The Misanthropist

It all started just because he has nothing to do when holidays come.

It’s unusual thing for him, really, to just stay at home rolling over his bed over and over till the sheet is wrinkled and laid on the floor. He close his eyes as he turn his body over so he laid on his back and see the ceiling. He blows the air once, twice before he finally sighs and get into sit position and close his eyes slowly as he yawn with no sound. He opens his eyes.

It’s only ten in the morning and he hasn’t gets up from his bed even actually he already awake since the dawn but he won’t up from his bed. It’s Monday, but it’s middle of summer, there are no class at mid-summer. The sun would just sting up his skin if he put from his house when the day, and even inside his room in the dark, somehow he can feel the heat from outside because his air conditioner that broke since spring and makes him can’t feel the coldness from it even he already set it into the lowest temperature.

He’s grumbling to himself as he brings his feet down. He can’t remember how he could not take off his socks when he sleeps last night. He curves his lips a little before he walks outside from his bedroom toward the kitchen.

He lives alone. Well, he always want that since he’s senior high, because he thought about there is no point of living in the house where your parents is actually divorce and never home, so that’s why when he get into college about three years ago, he ask his parent permission to lives alone even actually his house is really close to the college where he goes to. His parents never ask why, and he never willing to explain either.

Lives alone mean he has to do anything alone. He’s kind of perfectionist guy that can’t stand a thing that not placed on it’s place. Perhaps he’s kind of OCD or something, but he always put his mind into a ‘neat obsession’ thing. He has this perfect classification of books in the shelves. He put it based on the genre, alphabet and color so it would make good view for him when he sit on the couch in his apartment while he watch the TV. He has these tiny little figurines of action figure on another shelve. He likes to play with them sometimes, making some imitate voice as he move the guys over the coffee table. He lives alone, and somehow, he’s lonely.

He rarely talks since he’s young. He would only talks if someone asks him something. He not even that closes to his parents since most of the time they would busy with their business or their new partner since divorce. At school, he prefers to sleep at recess or going into the empty space so he can has his time alone. He’s kind of misanthropy, it’s not because he’s believe, but that is the fact.

A cup of tea on his right hand while the left one is holding a plate with two slices of toast. He walks toward the couch in his living room and turn on the TV. The sound of the TV is fills up the room as he takes a sip of his tea slowly. Once or twice he would glance a little toward his bookshelves and admire his own work on arranging the book before he bites his toast. He still in the middle of his enjoyment of his breakfast when suddenly the bell rings.

He not moving from his seat, not willing at all to lift his lazy from the couch and keep looking at the screen like he watching it while for sure he’s not. The second rings can be heard. He still not willing to open the door, and take his toast instead. He chews it slowly and enjoying the melted butter that he put over it when the toast still hot. Minutes pass then there is no sounds anymore from the door. He smile a little to himself as he proud for what he done by not care about the rings, but then…

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING

He throws his toast away toward the Television when the bell suddenly rings without stops for a little while. He can see the half ate toast already laid on the carpet, he can deal with it later after he deals with this maniac in front of his door who still rings his bell. He stand right on the door and try to look who is the one that rings his bell from the hole, but then, it’s dark, the bell ringers must put a hand on the hole. He finally pissed.

“WHAT THE DAMN HELL!?”

He shout really hard when he open his front door like flash. He can hear his own voice through the hallway of the apartment, but that’s not the thing now, because he knows who is rings his bell. He’s lives across from his room with his best friend, well, ‘best friend’.

“Whoa, don’t shout like that Changmin-ah…” Jaejoong says as he smile politely as he hold up a box package on his hands “you know, Yunho is sleeping, and he’s a light sleeper.”

Changmin is not saying anything but showing his annoyed face. Jaejoong keep smile and not care to the younger’s expression, well, he already looking those face from Yunho most of the time. Jaejoong give the package to Changmin who receive it lazily. He also put bunches of envelopes over the box from his bag “I found this on the lobby, you know, you should check your mail daily Changmin-ah.”

Changmin still silence when Jaejoong already give him all the things. They stare into each other for a little while before Changmin simply turn his body toward his apartment and close the door right in front of Jaejoong face who try to follow him. He not even say thanks or something toward the older, but only leave inside and lock his door right away as a click sound can be heard clearly even from the outside. Jaejoong bite his bottom lips before he nods toward the closed green door and turn his heels and get into his own Apartment with Yunho across from Changmin.

Changmin bring the package into the living room. He put it on the coffee table with another bunch of letter that Jaejoong also gives him before. He sighs a little when he look at the package on the table, but he decide to clean up the toast from the floor first before open what is inside that box is. He turn’s back with a knice from the kitchen after clean up the dishes. He sit on the couch as he takes the box over his laps and cut of the tape with the knife. He put the knife on the table and try to look what is inside the box.

It are books, well, more like a biography books with colorful cover. He smile to himself when he look at those things that he just get. He orders these things like a week ago, or more for his new collection of his shelves. He put aside the box to the floor, he can check it later thought, and start to rearrange his bookshelves since the new books arrive. He starts to takes the envelopes on the table and read one by one from where the letter comes. Mostly all the letter is about bills. He almost put the envelopes back over the table when he realize there is this one envelopes that had a different color and writes on it. He takes the envelopes and flip the thing to see who is the sender.

Cho Kyuhyun

Sacred Heart Hospital, Seoul - 346xxx

Changmin raised one of his eyebrows when he looks at that. He never ever remembers if he has a friend named Cho Kyuhyun. Whether when he’s in college or school before, he flips the envelopes back to look at for whom this letter sent to, because perhaps it wasn’t for him. And then he knows it isn’t.

Changmin has this so many questions inside his head as he tear up a little the envelope on the corner before he use the knife on the table to rip the end of the envelope with it and look what is inside that thing. It’s only simple paper like another letter should be. It was ripped from notebook he supposed from how one of the side of the paper is show the ripped. He open the folded paper and read it slowly.

Hi there!

Call me creep, but yes, I just saying hi to you, well writes it, literally. Oh, by the way, my name is Cho Kyuhyun and I need someone to talk to. I doing chemotherapy right now, almost, I still waiting my turn thought about half hour from now.

Perhaps you wonder about who I am. Some random guy that never knows you either suddenly sent you a letter. It’s actually an idea from my doctor. He told me to tell to someone about what I’m going through, since I refuse to talk it with the hospital therapist about my sickness. I chose a random name with address from the yellow pages. I wrote this letter to you because I actually kind of hate people. Yeah, it’s odd, but then I don’t know, it just hard for me to believe people, even right now I’m in the hospital, a place where we should believe the doctor, but I’m not.

Yeah somehow I feel lonely sometimes, but then whenever I remember about how we gonna died in the end and leave nothing but wait until society forgot about us only makes me keep on my own. I’m back again to only trust myself only.

Well, I’m sorry honestly because I don’t understand why I talk such a thing to you. Maybe after read this you would laughs at my letter and put it away like an old magazine and fully forget about it, but then the reason why I write this letter is because when I dies, I don’t want to be alone. I mean, I just want someone outside there other than my family and doctors in this hospital know about me. You know, I was born alone, and I don’t want to died alone too, at least at my last moments I have other than my family to talk.

Silly, right? Well, just forget to what I say thought, I already happy when you read this even in the end you’ll throws it on the trash can.

Anyway, thank you for read it till the end.

Regards, Cho Kyuhyun

“It’s $6.80”

Changmin just nods as he takes his wallet from the back pocket of his trouser. He is inside a mini market to buy some snacks and drinks for tonight. He takes out some bucks and ready to leave when his eyes catches something near the magazine stall. Envelopes.

“Can I help you with anything else sir?” the clerk ask Changmin when he’s just stoping on the cashier and not move after he pay his things.

Changmin turn to the clerk for a little while “I guess… I’ll buy these envelopes…”

I don’t know where to start, because honestly it’s odd.

I mean, come on, it’s modern age where people start to use email or even long text messages to send, but then a letter come into my letterbox. I guess that weird.

Oh, by the way, that called Misanthropy; I mean the thing about hating people or distrust them, because honestly I also do the same. Well, you know, when writing this somehow I wonder if the one who send me this is really Cho Kyuhyun like the one that written on his letter before. I can’t really sure about that, but then, what can I do?

Anyway, I read your letter till the ends, and it not end up on the trash can, well, it joined with my bills though, but not forgotten.

You know, I wonder why you sent your letter from the hospital. Are you sick or something? You even mentioned Chemo. Well I don’t want to be creep here, but since it’s odd so I ask.

We both Misanthropy I supposed, but it’s feel weird to wonder about someone else.

I guess that’s all, you know, you no need to reply it if it’s too weird for you. And I’m really sorry about my bad handwriting.

