Warning: First, This story actually freakishly long, and don’t sue me, I’ve warned you. Second, I haven’t read it back since it’s long, so,  sorry for the mistakes. Third, lately my English just getting since I’m using French more these days, beside I’m not a native in the first place, so sorry again. Anyway, happy reading~

 

 

--
Being of no power to make his wishes good, his promises fly so beyond his state that what he speaks is all in debt; he owes for every word.
--

It’s another morning when Kyu open his eyes and sighs tiredly. He just half open his eyes to find a blurry sight of his digital alarm on his bedside that shows him if it’s nearly eight in the morning. He close his eyes again after he push the top button of his alarm to shut it off. He need some more sleep.

A grunts escape from his dry lips when his mother shout for him from downstairs. He stir in his position and finally use his hands to support his body up and get into sit position. His room is already bright with the ray of light that get freely inside his room. He just open his eyes for a second or two, before he yawn, very wide one and rubs behind his head. He’s kind of dizzy.

His mom calls for him again, and he just nods in silent not even care if his mother actually can see it now. He just brings his feet down to the floor, let the coldness sent a jolt to his spine and makes him finally fully open his eyes. He looks down for his flippers, take it from under the bed before he finally out from the room toward kitchen.

The smell of freshly fried bacon with melted butter over hot pancake quickly get into his system and makes his belly grumbling loudly. He using his glasses that he take from his bedside before, and which he usually only use at home. Walking down the stairs in quiet rushing pace and finally stop into the doorway only to fine his sister with his little niece already sit on the dining table.

He just smile at them and give a motion with his chin, simple greet and take a seat just right across his sister, beside his niece who is already stuffing pancake into his mouth. Little Minho always eat so much even he’s only five years old, no wonder he’s slightly taller and good at sport especially football than other kids in his age. His sister only eat a small portion and take a sips of her herbal tea while her other hand hold a newspaper and read it in silent.

Three piece of pancake served on the plate in front of him. His mother is stand beside him as she put it on his plate, fresh from the pan. He say simply thanks at her and put honey on the top of it before dip his fork into the food. His mother joining him afterward, take a seat beside his sister and start the breakfast in silent.
It’s always like this almost every morning, well, not almost. Since his parents divorced, Usually there is only Kyu and his mother. His father already marries with another woman and live abroad. His sister already married, and they life uptown, but she still gives them visit every week-end, bring her child with and let Minho accompany his grandma while she take care of some business. 

“Alright Minho-ya, be good to grandma and to uncle Kyu, okay?” Kyu lifts his head from his already empty plate to find his sister already stand beside Minho and gives a kiss on the top of his head. She already has her coat on and her bag with, she ready to work “If you need anything just gives a call.”

Minho just nods as a good child as Ahra bid goodbye to Kyu and her mother and leaves from the front door. Minho already stay on the couch afterward, switching the TV on to some cartoon channel and watch it in silent.

Kyu stand on his feet and walk toward the sink just beside his mother who do the dishes. His mom just humming some random note before she finally said something. “I’ll bring Minho to the mall today, beside your aunt ask me to lunch. Do you want to come?”

“No thanks.” he said simply and dried his hands after rinse the plate and put it on the cupboard “There are some works I got to do.”

His mother just smile at him and put a hand on his shoulder before squeeze it lightly. She gives a meaningful look before both of them walk toward living room together toward Minho “You know Kyu, I’m actually never forbid you to loves your work. I mean, God, you loves your work so much.” his mother laughs slowly as they finally get to sit on the couch, where Minho actually already moves on the carpet in front of them “but, have you ever think about dating someone? I’m not forcing you, but, it just I never seeing you with a girlfriend again since Victoria.”

Kyu just silent before nods in unison. He just think about Victoria suddenly, about how she’s doing right now, is she’s already married, or is she still dating, or might be single? He doesn’t know, it’s been a long time since, six years already since the last time he contacted her. The picture of her smile toward him with her straight brown hair fall down through his waist get into his mind, but it kind of blur. He somehow forget the look on her face.

“Don’t work so hard Kyu. You need some times with friends too you know.” His mother squeeze his hands before she stand and walk toward her room after a smile. 
Kyu just sighs and lean his back on the couch. He watch the screen to where Finn is actually dancing with Jack on some random music that they make. He’s already watch this episode before, and he thinks about how his life just moving like that. He’s in work, he’s in house watching some cartoons, sleep, waking up and start all over again.

His thought being disturbed when suddenly the TV screen is off, and he looked at Minho who is actually already stand beside his mother who already use the coat. He finally stand on his feet to and walk them out from the house. He stop at the gate and sees how Minho waves his hand toward him from the opened car window, while his mom is driving on the other side. He just smile widely at the little guy and bid goodbye to them who leave and lost from his sight at the corner. He sighs to himself, before finally turns his feet away.

