kyung stared into space. A car horn tooted in the distance, but the rest of the rush-hour traffic quickly covered the sound. She paid neither sound any heed.

She wrapped her arms around herself, hoping to stave off the cold air that she was just beginning to feel. The chill seeped into her bones, and she imagined it numbing her heart, hoping it would lessen the pain she was feeling.

After delivering his bad news, Seung-heon had turned to her, but she had been barely conscious of his attempt to comfort her. There was nothing he could say or do that would make her feel better. She had scarcely registered Ae Cha’s instruction to take time off before she had escaped to the nearest stairwell.

Somehow, she had been cognizant enough to know to avoid the elevators; at this time of the evening, visiting hours were coming to an end and they would be filled with loved ones leaving the hospital. Her feet had automatically brought her to the emergency exit stairs, and she had descended without a second thought.

And now, here she was. Sitting at the last step where the exit doors led to the carpark. It was a private parking lot, open only to staff, so she knew the chances of anyone chancing upon her was low. She didn’t feel like making small talk at the moment.

She couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe he was gone… just like that.

Her mind formed an image of Jae Woon’s smiling face, and his first words to her.

“Hi noona! Are you my social worker?” The three-year-old was vivacious, and he hadn’t stopped moving since she stepped into his room.

Jae Woon was always cheerful, and always had a ready smile for his visitors. He’d taken it upon himself – despite being one of the youngest in the ward – to be a regular visitor and cheerleader to the other patients.

It was a familiar sight – little Jae Woon with his IV stand trailing behind him – going round the ward. After two weeks of entering an empty room, Soo-Kyung had learnt to look in the other rooms for Jae Woon, because he never seemed willing to be confined to his.

His high-pitched laughter was a sound that simultaneously grated on the nurses and cheered them considerably.

Soo-Kyung buried her face in her hands, sobbing out loud now. Her heart ached for what she had lost; she mourned for the bright smile she would never again see, the playful expressions that tugged at her heartstrings.

She would never play cards with Jae Woon again, or channel surf with him in the ward as he blabbered about his friends from school. Never again would she help him with his schoolwork, or fall into the role of substitute teacher to help him catch up with lessons he had missed.

But more glaringly, never again would she feel Jae Woon’s little arms around her, giving her a hug of comfort as he told her not to worry, and to please take care of his mother.

Why? Why? Why? Soo-Kyung felt the injustice as if it were dealt directly at her. He was an innocent child, so adorable and so loving. Why did he have to die?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

The heavy metal door slamming behind him, Siwon made his way down the stairs quickly, his footsteps echoing loudly in the empty space.

He’d walked out on In-Young in the cafeteria, intent on avoiding her relentless questioning of his feelings on his uncle’s hospitalization and his dissatisfaction with Soo-Kyung.

But when he reached the hotel lobby, he found himself surrounded by members of the press, all pestering him for a comment on his uncle’s condition, since the hospital staff would not reveal anything to them.

He tried to brush them off, but they were hounds on a blood trail. Hospital security came to his rescue, blocking off the reporters and allowing him to escape via the nearest emergency exit.

So here he was, a member of one of society’s most prominent families, making his escape like a fugitive.

As he neared the bottom of the stairs, he heard sniffling sounds. Coming to an immediate halt, he peered down, wondering who on earth would be cloistering themselves in this small confine.

It was Soo-Kyung.

Inwardly, Siwon cursed again for the umpteenth time that day. Why do I keep bumping into this particular woman?

There was no way to avoid her. To get to his car, there was only one exit – and Soo-Kyung was crouched directly in front of the door.

He took one more step, wanting nothing more than to brush past her, but stopped when Soo-Kyung suddenly buried her face in her hands. It was then that Siwon realized she was crying.

Not just tearing, but full-out wailing as if her heart had just been broken.

Something within him stirred, and Siwon stood at the top of the stairs, looking down at Soo-Kyung, wondering what to do.

Just as before, Siwon was overcome by a protective need to draw the woman before him into his arms and offer her comfort. Her heartfelt sobs tugged at his heartstrings; she was obviously hurting and though he didn’t know why, he felt himself hurting along with her.

Taking off his jacket, he descended the rest of the stairs. Gently, so as to not startle her, Siwon placed his jacket lightly over her shoulders.

He’d noticed her rubbing her arms earlier, and goosebumps had already formed on her upper arms. There was a chill in the air, and Siwon was sure the thin cream blouse she wore was not adequate protection to ward against the dipping temperature.

Soo-Kyung jumped at his touch, and turned to look at him. Siwon said nothing in response; he just gave her a smile as he sat down beside her.

The ground felt cold to him, and he felt Soo-Kyung gave a little shudder as his shoulder brushed against hers.

