Jongin wakes up with the new month. September hands its crown over to October before fading away quietly.

He watches the sunrise, and it is beautiful. But not even the vibrant colors can distract him from thinking about Kyungsoo and how there is even more beauty in his shy smiles.

There’s no reason why Jongin woke up so early. It’s getting harder for him to go to bed and stay asleep  without waking up at an ungodly hour, so there’s always a bottle of sleeping pills on his desk. He must’ve forgotten to take some last night.

Sighing, Jongin slides the glass doors of the balcony open and steps back inside. He should eat breakfast now before he goes to work in that stuffy office but he doesn’t have an appetite. Jongin’s getting a lot skinnier now, just like Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo.

The last time Jongin saw him, at the cafe, he looked gaunt and sickly. Is Kyungsoo taking care of himself? Where did he move to? Is he eating alright? Does he have someone else?

There’s so much Jongin wants to talk about. Even if Kyungsoo doesn’t want to be with him, Jongin thinks it would be alright just being friends (even though his heart breaks at the thought). At least they would be able to chat with each other, and maybe, Jongin will be able to compensate for the terrible things he said when they broke up. And then they can get back together.

He’s still holding onto hope that they’ll be able to call each other lovers again, but it’s hard- especially when Sehun tells him that Kyungsoo doesn’t want to talk to him, or when Jongin finds out that Kyungsoo changed his number. It’s hard, and it might take a while, but Kyungsoo is all he has.

“I think you should tell him, hyung.”

Kyungsoo blinks and turns towards the door.

Chanyeol strides to the bed and grabs Kyungsoo’s hands. “Hyung, you should tell Jongin about your sickness. Even though it might hurt him even more in the end, at least he would’ve spent the rest of your remaining time with you. And isn’t that what’s important?”

The older man sighs and withdraws his hands from Chanyeol’s loose grip. “Maybe. Maybe it’s the right choice. But death… wounds people. It hurts more than thinking your lover ran away from you, it creates a scar worse than any failed relationship, no matter how deep the bond was. I’d rather let Jongin think that I don’t want to be with him anymore than tell him I’m going to die and expect everything to be all fine even though I’ll be gone in November. That’s selfish.”

“You’re being selfish both ways!” Chanyeol cries. “You’re never going to talk to him again and die quietly, or you’re going to die in his arms. It’s selfish of you, but I’m sure that Jongin wants to be selfish, too. He wants to be with you until the very end. You need to tell him.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes flicker, and Chanyeol can almost see the indecision curling its fingers around his tongue. But it fades and Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No,” he says. “Please.”

So all Chanyeol can do is sigh and let the matter go.

It’s not even the middle of October yet but there are children dragging parents into store after store, searching for the prettiest or scariest Halloween costumes. Racks of witch hats, hockey masks, and fairy wands are abundant in every shop and Jongin chuckles when he notices an entire shelf dedicated to costumes just for dogs.

He remembers staying over at Chanyeol’s house on Halloween night, waiting with Kyungsoo at the front door with a huge plastic bowl of Twix for every ghost or princess who rang the bell.

He remembers how Kyungsoo’s smile never left his face as he complimented costumes and held out the bowl and how, just before they went to sleep together in the spare bedroom, the older man would whisper “Jongin, I want to have kids”.

That was their plan- to get married, move into an actual house and adopt one boy and one girl. They would lead a happy life hand in hand.

Jongin sighs and walks out of the store. What if we don’t get our happy ending?

“Does he really not want to see me?”

“He does,” Sehun assures. “He really does.”

Jongin rubs his temple in agitation. “Then why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Why did he change his number?”

There’s a sinking feeling in Sehun’s gut. He can’t exactly tell him the truth- that Kyungsoo is dying, that the hospital took away his phone.

“He’s just…” Sehun struggles to find the words. “Hyung is just… really tired. He’s dealing with a lot of right now. But he really does miss you! Kyungsoo still loves you.”

“Yeah, but he’s not letting me love him,” Jongin replies, frustrated. “You said he’s going through a lot of and even though I might not be able to help him, I still want to support Kyungsoo in any way I can.” He uses both hands to ruffle his hair angrily. “But he doesn’t want me.”

“He does want you,” Sehun counters.

“Yeah right,” Jongin scoffs, but he sounds tired, so tired. “We both love each other. Kyungsoo forgave me. And you said he’s hurting, but why won’t he let me help him? Why won’t Kyungsoo share his pain?”

Silence settles in the air like humidity before a storm. And Sehun’s voice cutting through it is the first of many raindrops.

“Because he loves you too much. Kyungsoo doesn’t want his pain to break you like it has broken him.”

October 21 is the day that Kyungsoo forgets everyone and everything for good.

Everyone, and everything, except Kim Jongin.

“Let me see him!” he screams as doctors try to restrain him. “I want Jongin!”

Sehun watches through his tears as Kyungsoo is sedated and goes limp in Chanyeol’s arms. He knows that another day will come like this, but when Kyungsoo’s eyes close as he sleeps, he won’t ever wake up.

“How the did he escape from his room,” Chanyeol demands as three nurses and several other attendants tremble before the furious young doctor.

“W-we don’t know, sir, Amber just went in to check on him and saw that he was missing along with a few clothes from his drawer.”

“Why didn’t anyone stop him when he walked outside?” Chanyeol questions, eyeing the shivering security guards.