It’s winter, and the weather doesn’t seems so nice today. He ruffles his own hair again and he stop when he glance at the mailbox. He walk toward the red small box and open it before take the contain out of it. He walks in silent as shivers turns him to walk quiet bit faster and get inside his house quickly, lock the door behind and just toss the letter on the coffee table, he can check it later and decide he might need a warm bath right now.

--

Kyu raised his eyebrows as he take a sip of the orange juice that he pour from himself after the bath before. The questioning look on his face can be seen very clear as he empty the glass and put it on the table. The TV in the room is on, and he not give a damn to care if he actually turn it into spongebob squarepants right now. He’s n adult, but hey every man have a child soul inside.

It’s been like half an hour since his mother gone, twenty minutes for him to take a bath and ten minutes for him to sit there with a piece of paper in his hand while his mind just run of somewhere else. He even forgot to use the tee that he brought from his room and put on the couch. His hair still wet and water still dripping from the tip of his hair down to the ground or through his body. His eyes just focusing at the paper now. 

He’s checking the mail from before, and usually he wouldn’t be surprised with the bill of his mother credit card that not exploded like back when she still love to shopping because of stress with her marriage with his dad, no. This time, he’s being amazed by the letter that being sent to this house, and this is not the first time he thinks, this might be the... He doesn’t know, but he sure his mother ever told him about the wrong sent letter.

Being a professor in university, gives Kyu a slight knowledge about the contain of the letter, especially when it comes from Roses and Rue by Oscar Wilde. He’s teaching literature by the way, which makes him somehow, ever read the piece of this poem before, somewhere, old time ago. The thing that makes Kyu can’t understand is, why someone sent something like this, only a piece of the poem in such big paper? And why sent here?

He leans his back on the couch and look at the clock on the wall over the TV. It’s already almost an hour since his mother go, and he still not use his tee with a small towel around his neck. He holds still the paper over his lap before he thinks about another letter that come before. His mother must put it somewhere else.
He walk toward the kitchen, look over the fridge after he put the empty glass of orange juice into the sink. He tries to look over there, find a suspicious letter that usually his mother kept but there’s nothing. He only look around for once and then he sighs. Maybe his mother already take out or sent it back to the post office to gives it back at the owner.

Kyu looks back at the paper in his hand, and somehow it makes him wonder. 

Kyu already be a professor about two years now, and he’s been talking about so many literature before. His English is good, and his knowledge about literature also great, but he never get something like this. He ever think about maybe one day he might want to woo a woman with words of poem, words of beautiful writing, but then he never done that, because it never works with Victoria.

Victoria. The thought of her came back into him as he finally shakes his head to take rid of her from his head. In the end, he never tries to woo anyone with poems or quotes from books he reads. He just keep it for him and he wonder now, for whom this letter actually is.

Kyu look at the only name there which is Changmin, without family’s name or another hint. Even the address of the sender is not clear at the envelopes when he open it before. He get it now why his mother might throws the letter out before. 

He just walk back and slumped into his couch again. He look at the screen and toss the letter simply on the coffee table. He thinks this just as a prank of someone who just bored. Yeah maybe it is, as he just let himself get driven to the cartoon on the screen.

--
I remember we used to meet
By an ivied seat,
And you warbled each pretty word
With the air of a bird
--

He doesn’t know why he’s doing it right now, really.

Kyu now stand between the bookshelves, while his eyes are scanning through the ocean of old book that create an odd smell but enchanting for someone who likes book like him. The smell of old paper with the dim light from outside while the cold weather in winter only makes him wonder why he can forgot why he’s being here in the first place.

Actually it come again this morning, the letter that contain only few words of piece from poem. Something that he ever read before but he’s forgot from what book is, or who’s the author. He even can’t hint the title of it. He’s been make a big mess in his room when he takes out all his book from the shelves and check it one by one, wonder where the piece come from. His phone is off because he’s forgot to charge it this morning, he can use the internet though, write the piece up and the title will show, but it will ruin the sense, he believes.

He prefers to look up into thousand book to look it up at the internet. Well, internet is great, but book it’s better for him. 

It’s been almost an hour for him to stuck at the literature section around 19th century. He’s kind of sure if the poem come from that era, even he doesn’t get any hint to whom it belong. He just flipping some pages of book and not realizes if there already someone stand beside him looking at him questioningly but a smile plastered on his face.

“Can I help you?” 

