http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-_jceNsRbY

Again!

He took a chair and placed it beside the window pane, looking out of the window when it’s 11:45am.

Yeah.

11:45am.

Every day.

What’s actually special on this 11:45am?

I’m curious. Really really curious!

In order to clear that annoying thoughts out of my mind, I planned to stay back for a while.

“XiuMing, can Jiejie stay for a while?” I asked, wondered if he allowed me to do so.

“Ermm..” He replied. Not paying attention on me, continued to fix his gaze on the road.

His eyes constantly glued to the front gate of the hospital, enough to make a hole on the road if he owned the power of laser eyes.

Tick! Tick! Tick!

12:50pm.  An hour and 5 minutes passed.

Yet, XiuMing was still sitting on his chair, glanced on the front gate.

Tick! Tick! Tick!

12:55pm. And another 5 minutes passed.

Slowly, signs of disappointment shown clearly on his face.

He came down from his seat, went back to his bed in heavy steps.

“XiuMing, are you not feeling well?” I asked, concerned of his health.

“No…” He answered, hugged the fluffy teddy in his arms and played it with his small hand.

Even though it was like a simple scene showing a kid having fun with his toy, still I felt something different behind it.

The fact that he was upset. Really really upset.

Just then, a man entered and immediately chased away the gloomy look on XiuMing’s face.

“Sorry, XiuMing.” The man gasped, clearly shown that he was running his way up to here.

Of course, his familiar voice woke XiuMing out of his bed.

“Daddy!” He shouted and ran toward him, with his daddy picked him up into his arms.

“Oh, how XiuMing today? Okay?” He asked, his voice full with concern.

“Ermm… like usual. But, XiuMing feeling better now.” He said, acting like a popeye and showed his unseen muscle.

“I don’t think I see any muscle.” His dad joked, making XiuMing pouted on his honesty.

“Daddy is a bad boy. XiuMing doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.” He said and walked into my arms.

Surprised by my appearance, he quickly greeted me, making me kind of awkward as I should be the one who greeted him at first.

Anyways, it didn’t take long as we just simply introduced ourselves and later XiuMing stuck into his daddy’s warm embrace again.

I sat at aside, my eyes observed on the father of the little boy.

The more I saw him interacted with XiuMing, the more I found that how assemble they were, just like the exactly same person if there weren’t any age difference.

The way they spoke, the way they smiled and the way they frowned, exactly the same.

Now, I seemed to realize why XiuMing was able to attract my attention.

They’re having the same mindset even though unlucky thing approached them, trying to take away their hope of life.

They didn’t fear to confront it, be positive in facing any challenge they have.

As they were contented with the current moments they have.

The happy moments they spent together. With no regrets.

30 minutes later, XiuMing stared at his daddy for a while before he sat on his bed and requested him to go home.

“It’s okay, XiuMing. Daddy was given a half day off today thanks to XiuMing. I can stay here with you until tomorrow morning.” He smiled, assuring his son that he won’t need to left earlier today.

“I want daddy to go home.” He insisted.

“Why? Don’t you want daddy to accompany you?” He asked, surprised by his son’s comment.

“I don’t want daddy to be a panda!” He said and pointed his finger to the dark circles around his daddy’s eyes.

“XiuMing, it’s okay. Daddy doesn’t feel tired.”

However, his words didn’t changed XiuMing’s mind.

“But XiuMing didn’t like to see panda eyes. If daddy not going to go home right now, XiuMing will not take the medicine.” He said, affirmation could seen in his eyes.

“XiuMing ah…”

“Daddy always told XiuMing to be an obedient boy, so XiuMing always ate the medicine when given. But, right now, XiuMing just wants daddy to go home for today... Daddy, you’re not listening to my word. I hate you.”

Slowly, tears pooled his eyes, making his daddy be at a loss of what to do.

“Okay, fine. Daddy go home.” He said, finally surrendered to his son.

“See you tomorrow.” He said and flashed him a bright smile.

“Good boy!” He caressed his daddy’s head, delighted by his obedient daddy.

After cleaning up everything, his daddy waved goodbye before leaving us alone in the silent room.

Yeah, silent room.

Actually, I was confused by his action as I previously seen how much he longed to see his daddy.

However, the fact that I saw him chasing his daddy away making me fall into the state of confusion.

Why?

I wondered...

It was like XiuMing had a mind detector in his mind. Soon, he answered my question when he saw the confused me.

“My daddy worked a lot of part-time in order to pay for my hospital fee. He was busy and lacked of sleep. But every day, he still come and visit me as he afraid I will be lonely. Even though I want daddy to be by my side, still I can’t be so selfish and let daddy tired. I want him to rest more.” He said.

Just like an electric wave, it passed through my heart, surprised me by the words he stated. The words that didn’t match with his age.

He continued to watch over his daddy through the window, until his daddy’s back slowly disappeared from his sight.

“Jiejie, can I ask you a question?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

“If I want daddy to remarry again, will mommy get angry?”

Again, the unexpected words came from his mouth hit my mind again, leaving me clueless on what to reply back.

As it took time for me to interpret the words he said, XiuMing was in the verge of tears.

Thinking that I was angry at his question.

“Why are you crying, XiuMing?” I took a tissue, wiping away his tears.

“Is Jiejie angry with me?” He asked with his pitiful eyes, tears falling down on his cheeks.

I brushed my thumb on his face, slowly lifted up his head as I stared into his eyes.

“No, but can XiuMing tells me why you want daddy to marry again?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WYDM-_DYnU

Sensitive to my question, XiuMing quickly denied the worst thought that I might have by that moment.

“XiuMing wants daddy to remarry not because XiuMing is jealous of other people for having a mother! But… but…” He stammered, unable to blurt out his words.

“But what? Can you tell Jiejie?” I asked gently, hoping he would make a reply.

“But XiuMing doesn’t want daddy to cry alone…” he lowered his head.

“XiuMing knows himself will be meeting mommy in the future soon. If XiuMing is together with mommy in heaven, daddy will have nobody with him. XiuMing doesn’t want daddy to cry alone.”

His final answer startled me, making me lost my words. It was really hard for me to believe that these words were actually coming from a young kid like him.

Despite the same young age like him, I was negative thinking and always blamed the god for making me suffered at this young age.

I’m only concerned on myself, ignored the people around me as I’m afraid they might hurt me if I befriend with them.

Not even dare to interact and open my heart to people who cared for me.

For the first time, I felt bad of myself.

I’m actually worse than a young kid…

♠ Author's note ♠

That was the first time I reflected on myself. Feeling bad for being so negative thinking for years.

I ignored the people around me, prevented to involve in people's life as I thought I will be suffering a lot if they left me one day.

However, XiuMing and his dad proved to me that I was wronged.

Wronged as I let fear and depression became my owner.

[Never live in fear of losing someone, and if they make you feel that way, then they are the one who should be losing you.]

Kim Hoeun

2013.08.06