Bye, Changmin Shim

He closes his eyes when all he can smell right now is how sting the medicine is. He has this IV on his knuckles to his chemo thing. He would like to just sit there facing the bright window as he let the drugs slowly but sure getting inside his system. There would be people offer him to join them like watching TV as waiting for the chemo ends, but most of the time, he would refuse it and prefer to be alone by himself, watching nothing but the green grass of the hospital garden from the window.

It’s been four months and this is the thirteen times he does the chemo. Four months ago when he’s discovered he has Schwannoma Neurofibrosarcoma, something that he believe if the more longer the diseases name the more bad that mean is. He doesn’t really understand what happen with that thing is, but then it must be something to do with around his right knee, because well, it was where this all begins.

“All by yourself again Kyuhyun-ah?”

Kyu turn his head to his left and found a man stand beside him with his hands inside his pocket. It is his doctor, Park Yoochun. Yoochun just smile as his eyes look through the wide glass outside, seeing the summer light from this view. Kyuhyun not say anything, but only look back into the window. It’s happen for more than ten minutes with them stare outside with no words before suddenly Yoochun sighs a little as he being called by one of the nurse, but he stops before he start to walk “Oh by the way, I have something for you.”

Kyu looks at Yoochun and wait for the older to say anything. Honestly, Yoochun is more like the first person he pay attention to beside his family, which makes him curious since Yoochun never give him anything. Yoochun not do anything after he said that, but he only look at Kyu’s expression which is waiting for something happen “Well, actually I put that thing on my table, maybe I’ll get that for you just before you home.” And leave Kyu just after he put a hand over his shoulder.

He hisses a little as he walk through the hall. He holds the wall on his left as he walks slowly with his feet that not work perfectly. Sometimes he would stops for a little while to just stand there with a support from the wall before continuing when the sting feeling of his right feet is better. He refuses to use a walking stick from the hospital to support him walks, or even a wheelchair so he doesn’t need to walk at all. He prefer to walk with his feet even the doctors already told him how bad that it would be if he keep doing that.

His breath is quiet heavy as he stops for a little while on the lobby. He decide to sits for a little on the chairs for waiting. He usually home with his sister, but she text him if she’ll be late about an hour which makes him would just sit there wait till she is come. He lift his head from his knee and look around, looking at those people who is passing by whether they’re the working here, or patients and those family member. He follows their movement in the lobby and funny thing is, he found no one that walk alone. Well, the doctors are for a few, but mostly they would come in two or group before separate on the way. Suddenly he feels alone that time, after all these years.

“Cho Kyuhyun-ssi?”

Kyu turn his head and look at the woman that stands beside the chair where he sits. She’s one of the nurse here, seeing from her uniform “Yes?”

The nurse takes something out from her pocket and shoves it toward Kyu. Kyu look at it slowly and realizes what that thing is, an envelope.

“Yoochun-ssi is meant to give it toward you, but he has something to do right now.” She says slowly as Kyu take the small envelope into his hand and stare at it quietly before he flips it and try to read who is the sender of that letter “he also says that it come this morning… ah, okay, I guess I better leave now.”

Kyu looking at the nurse that smile and nods her head a little toward him before she leave. And with that makes Kyu only left alone again with the letter now in his hand.

I have cancer, well, is that freaking you out? I mean most of people would freak out and pitying me the moment after.

I don’t know, perhaps, I’m not hate about that much. I mean the time when I being told I got a Schwannoma Neurofibrosarcoma everything seems turn up and down. The time move slowly and stuffs, but then I realize, I have nothing to live to. I have no one to rely on beside my family and—the point is I not hate it at all, I guess, if my mom not forced me to do this treatment things, I would just let myself die alone with this thing.

Wow, thanks to tell me the name, I think is kinda cool, I mean Misanthropy.

No it’s not odd, because I reply your letter, and yes, your writes is so bad.

Cho Kyuhyun

“Changmin!?”

Changmin lift his head from the book that he read. He is on the floor at the back of the public library. He rarely come to this place though, he just come to this place when there is a task that makes him to find information from the book, but most of all, he would like to just find it from the internet. He not kind of person that loves book, even he read it sometimes, it doesn’t mean he likes it. Being one of the students in Astronomy major, makes him spent most of his time with number rather than words.

“What are you doing here?” the man that call Changmin just look at him weirdly because when pn the other side of the library there are plenty desk to sit but Changmin prefer to sit there on the floor near the window. Another thing is because where he is now, it’s a biology section “I mean there are desks over there.”

“I prefer here.” Changmin says simply as he back into the thick book that he read on. Honestly, he doesn’t know who that guy that talking to him. Well, for a moment he realize if that guy must be know him because he know his name, but all again, he can’t remember the name of the person or where he ever met him.

“Sarcoma? You read this?”

Changmin just look at the man who god knows since when he already join him on the floor. He just look at the other quiet annoyed because he is being disturbed now. He can’t continue his read time because whenever he just start to read a word, this guy would talk about something. Changmin put down his book and close it, he then turn his sit position so he can face this guy who seriously looking at one of the book as he open the pages and flips it randomly. Changmin look slowly and he remember this guy, must be one of the schoolmate of him in Highschool.

“Are you sick or something?” the guy ask while he finally open the pages where Changmin give a book divider on it. He lifts his head so he can look at Changmin who now stare at the pages “because if you do, this is something bad, you know.”

Changmin look at the guy seriously now “Okay, first of all, who are you?” he takes the book from the man’s hand and put it over the other book from the floor before he start to rearrange it by it’s first words “Yes, I’m rude, but just, who are you and what do you mean with bad?”

“Well, I’m Kim Junsu, we even classmate at the senior year.” Junsu stand from the floor copying what Changmin doing. He’s following the taller when he put back the book on the shelves “Well, a friend of mine is a doctor in hospital, and he’s a cancer specialist.”

“Well I’m impressed” Changmin keep walking with one book left on his hand toward the librarian and tell her if he’ll borrow that’s one. Junsu is still following him. He even waits behind Changmin like he want to say something but wait until Changmin get the book and leave the building. Changmin no bother to stops or asking why the other is following him. He is just keep busying himself by putting his book inside his bag, and then he is just can’t “Okay! What do you want!?”

Changmin turn his body in second which makes Junsu also stops right away when he realize if Changmin already faced him. He let out a deep breath and look at Changmin slowly like he want to talk something but with the sudden act from the other everything seems fade away. They stand on the side of the road. People who are walk pass them by once or twice would like to turn their head a little to see at the two who look into each other with no word. It’s summer and outside a building somehow makes their skin is a little bit sting with the ray of light. Changmin just sighs and put his hands inside his pocket as he waiting for the other to talk.

“Look, I know actually I have nothing to do with this, but then if you are really is sick, I just wonder if your family already know about this, because you can’t hide it forever you know.” Junsu held his hands on the air like he try to picturing what he want to say but it just a random wavering hands on the air “I mean, I’m not try to be rude, but you always alone back in the high school, I mean it looks like you have no one, and the worst is I never ask about it.”

“It’s not that I try to pitying you or something. I mean, living with cancer, dealing with that, it just, you can’t do it alone.” For the first time in years, Changmin is listening to someone who talks to him. Even his parents only can talk to him about two minutes long to him before he just walk away from them without word. He doesn’t really realize about this, but then he keep listening to whatever crap that Junsu would told him about “you know, perhaps you think about dying alone is a god idea since you’re always alone. Maybe you not hate about have this cancer, but I know inside you it says the otherwise. Remember what people say ‘no one wants to die alone’ and I believe inside yourself, really deep there you don’t want to die alone.”

Changmin agape his mouth to say something, but he just end up with raised eyebrows as the words is like stuck on his throat. He look down and thinks about what the other just say to him, about no one would die alone and not hate about thing and it did quiet confused him.

“If you need something or anything you should talk you know.” Junsu say suddenly when he realize if Changmin just keep silence since the start. He feels weird because he never talk this long to anyone and mostly he never talk any single word to Changmin since high school “maybe not with me, but at least someone, your family, or anyone outside there, well, you know.”

Changmin smile a little and slips a little laughs from his mouth before he take a deep breath and look at the clear sky for a little while before he brings his gaze toward Junsu who still wait for his reaction “Well, thanks for your talk and advice Kim Junsu, I really appreciate it, but I gotta go”

Changmin nods his head toward Junsu who is smile quiet wide, perhaps because he heard to Changmin response. Changmin turn his heels and start to walk few steps before he stops and turn his body back and find out if Junsu still stand there and look at him “Oh, one thing, FYI, I don’t have a cancer. Au revoir!”

Changmin wave his hands in the air and smile to himself when he look at Junsu expression that change immediately after he says that. He knows, the other should die in embarrassment for his blabbering mouth about this cancer thing.

Are you really sure you don’t hate it? because from the thing that I got here, you are not pretty sure about that. In fact you send me this letter because you said you at least want someone know about you. I’m confused.

