la douleur exquise.

»  When you’re thousands and thousands of miles up in the sky, it only takes the smallest of missteps to send you plummeting to the ground. The breath hitches in your throat while your heart lurches in your chest and you blink in shock because everything had been fine until that very second. Your mind scrambles for some sort of solution, but by the time it finally creates one (that is, if it creates one), it’s too late. You find yourself on the ground: bones broken, eyes lifeless, and soul absolutely empty.

Rain falls, leaves fall, and so do people.

Jung Soojung is no exception to this rule.

In fact, the only thing that Jung Soojung seems to know how to do is freefall from the air as her life passes her by.

(Falling, falling, always falling. Waiting for Prince Charming to fly in and save her from utter demise. But Prince Charming doesn’t exist so she dies at the end of every one of her dreams.)

Krystal wants to laugh but she lacks the strength to, so Soojung does instead.

---

Being an exchange student is something that she never signed herself up for. Of course, the word of her parents is law, so Soojung finds herself quietly sitting in a corner of her older sister’s Korean flat as she makes out with a mysterious stranger that Soojung doesn’t feel she should concern herself with.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?”

The brunette glances up to see a bright face amidst the darkness of the crowd. “Yeah. Sooyeon’s younger sister.”

“Mmm,” the taller woman hums, before taking a seat at Soojung’s side. Dressed in what looks like an expensive designer outfit, the smiling girl looks like she’s the same age as Soojung. Her dyed brown hair falls to a point a little below her shoulders and her eyes twinkle with this sort of spark that makes Soojung want to wince.  “Your sister’s really into parties, huh?”

“I guess so.”

When the stranger laughs, it sounds like the tinkling of bells. Soojung can’t stop her lips from twitching upwards at the innocent sound that stands out from the electronic rhythm that’s been dominating her eardrums for a tad bit too long.

(But Krystal thinks that noise is annoying and sneers in disgust.)

“It’s okay, I’m not that fond of them either. I’d prefer to just relax at home, you know? Unfortunately for me, my friends have been getting on my case about my lack of social skills. I didn’t have much of a choice this time around.”

Soojung mutters a halfhearted response that can barely be heard over the music.

Something about it sends the other girl into another laughing fit. It isn’t until she finally calms herself down that she finally introduces herself. “My name’s Jinri.”

She extends her hand to shake the other girl’s.

(Don’t do it, you idiot. You’re making friends with the wrong people.)

“Soojung.”

Their hands grasp each others in a gentle way that Soojung hadn’t expected.

(There’s no going back now.)

---

When Soojung later asks her sister about the girl, Sooyeon only responds with a simple “Oh, Jinri. Yeah, she’s one of Victoria’s friends. If I remember correctly, you two are actually in the same grade.”

Soojung hums in thought.

(Krystal smirks at the opportunity.)

---

“Is it that different from America?” Jinri questions, tilting her head to the side slightly as she guides Soojung through the maze of hallways. “I’d imagine that it is. Western movies portray high school so… oddly.”

Krystal rolls her eyes while Soojung allows a light laugh to escape her lips. “Yeah, it’s definitely something else. Especially the uniforms.”

 “I bet that our school will be a tad bit boring in comparison,” the taller girl admits with a sheepish smile, “Our campus is kind of small though, so it’ll be easy to get to know everyone.”

And just as Soojung expected, Jinri continues through her tour of the school, pointing out people that she considers interesting as they go along. Soojung struggles to try and memorize all the names, but Krystal doesn’t see the point in it. After all, why should she waste energy trying to recall the names of insignificant faces in an otherwise busy crowd? That would be stupid.

Names and faces all fly through her mind with not even a second thought.

Until they come across him.

Soojung feels all of her senses come to a sudden standstill. Her vision begins to blur and she parts her lips to question the man before her, but nothing comes out because it seems that her tongue has tied itself into a knot. There’s a faint ringing in her ears without any explanation as to what might have caused it because no matter how hard she tries, it seems that Soojung can’t connect the ties between sight and sound. Her heart is suddenly threatening to lurch out of her chest and the feeling scares her, because this has happened to her before. Dear God, this has happened to her before and it scares her because despite her nonchalant gaze, everything scares her. Smudges of bright colors flash through her mind, along with a gentle voice’s melodic song and the memoir of a hand holding another, and then –

“Soojung, this is Jongin.”

The man before her is tall with mussed hair and an awkward expression on his features that does nothing to disguise the genuine kindness that lies underneath. His uniform’s jacket is left ed and rolled up halfway as he leans against a locker, lips moving, but no sound being produced.