Kyu startled a little bit and turns his head toward the man beside him who is smile softly at him. He looks at the hand of his where he hold a piece of paper that come from the letter before. It’s not the original one, he’s just written it again on some piece of paper which is smaller.
He looks at the man who use a simple green sweater with a brown jeans. Somehow he looks like Christmas tree, especially with his tall figure. The man still smile at him, he’s looking so familiar somehow, and Kyu wonder why he suddenly come at him and offering help.

“Well, I’m working here.” the man says suddenly, wait, Kyu thinking if he speak out of loud from his mind “and you’ve been at this section like, I don’t know, an hour?”

Kyu brings his head down and take a look at his watch at his left wrist. He then realized if the guy is right. He’s been in this section since his class dismissed an hour ago. He then lift his head up and found the man look at the shelves beside him, look far above toward the top shelves.

“Is there any certain citation or book that you’re looking for?” the man says without looking at Kyu but scanning at the shelves. Kyu finally sighs and he take the paper that he’s being hold all these times and shoves it toward the taller man by inches “Well, actually...”

The man brings his head down toward Kyu’s hand and take the paper from his hands that already wrinkled and just look like a garbage. The man read it in silent before he finally smile slowly by the corner in his mouth, more like smirk. He lifts his head and brings his gaze far away from the shelves around them, then he look back at Kyu.

“Well, it’s actually not come from a poem.” the man says simply “It’s come from a book, it’s a very good one. Come on.”

The man suddenly walk pass Kyu toward another section of literature. He’s not in the poem section but in the novel section. He then turn around at the 20th century section and suddenly get down to the floor as he scanning the shelves. Kyu follow the man behind and widen his eyes to see how the man moves quickly like he actually knows what he’s doing. Well, he’s working here after all.

Kyu just stop about a feet beside the man before follows to get down at the floor and look at where the man’s looking at. The man using his fore finger to touch the back of the book as he scanning it before his finger stop and take the book out from the shelves by his finger. He smiles widely and hold the book in his hand.
He handed Kyu the paper back, before he finally open the book, around the front pages of it, maybe still in the first chapter of it. The book itself already have yellowish color and the cover seems so old. Since Kyu is shorter from the man, he can hint the author of the book, and the title of it.

L’étranger by Albert Camus.

“Aujord’hui maman est mort, peut-être hier, je ne sais pas. 
J’ai reçu un télégramme de l’asile: «Mère décédée. Enterrement demain. Sentiment distingués.» Ce la ne veut rien dire.
C’était peut-être hier.”

Suddenly the man speaks in other language that Kyu can’t understand, but listen to it, he supposed it must be roman language, or something that come from Europe rather that English. He just listen to the man’s voice until he’s stop and smile again at Kyu. A smile that very wide and childish like despite his tall figure. 

The man stop reading and close the book, before he turns his attention back at the shelves and takes another one book from there. He guess it’s the same book like the one he already take before, but this one is actually in English. He then hand Kyu both of the book before stand on his feet and offer a hand toward Kyu to help him stand.

Kyu looks at the book first for a little while before he take the man’s hand and stand on his feet too, now with both book on his grip.

“The piece from your paper actually the English translation come from Camus’ first book. It’s one of the nice book if you want to learn about absurdism or even existentialism.” the man chuckles a little bit and tilted his head to his side “is there anything you need to find?”

“No actually, and thanks.” Kyu smile at the man without he realized it and hold both book slightly in the air as the hint. The man just nods and then turn his feet away from him. Kyu just look at his back for a little moment, before he slips words from his mouth without he realized it “wait!”

“Yeah?” the man stops and turns his body.

Kyu look at the man for a little while, and shakes his head afterward and smile “Nothing, just, again, thanks a lot.” The man slips a chuckle before leaves “Anytime...”

--

He’s been sitting at Living room with a book in his hands as he flipping through the pages and get drown into the words that written there. It comes from Guy de Maupassant, Le Horla that makes him get into his own world, not even care if it’s already silent in the house. Minho must be already sleep in his room with his friends, Taemin and Jonghyun.

A hand Placed on his shoulder and makes him turns his attention toward his side to where he found his mother already stand beside him with her sleepy eyes. She smile at him and the looks in her face is telling him enough if she’s asking why he hadn’t go to bed.

“The book is great.” he says simply but close it anyway after put the page holder there. He stand on his feet and put a hand around his mother before kiss her on the cheeks and walk pass through her toward kitchen to open the fridge.

“You’re looking happier these days. What’s going on?”

“Really? I don’t even know myself,” Kyu says simply as he take out a carton of milk and pour some at the glass. His mom is looking at him with her hand crossed in front of her chest and a smirk on her face “what? Really, there’s nothing.”

“I know.” her mother just laughs slowly and take a seat on the dining table “but I guess, you find something new isn’t it? Something interest you.”

Kyu tilted his head to one side, doesn’t get what his mother’s saying. He put the empty glass on the sink and join his mother on the dining table. Sit across her and put the book that he read before on the table. His mother glanced over at the book before back at him. “You found the sender of that letter?”

“No, I think I never will.” Kyu lean his back on his chair and sighs slowly “beside, I think he never want anyone to know him.”

“Yes, that’s what I thought at first.” His mother says suddenly which makes Kyu brings his attention back to his mother “but then I wonder why this person keep sending the letter here even this person know if we’re the new owner of the house.”

“What do you mean mom?”

“Just think of it. Think it very deep.” his mother says with a very serious tone “We’re moving at this house about six months ago, and then the house must be empty by two or three months before us, so this person should have known about it, isn’t it?”

That’s right, he and his mom just moves into this area about six months ago, and this house is already on sale about like months before that, so that mean this sender must know if the letter wouldn’t even be read. But why he still sent it? It just remind Kyu to the first time when he moves here and just found out bunches of letter on his mailbox which is ended being burn by his mother. Well, when he thinks about it now, it’s kind of cruel.

The point is, why this man still sent letter till now? That’s the big question, because he must know if other family actually already live at the house. The person that he meant to be received the letter not here anymore, but why this person still insist to sent bunched of letters? Why this person is bother to?

“Mom, when you burned the letters back when we move in here, are you have a chance to read it first?”

“No, I’m not read it even once, beside I guess, it’s not important anyway.” His mother just says simply and get up from her seat. She turns her feet to walk toward doorway and just to her bedroom and she talk to him without turning back “don’t sleep to late Kyu. And turn off the lights before you sleep.”

Kyu just nods even he knows his mother can’t see him. He just sees her gone to her bedroom before close the door behind. He once again sighs as he looks at the book on the table. He leans over toward the table and open the book, to nearly the last page only to find a piece of paper with a piece of poem there. He reads it inside his head as a smile form into his face without he realized it.

“... Changmin... What are you really want?”

--
But each morning, as she awoke, she hoped it would come that day.
--

It just another afternoon when Kyu is stand between the shelves, looking for someone while he hold a book in his hands. He’s glancing over from the shelves toward one of the table around the front door where a certain someone is sitting in front of the computer doing his job at the faculty’s library.

It’s been a months, since the first time he meet the man, and almost every week he come into this place to search a certain book from the citation or piece of poem that he gets from Changmin, the sender of the paper that he doesn’t even know what does this Changmin look like. He would love to asks help from the man that help him back with Albert Camus book. He doesn’t know why, but he feels kind of easy with that man.

Sometimes he would like to exchanges some words with the man, a simple one like asking the weather or the good book that recommended for him. He also sometimes talking about the others work and finally bid goodbye after a simple thanks or open it by hello. He doesn’t understand himself, but with this man, he feels kind at ease.

Maybe his mother is right when she says something take his interest, and maybe his mother will be surprised when she found out that it was a man not a woman this time. Or maybe his mom would be happy because finally he has friend to talk to or hangout with. 

Wait a minute, friend? Well, he never even talk properly with this man. God, he even doesn’t know who the name of this man is.

Kyu startled a little in his thought when suddenly he catch a figure of the man that all along in his mind. He lifts his head and smile awkwardly the moment he catches the man’s mismatched eyes because of his wide smile toward him. Come on, he know he can do better. He moves aside a little as he looks like he gives the man’s a way to walk pass him, but instead the man just on his place with a questioning look on his face.

“What?”

“Nothing.” he chuckles a little when he look at how confused Kyu is “you just spacing out for so long.”

“Am I?” Kyu asking with a slight of whisper, he still remember if they’re in library after all. The man nods his head and makes Kyu nods his head too. He then remember why he’s here in the first place and take out a piece of paper from inside his pocket then hand it to the man who take it from him “It’s new, help me?”
The man is smiling widely again after he looks at Kyu’s childish expression. He then give a sign with his finger for Kyu to follows him. This time they’re going into the new section that before, where they’re being lead into the graphic novel’s one.

The man stops suddenly and turns his head for Kyu in the moment before look back at the shelves. He hold his hand up to take a book from the top of the shelves. He’s kind of tall, and that makes him easy to take the book from there.

Kyu lost in his space again. He looks at the figure in front of him and somehow it’s remind him of himself. He always wonder how it would be to pull a book from the top of the shelves for a woman that he loves. He always want to do that toward Victoria, but  that woman hate to visit library. Again, Kyu wonder why he’s even dating her back then?

It’s been six years after that, and he never have any girlfriend again since. It’s because he’s busy with his studies, his own world, and his own job. His free times he using it to visit library like this, or just simply accompany his mom to some places. He’s already almost twenty seven years old, have a good look, enough money, and nice job,but he’s still single.  

