Chapter 03

"Painkillers"

It had been about four days since the latter hasn't seen his partner, and he got worried. He wondered why she didn't come. Was it because she didn't want to see him? Or did she hurt herself? Did she catch a flu? He didn't know and he was dying to find out why. Hence, the young boy went to ask his homeroom teacher for Su Min's address with an excuse of wanting to give her her piling homework. It did work though, and soon enough he was on his way to her place.

He stared at the apartment in front of him, and entered soon enough. He reached her level and soon after, found her apartment. He knocked on the door and waited quite a bit before he heard the knob twist on the other side. The door slowly slid open and revealed a trembling, fearful girl. Su Min lowered her head and didn't dare to look at who it was.

"Y-yes?" She asked.

"Su Min?" Kai called, and soon enough she lifted her head, recognizing his warm voice. She gave out a sigh of relief and wondered what the boy was doing here. "Are you alright? You haven't been coming to school for days."

Su Min didn't reply to his question and just stared at the wall behind him, she couldn't even look him in the eye. Well, what was she supposed to say? That she couldn't go because her addiction for cutting had gotten worse? That she couldn't go because she was filled with scars and was afraid someone would find out? She couldn't tell him the truth, neither could she lie. So she kept quiet.

"I guess you don't want to talk about that too. I'll just assume you're sick then." He said with a sigh. "Oh, I came to give you your homework. There's alot so i need to explain to you some things, so you mind if i come in?" The older boldly asked and before Su Min could  reply, the excited boy barged in and explored her tiny apartment.

"Hey!" Su Min shouted.

"Woah, you're apartment is really tiny. Your parents are working?" Kai asked, while lifting his head to look around.

"They're dead." She replied coldly, not a hint of sadness of regret was heard by the other. 

"I'm.. Sorry" Kai shot his head back, feeling terribly horrible for bringing up the topic, but he questioned himself if there was a need to feel that way when he saw how her gaze was filled with every inch of coldness but not regret. 

He continued to stare at her, and the younger didn't feel that good with eyes on her. She could feel that feeling of anxiety in her again. She held her other hand and started to tug and pull the skin on it. With each pull, the force she exerted on herself became stronger and harder, and soon the blood reached her hands. She started to bit her already bleeding lips, and her gaze was everywhere on the floor but never on him. 

The older had realized how she kept fidgeting and shifted he gaze to her hands, and came to a shock when he saw how red her hands had become. The skin around her hand looked like it was going to tear any moment with her tugging. "Hey." He called and reached out to hold her hands.

He stopped her hands from twisting any further and looked up at her. He could see tears, he could feel her trembling hands, and he swore he could have heard a whimper from her. She was so fragile.

"Stop doing that. You're hurting yourself." He said and sighed. Kai was just about to release his grip on her, when he noticed the red on her wrists. He could already tell what it was, but he crossed his fingers hard and wished it wasn't what he thought it was. He pushed up her sleeves, faster than the girl could react, and watched as his eyes shot open.

Scars, slits, bruises and torn skin. Everything there spelled out self destruction to him. Then everything became clear to him. Why she was so quiet, why she cried, why she didn't want anyone. And he cursed himself for not knowing, for acting the way he did. 

The younger pulled her wrist away and pulled her sleeves back down. But it didn't help since the older wasn't going to back down on this. He took her wrists again and forcefully pushed up the cloth. "Why?" He questioned softly, making it only audible for her.  "What- Why did you hurt yourself?"

Su Min felt ashamed that someone had seen her scars, but she knew somewhere in her she was happy just a bit, that someone finally noticed her. But anxiety overwhelmed her, and her breath became uneven. The girl brushed past him and rushed over to her counter. She clumsily unscrewed a bottle and watched as the cap dropped with a clang. Su Min's hands trembled as she tried to spill the pills out. She popped a few in , she definitely needed more than one of those monsters to calm herself down. 

"Hey, are you alright?" Kai walked over to her, worried about her state.