But it’s his eyes that make the breath hitch in Soojung’s throat.

Because there’s something in his eyes that reminds her of a dream that she once had: a dream of gentleness and compassion and coy caresses and light whispers of “I love you” and “Please, please, don’t ever let me go.”

(Familiar, familiar. Doesn’t he look so familiar, Soojung?)

The epiphany sends her mind reeling and she finds that she can’t bring herself to respond to the casual greeting that had been offered to her only moments ago.

So she does instead.

“My name’s Soojung. But please, call me Krystal.”

He blinks at her for a moment – slow and lazy yet careful and cautious – before a smile lights up his features. “Nice to meet you, Krystal.”

Something is screaming in the back of Soojung’s mind, but she finds that she doesn’t care all that much for it as long as this stranger with the addicting eyes keeps smiling at her like that.

---

“Are you alright, Soojung? You’re looking a little pale.”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” she mumbles, mind still spinning. She doesn’t plan on saying anything more, but it seems that Krystal has other ideas. “It’s just been such a long first day, you know? At least the workload isn’t too bad. I just… It really that I moved here in the middle of the school year. It would’ve been cool to just hang out with you guys without any worries, you know?”

Jinri frowns in empathy, guilt clouding her eyes – Krystal smiles at this. She had read the girl correctly, after all.

The taller woman fidgets for a moment in thought, before finally allowing a bright smile to grace her features, “Well, like you said, there’s not too much homework tonight. And Jongin’s been complaining about how much he wants to see that new comedy…”

Soojung grins in anticipation, while Krystal smirks.

(Bingo.)

---

When they arrive at Soojung’s doorstep full of smiles and excitement, Sooyeon makes her younger sister promise to be back by midnight, before handing her more than enough won to last the night and sending her on her way.

Evidently, none of the high school students are able to drive (much to Krystal’s amusement), so all six of them – Soojung, Jinri, Jongin, and three others whom Krystal quickly labels as irrelevant – end up taking the bus. It’s a tad bit embarrassing, but Jinri assures the younger girl with a laugh, “Don’t worry, students here do it all the time.”

It doesn’t take long for them to arrive at the theatre and purchase their tickets. Jinri and two of the guys stop by the concessions stand, but insist for Jongin, Soojung, and the other girl – Amber? – to “get their asses into the theatre because, Jongin, I swear, if we’re sitting behind super tall people again, I’m going to kill you and draw on your corpse with eyeliner.”

Jongin just laughs and ruffles the hair of the shorter man, “Baek, if that happens again, you can just sit on my lap. It’ll give you a nice boost.”

The older male flushes a bright red, before giving his friend a harsh shove in the general direction of the movie room.

Soojung trails after him, ecstatic grin on her expression as they arrive into the darkness of the viewing room.

It’s clear that the movie they had chosen isn’t the most popular choice when they realize that it’s only five minutes before the showing is set to start yet they’re the only individuals in the room.

Something about it makes them all laugh and Jongin convinces the two females to hide with him in order to scare the others (namely Baekhyun) once they arrive with the snacks.

They know that they’re more than successful when the older male screams like a three-year-old girl and nearly drops his tray of soft drinks.

(He almost dumps an entire cup of coke over the younger man’s head as revenge, but another boy – Sehun? – stops him with a laugh. “Hyung, you do remember that you spent the last of your pocket money on that drink, right?”)

It’s clear that Baekhyun isn’t all too angry when he slings his arm around Jongin’s shoulder after hitting his neck. “Come now, Jonginnie. Sit next to Hyung. Hyung will make sure that you’ll enjoy the movie.” The words are spoken with a devilish sort of tone, making the younger student flinch at the touch. Of course, he can do nothing but allow himself to get dragged towards a particular row of seats by the older male, whining all the way.

Soojung starts to follow after him – still intrigued by the reaction she received from their brief interaction earlier in the day and amused by the man’s dorky personality – but Amber cuts her off suddenly with a playful smirk. “Don’t be silly. Let Jinri go in first.”

The words confuse Soojung, so she turns to the other female, who’s giggling embarrassedly. “There’s no need for that, Hyung,” she teases.

Sehun, overhearing their conversation, laughs as well. “Yeah, Hyung,” he jokes, “Maybe Jinri isn’t the mood to sit with her boyfriend. I think that she’s finally fallen for my manly charm, you know?” The young man proceeds to pull Jinri – who’s still laughing at the whole situation – towards his chest with his right arm, before raising his eyebrows suggestively. “I think that she wants some new eyecandy. Right, Ri?”