There is this funny thing few days ago. I listen to someone’s words. It’s more than ten minutes and it’s really surprised me since I never even do that to my parents. Weird.

You know, your sickness, I can’t even write it right, I just messed it names you know. I don’t know what that is but then the point is, the longer the name of the disease is the worse isn’t it?

I don’t know why people should pitying you, aren’t they should cheer you up instead, or better just done their own business. Last night I just think about this, I mean being us. We hate society for a reason and not everyone can understand it. I mean, are we the weird one or the society just like always? Well, I believe the second option is.

Yeah, my writes is bad, but I’m proud of it. By the way, I just wonder, why me? I mean, there are plenty names on the Yellow Pages, but why choosing me, because it was strange when coincidentally we both are misanthropy.

Anyway summer is

Changmin Shim

“Well, well, what you get there Changmin-ah?”

It’s Jaejoong come with his hoodie on the middle of summer while he use a turtle neck inside it. Seriously!? Even Changmin only use a simple T-shirt, somehow it’s still feels freaking hot and sticky when his sweat is can’t stop, but seeing Jaejoong, it’s only make him like to questioning it, but in the end he still close his mouth.

Changmin just shrugs as he takes the bunch of letter from his postbox on the wall. Living on an apartment there mean there would a chance meet with your neighbor when you do laundry on the basement or even just to take letters on the letterbox on the first floor just like now. And just like usual, even Changmin meet with anyone or being greeted, he would just turn silence and smile a little with no words.

“You know, it’s something new of you.” Jaejoong says suddenly while he closes the letterbox of his and locked it. Changmin turn his head toward Jaejoong who follows his act by laid his back on the wall near the letterbox while try to checking each letter that he got “Checking the mail on Wednesday, usually you doing it on Monday or Saturday though. Or never did”

“Well, news flash, I doing it now, on Wednesday.” Changmin just shook his head as he start to walk toward the stairs. He lives on the fourth floor and even there is a lift there, he prefer to use the stairs, well, health issue he believe. “Then, that’s good for you Changmin-ah.”

Honestly he doesn’t know why, really. why people really like to following him these days. Just few days ago someone named Kim Junsu that told him used to be his senior year classmate followed him with some crappy talk, and now, his neighbor just do the same even till now he not say much. Jaejoong is already lived across him since before he moved into this apartment, and this named Yunho even Changmin rarely met him though. He never interest to ask anything about what’s going on between the two, especially when most of the night he can hear the scream of Jaejoong from across the room.

“Are you always all by yourself?” Jaejoong says suddenly when they already on the second floor of the building. Changmin just keep walking as he holds the letters which mostly bills on his left hand. Jaejoong try to keep pace with Changmin who seems not care to what he says “listen, I don’t want to be rude, but I never seeing you with anyone. I mean you’re in your golden age, where you should have fun, with friend or someone special, you know.”

“Well, you not wrong.” Changmin says simply as he keep walking and not even care if Jaejoong now try to find his gaze really hard. They arrived on their floor, and Changmin just walk right directly toward his door and found out if Jaejoong is still following him, come on, seriously? Changmin turn his body so he can look at Jaejoong who stare at him with those eyes that asking for his attention “look, I don’t understand what you want, but it’s my life, I’m the one who rule it.”

“Well, okay.” Jaejoong hold his hands up over his chest like he defends himself from Changmin as he takes few steps backwards. He walk backward slowly until his back is bumped into the green door of his place. He shrugs and continuing “you know, I just worried about you being all alone. No one can live alone, not even an ant.” Before he gets inside his room and closes the door behind.

Changmin just curve his lips as he holds the knob of his door that feels cold in his hand. He looks down to the floor when he tries to think about what the other just says. He then turns his gaze toward that green door across him that now already closes. He shout “BUT I’M NOT AN ANT!” and get inside his own place.

It’s been like five minutes since he stand there with a cheeky smile on his face while his eyes is never leave a figure inside the room. The room is slight darkened because the curtain is closing the half of the window which makes the light that get inside the room is quiet dimmed. Honestly, he just want to make sure the talk that one of the nurse tell him. Tell him about if one of his patient is starts to lighten up in his days especially when he writes or receives a letter, and that is what he see right now. He can see if the person inside the room is writing something over the table on his bed where is supposed to be placed for his lunch.

He keeps his smile as he turn the door knob slowly and get inside the room “It is starting to be interesting, isn’t it?”

It’s lunch time, and it’s something that Yoochun never do by bring his lunch box into one of the patient room. He walks closer to a chair in the room where it usually use for someone who want to looked up the patient. He takes the chair to get closer to the bed and sit there as he put his lunch box over his lap.

Kyu not says anything as he looks at Yoochun who pull the chair beside his bed and start to sit there. He look at his doctor questioningly because Yoochun has this smile on his face like a creep, especially when he remember if they never really have a proper talk beside about his diseases “Well, I just need something to do though.”

“Yeah, I believe that.” Yoochun says simply as he takes of his wooden chopstick and divide it into two. He slips a small laugh before he open his lunch box and looking what inside it and take a piece of rolls egg and take a bite.

Kyu stops writing. He put the top of the pen into his mouth as he thinks what actually inside his mind about writing these things all. He looks at the paper in front of him, seeing the blue ink that he always use whenever he writes something just because he like the color. He looks at the things that he writes there and read it slowly before he turn his head and found if Yoochun just eating his lunch in silence, for a while, he remember about his lunch that he haven’t eat since it comes.

He turn his heas back toward the table in front of him and look at the food that he puch a side so he can write the letter. He bite his bottom lips a little and collecting this papers and envelope before put it on his bed beside his pillow so he can eat right there. Yoochun is still chewing his food when he looks to what the other do “You finish write that?”

“No, it just I’m hungry.” he answers it simply. He not bother to look at the other because now, he busying himself to eat. Yoochun just smiles and continuing eating his lunch which is almost finish. The whole lunch is quiet not until when Yoochun finish with his food and close his lunch box ready to leave but found if Kyu is never eating his food “Is there something wrong?”

There is no answer which makes Yoochun quickly stand from his seat and put his lunch box on the chair. He get closer to Kyu only to see if the younger is already cry in silence since God knows when. He bites his bottom lips as the tears never stops fall from his eyes, even his hand is still hold the spoon ready to eat. Yoochun slight panic with the view, because for now, he can’t understand to what his patient feel if the other only cry in silence “What is it Kyu!? Tell me, what’s going on? Which one is hurt??”

Kyu is trying to say it but his words seem stuck in his throat. Everything seems heavy. He gritted his teeth before he try to speak with broken sobbing voice “I… I ca… I can’t move… move my feet…”

So I’m the first name that you see on the Yellow Pages when you open it randomly? Well, it’s a surprise thought

When you say that you lost your hair because of the chemo and radiology, and your head look like an alien, the first thing that come up into my mind is Yoda, but you’re of course doesn’t look like Yoda right!? By the way, I just look like a kid. I don’t know, but that’s what my neighbor across the hall always says. So because I don’t exactly know how I look, I just say that.

I don’t know how it’s feels to live on the hospital, I mean you told me it’s been like a week you there, but then I never can picturing about how. I rarely sick when I was young. I am never experiencing any hospital stuffs, so I can’t say anything about it either though. But I guess it’s pretty cool, I mean, just forget it, honestly—I’m at words aren’t i?

The summer will end in two weeks, and that’s mean not . By the way, yeah, I guess, I wouldn’t move from my apartment even I already graduated. Because honestly my parents also on the town, and I just want to run away from them since they’re divorced.

I guess I will just busying myself with college works when autumn comes.

And perhaps its sound weird for people like us, but without I realize it, I start to kind of enjoying this sent letters thing even we never met. Hope you don’t think is weird.

Changmin Shim

This situation is just tense. Kyu just sit on his wheelchair while Yoochun talking about something that must have something to do with the Rontgen result of his feet. He just look straight to the table where he can see a picture of Yoochun with a woman that he believe supposed to be his mom since she’s kind of old and has a quiet same face with him.

It’s been like hours, but for sure it’s only like fifteen minutes since they inside the room and listen whatever Yoochun says. When it comes with they, it’s really are they. There are also Kyu’s parents inside this room and both of them sit on the chair in front of Yoochun’s table. Ahra want to comes too, but then she has something to do in her works which makes her can’t be there. Yoochun is still keep talking with his words, medical words about what happen toward Kyu’s feet. Kyu’s parents just nods their head like they’re understand even they also doubt it.

“So you mean, we should do this operation soon?”

She says it in a weird voice. Her eyes look at everywhere as she try to say something else but she’s got nothing. More than twenty years she’s raised her son with her husband and watching him grown up very well. Controlling his food and activity as far as she could, but for now, she can’t do nothing. It would be easy if it’s only about his score at school or about hows he like to beating up a student in his school because they would like to make fun of him for being a loner, but now it’s different. All she can do is only listen the crap to whatever the doctor in front of her gonna say before he get into his point. She can’t do nothing but just let this doctor doing something the best for her son.