He reached into his pocket and fished out a handkerchief that he handed to Soo-Kyung. She stared at the light gray cloth in his outstretched hand for a while, before she hesitatingly reached out to accept it.

Instead of using it to dry her tears, as he had expected – and intended – her to do, Soo-Kyung folded the cloth and clutched it tightly, as if it were a lifeline. She began to hiccup ever so often, a sign that she was trying to get her crying under control.

They sat in silence for a while, with Soo-Kyung continually taking deep breaths and Siwon politely waiting for her to compose herself.

Siwon found that he liked the quiet. Seldom was he in the presence of a woman who didn’t feel the need to fill every gap with conversation.

He was used to females who chattered non-stop without needing to take a breath, and he often used that to his advantage. If they were so intent on talking about themselves, they wouldn’t ask him too many questions about himself. And that was just the way he liked it.

But Soo-Kyung didn’t seem to have that problem. She seemed equally content to sit in silence with him, without a word between them.

Her breathing had evened out, indicating to Siwon that she’d composed herself – at least for the moment.

Siwon shifted; he was starting to get uncomfortable with the quiescence, much as he liked it.

He cleared his throat. “Are you alright?”

Mutely, Soo-Kyung nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Soo-Kyung turned and stared at Siwon. He met her gaze evenly, aware that the gray eyes registered surprise at his question. He was aware of other emotions reflecting in those eyes – a little fear, some longing and a hint of relief.

Realizing that Soo-Kyung wasn’t going to say anything – at least not yet – Siwon pressed on. “Did your boyfriend just break up with you?”

This got a reaction from the woman on his left, although it was the reaction Siwon had anticipated. Instead of bursting into tears, Soo-Kyung stared at him for a split second before a smile formed on her face, and then she started laughing.

“W-what’s so funny?” Now Siwon was confused.

Soo-Kyung buried her face in her hands again, this time unable to stop the laughter bubbling in .

“I – hiccup – no… no,” Soo-Kyung struggled to say, alternating between hiccups and laughter. The sight of Siwon’s bewildered face caused her to break into peals of laughter again.

“What?”

“My boyfriend didn’t break up with me,” Soo-Kyung finally said, after calming herself down. “At least, I don’t have a boyfriend to break up with.”

“You don’t?” A sense of relief shot through Siwon at her statement.

Soo-Kyung grinned at him. “Unfortunately, no.”

Then unexpectedly, she sobered up. “I wish it were as simple as that,” she muttered softly.

The change was so abrupt that Siwon was caught off-guard. One minute Soo-Kyung was laughing uncontrollably and the next, she looked on the verge of tears again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked again, more gently this time.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

A weight landed on her shoulders, and Soo-Kyung started, broken out of her memories of little Jae Woon. Turning, she felt – rather than saw – Choi Siwon sit down beside her, her tears all but blurring her vision.

His shoulder brushed against hers as he settled onto the step next to her, and she couldn’t help shuddering at the sudden jolt of electricity that shot through her.

She waited for him to say something, anything, to explain his presence there, but instead he out his hand at her. At first she looked blankly at his outstretched limb, then understanding dawned as she spotted the handkerchief nestled in his palm.

Soo-Kyung felt her vision blurring again, tears threatening to fall, as she reached out uncertainly to accept the handkerchief. It had been a long time since someone had last offered her a hanky to dry her tears, and this unexpected gesture of comfort brought a blast from the past, as she was caught up in her memories.

Unconsciously, she unfolded and re-folded the cloth in her hands, not realizing how tightly she was clutching the handkerchief until she felt her nails digging into her palm. Soo-Kyung took a deep breath, hoping to stem the tide of emotions overcoming her.

She let out an unladylike hiccup, then another. She was beyond caring what the man next to her thought; after all, she was pretty sure her tearstained eyes were a terrible sight to behold.

Suddenly, Siwon’s deep voice echoed throughout the stairwell. “Are you alright?”

About to hiccup again, Soo-Kyung could only nod. It was a lie; she wasn’t really all right. But how could she explain all her feelings to this man, this stranger?

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Soo-Kyung met Siwon’s gaze, shocked at his forwardness. This man just didn’t give up, did he?

At the same time, she was coignizant of an urge to tell him everything. Something in his gentle gaze seemed to shout his understanding. Soo-Kyung felt – and knew instinctively – that if she told Siwon what had happened, he would understand.

She was tempted. So tempted to spill all her fears. Even though she barely knew him, and had barely interacted with him except on a professional level, Siwon gave her a sense of security.

The next question took her completely offguard. “Did your boyfriend just break up with you?”