“Oh, definitely.”

“Hey!” Jongin calls, pout on his features as he pats the seat beside him, “Get your asses over here, the movie’s about to start. And Sehun! Will you please stop harassing my girlfriend?”

At his words, both Jinri and Sehun erupt into more laughter, before following one another into the selected row – Jinri beside Jongin, Sehun beside Jinri. Amber looks like she’s about to follow suit, but after a quick glance at their newest addition to their group of friends, a line of worry creases her features. “Are you alright?”

Soojung parts her lips to answer, but something inside her chest feels tad bit off and she finds that no words come out of her open mouth. However, the questioning gaze on the other woman’s features is beginning to look judgmental, and so without thinking, Soojung quietly whispers, “Girlfriend?”

If Amber is suspicious of anything, she doesn’t let on. “Yeah, Jinri and Jongin have been together for a while. A little over two years, I think?”

Soojung feels her body go rigid.

(No, no. That’s not right. Jongin’s not his real name. He’s a liar, a liar. Can’t you remember your past with him Soojung?)

Yes, yes. That’s right. You’re right. He’s not Jongin, he’s –

“Oh, that’s cute,” Krystal covers smoothly, “I wouldn’t have expected it though. Jongin seems a little…”

It seems that Amber feels that she knows where Krystal is headed, as she responds with a light laugh, “I know what you mean.”

(If only you did.)

---

After the movie ends and they get off the bus, the group walks Soojung back to her sister’s flat.

“Hey, are you okay? You haven’t spoken a word since we left the theatre,” Jinri points out, genuine concern laced onto her features. When the younger girl doesn’t react at all, she decides to joke, “I know that the movie was absolutely horrid, but the guys still seemed to enjoy it. Jongin’s taste isn’t that bad, right?”

Soojung makes no move to answer her question, forcing Jinri’s lips into a thin line of silence.

Perhaps she intended to try her luck again, but they arrive at Soojung’s home much too soon, so her question is never answered.

(If you want my honest opinion, his taste is absolutely horrible.)

---

Sooyeon doesn’t answer the door, so her younger sister has to resort to using the spare set of keys hidden underneath their doormat.

When she enters the flat, all she hears are the high-pitched sobs of her wailing sister.

She darts to the older woman’s side, pure confusion in her eyes.

For a few moments, there’s nothing but the sound of her sister’s cries piercing the emptiness of the air. But eventually, Sooyeon composes herself enough to look at the younger girl and whisper, “Soojung, our parents are dead. I-I just got the call. The police suspect foul play.”

Soojung’s entire body freezes up and it isn’t long until her own tears join her sister’s on the wooden floor.

---

A piece of her dies that night.

---

Days turn into weeks which turn into months.

Krystal allows a careful smile because somewhere between here and there, Soojung’s lost all capability of emotion. She continues on with her life in a doll-like state: wishing, wanting, willing herself to move forward, but to no avail. All she has left are the miniature hopes that her heart has managed to retain its grasp to, but how long can something as fragile as her soul hold onto something as transparent as wisps of smoke? There’s something wrong, she can sense it. She knows that there’s something wrong but when light shines through to her despite the darkness of the world around her, it gives her the sort of hope that occurs only in books and movies and fairy tales.

It would be stupid for her to put everything that she has left into something as ridiculous as a childhood dream, but Soojung has nothing else inspiring her to continue living out her life.

She’s scared. She’s so scared and there’s no one to help her and that makes everything even worse.

(It’s okay, Soojung. You still have me. No matter what happens, you’ll always have me looking out for you. I promise.)

Soojung clutches at her chest, desperately trying to find the beating of her heart but finds herself unable to do so. Her breaths become labored and she allows herself to slowly slide down the door of her room as everything begins to spin.

Sooyeon. Where’s Sooyeon?

(She’s not here when you need her. She’s never here when you need her. Neither were your parents. Is living a life without them really that different from living life with them? Get over yourself, Soojung. You’re just being dramatic again.)

Right. You’re right. You’re always right.

(Of course I am. Instead of mourning the loss of the people that never truly looked out for you, shouldn’t you spend your time trying to straighten out the relationships you have with the people who are willing to help you out?)

What do you mean? The kids at school? Jinri seems nice. She always goes out of her way now to make sure that I’m okay, but I never do anything in order to pay her back.