“Yes ma’am, we should.” Yoochun get into his cahir and sit as he put his hands over the table and hold it into each other. He take a deep breath as he looked at the waiting parents in front of him “I mean, first you should think about it well, especially Kyu because honestly we—“

“How high the percentages?”

Yoochun’s words are cut by her just before he even finished it. Yoochun turn his gaze toward Kyu who is just silence since the first place while his eyes keep fixed on the table before back toward his parents “I doubt about it, but, it’s about less than 50%”

The dam broke and he doesn’t know when and how, but he just can feel these tears fall from his eyes. He bring his head down so he can see his laps blurry as the tears keep filling up on the corner of his eyes before it’s fall. He can hear his mother’s voice with a broken voice and slights scream, talking about something like saving his life or raising the percentage. On the other side he just can hear the door in the room being opened and close no longer after that which he’s sure must be his father out from this room.

He lift his head and nothing inside his mind that seems clear beside wheel away from this place as fast as he could. He just keeps strolling toward the door and out from the room even he can hear his mother is calling him to stay, he’s unstoppable. At the hall way, he can see one on the chairs in the hallway there is his dad, sitting there as he put his head down and turn his hands into fist. He can see directly how his dad is crying with his eyes closes and no voice. The scene just broke his heart.

Without word he wheel away to the other side of hallway. He’s sure his dad not realizes if he’s seeing this and leaves. He’s still crying judges from the tears that fall from his eyes even he put this plain expression on his face. He turns into the corner and stop in front of one door which is his room. He turns the knob and gets inside the dark room in silence no bother to close the door behind when he move closer into his bed. He stops there and looked at the papers that he already writes on the lunch, a paper that supposed to be sent to Changmin.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

He screaming as loud as he could until his throat feels hurt because of it. He’s mad, hurt, sad and scared at the same time. He keeps screaming as his hand is all over the bed and messed it up. He messed up the sheet and throws it on the floor. He hit the bed over and over as he feels the anger inside him is exploding with no end. He bites his bottom lips so hard to hold his tears until he can taste the blood there. It’s too much until he not realize it too if he’s nosebleed at the same time. He looks at the pillow on his bed, looking at something beside it, the written paper to be sent. He takes it and stare.

SREK

He tears it up. He tears that paper into small pieces until his hands can’t do more.

The papers already turn into pieces scattered on the floor. He can see the drop of his blood whether is from his nose or his lips, he can’t be sure. the tears still there, his head is spinning round and his breath it’s just so heavy. He’s tired and scared. He just let his mind leave him for a little while as he move his wheelchair closer to the bed and laid his head on the end of the bed. Let his eyes close so he no need to see the stain of blood that he made on the bed when he laid his head there.

I’m lied.

I’m scared about death. I don’t want to die. I want to read more your letter. I don’t want this to ends.

Help me. I don’t want to die.

It was late night when Jaejoong hear someone is knocking on his door, well, maybe banging is the perfect words. He grumbling in his sleep when he heard that because honestly doesn’t that person learning about ring his bell, but suddenly he open his eyes because maybe that person is Yunho who told him he would have this out town meeting early on the morning. Maybe he canceled that stuffs and decide to home late night like this.

“I’m coming!”

Jaejoong hold his head that seems heavy because he’s sleep is being disturbed. He bring his feet down and try to walk toward the door even his foot are kind of wobbly. He even almost hit the wall couple times on his way through his front door. He not bother to see who is the one that banging on his door. He just unlock the door slowly with his eyes that still half open and found if it’s not Yunho. It’s someone else that surprised him. It’s Changmin.

“Changmin!?” Jaejoong fully open his eyes in second when he found out who is the one who wakes him up at this late, but the most important is because how is Changmin’s looks now “What’s going on? What happen?”

It need about a minute for Changmin before he finally open his mouth and talk about something happen with his heavy breath. Somehow Jaejoong scared to whatever he going to say “He’s… He’s dying…”

“What do you mean?” Jaejoong get this panic attack suddenly as his mind filled up with Yunho. All inside his mind is only Yunho’s name right now “who’s dying Changmin!? Tell me!”

Changmin close his already red puffy eyes and let the tears falls again on his cheeks. He doesn’t remember how long he’s been crying all over whenever the tears are already end. He close his mouth for a while before open it again to continuing between his sobs “… He’s dying… I… I don’t know—know what… what—to—to… do… he—help—me…”

He’s been about six years living in this building and three years living across this guy in front of him. He’s already facing anger, happiness, sadness, silliness, loneliness as long as he can remember since the first time he met Yunho about ten years ago, but now, this is something new. He doesn’t know what this is call when he looked at Changmin now. He just full of this tears and he’s look very bad. He seems like he just cry as long as he could today judges from how swallowed his eyes is, but then something that makes it different is something on Changmin’s left hand that wrinkled because his hand is hold it tightly.

A letter.

Jaejoong know very well what that letter about even he never ask the younger or being told about it. The first time he realizes it is when he brings the package and bunches of letter for Changmin toward his room. It’s almost like six weeks ago, but he remember well about the letter because from all the envelopes that Changmin gets that day there is only one envelope that different with the green color. The letter that being sent from the hospital with a named of Cho Kyuhyun. He would like to ask about who is this Cho Kyuhyun, a person who is suddenly makes Changmin almost like twice in a week checking his letterbox only to takes the same green envelope most of the time. He willing to ask, but he never did in the end.

“He’s… going to be fine. He’s not going to leave you”

Jaejoong just walk closer to Changmin and bring the taller into his embrace. Honestly they never really have a proper talk. Mostly is only a simple chat with Changmin slips sarcasm from his mouth, but now he just hugs the younger with no rejection even Changmin is not placed his hand like he also hugging back. He just stay in his position and let Jaejoong keep hugging him as he can feel the older hand is rubbing up and down behind his back while he keep crying in silenced.

It sounds selfish, I know, but please, just, don’t die.

It’s been three days since, and he just keep his mouth shout whenever anyone asking him about something. His mind is blank and so his gaze. As usual, he would like to sit on the place where is far from people who also do the treatment just like him. He would prefer to sit on the place where he can see the view outside. He always chose this place near the window so he can feel the light and see people walks pass him by on the outside and not even care to what happen to him. He hate it now, because seeing something like that only could remind him how alone he is.

Yoochun stand on the doorway as he look at one of his patient that can be called pretty young sit alone almost on the corner of the room, staring at nothing but ocean of people outside. He sighs to himself as he put his hands inside his trouser pocket and walks closer toward the wheelchair where the other sit is. He stands beside it and just let he join to enjoy the view of the people outside. He not turn his head to see his patient, he just talk with his gaze fixed on the wide glass “You don’t write any letter?”

Kyu put his head down in second and just shook it slowly. Yoochun glancing a little from the corner of his eyes toward the younger that bring his head downs. He realize if he already seeing people deaths as much as he can, but then at this very kind of moment he always hope that he can save everyone’s life even that’s impossible in many cases. He also bring his gaze down for a moment, so all he can see is his shoe instead of Kyu, because whenever he seeing Kyu with his hairless head, it always remind him to save this kid life as far as he can. He smiles to himself “You know, perhaps, Changmin start to wondering about you, you know…” before he leave the place after he put a hand over Kyu’s shoulder.

Yoochun walk on the hallway out from the chemo room just a moment after he talks with Kyu. He checks some papers in his hands as he walk toward another room where his other patient need to be check. He walks with his head down most of the time, bt then he lift it a second from his paper when he look at someone that stand in front of Kyu’s room, which is exactly not his family.

This guy is tall, or very tall for someone look very young. He use a hoodie and khaki pants also a sneakers. His hair is short and kind of mess, wheter is because of the wind or because he not try to fixed it before he’s here. He use a backpack like he want to works or going for a class. He just stand there and look at the small name board on the side of the door where Kyu’s name must be written at it. Yoochun get closer to this guy.

“I’m sorry, can I help you?” Yoochun says slowly toward the guy who quickly turn his gaze toward him and give all his attention to. Surprisingly, he’s right about this guy face, because even he’s incredibly tall, he looked like a high school student or perhaps he is “You’ve been staring at this door room since always. Are you wants to in?”

“Ah, no, thanks.” He smiles a little as he takes a few steps backwards like he scared of him. He put hand behind his head and start to ruffle his own hair “I just wonder about this room… because… because… is dark, but then there is seems like someone is supposed to be here.” And randomly pointing at the name on the small board like it’s the first thing that comes up into his mind.

“Oh, actually he has his chemo treatment now.” Yoochun says as he walk closer to the guy and looking at the name there which is written ‘Cho Kyuhyun’ just like it must be. The guy just turns his lips into ‘o’ shape before he nods and close his mouth afterward. Yoochun look at him back and suddenly something come up into his mind “do you want to meet him?”

