"Hahaha" Ryeowook snorted and choked on his own laughter.

I love seeing him this happy over the silliest things. We decided to watch a movie, just the two of us- a very rare occasion. I'm honestly not sure what it's really about, just a dumb American comedy cliché.

He looks up to me scolds me for finishing all of his popcorn, and this, this is why we even started this whole thing. When he is fun and carefree with nothing in the world bothering him. This is when we fit together.

That probably says a lot about me, I realise. Can I really expect him to always be perfect? Always smiling and pulling me in to his world of goodness and light when I've found out years ago that he has many shadows still chasing him?

It has been a week since I came drunk to Kyuhyungs room. (Again), we never talked about it, obviously. At times, I feel like we don’t need to- that thing between us, it was just the occasional slip-up, right? Absolutely no need to ever mention it.

So maybe I consciously choose to ignore the looks the maknae might be sending in my direction every once in a while. Maybe I've avoided sitting or standing next to Heechul in the past week, willing him to shut up and mind his own business. Maybe Ryeowook and I haven't gotten physical in ages and sometimes I kiss him just so I wouldn’t have to look into his eyes. God I'm an arsehole.

I used to think of Ryeowook as the love of my life. Now it surprises me I could even think of it in a past tense.

I remember him confessing to me as one of the highlights of my life- because of course he would, after giving up any hope that I will ever be brave enough to do it myself. And then, we were so happy! What the could have gone so wrong? Why was it suddenly so difficult simply to be together?

The worst part is, I can't blame it all on Sungmin either. He just wants to be there for Ryeowook in the way I never succeeded. We simply split up somehow, and I can't find a way around it.

It all goes back to him being a scared little boy, whose parents never really wanted.

Therefore, he had to be there for himself when they both worked late; he had to praise himself for learning the piano when they were not there to hear; he had to face and run from the bullies in his school by himself when no one noticed. He had to learn to shut up during dinners, and listen. Because no one sought to hear his voice.

He was loved, and they did do their best. Sometimes for a child their best simply isn’t enough.

And me? The useless, awkward, tact-less hyung that is me? I'm simply not enough to seal that gap that exists in him. I cannot bridge it with my bear will and love- no matter how hard I've tried.

Then there is Kyuhyun. Oh god, I cannot even explain that one to myself! I do not know if it’s the self-distract mechanism I have going on that keeps that happening. I know he is angry with Sungmin. His so-called boyfriend is spending his days and nights with Ryeowook so he lets out his frustration on me, I guess.

"Ya Kim Jongwoon, if you keep staring at me and missing all of the crucial parts I'm not rewinding this", Ryeowooks voice pulled me back to reality. I throw my arm around him and put on a smile when he lets his head rest on my shoulder.