He somehow feels nausea to think about his apathetic life.

“You okay?” Kyu snapped his head up and look at the man who has his face so close toward him. Close enough until makes him can look at the dark brown orbs which the man actually have “you lost again.”

“I’m fine.” he laughs a little “Just think of something.”

The man nods at Kyu words. He buys it. He then handed Kyu a book with a very weird cover he ever seen, but again it’s graphic novel, it’s normal. Kyu take the book from the man and look at the title of it which is written Epileptic, a book by David B. He then smile to himself before he look at the man who is actually scanning through the shelves. He looks at something. “Is there anything that you need?” 

“No, thanks.” Kyu answer simply as finally the man look back at him with a knowledgeable nods and slowly, very slowly turns around. He start to leaves “Wait!”

“Yes?” the man turns his feet quickly, like he actually waiting for Kyu to just stops him from walk away. 

Kyu raised one of his eyebrows with this. He then brings his head down when he thinks about what he about to say. He rubs behind his head awkwardly while speak in very low tone “Well, do you want to... I mean, do you like...”

“Huh?” The man getting closer to where Kyu stand is he look down at him who still has his head down “I’m sorry what do you say?”

Finally he said it in one shot, not caring the other get it or not “Doyouwanttocatchsomecoffeeswithmesometimes?”

It’s a long pause after that. The library is so quiet which makes Kyu low tone seems very loud in his own ears. His mind keep repeating his words inside like running in circle and can’t going anywhere. He hold the book tight in his hands while he still looking down. Maybe the man doesn’t get what he said at all. He just being stupid after all.

“How about tomorrow at 5p.m, at the coffee house near the town park beside the florist?”

Kyu lifts his head in second and found the man laughs softly at him and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes mismatched again, and that makes something inside Kyu’s stomach flipped for the first time. And really that feels very weird but in a very good way. He opens his mouth about to says something, but being cut by the man “See you tomorrow then, Kyu.”

The man wave his hand in the air as he take a few steps backward and finally turns away and walks leave him. He’s not questioning it if the man knows about his name, beside he’s working here anyway, which is making Kyu walks his feet and tries to follow the man’s pace.

“Kyuhyun.” Kyu finally says it which makes the man turns his body and stops for a little while and looks at him “My name is Cho Kyuhyun.”

“I know.” the man smile simple “and I’m Changmin. Shim Changmin.”

And the man is turning his body again and keep walking, only leaving Kyu with his jaw drop without looking behind.

--

Et la mer et l’amour ont l’amour pour partage
Et la mer est amour est l’amour est amer...
--

It just like what they already talk about, around 5p.m on the coffee house near the town park next to the florist at town. Kyu come on time this time. He’s been waiting across the street, waiting at the park since around four and across the road as just a minute to go to five to only fine Changmin already inside the place with his earphone on.

They order the coffee. Changmin like the strong one, he ordered Caramel Macchiato while Kyu only ordered a decaf, it’s enough for him to sleep late almost each night to scoring paper of his students. Changmin also ordering some biscotti for them, and a cheese cake, and quiche. Somehow, Kyu wonder how much food Changmin could eat with his kind of skinny body.

The whole situation just driven with ultimate silent, really. Most of the time, Changmin would just focusing with his food, while Kyu would lean at his chair and put his hand at the armrest while his head turn at the window to stare at the park across them. He will just let his eyes traveling enough to see the white surface all over the place, since it’s winter, and tomorrow already new year. Well, time goes by really fast this year.

“So, actually you really like books I supposed.” Changmin takes Kyu attention as he sips his macchiato. He glance from his cup only to find Kyu swift in his seat and smile at him “which one do you like most?”

Kyu thinking about it for a little while. He’s been read so many books as professor of literature in University. He’s been readings so much great books since he was only student years ago. Since he was just a child, his dad like to reads him books before he drift to sleep. Somehow he wonder, what kind of book he really like.
“I don’t know.” he just spill it out simply “I guess, every book is good, I love all of them.”

“Really? that’s nice.” Changmin lean in his armrest, use his right hand to supported his head as he tilted his head to one side “so what about the citation? You lately bring citations to find a book.”

The smell of melted sugar and turns into caramel fills the air. The warm feeling of hot coffee mixed with herbal tea and honey and lemon get into his system and he’s thinking what he supposed to say. People chatting behind, laughing fill the air as their conversation faded and lost with the time. 

Kyu looks at Changmin for a moment, before he looks more at behind him, to the red bricked wall to find his answer that actually gives him nothing. Actually he has something in his mind, but he, somehow can’t spill it out. Like his throat out of nowhere hold his words and his lips just tightly closed, while his mind is screaming the words inside.

