Release
Regaining Sanity‘I like you.’ I replayed his words over in my head. I don’t know why you do. I’m a ‘freak’.. I have nothing to offer you.. I want your friendship but i’m scared.. that you will discover just how much of a ‘freak’ I really am. “I like you too.” my mouth wouldn’t let me say anything more and I turned to look back out the window, pressing my forehead against the glass. I felt his head move away from my shoulder and the empty pressure that was left made me feel.. different.
***
Walking down the busy streets of Seoul feels so different with someone beside me. I looked around and every one walking passed me.. I wonder if they can tell.. of what I have been through.. I wonder if they can tell.. that this is my first time in a long time.. that I am walking with someone beside me. Dongwoo jumps up and down beside me with amazement as we pass by shops and street vendors. His smile makes me smile.. even when I don’t see Cheongjuns along with it. I never know what to say, so I just laugh and listen to his words. In my head I have so much to say.. but none of the words go further than inside of my esophagus.
Cheongjun.. I see your face in his and it puts me.. in a state of melancholy. I see your smile when he smiles and it makes me feel both happy and guilty.
***
Dongwoos POV-
“I like you too.” his words made me smile. Hoya Hyung.. your ‘like’ is different than mine.. I can tell. Even though his meaning is different.. I still smile at the words.. even though his meaning is different, I am still satisfied. Hoya.. I want to know more about you. Hoya.. I want to know what makes you sad. Hoya.. I want to know what makes you happy. Hoya.. I want to know what’s in your mind. Hoya.. I want to make you happy.
***
Hoyas POV~
Dongwoo wanted to walk me home, but it was late and I didn’t want to bother him and make him go home to late. Walking back to my apartment alone tonight made me feel different.. it made me wish for another presence beside me.. it made me wish for Dongwoos presence.. but when I walked inside I feel an ambush of the knowledge that I am once again alone. Sometimes.. this feeling.. can grow old. I’m usually use to this.. but I don’t know why tonight.. it is overwhelming. I lay on my back on my squeaky bed as I stared at the wall, I eyes looked from each wall to the next. I swear.. I swear you are getting smaller. I looked at the blueish green couch on the opposite of the room.
***
-Flashback-
I was sitting on the couch and Cheongjun was laying down beside me with his head in my lap. I ran my hand through his hair as I stared down at him.. he was so beautiful.. everything about him.. his smile, his mind, his heart and even his pain. I bent my body down to kiss him. My necklace fell onto his forehead when I bent down and I guess the coldness of the silver made him flinch a little and was about to move away but I put my arm around him, and gently held his body down as I pressed my lips against his. He giggled through our lips as I intertwined my fingers with his. "Cheongjun.. I love you."
-End of Flashback-
***
I found myself shifting my body to the side staring at the couch. I pressed my head against the wet tear stained pillow. My body began to tremble as I let the delusion of you come to life.. and without warning my body grew into anxiety. I slowly lifted my shivering arm in front of me. I stared at the incisions along my arm and I placed to fingers on either side of one of the cuts.. and I slowly pulled.. I pulled until the pain was almost unbearable and the blood trickled out. At first I started to this because.. because I wanted to feel what he felt.. but then I did it because.. because for that one moment.. the physical pain over powers the mental pain.. and adds a slight bit of.. of release. I watched at the blood slowly dripped down my arm onto the bed, leaving small crimson stains. Cheongjun.. I’m so sorry..
I slid two pills on my tongue as I shifted my body back on my back. I stared at the ceiling.. waiting for the time released pills to invade my body.. and once they did I smirked at the easing sensation corsing through me. The ceiling began to look blurry and and everything around started to not want to stay still.. and I smiled.. because when nothing around me wants to stay still.. that is the only moment.. when my body and mind are.
***
Dongwoos POV~
I walked through my front door and saw my mom in the kitchen. I walked over to her and greeted her with a hug and kiss before sitting down in one of the tall kitchen chairs. “umma..” She looked up from the pot she was stirring. “ne?” I was hesitant to ask this question.. because I didn’t know how she would respond.. I was hesitant because.. I didn’t know how he would respond. “um.. can uh.. can I have a friend stay over tomorrow?” She didn’t answer for awhile she only continued to stir what ever she was cooking. After what seemed like forever she finally replied, “sure.” I jumped out of my seat and ran to give her a kiss on the cheek, “Thank you!” I said before I ran up to my room. I had a dumb goofy smile on my face but I didn’t care. I reached into my pocket and my fingers automatically entered in his number,
“Hoya~ Hyung~ do you want to stay over tomorrow?” I ran my hand through my hair as my nervous fingers hovered over the key pad waiting for his reply.. and once they felt the vibration in them they quickly opene the text,
"sure."
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