Amber speaks up, “Sir, he was wearing normal clothes and he wasn’t attached to an IV. Forgive us if it didn’t look suspicious.”

Chanyeol sighs and leans his forehead on his folded hands. “Go to the police and tell them what happened. Here’s a picture of Kyungsoo they can use to track him down.”

Amber nods, takes the photo, and leaves. The others in the room disperse- one leaving with Amber and the rest back to their duties.

An attendant steps up to Chanyeol’s desk nervously. “Yes?” he says.

“Sir, I was just… wondering… where do you think Do Kyungsoo is going?” she asks in a soft voice.

His eyes fall upon a picture on his desk- Jongin giving Kyungsoo a piggyback ride, laughing his head off while the older man blushes.

“He’s going to find someone, that idiot.”

Kyungsoo has been running for maybe forty minutes now. His head aches and his stomach is churning strangely and he knows this is a bad idea but the people at that place are mean. They want to hurt him and they want to stop him from trying to find Jongin.

The thing is, he doesn’t exactly know where Jongin lives. Kyungsoo scratches his head and berates himself. He should’ve planned this out.

He keeps running, but the sun is setting and he doesn’t have a place to stay.

Dammit, I should’ve waited until morning. Oh well, I’m already here.

Kyungsoo wanders through an unfamiliar city when he feels something wet on his nose. He looks up and notices the dark clouds, and curses. Rain suddenly pours down, almost drenching him completely, and Kyungsoo ducks into the first building he sees: CHANG DANCE STUDIO.

Shivering and soaked, he walks aimlessly down the hall and into the first room he sees. It’s bright with numerous lightbulbs on the ceiling, clean white walls, and polished wooden floors. There’s a black box to his left that looks kind of like a huge radio, and it’s blasting music with the bass vibrating the whole entire room.

Kyungsoo watches in awe as a man wearing a dark grey hoodie, a black wifebeater, and loose black sweatpants move fluidly to the beat. A word for the motions float to his mind and he blurts it out: “Dancing!”

The dancer looks up at the sudden sound and his pale face somehow pales even more. “Kyungsoo? What are you doing here?”

The shorter man just blinks.

“Oh god, this is bad, how the did you leave the hospital? This isn’t safe, and Jongin’s going to be here soon,” the blond man mutters.

Kyungsoo lights up at the name. “Jongin? Kim Jongin? Do you know him? You see, I had to run away from the hospital to find him but I don’t know where he lives- ah, excuse my bad manners.” He holds out his hand. “Do Kyungsoo.”

The dancer shakes it. “I’m Oh Sehun and we need to get you out of here.”

A protesting Kyungsoo is shoved into a blue Honda Civic and he looks out of the back of the car as Sehun starts the engine. As the younger boy talks rapidly on his phone to let Chanyeol know that he's bringing Kyungsoo back to the hospital and the police should be notified, another car drives into the parking lot. It’s black, sleek, and shiny and an owner of equal groomed appearance steps out.

Sehun glances in the rearview mirror and steps harshly on the gas pedal, even though Kyungsoo begs to be let out.

Jongin takes off his sunglasses and watches, confused, as Sehun’s car pulls out of the parking lot. They’re supposed to practice together today, so why is he leaving?

Then he sees a pair of wide eyes staring at him from inside of the Civic. His breath hitches.

Kyungsoo’s watery gaze meets Jongin’s and he tries for a shaky smile and he mouths I love you.

The Civic disappears into the vast amount of cars dotting the road and Jongin falls to his knees.

His door is locked.

When Kyungsoo wants to go to the bathroom or get something to snack on, he has to press a button that alerts the nurses who will come into his room.

It was expected, of course, considering his little escapade two days ago.

Kyungsoo isn’t really that bothered about it. At least he got to see Jongin. And he’s pretty lucky that he’s not handcuffed to the bed.

Sehun and Chanyeol come in once in a while, usually everyday, to bring him journals to write and draw in and sneak him cookies. They tell Kyungsoo how Jongin is doing and talk about the little things that go on in their lives.

He knows he’s going to die soon- he has maybe three weeks left. But Kyungsoo isn’t afraid. He doesn’t have any regrets. Kyungsoo got to say goodbye to his friends, he’s able to talk to his mother (they cried over the phone together when he told her about his sickness), and most of all, Kyungsoo knows that Jongin is living a normal life. He’s dancing, which is his passion, and he’s certainly strong enough to move on.

So Kyungsoo smiles. He laughs at all of Chanyeol’s lame jokes and eats hospital food with enthusiasm. He sings loudly and admires the view from his window. Kyungsoo never stops talking and pretends his body isn’t aching and falling apart with every second that ticks by. He pretends that his heart doesn’t ache whenever he sees Chanyeol and Sehun leaning on each other and holding hands.

Maybe his happiness is all a mask, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to spend his final days with tears on his face, so he smiles until his cheeks hurt.

A/N: WOW SORRY FOR THIS LATE, TERRIBLE UPDATE UEDGFUWGFW

sigh i wanted to write more but you guys have waited for like ten days (orz my apologies), and i know how much it when you're subscribed to a fic and it neVER UPDATES so yeah here you guys go lol.

until next time~~

(p.s. oh look a tumblr: http://hoseokhateblog.tumblr.com/ clicky clicky)