He’s been thinking about this all night long since yesterday, about Changmin. No, not in weird way, but in the way of any possibilities that Changmin in front of him now is the same Changmin that keep sending citation and piece of poems into his house. Without an address, without any explanation. Just citation in a very quiet wide words inside envelope. He just wondering to spill it out, but he can’t. His eyes back toward Changmin that still in the same exact position just like when he asks him before. Kyu clears his throat for a while and somehow it’s really dry which makes him take a sip of his decaf first before answering “I’m actually a professor. I’m teaching literature.”

“No way!?” Changmin get straight in his seat and he looks so much surprised, something that Kyu not expect despite he just tell him the truth “wow! I mean wow.”

“Why? Is that really surprised you? Because I found that job is not cool enough like an astronaut.”

“No, I mean, yeah, astronaut is pretty cool.” Changmin laughs more to himself “but I just can’t figure it out if you’re a professor, I mean you look more like other student there.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” Changmin says simply and take the last sip of his coffee “so you’re a fresh graduate I supposed.”

“Actually no.” Kyu amused by this conversation, because somehow, he believes he makes the other much surprised with the fact of his life “I’m graduate for my master degree four years ago, and just decide to start teaching like two and half years ago. I’m twenty seven by the way.”

Changmin widen his eyes suddenly and he put his empty cup down “Seriously? No way! I’m twenty seven too.”

The chat goes by so easily after that. They talking just like an old friend that being separated after they finished high school and meeting again for reunion after years of work. They not really pay attention toward the time and how the snow is getting thicker on the ground, and fall quiet heavier from the skies.

It’s around ten when finally they must leave the place, beside tonight is New Year’s eve and the coffee house need to close early, which makes them ended to walk at the street together. They still talking under the falling snow. The road is still crowded despite the place is getting colder. People gather around at the town park, tend to celebrate the new year’s even together there. Both of them just headed there without they realize it. Take a seat on one of the bench as they keep talking about things.

They would change the subject one or two about the people around the place, about the parents shouldn’t brings their children at this kind of cold place to celebrate the eve. Sometimes they would talking about the couple at the place, how they would ended up kissing into each other at midnight. And somehow, that talks get into Kyu’s mind for once.
He’s been thinking about how long it’s been since hehas someone with beside his mother on new year’s eve. Even last year he just celebrate it alone with his students paper to be noted because his mother sleepover at his sister house uptown. He just realized it if he really is living a pathetic life. The last girlfriend he had is Victoria, even himself forgot why he dating and broke up with her in the first place right now.

Back in the old days, he always imagining to have someone beside him when new years eve. God, that really is his dream just right when he hit puberty. Yeah that must be, because he dreamed to be with someone and kiss her right at midnight after doing a countdown together, but he never has a chance to do that.
Yes, he’s dating Victoria for like five years, and that’s great by the way. He had kissed her before, but it’s like she’s barely there to kissed him back. Beside he also know that she actually accepting him because of family issue between their parents. So when his parents actually divorce, not long after that, he also ended up his relationship Victoria. Ah, now he remember why he date and broke up with her in the first place.

“... Because we are human?”

Kyu back into reality and turns his head toward Changmin who already has his head up and look at the skies which is deadly dark, but without stars can be spotted because of how strong artificial lights from town is. “I’m sorry?”

“I ask...” Changmin stops for a moment before he closed his eyes and let the snow fall through his face that still lift up proudly “Are we human because we gaze at the stars or do we gaze at them because we are human?”

Kyu follows Changmin lead. He lifts his head up too, looking at the dark sky that somehow not that too bright because of the artificial light on the town. He looks at the clouds that also covering the skies. Slowly he let his eyes closed, let the pieces of snows touches his skins and melted away by the heat of his body. He let the darkness in his eyes answer him.

“I don’t know.” he says with a whisper but loud enough for Changmin to hear it “because right now I can’t see any of the stars.”

A chuckles makes Kyu open his eyes and only to find Changmin laughs beside him which he tries to hold with the back of his hands. He look at the taller from his side and he can spotted the red shade in his cheeks because of the cold. Changmin still closed his eyes, but he’s still laughing too.

Kyu just ready to ask Changmin why he is laughing when suddenly the people that gather around start the new year’s countdown. He looks at the ocean of people that hold their hands in the air as they shouting their counts into the wide screen that being provided by a famous restaurant in town for the countdown. They start it from fifteen to one.

“I guess this is it.” Changmin says as he just lean down to the bench “two guys sit on the bench waiting for the new years to come, while in front of them bunches of woman just free to be kissed.”

