Listen on repeat; Credits to popgasa for the lyrics ^_^

--

Don’t hesitate anymore, please. It was love at first sight, a captivation that held me in place, giving me no room to hesitate, no room to breathe. There’s only her and only me—a configuration of space and time, an acute feeling of belonging to another like I’ve never felt before. Take my heart away. I willed her to take my heart away.

Yes, the sharper it is, the better. I feel the distance between us, palpable, thick, inescapable. The sharper it is, the better. I hack, slice, peel away the layers keeping us apart. There is desperation in the air, a wild cry, a thud on the ground. I see her and she sees me, a reflection of fear, of longing, of knowing we’re not meant to be. Even the moonlight shuts its eyes tonight in pity, giving us not even a light to see until we wonder whether we ever saw in the beginning.

If only it was a different guy and not me, will anything have been different? Will the pain have been any less? Will the walls crumble down? If only it was a line of comedy. Will she be laughing, then? Will everything be alright? But it isn’t. I hack, slice, peel away the layers keeping us apart.

I will burn all of the scars exchanged with your love. Every cut, every wound I’ve etched into her heart, I want to remove, I want to replace. Take my heart away.

-

He woke up, leftover tears slipping through his eyes as he sat up on his bed. He rubbed his face tiredly as the dream ran through his mind, a reel depicting the horror movie that is his life. It's been the same dream for months, repeating in the same fashion, gruesome and inescapable.

He went through the motions, washing his face, brushing his teeth. He examined the face looking back at him and almost didn’t recognize it—dark circles surrounded the man’s eyes, a hollowness in his eyes, in his cheeks, in his pale mouth. Was this what death felt like?

He couldn’t help but scoff at the irony. He didn’t have the right to say that. Not when he knew what he did. Everything was turning into a huge ball of irony, now, wasn’t it? He wanted to wake up from the nightmare, but reality wasn’t any kinder. He wanted to cry, but it seemed he didn’t have the right to.

So he forced himself to smile—if only for her, he should smile. Walking through the familiar automatic glass doors, he found himself heading a different direction than normal, turning a small corridor leading to an office.

“I’m here for an appointment with Dr. Shin,” he said to the secretary.

“Kim Junmyeon?”

He nodded, his mind already flying somewhere else, his heart set on a quiet prayer.

“This way, please.” He followed behind, entering a nondescript room. A desk; an examining table; A sprinkling of chairs: clinical, harsh, business-like.

“What can I do for you today?” the doctor laced his fingers together, leaning in from his swivel chair, all practiced joviality.

“You have a patient in need of heart transplant.”

“That is not for me to say,” he answered the statement as if it were a question.

“Her name is Kang Yeonhee. She’s currently in this hospital,” Junmyeon insisted.

“What about her? We cannot break patient-doctor confidentiality,” the cardiologist spoke with as much calm as before.

“I’m not asking for information. I want to be her donor.”

The doctor was suddenly all attention. “It’s not as easy as you think, boy.”

He ignored the patronizing tone. “I know. I’m willing to undergo as many tests as it takes to see if I’m a match.”

“We can do no such thing. There are rules—guidelines—to follow.”

“I don’t care about the rules!” Junmyeon shouted in frustration. He took a breath and continued. “I’m healthy—I eat right, I do active sports, I drink moderately, I’ve never done drugs.”

“I don’t think you’re hearing me correctly,” a flash of impatience crossed the doctor’s face.

“You aren’t listening either. Run the tests, and if it doesn’t work out, we’ll pretend it never happened.”

“This isn’t a joke, Mr. Kim. If you turn out to be a match, you know the implications. You’re young, and if you’re to be believed, perfectly healthy. It’s unethical for me to agree to this,” the doctor challenged.

“It’s not unethical if you have my permission. I know exactly what I’m doing, so just conduct the damn tests. You know as well as I do that she doesn’t have much time,” he snarled.

