It didn’t come to me as a surprise. Although I did fervently hope it wasn’t true. I have always had my sights set on her. I guess she thought it was a joke for me. It was never like that. I admire her from the very beginning. And before I knew it, thoughts of her always filled my head. She was my muse.

The first day I met her. I thought to myself, what a beautiful girl. Every single one of us thought that, I guess. Then she was introduced to us and we were brought to reality by an unexpected truth. She was not a kid. She was a woman trapped in a teenager’s body with an angelic face.

She was an actress from the Philippines and from what I heard she was quite popular there but it’s her dream to be a singer, an idol in her own country to be exact and she left everything behind for that dream. She automatically earned my respect.

We were in training together. Our group debuted first and had our own shot at success. I bet popularity wasn’t at all a stranger to her. She was already a star back where she came from. She was serious about her craft. She always found fault in herself and she always work extra hard for what she felt she lacked in talent she paid off with hard work. She could have been given an early break if she agreed to take in movie and TV roles but she opted to be an idol instead. Her dedication was admirable, she was inspiring.

Our group became famous and she was still in training. I have noticed though how she observes each and every one of us and how she perks up when one of us takes on the stage. I know, because I have been watching her. It wasn’t really rocket science. I figured hyung was the best looking in our group not to mention he has mad rapping skills. I kind of knew who she likes from the very beginning. But I hoped that maybe if I play my cards right she would look my way.

Her first MV was for Gummy-noona. I knew she would do great she was an actress after all. I was secretly hoping I can get the male lead although I wasn’t even the resident actor in our group. It came to me as no surprise that once again hyung got the part. He was once again taking the lead and the thing is he wasn’t even competing. How I envied him for getting that chance to be in that video with her. Their video was a success and there were a lot of buzz about them looking good together. I can’t say I don’t agree but I can’t help feeling that pang of jealousy inside me. Top-hyung was once again a step ahead of me.

Months after their video there were rumors that she will be part of 19 the movie that Top-hyung and Seungri, our group’s maknae would be starring in. She seemed pretty excited until at the last minute there was a change of plans. They got someone else to play her part. The part I heard she already studied the lines for. She was upset from what I’ve heard and I also accidently saw Top-hyung comforting her after. Once again it was him staying by her side not me.