“Do you want to go there and find someone to be kissed at midnight?” Kyu says quickly while he looks from Changmin to the people that already count at nine “we can go there and find someone if we want. It’s still nine actually, we have like eight second left.”

“Nah, I’m good.” Changmin closed his eyes and let his head fall at the back of the bench. Let the snow hit his head “beside it’s just new year, its mean nothing. If you want to fine someone just go, I’ll be right here.”

Kyu look the people again for the last time. They already reach five at their countdown before he looks back at Changmin and just decide if he will not go anywhere too. He just makes sure he’s comfortable in his seat and lean back in the bench, copying Changmin position beside him before closing his eyes and let his head fall back. Few snows even fall down on his face again.

Changmin open his right eye to glance over at Kyu who is actually beside him, do the exact thing like he does which only makes him smirks slowly “You don’t have any urge to kiss someone at midnight?”

“Nope, I’m good.” Kyu answers without open his eyes “beside new year is . I’m just getting old.”

Cheers can be heard come from the people that gather around. Sounds of fireworks exploded in the skies is really loud in their ears. Some trumpets, music and words of grateful fill the air in that parks. For some reason the smell of booze and burns from the fireworks somehow can be smell clearly now.

Kyu still closes his eyes when that happen. He doesn’t need anything too makes him sure enough if he just getting old again this year. He still closed his eyes and the sound of joyful around him take him away from the world, until suddenly he feels kind of warm in his left hand. He opens his eyes quickly and found if Changmin’s hand is hold his and it’s really warm. He doesn’t expect to like that.

“At least I know...” Changmin stated with still in his position but he already open his eyes and look at Kyu with a look that he can’t quiet explain “... This year, I’m not by myself at new years eve.”

Changmin just smile like he always does before he close his eyes again and brings his head back into the first position. Kyu just stay in his position, once or twice he would glance over into their hands. His hand that being hold by Changmin. Something is flipping again inside his stomach, and this time is kinda wildly and it makes his chest also feels weird and his mouth suddenly dried. 

Kyu just back into his position again, look at the skies above, wondering what he should thinking about to take his mind of the holding hands thing. In the end he just let his eyes closed while his stomach still feels weird and his cheeks somehow kind of warmed up than usually do.

--

It’s two days after new years and Kyu stuck with the paper that he must read from his students. He’s been locked up inside his room. He just get out for food and well, watching some cartoon with Minho for a couple hours, and then he will back upstairs and do his work as professor just like a monk in the highest mountain in Tibet.

His mother would like to stop by at his room, asking him if he actually need anything and somehow there are a hint of curiosity in her words about what happen actually with him. She already asking him what happen at new years eve, because that time he home nearly dawn with, well, she said, he get a fever like judged from his red face when he’s home. He also refused to tell anything toward her which makes her kind of curious what is actually really happen to her son. She not force him to explain, no, but she just want to makes sure if there is nothing bad happen to her son. She understand if her son need some privacy sometimes, which makes her just let her son be and just wait until the time when finally he will talk to her about what actually happen, and spill it all out.

Kyu on the other side just need something to distract his mind from Changmin a little while. Honestly he doesn’t even know why. 

There’s nothing happen after that. They just holding hand and talk and spent the new year’s eve together, just that, but he feels something else. He doesn’t know what is that, and he doesn’t know if Changmin feels it too or not, which makes him worried to face the other next time they’re meet. He somehow worried to what he going to feel when he near the other next time. The thing he’s pretty sure is, it’s not going to be good for his health.

Another thing that he need to get his mind of from something is, another letter come again today. And that from Changmin, yes. Changmin sent another short poem again this morning, and it’s apiece from O Henry, The Lullaby Boy. Kyu already read that piece so many times in college which makes him no need to find where the piece come from in the library because he already know, but the thought of Changmin that being the one who sent it, makes him really need a distraction.

Again, he thinks about it this morning, about what that pieces meant to. That impossible that Changmin knows if he’s living here. That can’t be true, even back at the new year eve, Changmin not walk him home, so that’s impossible that he knows about that. So that’s what get inside Kyu’s mind all this time. Why he still sent it despite the fact that the one he sent at not here anymore? Or maybe it is meant to be sent at Kyu.

Kyu stop his writes on the piece of paper that supposed to be a small note for one of his student. Suddenly his cheeks heating up and he can’t think anything else beside the thought of Changmin actually sent those piece for him. He’s been imagining it back before, about he’s wooing woman with citation and poems, but he never thinking about he’s being the one that being wooed. The thought of Changmin and his letter only makes Kyu buried his face deep in his hand on the table. 
He needs to go outside. Giving note to his students’ paper no longer help him to distract his mind.
.
.
.
Choosing mall at this holiday is one of the worst choice Kyu ever think of. The mall is  so crowd with people hunting holiday sale especially woman, there are so many kids running along all over the place with some food in their hand, and Kyu can see how the fathers has this dead-tired look in their eyes. Perhaps because they’re the sane one on the family. 