There is a pause.

That makes me a bad person, doesn’t it?

(No, no. Of course not. You could never be a bad person, Soojung. Your heart is too pure for that. There are other people too, you know. Like –)

Jongin.

(Yes. Like Jongin. Don’t you remember him, Soojung? Don’t you remember dear Jongin?)

Soojung loses herself to the tears once more, sobs echoing throughout the silence of her empty room. Because of course she remembers Jongin. Except in her memories, Jongin isn’t Jongin. Because in all reality, Jongin is not Jongin. Jongin has the same smile as him and the same personality as him and the same, gentle heart as him because Jongin is him. And it makes Soojung want to scream because why doesn’t he remember her? After everything he had done to her, why can’t her recall how important he is to her?

(It’s alright, Soojung. Unnie has it all figured out.)

---

The next day at school, Krystal is all smiles. Seeing this makes Jinri beam, as she had been going on and on about how worried she was starting to become, but Krystal can honestly care less about what the older woman thinks of her.

When lunch arrives, she doesn’t bother waiting for the familiar brunette so that they can interlock their arms and make their way to the cafeteria together. No, no. There’s no time for that.

Instead, she easily makes her way through the crowd and towards their usual table where a certain Kim Jongin is already sitting, laughing at some ridiculous joke he’s just told while the others already gathered around him look at the young man as though he’s an idiot.

Out of the few students congregated at the table, he’s still the first to notice her. “Oh! Hey there, Krys.” He has that cheesy grin on his features, but it falters for a moment as he confusedly asks, “Where’s Ssul? Don’t you two usually walk together?”

“Jongin, do you remember me?”

The question leaves Soojung’s lips quickly and without a thought. It’s clear that her response has caught the young man offguard as he blinks a couple of times in confusion. “Well, of course I do. I see you every day, don’t I?”

His cheeky reply sends Sehun and Baekhyun chuckling, and Krystal has to clench her fists tightly together to keep herself from lashing out at them.

“No. I meant from before. Before I came to Korea. We knew each other before then. Don’t you remember?”

Realizing that she’s completely serious, the stupid grin wipes itself off Jongin’s features as his brows crease together. He tilts his head to the side for a moment in thought before careful saying, “No, I don’t. I’ve never left Korea before, Krys. That’s impossible.”

His words, though honest, make something crack inside Soojung’s heart.

(What a liar. Don’t listen to him. He’s lying, Soojung. Jongin is a liar. You already know that.)

“Hey, Soojungie! Are you alright? You darted out of the hallway before I could catch up to you!” Jinri says with a light giggle, finally making her entrance to the lunch group. It only takes a moment for her to notice the awkward atmosphere that has developed between her young friend and her boyfriend, so she curiously asks, “Is everything okay here?”

There’s a beat of silence before Jongin pushes his seat away from the table and engulfs Jinri in a one-armed embrace. “Yeah, of course. Soojung and I were just clearing something up.”

She looks at him for a moment with a raised brow and he returns the look by suggestively raising both of his brows, and it sends the couple into a small giggling fit.

It doesn't make sense. He doesn't make sense.

Because he looks at her the way that she looks at him, and Krystal wants to laugh because she doesn't remember when he became such a liar.

(Typical Jongin. Always doing whatever it takes to bed his next target.)

Something stirs in Soojung once this realization hits her and she mumbles an excuse to quickly depart from the table. She feels a familiar sensation developing behind her eyes and a tremble in her lower lip, and because she knows what’s coming next, she quickens her pace.

She doesn’t know where she’s going, and Krystal supposes that it doesn’t matter all too much.

Because behind Soojung’s retreating form, she can still hear the worried whispers of Jinri: “Jongin, what on earth did you do? You know that she hasn’t been feeling well since… you know. She was just starting to get back to her old self again!”

“I-I really don’t know what I did,” he explains quickly, “I’m just as worried as you are. I’ll be back. I’ll go check up on her and make sure that she’s alright.”

As Soojung runs, Krystal hears the hurried steps coming up from behind her.

(Don’t worry, Soojungie. He’ll remember. We’ll make him remember.)

---

“Krys,” he calls, hurrying over to her hunched form as soon as he spots her in the abandoned hallway, “Krys, are you alright?”