The guy turn his head to Yoochun and suddenly there is this like panic expression there which makes Yoochun would like to questioning it “Uhm, no, actually I just pass this door by after done my business. I guess, I better go now.”

Yoochun just smile when the guy is bows his body a little and smile before turn his heels and start to walk away until he’s gone on the corner. He still look at to where the guy is gone before he turn his head and stare at the name of Kyu at the small board. He would like to wonder why Kyu? He means when there is so many rooms here why he stops in front of Kyu’s door. Well, perhaps it just a coincidence, because it would be something with a little chance he would meet that guy again.

Yoochun start walking again after a few minutes. He walk pass the information stall until one of the nurse there calling him which makes him stop right away and look at her who seem like try to find something on the table “Yes? What is it?”

The nurse takes out an envelope from one of the file on the table and shoves it toward Yoochun. Yoochun stare at it and realizes what is it “Someone just comes here a moment ago and he gives this for your patient named Cho Kyuhyun. I bet he’s not a postman since he just looks like a student with no uniform.”

Yoochun takes the envelope from the nurse hand and look at it. He turns the envelope and found there is no address of the sender, only a name of it.

Changmin Shim

He still silence as he keep thinking about what Yoochun’s just say a moment before, about perhaps Changmin is missed him. Well, yeah that is true if he never reply Changmin’s last letter that comes like four days ago. Usually he would reply it immediately just after the letter come and he finished read it, but then when he read what Changmin sent him the last time, only makes him turn sad. He not sure he can do it, he mean when he should keep alive. It’s not that he gave up, but then he remember when he say he not hate it at all. Somehow he hates himself for saying something like that.

Even his mind is thinking outside there, his eyes are still fixed on the window where he stare at the ocean of meaning less people who just passing by so they can get into their destination on time, but then he seeing someone different. Well, this person is really tall than the other, over the average height. He use a hoodie and khaki pants while his hands is up over his chest like he try to feel the rain when there is no rain at all. Perhaps he tries to feel the ray of the sun in the first week of autumn. He close his eyes.

Kyu stare at this person from the hair to his feet. He’s so skinny, but then even from this gap, Kyu can see if this person is has a look like a kid. Something that somehow remind him of someone that ever say if he looked like a kid, but then he thought that would be impossible. He not can’t see directly how this person looks like but then he realizes if that guy is already turns his head toward him. He not sure if that guy is trying to seeing him or someone behind his wheelchair which makes him brings his head to glance over behind his wheelchair but there is no one there. He brings back his gaze toward the window and see if this guy still stare at him, but then he’s smile, and wave his hand toward him. Kyu still staring to him for a little while before he lift one of his hands slowly and wave back to the man who is keep smile and now he’s nod. It happen like five second before the guy stops wave his hand and bow his body instead before he start to walk away and leaving Kyu only stare at his glimpse from behind the window.

For the first time in his life at the hospital, someone is realize his presence from behind the wide glass.

“What are you staring at?”

Kyu lift his head spontaneously when he hears someone id talking beside him. It’s Yoochun who is now try to follow his gaze before to his right and find to whatever he try to look at moments ago, but hopefully that guy is already gone between those people. His back can’t be seems anywhere, he’s gone. Yoochun bring his gaze back toward Kyu who now back focusing at his front for nothing. He then realize if he does missed something that perhaps only Kyu who knows what is it, but then he realize the reason why he turn back again into this room.

“Oh by the way, this is being sent directly here, with no postman.” Yoohun take out an envelope from his pocket and put it over Kyu laps. Kyu looks at the envelope for a little while and widen his eyes when he realizes what it is “he seems like he come to this place, but I’m not meet him thought, the nurse on the lobby did.”

Yoochun leave a moment after he deliver the letter toward Kyu. Kyu say nothing but then he just smile to himself when he looked at the envelope and remember about it being sent by its person, but then he just lift his head in second when he thought about it and turn his head to the place where the last time he seeing the guy that wave his hand toward him from the outside from the window. He can feels it, even he’s not really sure about it.

“… Changmin?...”

I’m sorry for saying something like that on my last letter. I mean, I guess we just let this flow like it must be, doing everything that we can do while we can.

I ever told that I hate people and society. I am a misanthropist or something, and then you sent me a letter. You know, I feel it kind of weird at first for talking to someone this long, well, writes it, literally. But then yes, that happen. We exchange letter like two or three times a week, and for a little while I always enjoys it and wait it to come. I would like to check downstairs and look if there any letter comes and back to my place with so many expectation to whatever you writes that time. We don’t even know each other, but I’m enjoying it so much.

Once someone ever told me to at least talking to someone, anyone, even that person isn’t my family or someone that I know. I laugh at myself that time, but then I realize he’s right. It’s not bad at all to talk with anyone even it’s only from a letter.

I don’t believe myself these days, but I guess that a good sign, because slowly I realize how nice to waiting every words that you write to me.

At least I’m not and never regret for that part.

The part when you are choosing me because I’m the first name that you see on the Yellow Pages and sent me so much words these almost six weeks.

I’m not regret anything including communicates with you even I always convinced myself that I distrust people and hate the society. I guess, you’re the only exception.

I hope we can do it till the end, and I never want to think about it when.

Changmin Shim

It’s the second weeks of the autumn, and the class already starts like two days ago. He doesn’t hate autumn at all, even the sun is still shining this bright since it still early but then at least it’s warmer. He already finishes his class like fifteen minutes ago but today he not walk straight home like usual. He turn his heels into the back of the building of his faculty where there are usually used for those student who would like a peace quiet time. He walk there and chose one of the benches that quiet far from another students before he sits and look to his front directly.

He has nothing to do, well, he usually just walk straight home though, so now he’s kind of has no idea what usually people would do when they’re sit on this kind of place. He tilted his head slowly as he laid his back on the bench and feel the hard wood on his spine. His bag is on his laps while his hands are playing along with his fingers, while his mind is just blank.

“It’s a rare for you to be here, isn’t it?”

Changmin turn his head to his left and found someone is already sit beside him. Someone from how long he can remember but he just know he’s from the library. The man who is talking about of life to him. He still look at the man that now closing his eyes like he tries to feel the warm air of the autumn. Changmin just bring his gaze back to his front and doing the same. he sighs for a couple times and let the warm wind touch his skin like it caressed it slowly. On his own darkness, something gets inside his mind which makes him willing to ask the other—who he’s forget who his name was—something “Why do you think people afraid of death?”

“Because we’re stupid and selfish.” The other says simply while he also still close their eyes. There is a gap between Changmin and this guy, and they are talking with a slight low voice but then they can hear it perfectly because they sit quiet far from other person “we’re selfish when he think about like our life span is too short, and we’re stupid when we not realize for how long and so many precious moments we have done is life.”

“But isn’t that true? About our life is just too short?”

The other smile to himself which is of course Changmin not see it because he closes his eyes. Slowly when he hear what the question that the other just say, he open his eyes little by little until it fully open and makes him can see surround him with a slight green shadows around since he just close it. he blinks it for few times before he sighs and thinks to what he supposed to say “It did, but then when you placed yourself as someone that being a prison, a minutes can be your whole life you know. Because you don’t have anything to do like people outside the high wall and with a dull life you always experiencing a very longing time.”

Changmin smile to himself now and he open his eyes. Listening to what the other just say to him makes him realize and remember about who actually this person is. His name is Kim Junsu if he’s not right, because for long as he can remember this person is the first one that tries to talk to him very long. He bring his head down so his gaze is fall into his hands over his lap. He thinks about what the other just tell him, about a time that feel like never ends.

“When you think about it, about a person in prison or even in hospital as the patient, they have nothing much to do, and everything seem useless. The convict on the jails has nothing to do, because whether they’re good or bad they will do they sentences no matter what for years in there or even death penalty. On the other side, people on the hospital is only can hoping for the best for their healing and let God do the rest. And trust me, when you’re in their position, you would never know anymore the fear between death and alive.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, just think about it, for everyone that have ever being get in jail would experience it. When this person outs from that place the world would looks at him differently. No matter how good things that he would done he would have this bad record forever and believe me the world is not a nice place, and for a little while I bet they ever hope to back at the time when they never do the bad stuffs which is so impossible and definitely selfish. For someone that dying on hospital, when they’re suddenly healthy and active again they will forgot about the time when they’re dying and just have fun, and starting that time he always thought the time when he just healing from his illness is the time that he would start to makes so many memories with which is stupid.”

There is no voice again comes from Junsu who seem like he already lost his power to talk. His voice is already change a little when he talk on the end, perhaps he’s kind of thirsty. Changmin lift his head and turn it toward his side where is Junsu just stare at the front of them with his slanted eyes that almost look like close it. He laughs without he realize it “You start to talk about again.”