-

“Hey, you,” her face lighted up instantly as he peeked into the room.

“Hey,” in two long strides, he was standing by her bedside, giving her a peck on the forehead. “How was your day?”

“It’s been…” she stopped to breathe, “pretty fun.”

Junmyeon held her hand and played with her fingers, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “Little Hongbin kept me… company. We played with his Lego set.”

“What else did you do?”

“I finished a book.” She reached over the desk and avoided the flower vase to take a book. “It’s called The Glass Castle. It’s heartbreaking.” She went silent when she saw a flash of pain cloud his eyes. She shouldn’t have said that.

“I mean, the character’s really… resilient. Somehow she becomes successful… even after everything she…goes through.” Breathing was getting harder as panic started bubbling up . There was no need to remind him of this. Yeonhee set the book down on her lap and covered his hand with hers.

“Noodles (Myeon), baby, look at me.” Her thumb rubbed comforting circles around his hand. “It’s alright, okay? I’m going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”

He looked at her, unshed tears glistening in his eyes. He smiled—no artificiality, no coercion, no pain this time.  “You’re right. You’re going to be okay.” After the darkness passes, none of this will have happened. You’re not going to disappear, because my love will protect you. “You’re going to be okay.” He repeated over and over again, to himself, to her, to a higher being up there. Please let her be okay.

-

We exchange our fates that are headed towards each other.

“Do you want whipping cream on it, sir?” she smiled at him.

“Huh, what?”

“Whipping cream?” She shook the can.

“Oh, yeah. Whipping cream, yeah.”

What he intended as a quick coffee stop became a four-hour internal battle to talk to her or not to talk to her. He sat on a table close to the counter, pretending to read a book as he watched her take order after order, smiling at each customer with the same warmth.

He started panicking when she walked over to him. He pretended to be engrossed with his book, his eyes unseeing as his heart went overtime.

She sat down on the chair opposite his, resting her chin on her palm. She turned her head as upside-down as it could go, reading the title. “The… Kite… Runner. Awesome read if you were actually reading it the right side up,” she chuckled.

He quickly scrambled to turn his book aright. Smooth going, Junmyeon.

“It’s very compelling,” he tried to recover.

“Right,” she nodded, laughing even more. “So what part are you on?”

“Um…” Junmyeon wracked his brain for something—anything—that sounded plausible. Nothing was popping up. “You caught me,” he laughed. “I wasn’t actually paying attention.”

“That’s what I thought,” she winked at him. “Well, just so you know, we’re closing in ten minutes.” She stood up to tell the other customers.

He sat there, tucking his book safely back into his messenger bag as he held the empty coffee cup. He wanted to smack himself in the head—he just blew up any chances he had with her.

-

“Wanna go grab coffee?” he asked his roommate.

“Are you made of money? You just bought coffee yesterday,” Jongdae shook his head.

“But the coffee over there is really good.”

“I don’t want any. You know what I want to do instead? Buy these awesome high-tops at the mall. They’re going on sale. So you’re coming with me.”

“I have classes today.”

“No you don’t. You just asked to go to coffee.”

“I still don’t want to go.”

“Of course you do.”

Junmyeon somehow found himself standing in line next to a hyperactive Jongdae, waiting to get rung up.

“I don’t understand why you need another pair. You already have enough to last a—“

He stopped midsentence when he saw the coffee girl walk into the store. “It’s her.”

“Who’s her?” Jongdae followed his friend’s gaze.

“Coffee girl,” Junmyeon said in a daze, still watching her every move.

“Oh.” Realization dawned on the roommate’s eyes. “Coffee girl. Well, what are you going to do about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Aren’t you going to ask for a name to attach to the pretty face?”

“Yeah, no. Why would I?”

“Oh, I don’t know, because you’re obviously into her?” Jongdae shoved him towards the girl’s direction.

And that was how Kim Junmyeon officially met Kang Yeonhee.