When she doesn’t respond, he hurriedly crouches down in front of her slouched position against a row of lockers. Dark locks are shadowing her expression as she hugs her legs toward her chests, and at first, Jongin thinks that she might be crying, but he hears no sobs, so realizes that he must be wrong. “C’mon, Krys. I’m sorry if I came off as rude. I just… You know,” he hesitates for a moment, realizing that he has no idea what he’s going on about. “Thought you were joking,” he finishes lamely. It’s clear that he has no idea how to properly assuage the situation as he nervously scratches the area behind his ear with his index finger.

“Soojung, please.”

And it is this sentence that finally makes the petite brunette raise her head to look up at him.

Curious brown meets the other’s anxious eyes, and Jongin feels something in his chest tighten. Because this young woman in front of him just looks so vulnerable that it makes his heart crack in sympathy. Somewhere in the expanse that the light brown offers to him, he can see fear and stars and the trembling of willow trees in the wind and beyond all of that, beyond all of the apprehension and the panic, he sees a frightened little girl crying in a corner.

He doesn’t know how he sees it. Perhaps he doesn’t actually see it at all. Perhaps it’s all a figment of his imagination. Or perhaps it’s just what his heart is seeing, because sometimes, the heart is aware of more than what is considered physically possible.

Jongin doesn’t know. And frankly, he doesn’t really care either.

There’s just this surge of pity that gushes out from the very core of his being, and because he’s lanky and awkward and never knows how to fix people when they’re feeling down, he goes ahead and does whatever he does when Jinri’s feeling particularly sour.

He does his best to wrap his arms around the small frame before him, pulling her towards him and trying to pretend like he doesn’t feel completely uncomfortable with her knees digging into his chest. “Hey, it’s no big deal. I’m sorry for being rude. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

In all honesty, Jongin isn’t exactly sure what it was that he had said that had hurt her feelings. If she didn’t look so broken, then he would’ve thought that she was being a tad bit overdramatic. But of course, Jongin is the type of man that can only focus on one thing at a time.

So when he pulls away from the hug to shoot her an encouraging grin, he’s startled to realize that Krystal has risen to her knees and has followed his pull.

And he still isn’t sure what’s happening, but suddenly, Krystal’s lips are on his.

The action does more than just startle Jongin. It sends his mind into a frenzy because no, no, no, this is absolutely wrong – these lips aren’t Jinri’s – and this really shouldn’t be happening to him right now because all he really wanted to do was cheer a girl up after he sent her running. And despite the fact that Krystal’s lips really know how to kiss a guy, Jongin finds that he’s not enjoying the kiss at all because he’s absolutely mortified at what’s happening.

All of this clicks in his mind almost immediately so he quickly pushes Soojung off of him.

“W-What are you doing?”

She does nothing but stare at him with eyes that are almost wider than his.

Jongin touches his lips for a moment, chest heaving in confusion as he quickly scrambles away from the younger girl. “Tell me that that was an accident. Because that was an accident, right? Because you and Jinri seem pretty close and she seems to like you a lot and you definitely wouldn’t do something like this to her, right?” His mind is desperately trying to come up with a plausible conclusion without thinking negatively about the brunette, but he finds that it’s difficult to do so.

Especially when Krystal’s lips part and her tone is full of something that Jongin can’t exactly name when she says, “Stop playing games, Kai.”

Soojung imagines that something flashes in his eyes as his brows crease together.

“Who’s Kai? Soojung, are you feeling alright? You… You haven’t really been yourself today.”

And Soojung wants to ask him if he even knows what he means when he says that. Because she doesn’t even know who she truly is, so how is he supposed to know?

He’s left her so many times in the past. He waltzes in and breaks her heart and then disappears without a trace. So how could he possibly know? Because if it weren’t for him, then maybe Soojung wouldn’t be so broken. It’s his fault, really.

“You’re right. I think that maybe I’m sick.”

This response makes Jongin’s expression crack once more, and his shoulders slacken instantly as though her words have released a heavy burden off his back. He struggles to come up with the proper response, before lamely deciding on, “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’ll feel better soon.”

A painful silence lingers between the two until Soojung nervously continues in a trembling whisper, “That was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it. Jinri does a lot for me. I would never do something like that to her.”

The words seem to ease Jongin further, and he shoots her a small smile, “That’s good to hear.”

(She might not. But maybe I will.)

---

Later, Jinri nervously approaches Soojung and tells her that Jongin told her of everything that had happened.

It’s clear that she’s uncomfortable as she proceeds to ask for an explanation of sorts because she insists that she wants to hear both sides of the story. “Jongin says that it was all an accident, but…” she hesitates for a moment, before finally managing, “But if it wasn’t, I want to hear it from you. I won’t be angry because I like to think that our friendship means more than that. I just want to know the truth, Soojungie.”

The words touch Soojung in an odd sort of way, but they do nothing more than make Krystal scoff.

“Do you want the whole truth? Because I think that if I tell you it would jeopardize everything that the two of you have together.”

And this response makes Jinri widen her eyes as she uncertainly assures Krystal that she wants to hear it all.

With a hidden smirk, the younger woman unwinds the long, forgotten tale of a Korean-American boy who went by the name Kai. She recounts how he was a kindhearted young man that charmed everyone with his awkward smile and lovable personality. How he used that all to his advantage to become a player that used his high school classmates to alleviate all his ual needs. How she, herself, was a victim of this notorious badboy.

How the man’s true name was Kim Jongin.

Jinri looks stunned. But Krystal speaks with such emotion through the mouth of a distressed Soojung, and it’s hard not to believe the lies that are spilling forth through her tainted lips.

---

The two break up a few weeks later, Jinri’s excuse being that she thinks they need some time apart for a while because she’s feeling very confused.

Jongin’s at a loss for words and can do nothing but blame himself for everything that he had done that could have possibly led to this and everything that he hadn’t done that could have prevented it. He walks through the hallways with a broken expression, the slouch in his shoulders making him look smaller than her really is. His cheesy jokes have stopped bringing laughter to others because he no longer tells them and his smile – when he does smile – looks weak and strained and makes it seem as though he’s truly going to fall apart at any moment.

And everyone – Soojung included – can do nothing but worry about the young man because it seems as though he’s not willing to let anyone in. But if you keep all of your pain to yourself, then is it truly possible for anyone to heal?

(No, probably not. But it’s always easier to work with those who are already broken.)

---

“I don’t understand, Sehun,” he whispers one day after school when the hallways have cleared out. “I thought that everything was fine between the two of us. Where did I go wrong?”

There is a short pause as the younger man quietly stares at Jongin, mind silently racing with everything from pity to sadness. He eventually sits himself on the dirty school tiles next to his best friend. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jongin. There’s nothing that you could have done differently.”

The words are blunt and it’s their straightforwardness that makes them sound harsh. But despite the way the sentence makes Jongin cringe, they’re full of nothing but truth. And perhaps Jongin knows that – deep, deep inside his heart, of course – but just can’t bring himself to admit it.

“That’s stupid. There must’ve been something,” he insists, eyes glazed over the way that they do whenever he finds himself deep in thought. “What do you think was her breaking point?”

Sehun allows himself a soft sigh. “Jongin, I know what you’re thinking. And no, there’s no way that she would’ve broken up with you just because of Soojung.”

“Krystal,” the older man finds himself halfheartedly correcting, “She likes being called Krystal.”

Sehun blinks at him for a moment and looks as though he’s going to comment on his words. However, he decides against it and continues with his story. “I can see why you want to blame it on what happened with you and Soojung that one time,” Sehun pauses for a moment to note the way that Jongin visibly flinches, “But I’m sure that that couldn’t have been what threw Jinri off. Girls really do appreciate honesty, you know? Besides, if Soojung had anything to do with it, I doubt that Jinri would still dote on her as much as she does. And she doesn’t seem angry towards you, right? Just distant. That definitely means something.”

Jongin bites his lip for a moment before releasing the breath that he hadn’t even realized he was holding. “I suppose that’s true. I just… I love her, Sehun.”

And the way that his voice cracks as he says those words is enough to send Sehun’s mind into a sympathetic fit because this is his best friend and this is the kid that cheers him up whenever he’s down and having the tables turned so suddenly is more than enough to catch him offguard.

“I really care for her, Sehun. And I know that this is just high school and that usually romances like this don’t mean anything – but no; that can’t be true. Because I love her so much and I don’t know what I did wrong. All of a sudden, she can’t even look me in the eyes or brush past my shoulder and I don’t know why. And I think that that’s the worse part of it all. I don’t know why.” There is another pause until he whispers, “Sehun. Sehun, I love her and I never even told her.”

The young man pulls his friend into a reassuring hug in an attempt to stop his tears, “Jongin, it’s okay. It’s alright. Everything will work out. If it was meant to be, then the two of you will get back together in no time.”

But the words aren’t enough to satiate Jongin. “D-Do you think… Do you think that if I tell her, it’ll be enough? If I tell her how much she really means to me, will it change anything?”