Just when she was about to reply him, she felt something in , something was coming up. She coughed and coughed, trying to get it out, and after some time, she was on the floor letting blood escape as she coughed harder. She held her sick stomach and squeezed her eyes shut as she tasted the bitter taste of red in . 

"Hey! What's going on!" Kai asked in shock as he watched her fall with blood. He held her as she fell and watched her eyes draw, indicating that her body had lost control.

She was unconscious.

...

Her eyes awakened at the tingling touch of his fingers on her scars. She squinted her eyes to get a better glimpse of how is was, and realized it was Kai. She immediately shot up in a hurried attempt to hide her horrid scars. But the sudden action caused her head to react in a painful way. She let out a groan and clutched her hurting head.

“Don’t move around so much, you’re still weak. They said it was the pills.” He paused for a moment and stared at the arm that she was pathetically trying to hide from him.

Su Min’s heart stopped for a moment. Had he found out about the pills? She was praying he hadn’t. She hoped she was still clueless as to what she took.

“What exactly were those pills-”

 “Painkillers.” She lied. “My head was hurting.”

“Oh.” It was all he said before lowering his head. She guessed as much that he felt uncomfortable around her. Who would want to be around someone who cuts and is so queer? It wouldn’t actually be a surprise to her if he told her that she was disgusting and weird too.  But somehow, unlike every other time, this time it was harder to take it in.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on or whatever…” He stared into her eyes. She noticed how his eyes were so dark and bold. “But I want to help.”

She frowned. “Don’t. You don’t have to.”

“I don’t have to? You expect me to just walk away after what I saw? You don’t think I have a conscience that would eat me up if I just leave you like this after what I saw?”

Now Su Min was shocked.

Did he just say that? Sure, she’s depressed, she’s broken in every aspect. But never did she burden anyone into seeing her hideous scars. She had never done any of that sort.

“I said I don’t need it.” She manages to say through her croaking voice.

“I can’t just walk away. I saw you scars and you can’t just tell me to leave, I have a ing conscience.”

“I said-“

“No! Listen! You can’t just put me in this position and tell me to leave. Because of these scars, I have to take care of you, or I won’t be able to sleep.” He cut her off. “I don’t have time for this, I have my studies!”

Su Min eyes were filled with water. How? How could someone say something so cruel to her?

She wasn’t angry at the fact that he wasn’t willing to help her, but the fact that he was putting the blame on her. Like everything she was experiencing wasn’t already enough for her. He just had to put the blame on her.

“I have never put anyone in any position. It’s fine if you don’t help me, I’m telling you to leave now. Will that help you get rid of your ing conscience now?” She says, making it almost a whisper. “I don’t need anyone.”

She felt disappointed honestly. She thought Kai would be different, willing to help if he knew. But he was far different from what she expected.

In the end, she was still left with nobody to hold onto.

Kai looks at her. He noticed how she was crying. “Look, I’m sorry, alright? It’s just that I can’t leave you like this. What if you try to-“

“Kill myself?” Su Min made it easier for him by finishing his sentence for him. “I won’t. At least not for now.”

“Can you at least tell me why you, you know, cut?” Kai lifts up her arm up from below the covers and traces her scars once again. His face filled with horror and maybe disgust.

“Why would I tell you that?” Su Min watched him trace her marks of defeat.

“So I can help.” He moves his gaze to hers. Now she can see how sincere he is. Maybe... Just maybe, she could trust him.

“I’ll see you in school tomorrow.” It was all Su Min could say to him. She couldn’t have possibly explained what she was feeling. It was hard to, what more to a stranger? But the least she could do, was promise him that he’ll see her the next day.

“Promise me?” Kai stood up and held out his pinky.

Su Min unknowingly laughed at his actions. How childish of him. Then she realized she was smiling. Baek Su Min was actually laughing. Baek Su Min was actually feeling emotions, something that used to make every inch of her flesh crawl in disgust.

"I promise."

And it was all thanks to Kai.