Soo-Kyung couldn’t help it, she burst out laughing. It made her feel better. Her shoulders shook, this time in uncontrollable guffaws. She shouldn’t be giggling so merrily, not after Jae Woon’s death, but she couldn’t stop.

“W-what’s so funny?”

The poor man. He had no idea what was going through her mind. She must’ve seemed like a mad woman to Siwon, crying her heart out one minute and cackling like a hyena the next.

Soo-Kyung buried her face in her hands, trying to control her laughter. Siwon sounded so perturbed by her reaction that she felt bad, and tried to explain. “I… no, no…” she hiccuped, struggling to get the words out.

“What?” Siwon looked even more confused now.

Soo-Kyung took a deep breath. “My boyfriend didn’t break up with me,” she said.

“At least, I don’t have a boyfriend to break up with,” she added as an afterthought.

“You don’t?” A look of relief flashed over Siwon’s face, and Soo-Kyung was left wondering what it meant.

She grimaced. “Unfortunately, no.”

The reminder of why she didn’t have a boyfriend – or even time to date – immediately sobered her up. She spent too much time on her patients to even consider having a relationship. And now, she had one reason less.

“I wish it were as simple as that,” Soo-Kyung said softly, lost in her thoughts.

She hadn’t expected him to hear her whispered words, but Siwon surprised her yet again. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Soo-Kyung couldn’t stand the kindness in his tone. If she said no, he would accept it and respect her decision. But did she really want to say no?

She settled for the safe route instead. “I’m not sure I can.”

“Not sure that you can talk about it? Or not sure whether you want to talk about it?”

Soo-Kyung was taken aback at his insightfulness, wondering not for the first time how Siwon managed to see through her.

She shrugged in reply. “I don’t know. Both, I think.”

They fell into silence again, both unsure of what to say. It stretched between them, yet it was far from being unpleasant. They fell into a rhythm of steady breathing, the sounds of traffic and their deep breaths the only echoes in that deserted stairwell.

“I lost someone today,” Soo-Kyung suddenly spoke up, unwilling to let the silence continue.

Siwon didn’t answer her. He simply reached out and took her hand in his. It was a small measure of comfort, all he felt he could offer her. He was afraid to speak, afraid of breaking the momentum of her confession with his words.

“H-he was very important to me,” Soo-Kyung continued, staring at their intertwined hands. “It wasn’t unexpected, but it’s still a big shock.”

Siwon found himself nodding as she spoke. He heard the pain in her voice as she explained anticipating death, and he understood her guilt at having anticipated it at all. It was the same emotions he felt towards his uncle – he knew Chang Euk was a heart attack waiting to happen; yet he felt terrible for even thinking that.

“He’s been sick for some time now…” Soo-Kyung broke off, reality crashing down on her again. Jae Woon was gone. That fact seemed much more real now that she had told someone about it. It was final. He was never coming back.

She felt the tears coming again, and this time she didn’t try to stop them. Siwon let go of her hand, and she felt the loss of contact keenly. She sensed his hesitation, and then she was gathered in his arms as he shifted his position and pulled her close.

Her face buried in his shoulder, she caught whiffs of his cologne. It was masculine, just like him. He pulled her even closer, tucking her head under his chin as he her back lightly.

Soo-Kyung felt her heart breaking all over again. The flood of feelings was overwhelming her and she felt washed up in the tide.

But she couldn’t seem to stop the tears. Soo-Kyung knew she was soaking his shirt, but Siwon gave no indication that he minded. He continued hugging her without a word, offering comfort without words – the only way he knew how.

After a while, Soo-Kyung pulled away from the embrace, reluctant as she was to leave the security of Siwon’s arms. She stared, aghast at the tearstains she made on his shirt.

“S-sorry about that,” she told him.

Siwon barely gave his wet shirt a second glance. “Don’t worry about it.”

Soo-Kyung flinched under his intent gaze, which was boring a path straight into her soul. She knew she had to get away before Siwon forced her to expose more of her secrets. Crying in his arms was a weakness that she seldom revealed to others.

She stood up abruptly, ignoring the surprised look Siwon gave her. “I have to go.”

“It’s okay, I have time,” Siwon told her, mistakenly assuming that Soo-Kyung felt she was imposing on him.

“It’s…” Soo-Kyung trailed off. How could she explain her unease in his presence, how emotionally she felt when she was with him?

Siwon grabbed her hand. “It’s okay. Really. You don’t have to go.”

“I have to,” she pulled away from his grasp.

“Soo-Kyung,” Siwon started, addressing her without honorifics for the first time.

She barely registered his informal tone. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

Without another word, Soo-Kyung ran up the stairs, not even sparing Siwon with a backward glance.

He watched her run away from him, and only when she was out of sight, and her footsteps no longer echoed, did he turn and head out into the night.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *