July 15, 2013

Sunday

I was holding on to that moment when Lili came by. I don't know if it was real because after that, the next thing I remember was waking up in my bed. But I could careless. That's what keeping me grounded, thinking it was real.

Today is Lili’s cremation. It’s been a week since she’s been gone. It was hard. I keep on blaming myself. There was no day that I didn’t cry myself to sleep. Her parents went here in Korea and it was so hard to face them. The first day they went here… they were grieving. I was on my knees…

“I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. ” I sob as I was on my kneews

“Oh, Kris. Don’t blame yourself. It’s an accident…” Lili's mom cried.

“I failed to protect her, I’m so sorry. Kill me if you want. I’ll take anything. You can punish me, I’ll take it. Please… ”

Lili’s mom just hugged me. They didn’t blame me but I blamed myself. People come and go to grieve for her. My parents also came to Korea to comfort and also grieve for her.

“U-Unnie? Unnie?”

“J-Jaehyu?”

“Oppa… U-Unnie… W-what happened to her? You and Unnie still g-going to visit the orphanage with me, r-right?" the girl's voice quivers and broke into sobs

“I-I’m sorry, Jaehyu-ah. It’s my fault. Sorry… I'm so sorry…"

I cried harder when the girl hugged me and her hand my back. Jaehyu comforted me. She listened to my sobs. I told her what happened. I told her everything. What happened and how I feel. She’s Lili’s friend. Well, Lili treated her as a sister already and we both cried.

“Oppa… I know Unnie loves you so much. Please, don’t blame yourself. Don’t end your life here. Let her be the reason for you to live…”

Many people comforted me. They keep on making me strong that I shouldn’t give up. After she was cremated, her parents held her remains in a jar. Also today is… her Exhibit. We decided to continue her gallery in contribution of our lost. Her Gallery will be held in SNU’s Museum of Art. As I walk my way to the Museum… I looked at my clock. It’s 6:56 pm already. The exhibit will open any minute, now. As I entered the museum, fairy lights welcomed me. Her works shined infont of my eyes. I look at the wall in my right side.

Her portraits are all princes and princesses. As I looked through her paintings, I stopped in front of a frame.it doesn’t contains sketches or paintings… it’s a letter.

Fairytale.

One of my fantasies in my childhood is to have my own Fairytale.

Making my own story. My own happy ending but then I realize… it’s too early for an ending.

Searching and wanting my own Prince, A Prince that can save and protect me from anything.

My own Prince that will love me… Eternally. As I grew up, my mind changed… I just want to have my Nutcracker.

I don’t care whoever he is or what he is. The thing that matter is how he will love me and accept me.

Right now, I can say that I’m living my own Fairy tale.

-   Lili.

Eternally. I will love her eternally. Remembering her face, cause my heart to hurt. Don’t cry Kris, not now. I told to myself. Lili, do you hear me? I love you and I will love you eternally. I’ll be your nutcracker forever. I continue to walk her theme for her portraits has change. The paintings and sketches theme is nature. Breathtaking places take place in her portraits. My tears almost fell when a portrait showed a beach, a sunset reflected through the water. Two people hugging in front of the sunset…

“Kris! Thank you so much for bringing me here in the beach! I missed the sea breeze so much!”

“Anything for you.” I smile shyly.

“What time is it?”

“5:40pm. Uh… is there something you want to do here in the beach?”

“… yes. ”she smiled

“What is it?”

“Nevermind that. Why did you bring me here anyways?”

“Uh… i-i-it’s because… uhm.. I…I…” I stuttered finding the right words.

“Oh, The almighty Wu YiFan is stuttering? W-wait. You’re stuttering so it means… you’re nervous.” She laughed.

“It’s because… I… Do you remember the girl that I’ve been telling you about?”

“O-Oh. Ah! Y-Yes, I remember. Why? I-Is she here? ” Her smiled died down.

“I’m going to confess to her…”

“R-really? Ah. T-That’s great. I-I should go now, silly. She might see us.” she forced a smile and turned her back and slowly took her steps.

“Can you give me a last advice before I confess?” She stopped walking

“J-just tell her how you really l-love her. Tell how important she is and… I-If you… really love her, don’t let her go. I’ll go now. Goodluck.” by that she continued to walk. I run up to her and hugged her from behind.

“Lee ShinZao…”

“Y-yah, Wu YiFan—“

“I Love you!”

“W-Wu Yifan! This is not funny.” then I heard a sniff.

“Whatever you say, I won’t let you go. I love you… I love you so much. You’re important to me. I confessed to you because… I realized that I can’t take it, If I lose you. I-I want to hold you like this…”

Next thing I knew, she was crying. I spun her around to see her.

“Are you crying? Oh! Why are you crying tell me!? A-aish, what will I do? Uh… Please don’t cry now, tell me what’s wrong.”

“ Why wouldn’t I cry!? You told me that you’re going to confess to that… girl! Ofcourse I’ll cry! Cause I love you too!”

“Y-you what? And… you’re so naïve. It’s you! I’m telling about you every time I’ll tell you about that ‘girl’ that I like. Well, scratch that I mean… the girl I love. It’s always been you." I confessed and she hugged me tightly.

“I won’t let you go, you get that?” she threatened

“I’m okay with that.” I smiled and hugged her back.

“Does it mean… we’re official?” I asked then she nod.

“Yes and the thing I want to do here in the beach is… to watch the sunset with the one I love”

I closed my eyes to hold back the tears. I walk to the Grand Hall. Exotic paintings welcomed me.