-

As much as there was no choice but for us to go awry, I know we have loved that much more.

“Aren’t you getting coffee a little too often?” she looked at him quizzically.

“I don’t know what you mean. I love the coffee here,” Junmyeon shrugged his shoulders.

“Okay. Multiple times a day, though?”

“The baristas make it even more awesome.”

“Sure,” she held out the cup. “Your coffee’s ready.”

“Thanks. But mind writing something on my cup?”

“What is it?”

“Your number.”

“I think you can do without it,” she said dismissively.

“I’m positive I can’t,” Junmyeon looked at her with pleading eyes.

She sighed.”Look, Junmyeon, you’re a cool guy. But I don’t do relationships.”

“I’m not asking for one,” he insisted. “I’ll just be a friend, I promise.” He drew an X over his heart before raising his right palm like he was about to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

She couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll think about it.” She pushed the coffee in his direction.

“Alright! That’s better than nothing.”

-

“Ready to write down the magic numbers?” Junmyeon tried again.

“You’re supposed to give me time to think about it,” she said, punching in his order.

“I’m just making sure you didn’t forget,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“You’re making this way too easy for me,” she looked at him.

“So will I get your number?” He looked at her hopefully.

“No.”

“Come on, Yeonhee. I promise I won’t pester you too much.”

“Really now?” She raised a brow.

“Okay, I can’t promise that,” he laughed.

She was melting under the pressure, under his beautiful smile, under that cute persistence.

“Here’s your coffee, sir.” She turned the cup so the writing was facing him.

And that was how Kim Junmyeon got Kang Yeonhee’s number.

-

When you smile, sun shines, the brilliance can’t be expressed with the boundaries of language.

“I’m really glad you said yes,” he beamed at her as they walked down the Cherry Blossom Lane.

“I didn’t think there was another option,” she . He laughed, enjoying the feeling of having her next to him.

“But today was really fun,” she smiled, looking up at him. He looked at her, wanting to capture the moment forever, wanting to keep forever the ray of sunshine she brought into his life.

“Yeah, it was.” He stopped walking, gently holding onto her wrist, letting go when she stopped. He his lower lip before beginning. “I know I said ‘just friends,’ but it’s hard to keep hiding what I feel for you.”

Yeonhee shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “You know—“

“I know, I know. It’s just—I just wanted to put it on the table. You don’t have to do anything about it.”

-

Waves are crashing down in my heart.

“Yeonhee.” She looked up from what she was writing, a smile playing on her lips.

“Why don’t you do relationships?” He was done skirting around the topic when it was all he could think about.

He registered surprise in her eyes. “Because I just don’t,” she shrugged, trying to stop him before he could get into dangerous territory.

“There’s got to be a reason behind all of this.” Junmyeon persisted. “I know you say you don’t want one, but the way you look at me, the way that smile plays on your lips when you’re around me, the way you’re so willing to hang out with me, they tell me a different story.”

“You’re assuming too much about me, Junmyeon.” There was an edge to her voice as she started packing up her books.

“Maybe I am. But you’re refusing to let me in—I have no other choice.” He followed her as she started walking out of the library.

“How about respecting my distance and walking away? That’s an option.” She quickened her pace to get away from him. Unfazed, he matched her footfalls.

“That option was out the window the first time I saw you.” He saw her step falter—he was gaining traction, so he kept going. “I don’t know what you’re running away from, or why you’re running away, but just know that you’ll always have me.”

“You don’t know that.” Still, he saw her barriers falling away.

“I do. Believe me, I do. And I know the line’s been overused, but if you’ll let me, I’ll show you.”

He took a slow step forward, making sure she knew what he was about to do.

“Let me, and I’ll show you,” he repeated as he inched closer to her, closing the distance between them. He leaned down, their lips almost touching. “Is it okay?”

She nodded almost imperceptibly, feeling the butterflies wreak havoc in her tummy. With as much gentleness and care as before, he brought his lips to hers, a promise of the future.

