“Bring me the ball!!!”

“If we don’t get that point, we’ll lose!!”

“DON’T KICK IT TO THE GOAL!!”

Another one violently screamed…  It was my coach.

They think I’ll fail…

I think I’ll fail too…

Damn.

***

My parents always tell me that I have to work hard and dedicate my life in everything I do…

And because of their loving words and wisdom, that’s all I’ve been doing for the past 17 years of living this life. If ever you ask me how come I haven’t ended my life yet, I’ve attempted a lot of times… It’s just that there’s always something that stops me. Like this thug in my heart and conscience that asks me, “Why would you leave this world? You haven’t fulfilled your duty yet.”

And that conscience is right, so I move on.
I’m a wallflower, if that’s not obvious; I don’t have someone to be with at school. During middle school, people bully me since I was different from the others. Even if I work hard and eventually reach the honor roll, they would just call me a geek.

High school life wasn’t as interesting either. Why? Because when I was at the age of 15, my parents died, and I almost did...

We were going home with the second hand car my dad bought with his first paycheck.

We were happy…

I was happy.

That same day, I won medals and not just from math contests but from soccer, a hobby that I found interest in. My parents were proud… I was proud, but happiness doesn’t last for awhile because challenges will eventually come your way when you’re at your best mood.

“See! I told you if you work hard, you’ll do fine!” My dad grinned.

“Dad and I are so proud of you, Jongin-ah!” My mom added.

For the first time, I felt delighted. I don’t usually smile or even laugh, but I was, because I love being with my family. I was so happy, that all I did was talk and talk and talk. The car was filled with joy and laughter because of my jokes and cheery stories…

But then, no one was paying attention to the road.

When my mom noticed someone crossing, she stuttered trying to tell my dad to stop. He wasn’t paying attention to what my mother was saying. Instead, he looked straight through my eyes.

“Keep fighting for life Jongin-ah.”

His eyes were filled with pride towards his son who never gave up once. Towards his son who blamed himself as the reason for the accident. Towards me, whose only purpose of living was to fight for his parents who told him to not quit at the middle of a game. Life is one challenging game.

ABOJI! LOOK AT THE ROAD! I was screaming in my head. I didn’t know what to do; everything just came by fast. And seconds later after that nightmare, was silence. Dead silence, until I opened my eyes to see crushed glass, screams of help and my parents unconscious.

I wanted to help them, but what can I do? I was only 15 years old. I was weak.
My brain hurt. My arms hurt.

My heart hurt.
 

Mom… Dad…

Why should I keep fighting? You told me to never give up but there’s nothing to live for anymore. Maybe grandma… Maybe I can live for her, but she’s strong enough without me.

I even told her what my dream was. When the two of you died, I cried and told her if I was old enough during that time, I could’ve saved the both of you. So maybe I really should keep fighting right? I’ll be a successful doctor one day and save millions of people as my debt to you. Then maybe when that day comes, I’ll be happy enough; I’ll be able to smile and I won’t have to think of ending my own life. You’ll be proud right? Right?