It was a moment, a moment when Junsu finally hear Changmin’s laugh. Well, he already know him since high school and even go into the same class on their senior year, but they’re never talk, Changmin never talk unless it necessary. When college comes, he knows that he goes into the same college like Changmin even different faculty. Whenever he look at Changmin from afar, he can see if this exact same guy still the same which is all alone and silence, and now he just hearing hi laughs which is mean something to him.

“Yeah, I know.” He joins the laughs that Changmin makes before as he continuing “but isn’t that feels great? I mean hearing someone talk about and without you realize it you pay any attention to him.” The voice of laughter suddenly fades away on the air. Changmin stop laughing, but his lips still curve into smile as he look at the front of him to where a cat is lying on the grass feet away from them. Junsu also stop his laugh, but he still have things to say “you know, you don’t need to believe or listen to me right now, but then, it’s never bad to talk about what you’re feel and listen to the other feels, no matter about what is it, slowly you’ll just get into the flow.”

Changmin take his gaze away and he slowly stands from his seat and look up at the blue sky over him. Junsu stare at him from his side while he still sit on the chair, he not try to follow his act, he wouldn’t. Changmin take his backpack and use it before he turns his head toward the way where he comes since the first place. He put both his hands inside his pocket and sighs to himself “Yeah, I’ve know how that’s feel exactly for sure, and I guess you just make it to be clearer.”

“Well, you’re welcome.” Junsu says with a little smile when he see Changmin is look at him and bow himself a little before he walk away and leave him to only stare at his back.

They do it on Monday; I mean today, I guess this is it.

You know when my doctor told me that I only have like less that 50% to live? I’m crying, and honestly I don’t know why. I don’t whether is because I’m afraid of death itself or because I scared to dies alone. I never had been in date with anyone before. I only have some acquaintances that I forget their names just a day after I met them. I am bad at conversation and thinking about what people’s feeling.

Since I was young, one of my favorite place is the bus stops, because from there I can see people that walk passing by or even sit beside me to wait for the bus to come. Well, it’s sounds odd, I know, but I love to seeing it because when people around there they would not care of other just like what I do. Even I sit side by side with someone we not gonna make a single chat or try to open a conversation. And till now, I still thought bus stops are kind of cool.

These days I’m thinking about what kind of super human I am, for doing everything almost all by myself. I rarely cry and ask for help to anyone. I never really take something seriously beside school, but then now I always wait this letter just like what you do.

Honestly I never expect to get any reply from you, because almost two weeks are passes since my first letter that I sent to you. I never waiting your letter those days, I just thought about doing something that my doctor told me because he start to blabbering about how I should talk with someone outside there if I’m not like my therapist, and then a letter arrived. I just want to home that day after my chemo thing and then a nurse come and give me this and change the whole of my life story.

Have you ever thinks if maybe you never reply that letter our both life would be dull. We both are misanthropist who more likes asocial. I just wonder perhaps if you never reply that letter I would just die here without telling anybody about what I thought about life and days that happen to me, and you, perhaps you would be still stuck on your fourth floor of apartment, always annoyed by your across neighbor and hate summer like always. Well, I’m not really know I about your life, but from the letter that you sent me, from the first one till the last I can see the different that we use in our words. I think it’s a change little by little.

Oh by the way, there is always this question that comes up into my mind, why you always writes your name Changmin Shim instead of Shim Changmin? Aren’t your family’s name is Shim?

You know, you don’t need to answer this letter if you want. Last night, I even ask my doctor to put it into your letterbox early in the morning when he drives to the hospital this morning. I’m sure that if I sent it from the post would come a day after or two, I believe you’ll receive it a day after thought and I don’t want that to be happen. I want you to know about this right away honestly, but I not know your phone number or something, I just know your apartment address after all.

Yeah, this is it. This six whole weeks that fills up with our words and thought about the world, I believe I would never forget that. I will remember and cherish them in my life. And just like what you says, well, literally writes on your last letter, I will also regret nothing.

I regret nothing that I am a misanthropist, we both are. I regret nothing to randomly choosing you on the Yellow Pages. I regret nothing to live this long more than twenty years. The most important is, I regret nothing to know you, about you, and wait for your letter. And in fact, I guess I kind of like you, I mean like, like you. It’s nice, really nice and thinking about it now only makes me ruin the paper with this tears. I hate that.

Please live well Changmin-ah. You should hear and listen to what that one person says about you talk with someone else, because while with me, we not even talk. We never even know how each other look beside a clue if I look like a creep alien while you like a child on tricycle.

Thanks for everything Changmin-ah. Thanks for read my letter till end and replies it. It means a lot to me.

Wish me a good luck at my operation, even we both know how it would end, but at least wish me not fear to face it.

Haha, I’m crying again now. I guess I should just end it since this is the longest letter I ever write in my life. I appreciate these times and I really am.

With memories that I cherish between us, I’ll never forget you.

Cho Kyuhyun

He doesn’t remember how long it has been since he’s running with no direction. He just run and run in rush and not even care if he just leave his apartment door open with his laptop and other stuff on the living room. He not think about get back at his apartment and close the door, locked it up, and change to a better clothes before he out like this. He not thinks about that for now, he doesn’t want to.

It’s autumn and the wind is always start to colder each day, but he not even use his jacket or coat. He just runs with a simple short sleeves T-shirt and a khaki pants like usual. His sneaker is even in the different color, because when he out from his place, he just take the shoes randomly from the rack and just use it. He not tied it up and it makes him so many times almost tripped on the ground after he already fall twice before.

People who are passing by on the road look at him or just put a single glance when he run passes them. He just keep run, and walk as fast as he could when he feels he almost lost his breath. He can feel how his head is spinning round because he running while there are these tears on his eyes that fall through his cheeks. He also has this sobs while his mouth is keep mumbling about something that he doesn’t know what that mean though. He just rambling about something, so many things that he want to say but his throat is just hurt. It feels like he can choke up just because he runs with his sobs that never end. He bites his bottom lips.

There is this something on his left hand. Wrinkled because he holds it really hard while he just keep running with his hands turn into fist. It’s an envelope, a small envelope with a small piece of paper inside it, something that he already writes like three days ago. Something that he wants to writes on his last letter before but it never did. Something that he scared that would ruin everything which makes him only writes it on the small paper after all and keep it deep on his drawer just in case there is a right time to send it toward the other. And honestly he never expect that time would be today, Monday afternoon.

He just backs from college quiet early. He only has one class that day which makes him just want to walk straight home and sit in front of the TV while his mind id get into one of his new book from weeks ago. Just like another Monday, he would checking up his mail before get upstairs and read it. As usual, he would smile whenever he get that green envelope just like usual in weeks, but today it’s different because now he not ended up on his desk and writes any replies for the other but run into the hospital where he know the other should be is.

He’s arrived on the hospital. He can feel his T-shirt is damp with his sweat and how his tears is already stops since when he doesn’t know, but his breath is still heavy. He not need to ask to the lobby again about where the room he goes to is. He ever being here, he ever stand in front of the room’s door. His legs is almost gives up, he can’t run anymore. He can feel this sweat streaming down from his head to his chin before it falls on the ground. He use the wall on his right to a support for him to walk as his hand is touch the cold wall for that. Suddenly he doesn’t want to continue it.

He slumped on the ground; even his bottom can feels how the cold of the floor is. He laid his back on the wall let the hard cold surface hit his spine. He gave up when can see from this far, that the room that he’s heading to is dark and the name on the side small board is not there. He let his head fall down as he can feel on his hands that laid over his lap water that must come from his eyes. And again, he starts to cry in silence again.

When Yoochun walks on the hall heading toward the operation room he’s catching something. He look at someone that now already sit on the floor with a very messed up look. He look at the person from this far, but he remember that shade of person. He remember that guy from few days ago who is just stand in front of Kyu’s room and talking a random thing. He turns curious, he walks toward the guy slowly.

“Are you okay!? Is something happen?”

The guy lifts his head and Yoochun is quiet surprised when he found if he’s actually crying. He can see the tears and the stain on his cheeks while his eyes is bloodshot because of the cry thing. He can see how this guy gritted his teeth before he tries to say something, like the words that want to out from his mouth is really hurt his throat and feels like almost choking him up.

“I’m… fine…” he says slowly in cracking voice. He takes a very deep breath before he try to put a convinced look on his face “No I’m not fine at all”

Yoochun look at this guy slowly and his eyes are catching something on the guy left hand. A small envelope with white color that already wrinkled, perhaps happens when he hold it too hard or he turn his hand into fist when he holds it. Yoochun suddenly like he is realizing something. He feels like he solve the pieces of the puzzle that actually come into his head since days ago when the first time he mee this guy. He surprisingly just kneeling on the floor in front of this guy and sit over his feet “Do you need something? Anything?”