And that was how Kim Junmyeon finally got Kang Yeonhee to say yes.

-

On this stormy night (like the sky is about to fall), it’s fitting for a night like this…

“Noodles.” She played with his soft hair as he lay on her lap.

“Hm?” He smiled at the nickname, loving the way they sounded on her lips.

“Do you know the Little Mermaid’s story?”

“The Disney story?” Junmyeon asked absently.

“No. The real mermaid story.” She stopped his hair for a bit.

“I didn’t know there was a real version,” he said, his hand finding their way to hers as he guided it back to his hair.

“Well, here’s how it goes.” He heard her catch her breath like she just ran. What was that?

She continued on like nothing happened. “There was once a little mermaid who lived under the sea. One day, she fell in love with a prince on shore.” She stopped again.

“Then what?” Junmyeon looked up at her.

“Then… she made a deal with a sea witch—she wanted to be human. So, she exchanged her tongue for legs. She could dance wonderfully with those legs, but every step will feel like daggers, enough to make her bleed.”

“That’s so much work for a random guy,” he commented.

“I guess,” she laughs. “The condition was that she needed to make him fall in love with her, kiss her, and… marry her. Part of his soul will transfer to her, and she becomes a human soul. If he marries someone… else, she’ll die of heartbreak, and turn… into sea foam.”

“Hey, are you okay? Are you feeling sick anywhere?” Her shortness of breath didn’t escape him.

“Yeah. Of course, I am,” she smiled at him reassuringly. “So, the prince sees her and falls in love with her. But then he has an arranged marriage with a neighboring kingdom’s princess.” She took the sentence break to breathe. “The prince falls for the princess instead. So the girl turns into foam.”

“That’s sad,” Junmyeon was silent for a few beats. “So why’d you tell me that story?”

“I don’t know. It just feels like our love story for some reason.”

“You’re not going to turn into foam. Besides, why would I even look at another princess when I already have my queen right here with me?”

“There’s plenty of pretty princesses out there.”

“But I don’t want anyone else.” Junmyeon didn’t know why she was suddenly bringing the topic to the surface.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. More sure than I’ve been of anything.”

-

I had to let you go in this moment that shines brighter than tears; my love will be remembered.

“You’re a donor candidate for patient Kang Yeonhee,” the doctor said. He started rattling off information about lowest possible rejection, something about immunosuppressants doing the rest. All Junmyeon heard was that it would work.

“Unfortunately, we can do nothing about this information. You’re not dead, or brain dead. We’ll just have to wait for a donor to come.”

“That's fine." He wasn't listening. "Where can I sign forms that'll donate my organs after I die?"

"You'll have to discuss this with your family. It is as much their decision as it is yours."

"It's my body, it's my jurisdiction." The doctor was being too personal.

"Alright."

-

On top of the dark shadow of pain, on the threshold of farewell...

"What would you do once you get your new heart?"

"I'd want to go to an amusement park... with you. We've never done that before."

"What else?"

"Go to Paris together, see the Eiffel Tower. It's the most romantic... city in the world." She smiled dreamily.

"What about doing things by yourself?"

"Why do I have to think about that? You'll always be by my side."

Junmyeon nodded, turning away from her.

-

Even if I cruelly fall down, even that will be for you so I will handle it. He started the engine, looking straight ahead as the headlights . No seatbelt tonight, no destination.

Instead, I will give myself to you, who doesn’t even know me. He stepped on the gas, resolve running through his veins, his mind, his heart.

Don’t cry—instead of hot tears, show me cold laughter. He called out to her in his mind, hoping she could hear him. Forget me, live without me. Go to an amusement park, go to the Eiffel Tower, be happy.

Say no more: Please don’t hesitate, just when I’m about to become like foam. I’ll disappear so you can live. The Little Mermaid doesn’t have to die. I give my heart and soul to you—all of it, so you’ll forget the pain.