And Sehun honestly doesn’t know how to answer that, so he doesn’t. Because he’s known Jongin long enough to know that when he’s thinking about something this hard, his mind darts back and forth at a pace that is impossible to keep up with. He knows that – despite Jongin’s failing grade in math – his friend is one of the most intelligent people he’s ever met. Grades are one thing, but the way that one’s thought processes work is another. With Jongin, his thought processes are something that aren’t meant for anyone but him to be able to follow, so Sehun sees no point in trying.

After a few minutes of silence, Jongin sniffles quietly and pulls away from Sehun’s embrace. He can’t really meet the eyes of the other as he mumbles his next words, “Thank you, Sehun. I don’t know what I would do without you.” The younger man smiles, but doesn’t get the opportunity to speak. “Sehun, you’re the best friend that anybody could ever hope to have. And I’m so lucky to have you. I know that you don’t really like talking about gushy stuff like this, but just… Thank you so much for listening to me.” He hesitantly brings his eyes upward to stare into the other man’s as he finishes, “It sounds stupid, but right now, you’re all I have. My life revolves around making Jinri as happy as I possibly can and spending my time with the best friend that I could ever have. The two of you are all I really have, and I –“ I really don’t know what I would do without you.

It’s clear that he can’t properly find the words to express himself, so Sehun allows himself to interrupt, “It’s okay, Jongin. I understand. It’s okay.”

These words make Jongin’s lower lip tremble once more, and suddenly he’s all tears again.

Sehun chuckles as he rubs his friend’s back reassuringly, “You’ve always been such a baby.”

Though it’s simple, it’s enough to get a chuckle out of the older man, who halfheartedly tries to shove the brunet away from him. “You .”

“Yeah, I know. And I also know that I won’t be leaving anytime soon. So you don’t have to cry anymore.”

Jongin manages to shoot Sehun a teary smile – the most genuine one that his friend has seen in a while.

A shadow shifts in the darkness – not that the two students notice, of course – before promptly turning to leave the building.

(Once something breaks, it’s impossible to put it back together.)

---

Just as Sehun had predicted, Jinri and Jongin get back together after two and a half weeks of being apart.

---

When you’re thousands and thousands of miles up in the sky, it only takes the smallest of missteps to send you plummeting to the ground. The breath hitches in your throat while your heart lurches in your chest and you blink in shock because everything had been fine until that very second. Your mind scrambles for some sort of solution, but by the time it finally creates one (that is, if it creates one), it’s too late. You find yourself on the ground: bones broken, eyes lifeless, and soul absolutely empty.

Rain falls, leaves fall, and so do people.

Jung Soojung is no exception to this rule.

But what’s funny is the delusion of falling: the delusion of a fairy tale that is full of nothing but happy endings and caring smiles and true love.

Because whenever Soojung begins to fall, she somehow always manages to land on another floating platform. Always back to where she had started at the very beginning of her journey. And every time, she tries to choose her steps cautiously because she’s already experienced the fear of falling one too many times and she’s absolutely scared to fall. But every time, she loses her step and her center of gravity shifts, and she should be dead, but she never actually is. She can’t die. Because Soojung likes to think that she’s not even real. So is it possible for a mere figment of reality to plummet to an untimely demise?

No. Probably not.

Soojung likes to think of herself as a tortured princess in a fairy tale: suffering at the hands of a dreaded curse that includes nothing but falling, falling, falling and never being able to achieve the spiritual release that death has to offer her. And just like in every fairy tale, she likes to imagine that once she hits a certain point in her life, she’ll be rescued. One day, while she’s falling, a handsome young man on a beautiful white horse will rush onto the scene to catch her before she’s forced to restart the horrid cycle. He’ll treat her like a delicate flower as he carefully pulls her to his chest whispering, “You’re safe now, you’re safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you like this ever again. You’re safe. I’ll protect you.” And then they spend the rest of their lives in each other’s company, picking flowers and dancing at extravagant balls and caressing each other in the protective shadow that the night provides, murmuring, “I love you” and “Please, please, don’t ever let me go” until the sun rises once more. Living in a word of promised infinities and sworn vows of dedication.

The problem with Soojung is that she’s met this prince of hers in a strange void in-between the world of her dreams and the world of pure reality. He’s tall, tan and muscular, with an innocent smile that is enough to make everyone stop and look. He has a certain humble charm about him that isn’t a quality found in many young people of the day, and his hands hold eternity within them.