“Do you have any idea where the patient on that room is?” The guy says with a very low tone almost whisper, but he still can hear it very well “I meant to… give him this…”

“Do you want to meet him?”

The guy look at Yoochun’s eyes suddenly and has this questioning look before he bring his head down and shook his head “No… I just need him to… to have this one…”

“Let me help you then.” Yoochun smile to the other even he not lift his head to see his smiles. He lift his hands up in front of the man’s head so he can received the envelope from the guy’s hand if the others agree with him. The other lifts his head and look at Yoochun’s hands for a little while who like waiting to something being given. He curve the corner of his mouth a little and smile before he finally handed Yoochun the white envelope slowly “I don’t care if he not read it or he never will, but then, I just hope he know I give him this, will you?”

“I’m in charge of this royal duty young man.” Yoochun says with a wide smile and a single laugh before he turns his head toward the end of the hall and sighs. He stand from the floor and look at the guy back that still stay on his place. He nods his head “I’m sorry, but I must leaving now, a patient need his doctor thought.”

The guy on the floor only nods his head and smile. Yoochun politely bow his body a little before he turn his body and walk toward the other side of the hall and turn in the corner. He headed into the operation room where he know his patient is waiting for him.

I think I love you.

When he was headed back from works all he want to do is get into the train and walk home as fast as he could. He’s been out of town for like four days and he really misses his best friend so much. He doesn’t know actually what they are; because best friends aren’t making to be a habit between them. He doesn’t remember how that thing first happens after they know each other for years. All he can remember is about the next morning when the two of them already on the same bed and reality hit them. Oh Lord, he misses Jaejoong so much.

Yunho is working like a machine from morning till night. He can be really focused and not cares to people surround him when he is on his work mode. So that is why when he is done with his work, he just wants to directly home and meet Jaejoong so he can be human again. It’s not all because the that would happen afterward—well, that would be great of course—but then it because he just enjoying the time between them. He like to see the other’s expression when he’s happy or sad or even exciting like the one when finally he talk with his neighbor from across the hall. And thinking about that only makes him walking a little bit faster than before.

The nigts is already late. It’s even almost elven at night and the wind is getting colder. He put both his hands inside his mantle pocket as he hide half of his face behind the shawl that lingered around his neck. He can see this smokes that created from his warm breath. He smiles a little toward himself when he can see the top of his apartment from the corner of the road. He makes his steps getting faster and all he can think inside his mind is only—

“Changmin!?”

It’s the first time Yunho seeing his neighbor across the hall outside his apartment at night, late at night. He ever met Changmin before, but it always on the day light, and mostly Changmin would just walk fast and storm out into his place when he seeing him with Jaejoong, because Jaejoong is like to tries talk with him anytime he got chance, but now it’s different. This is really is Shim Changmin from across the hall because even they never really has a talk Yunho can remember the face of someone that incredibly tall with kid looks like.

Changmin lift his head and turn it into where Yunho is. He’s face is turn quiet pale and his nose is already red because of the cold. Actually he uses a hoodie inside his mantle, and Yunho sure if he also use a T-shirt inside his hoodie, he even use his shoe when he sit there on the double stairs in front of their apartment building. But then judging from how is he looks now, Yunho won’t ask about how long he has been sit there in this weather.

“What are you doing here late at night?”

“Waiting”

“For?”

“Postman or anyone that is going to deliver me a letter… Anyone….”

Yunho turn silenced when he hears Changmin’s answer. He can hear the trembling voice when he say that because of the cold. And suddenly Yunho remember about something that Jaejoong told him one day about Changmin that come up into his place and crying saying a random thing. He telling about someone is dying while he held this letter in his hands. He never know what that mean, what Jaejoong mean and expect by telling him that story, but then now he thinks he got it why.

When he looked at Changmin, he know if this guy is broken really is broken, but he can’t express his self very well. He always sees him alone and never talks to anyone. He doing something like this right now, waiting something that impossibly happen at night alone only somehow hurt him even he never talk with Changmin. He even sure if he always do something like this almost every day, and tonight, he must be already sit on that stairs for hours because of his lips that slowly change into blue. He knows what he supposed to do.

“Eerr, what are you doing hyung?” Changmin turn his head toward his left when he realizes if Yunho is join him to sit there on the double stairs and look at the road that almost empty. Yunho just put his hands over his knee as he tangled it into each other. His eyes are look so sleepy but he smile to himself “aren’t Jaejoong hyung is waiting upstairs for you?”

“Nah! Jaejoong can wait Changmin-ah.” Yunho says simply as he laughs a little when he remember how he really is want to heading home as fast as he could to meet Jaejoong before. he lift his head and look at the autumn sky which is crystal clear with the stars that shining brightly there “tonight, I guess, I would like to spent it with you for a little while.”

Changmin open his mouth to say something, but then he just close it up and follow Yunho’s gaze toward the night sky “Thanks hyung… I’ve been sit here alone at night for almost three weeks, and you change it a little tonight.”

Yunho quiet surprised when he hears if the younger is always in this place at night almost three weeks, but then he doesn’t know what he supposed to say. He is not kind of person that like pitying other or act sympathy. In the end, he just answers it with something that comes up into his mind first “Anytime Changmin-ah” he smiles “… anytime…”

One year later

He cut his hair a quiet bit shorter when he applies for this job few months ago. He already graduated from college and he decides to work at the Astronomical Observatory on the National Science Museum few months ago. Graduated from his Astronomical major make him easily get the jobs that the other candidate.

He’s change. A lot.

He has a friend now and his name is Kim Junsu. It’s something that he found sometimes hilarious because in the past he would annoyed to whatever Junsu ty talk, but now he’s not. Junsu is his friend on the game. He introduces him to many kind of game, and that become habit for the two. Every Thursday night Junsu would end up in his apartment till late before his friend picks him up after work just for accompany him to play games. When they’re not play games, most of the time it would be Junsu who is talking, but he never mind at all. He would just listen it to the end before sarcastically commenting about it.

His neighbor across the hall also showing something that he never expect before. Finally the two is ended up together after a long fight which makes Jaejoong sleep in his place and Yunho would like to bang into his front door at night. They end up together right now, even though no one really knows about it beside him. They still try to keep it as a secret just for them.

And the last is himself. He seems move on though. He sometimes still being skeptical about something and annoyingly sarcastic to other person, but then he is at least start to talk with other. In the past, he would only know one person that he not even knows how he looks like. A person that actually makes him to change his life into something like this now a person that he never forget as long as he could, a person that somehow he knows it’s wrong, but he thinks he love him.

He smiles to himself when he thinking about that all over again. It’s been a year pass and he never has any gut to find out about anything that happens to Kyu. He feels like he scared of the truth if he know what exactly happen to the other. Just by how his letter never gets any replies he can conclude what happen to the other actually. On the few first moths, he would like to end in tears at night sometimes whenever he thinks about no letter come anymore into his letterbox. He stops his tears one day and it’s all because he starts to writes letter again. He writes so many letter that he done every twice a week, letters for no one but anyone who he will spend his life with. He never write the name on every envelope, but he always write his name there as the sender. He know he just a hopeless romantic, but what can he do?

He’s not working today even it’s Monday because every the third Monday of the month he would have his bonus day off which he also like to asks why and how that could happen, but he never did. He just back from the library that after noon and he just happy to walk outside under the daylight because it’s autumn. He takes the steps on the double stairs in front of his apartment before he get inside the building. He look at the floor to see his shoes that like just kicking something before he lift his head and found someone is standing in front of the lift.

This person is so pale. He has a slight brown wavy hair that really is cutting very short. Changmin sure if it’s hair is a bit longer it would makes him look better—how could he thought like that about a strager?—this person is has two walking stick on his both hand like supporting him to walk even Changmin not sure if there is something happen with his feet, he looks normal after all. This person is looking at the lift door and waiting, like he waiting for the lift to open.

“Excuse me, the lift is broken, the sign must be fall.” Changmin says suddenly and walk toward the guy’s side and he’s right if the sign of the broken lift is on the floor. He put the sign back on the lift door and turn his body when he finish it toward the guy with the stick, and his feeling is right, this guy would be better if he has his hair a bit longer, because with this short hair he already gorgeous “If you want to go upstairs, you can use the stairs.”

The guy turns his head toward the stairs on the end of the lobby. He open his mouth to say something but then he just shook his head “Well, I guess, I better just off.” He smiles “thank you for telling me.”

Changmin smile toward the guy who is now start to move using his walking stick. He is following the shade of the man and staring at the man’s feet because he’s wonder what happen to his feet till makes him use the walking stick. He still look at the guy’s until he realize something. Whenthe man is try to walking with the help of the stick, the ends of his pants around his shoes would be lifted up a little bit and showing him a… plastic with some screws? So basically his feet is a fake feet?

“Wait!” Changmin says suddenly when without he realizes it. Honestly he doesn’t know what he supposed to say, and just blurted out something that come up into his mind first “I can help you to get upstairs if you want.”