Just burn me with that knife so I can remain as a dazzling person. The needle turned dangerously to the right, the car gaining speed too quickly. And suddenly, everything went black.

-

The moonlight fills your eyes...

“You have a heart, Yeonhee-ssi.” A nurse came into the room.

“That’s so sudden,” her mother spoke up, dazed and ecstatic.

The nurse merely nodded, handing them paperwork to start the girl on pre-op procedures.

“Who’s the donor? I want to thank his family,” the father said.

“He stated his wish to remain anonymous.” The nurse’s voice cracked. Nobody noticed.

Yeonhee reached for her phone, wanting to share the good news with the one person who mattered. The phone rang once, twice, thrice.

“Hey, it’s Junmyeon. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.” A beep sounded. She hung up and tried again.

“Hey, it’s Junmyeon. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.” That’s weird. He's never missed any of her calls before.

“You’ll have to sign here so we can start your pre-op medication.” The nurse broke off her thoughts, keeping her busy with all the last-minute preparation.

-

The night passes silently in pain.

“Nothing else seems to be broken.”

“No. But his medulla is severely damaged. He won’t be able to breathe on his own.”

“Such a pity for such a young man.”

“If he’d worn a seatbelt…”

“There weren’t any cars around—I don’t know how he managed to crash.”

“It’s as if he knew he was going to die.”

“What do you mean?”

“He signed a DNR* on his records.”

“Does his family know?”

“Someone already called them.”

“We’ll wait to remove the plug.”

-

It was love at first sight, a captivation that held me in place, giving me no room to hesitate, no room to breathe. There’s only her and only me—a configuration of space and time, an acute feeling of belonging to another like I’ve never felt before. Take my heart away. I willed her to take my heart away.

Yes, the sharper it is, the better. I feel the distance between us, palpable, thick, inescapable. The sharper it is, the better. I hack, slice, peel away the layers keeping us apart. There is desperation in the air, a wild cry, a thud on the ground. I see her and she sees me, a reflection of fear, of longing, of knowing we’re not meant to be. Even the moonlight shuts its eyes tonight in pity, giving us not even a light to see until we wonder whether we ever saw in the beginning.

I hack, slice, peel away the layers keeping us apart. Slowly, the layers fall away. We are face to face: she looks at me and I look at her, a reflection of bliss. Finally, we're close enough to touch.

I reach out a hand to her, but still, something keeps us apart: a beating heart, a choice. Pain crosses her eyes. She shakes her head, refusing. I push it to her, and slowly, I feel myself getting lighter, disappearing.

-

He never woke up.

-

The early sunlight melts down...

"She's awake."

"Somebody call the nurse."

“The operation was successful.”

“Where’s Junmyeon?”

No one answers. A sinking feeling. A painful realization. There is desperation in the air, a wild cry, a thud on the ground.

-

The brightness that resembles you falls down…

“Baby.”

“Yeah?” She smiled at him from across the kitchen.

“You never finished your story.” He walked over to her, wrapping his arms around the back of her waist.

“What story?” She smiled at the comforting warmth.

“The Little Mermaid story,” his voice sounded contemplative.

“Oh yeah?”

“She never turned to foam.”

“That’s weird. I thought she did.” She turned to face him, question written all over her face.

“She became a daughter of the air for trying so hard to gain a human soul, for loving someone so wholeheartedly. She didn’t disappear.”

-

My eyes that were once lost finally cries, cries, cries.

“Hey, it’s Junmyeon. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

“Come on, Noodles. Answer the phone.”

“Hey, it’s Junmyeon. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

She shook her head and tried again.

“Hey, it’s Junmyeon. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

“Please, Junmyeon. Answer me.”

“Hey, it’s Junmyeon. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

--

*A/N: DNR= Do Not Resuscitate, meaning the patient will refuse life support.

If you want an analysis of the story, or just need to chew it over, read my thoughts in here.