And he’s the reason that Soojung falls so often.

Because Soojung knows that he’s the prince, but he never seems to realize that she’s the princess.

So instead of racing to catch her as she falls, he continues to run past her, never stopping to even spare the falling girl a second glance.

So Soojung falls and falls in a world of her own creation while her prince continues to cause her more and more suffering.

(Prince Kai never seems to care.)

The young woman whimpers in her slumber.

Because she’d rather meet her doom through a bullet to the head or freeze to death in a frozen tundra or burn in the fires of Hell than fall again.

But she’s already taken the wrong step.

So there’s no going back.

---

When Soojung goes to school the next day, Jongin is a mess.

Jinri and Sehun have gone missing.

Soojung is shocked and feels the tears rushing down her face before her mind fully registers it.

Krystal gives him a reassuring hug and promises to help him cope with this. She promises that the two will turn up soon and that they’re perfectly safe.

Jongin can do nothing but continue bawling into her shoulder as he thanks her for being there for him.

Krystal has always taken pride in her lying capabilities.

---

An announcement is released in the few days after their disappearance: Jinri and Sehun are dead. The police suspect foul play.

But no, they don’t just suspect foul play. They know that what has been done is nothing short of a horrendous murder on two young teenagers who were a mere week away from seeing their graduation ceremony. It’s hard to assume anything else when the two bodies were washed up in a river that was headed to the ocean, their corpses bound and gagged, cuts and burns marring their pale complexions, bruises making their faces almost unrecognizable, and a deep puncture in each of their chests to reveal a missing heart.

The murderer’s cautious care and the rushing water around them has eliminated any trace of fingerprints or DNA.

---

When Jongin hears the news, he faints.

And when he wakes up to find that it all wasn’t just some horrible nightmare, he can do nothing but sob.

He isolates himself for almost three months, not even caring that he’s just missed his high school graduation. Because what’s the use in celebrating the closing of one chapter and the beginning of the next when the author has decided to strip the main character of his only reasons for living?

---

It’s Soojung who carefully coaxes Jongin from the fragile safety that his bedroom provides.

His parents aren’t really sure who she is, so they’re a bit tentative when they grant her permission into their house with a basket of homemade cookies and a somber expression on her features. But at this point, they’re desperate for their son to be saved and the expensive therapeutic sessions clearly aren’t working.

At this point, it’s pure desperation that is on Krystal’s side.

It takes over a month to convince Jongin that maybe it’s time that he’s moved on.

“No, I’m not ‘moving on.’ I’ll never move on. Something like this isn’t something that you just put behind you.”

But he allows Krystal to take his hand and guide him towards the park.

The sun is shining and there’s a faint breeze rustling the trees.

Today marks the five month anniversary of Jinri and Sehun’s deaths. It’s an unspoken statement that they’re both aware of but refuse to address.

---

Meeting at that certain bench in the middle of the park becomes a daily habit between the two. Every day at four-thirty in the afternoon, they’ll make their separate ways to the location before sitting beside one another in silence.

Always in silence.

Because whenever they meet with one another, Jongin’s eyes are never focused. Whenever they meet, Jongin can do nothing but think. He reminisces all of his memories with his dearly departed or laments everything that they could’ve done together but didn’t or thinks about how bleak his future seems because at this point, his future seems almost nonexistent.

And it’s an unspoken rule that Soojung should say nothing either. There’s something in his glassy eyes that reminds her of a moment in a hallway that occurred centuries ago. And whenever she’s gifted with a short glance from the older man, she can see fear and stars and the trembling of willow trees in the wind and beyond all of that, beyond all the tiredness and loss, she sees a little boy clawing at a dark curtain separating him from what – no, who – he loves most.

It does more than just hurt her.

It shatters whatever is left of her being until it becomes absolutely nothing. Because Soojung no longer exists: she’s been swept away by the midsummer breeze as nothing more than dust in the wind. She’s been cursed since birth to live in a horrid fairy tale that she can never escape because all those sayings about how the individual writes his own destiny is nothing but a lie, lie, lie.

It hurts that she had to find out this way, but perhaps it was just inevitable.

Her prince will never love her. He was never meant to love her. He was never her prince.

So Soojung will continue living her life falling, falling, falling because the man that she wants to catch her never will.

And she refuses to give anyone else the chance.

Because even if Jongin wants to love her back, Soojung is long dead and Krystal never truly existed in the first place. All that sits at his side is an empty, empty shell of a young girl whose eternity ended before it even began.