Stupid.

He doesn’t understand either to what he just say.

But just because this guy is so have a good look he lost everything inside his mind

“Wow! Thanks, but no thanks.” The man laughs a little when he turns his body and look at Changmin. Is tere any chance Changmin look weird when he says something like that, because he laughs like that is something funny “honestly I already done my business though, once again, thank you.” Before he leave the building with Changmin that still stare at guy shade before he’s gone.

“Where are you going?” Jaejoong says suddenly when he passed Changmin on the stairs in the second floor. he just get back from the laundry room downstairs and as long as he can remember a few minutes ago he just find Changmin with a blanks look get inside his place after he back from Library, and now, he even still using his backpack heading downstairs in kind of rush “Aren’t you just back?”

“I did, but it’s Monday, I forget to check the mails.” Changmin just keep walking downstairs as he says the words. Jaejoong just shook his head when he looks at what the younger do before he remember about something “Changmin-ah!”

Changmin stop walking and he pull back his body backward so he can see Jaejoong that is few step upstairs “Yes hyung?”

“There is someone looking for you before.” Jaejoong says simply as he hold the basket of his laundry heavily.

“Who?”

“I don’t know.” Jaejoong says that more like talk to himself “he just asking if you still live here… well, I guess that weird… oh by the way, he’s using walking sticks.”

Changmin raised one of his eyebrows suddenly when he heard about the walking sticks, is that mean the person that looking for him is someone that he just met downstairs. Someone who is actually looks so good—cute—adorable in his eyes. He is just curve his mouth weirdly before he looks downstairs and sighs “Okay hyung, thanks.”

All his way down, all he think is about who is exactly that person. Why he is find him? Because if the guy with the walking sticks that he met before is really actually the person that Jaejoong mean, then why when they’re meet he not say anything. It’s more feel like he doesn’t know him, like they’re a complete stranger.

Changmin still think about that when he open his letter box and take the mails from it. There are bunches envelope not like usual he close the letterbox of his and turn his heels away toward the stairs and heading back to his room as he slowly read the envelopes which are mostly bills. He just almost gets into the second floor when suddenly he stops walking. There in his hand, between his bills envelope there is this small green envelope without any writes on the front. He lost his breath for a little while. Suddenly his head is hurt and his mind is really full with this envelope. His hands is trembling while his feet is wobbly like it can’t supports his body. His throat suddenly hurt. With his trembling hand Changmin try to flip over the green envelope, and then he know if he’s right

Cho Kyuhyun

“Think Changmin! Think!”

He’s been ruffling his hair madly just a moment when he read the envelope. At that very moment he doesn’t even care to his other envelope that scattered around on the stairs just because he quickly open the green envelopes and read what inside it. The moment he found what writes inside. His mouth can’t stop to curve into smile and after that, he realize if this letter is being delivered by a person because there is no the address of the sender there.

He quickly run outside from the building and stand on the sideway in front of his front door. He turn his head from left to the right. He has a nice height which makes him easily to look for people in this condition, but then the sideway here is quiet empty, and he only spotted few people that walk here isn’t use any walking stick. He closes his eyes as he gritted his teeth while his hand is punching his head slowly when he tries to think to where he supposed to go now. His eyes suddenly open and he seems now where he supposed to go.

He runs. He’s running as fast as he could and thanks to the slight empty road because now he can arrives on the park near kindergarten on his neighborhood. He run around the little park until from his place he can spot a bus stops that empty but only one guy sit there.

He’s the guy with the walking sticks before.

A smile comes into his face and tears fall from his eyes at the same time. He walks closer to the bus station now, as his eyes never leave a figure that seems not realizing his presence yet. He can see how this guy is close his eyes as the wind blows around him. He also put this smile on his face while his head is moving slowly with the music that he might be listening now from his earphone. He is straightening up his feet on his sit position. His walking stick is over his laps as his hands are holding it there. Changmin stops right in front of him.

The guy is stops moving his head. He also lost his smile like he can feel something. Slowly but sure he opens his eyes and found out if someone is already stand in front of him. He takes off his earphone and slowly he pulls his feet so the man can move easily. He lifts his head only to find who this person is that stand in front of him. And surprisingly, this is the guy from the apartment before, but now, he has these tears on his eyes but a sweet smile on his face. He thinks, he knows what this mean

“Are you al—mmmhhh—“

He not finishing what he want to say toward this guy because suddenly he’s get down to the floor, kneeling, and kiss him right into his lips and cutting his words. He can feels that soft sweet lips that just smile at him on his which makes him close his eyes in constant when he feels drunks about it. No he not just drunk, but he also drawn in these sweet touch feeling. His body is numb for a second, and yes, Kyu knows, Changmin also feel the same right now.

Changmin broke the kiss slowly as he put his hands on Kyu’s face and feels the soft skin there. He smile to himself as he slips a laugh when he finally can see Kyu’s face that he never can imagine before, because yes he’s right, Kyu is just too perfect to be imagine. Kyu open his eyes slowly and all he can found next is the dark brown orbs that enchanting him. He lost his breath just for seeing it, but then he smiles, smiles very wide when he put his hands over Changmin’s that still on his cheeks. It’s feels warm and endearing.

“I think you… find me… well…” Kyu says slowly as he can feels his gaze is start to blurry with the tears on the corner of his eyes before it fall toward his cheeks and to Changmin’s hands.

Changmin just laugh there with no voice hearing what Kyu just says. He take off his hands from Kyu’s face and bring the other into his embrace as he hug him very tight like he wouldn’t ever let him go. Kyu just close his eyes when he feels the warm. He hides his head on Changmin’s crook and smell the cinnamon scent there. Changmin just sighs with a smile on his face that never leaves since the first time he read the small paper from the yellow envelope. He close his eyes slowly

“I know… and I don’t want to think about it anymore…”

I think I love you too

--- END ---

Bonus talk between Changmin and Kyuhyun~

“So why do you wait a year to give me a reply?”

“Well, because I guess I want to meet you in person, you know.”

“But why now? Why not the first or the second months after that?”

“Well… I don’t want you to look at me like Yoda…”

“…”

“… You’re too adorable… (Pinches Kyu’s right cheek)”

“Eerr, I think you are kind of Misanthropist sir?”

“I did, but then you change me… aren’t you also one of them?”

“These whole thing (pointing at his fake feet from knee down) also change my life”

(Smile) “Ah what a wonderful life” (laid his head on Kyu’s shoulder)

“Yyah! You’re heavy!” (try to take Changmin’s head away from his shoulder)

“I’m heavy because I'm full of your love… beside you can’t run away from me though…”

“…”

(Chuckles)

“What?”

“Nothing... (smile to himself and kiss Changmin’s head) I just love you so much…”

“Thank you… (Lift his head from Kyu’s shoulder and bring his face closer to Kyu who already start to close his eyes) … I love you too…”

(And they kiss until they’re out of breath)

--- BONUS TALK END ---

Honestly I always try to make sequel of the first story though, but the idea always stuck at the middle which makes me never doing that. And few days ago, suddenly this idea come into my mind so I just write it up into one shot. I'm sorry for the freaking long story.

Thanks for reading :))

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Comments

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Rismaaa #1 Dec 12, 2017 01:08:29

Chapter 3: This is sooooooo beautiful.. i just can't describe it.. aaaahhhh.... thank you so much for writing this fanfic..

Fatoom137 #2 May 31, 2017 19:14:55

Chapter 3: Asdfghjkl all three stories were amazing!!!
It's been soooo long since I read something this good and I'm usually a silent reader but I just had to say something here <333333

foodgame #3 Mar 9, 2016 08:45:06

Chapter 3: Chapter 3: Amazing amazing amazing chapter ! >.< i love these stories to the moon and back <3 and you, too! And words at the end of this chap are interesting!!!

asianluvr #4 Jun 18, 2015 19:02:15

Chapter 1: We'll how cute was that.

shion-chan #5 Jan 10, 2015 09:13:11

Chapter 3: nice chapter^^

JejeKyu #6 Jan 4, 2015 02:40:30

Chapter 3: some words are cutten. I dont know what word it is since i'm not so good in english... can you edit it and publish it again please??

JungMaeRi #7 Jan 4, 2015 01:06:32

Chapter 3: Lol dat weird moment wen u restart an entire stoey b4 realisin,"didnt i read dis already?" I eps liked d part at d end wit d girl who reads an write. 2 cute an 2 tru

Kurokami #8 May 19, 2014 02:08:41

Chapter 2: you makes my emotions goes up and down... i love both of your story...
kyaaa kyaaah~~~~
#though i actually thought that kyuhyun died#
thank god both of them end up happy ^^

nightzephyr8 #9 Apr 14, 2014 10:20:53

aaaaaaaa what a wonderful sublime story!
beautiful, really.
love love love your works dear author :)