Kyu just moving around alone, his mother is visiting his sister and sleepover there since yesterday, which left him alone in the house with nothing else to do. He just walks around with his backpack and just stop in front of a shop. Looking at the winter sweater and the spring one from Prada. He might want to buy that one later when his next paycheck out. He still focusing at the sweater when he feels a pat on his shoulder and makes him turns his body around only to widen his eyes and his mouth agape like fish in the tank.

The person that pat him on the shoulder is one of those millions people in the world that he never expect to meet again after all these years.

“Kyu?” thee other says slowly with a smile on her face.

“Victoria. Hi!?” and then they’re hugging tightly.
.
.
.
The tea in front of him is forgotten as his eyes is fixed at the woman across him that talked around about how when actually already getting married with this man, well, he forgot who his name was, who is actually a foreigner. Well, his husband come from Thailand, and she already spill about how they’re actually meet, but he doesn’t give a damn, so he doesn’t know how.

She’s look so different now. He means it. Now Victoria has this cut slight curly hair that end around her shoulder. She also look more thin that before and her skin is getting whiter that six years ago. She use a light makes up that shows her beauty more naturally. And somehow, she’s more polite that back then.

She’s living uptown with his husband, and they already has a daughter. She said about how happy she is, and glad that they’re broke up, well, Kyu glad about that too. She also tell about how sorry she is about the divorce of my parents even when they already divorced, she’s there. But again, he just listening too her after all.
“So, Kyu, tell me about you.” Victoria says simply as she use the straw too sip her guava juice “Is there any man already?”

Kyu chokes in his drink and almost spurts it out on Victoria’s face if he has no good control over it. In the end, he just hit his chest a few times before coughing for a few moments and wipes the corner of his mouth with the tissue over the table. His head kind of dizzy with the sudden reaction. He lifts his head to look at the cause of all of this, which is calmly waiting for his reaction.

“What do you mean by ‘any man’?”

“What? Aren’t you gay?” Victoria says it simply like it a fact that everyone already knows “I thought you are, that’s why we broke up.”

Kyu about to say something else when her words hit him “Wait, what?”

“Yeah, six years ago, we broke up because I thought you’re gay.” she shrugs her shoulder simply like it was nothing weird between her words before she continue “so if you’re not are you bi?”

Kyu lost his words. He’s totally speechless and just open his mouth weirdly while his expression shows how much he’s confused right now. His eyebrows twitched and his head is kind of dizzy with all of this. He really doesn’t understand what’s actually happen now, or six years ago. 

Victoria seems get his words that stuck somewhere by his expression which makes her chuckles and put her glass down “So you really is forgot, aren’t you?” she lean back at her chair “Back then, when we’re dating, you always talking about boys. Remember Jung Yunho? Captain from Basketball team? You’re totally head over heels for him.”

“What? Why? How?” Kyu just spill out question that he doesn’t even know for what “No way. I mean, How come?”

“It’s from your sight Kyu, I think anyone who sees that will know about it constantly.” She says as she closed her eyes for a moment like she tries to remember those moment “you always look at those you like with the eyes of love. You even blushing and turn awkward around those boys. You never like that around me. I am more like your sister comparing to them.”

“We were dating back then, right, and we do like what other couple do, but that’s never works isn’t it? There’s never the filling. You’re not feeling it, and so do I in the end.” Victoria open her eyes and look at Kyu with a very meaningful look, but somehow lost “I mean, yes, I liked you, a lot, but then the reality hit me hard especially when that Library guy come up.”

Kyu tilted his head to his side “Library guy? What do you mean?”

“Sophomore year at college, you always has this sight for that art student that always visited Library, you don’t remember? Well, that’s one of the reason why I hate to go to Library with you.” Victoria lean over at the table, put her hands over it and support her head by chin there as a wide smile appeared on her face “I guess, your heart is already belong to him, like, always.”

Kyu widen his eyes as he just tries to absorb every details that he just get from his ex-girlfriend that he thought never love him, but it seems like he’s the one that never love her. He brings his head down and look at under the table where he can spotted Victoria’s gray boots. He just stare at it for a little while and tries to get the light itself from inside his mind.

Is he really is gay?

Back then in high school, the first time he meet Victoria, he never think about that. Yes, Victoria is pretty, and he’s handsome, and they’re a great couple back then. But is it true that it’s just an illusion? He can’t remember very well how gay he is back then if what she said is true, but the deeper he think about it, the hurt it feels when reality slap him in the face.

Suddenly the picture of him always looking at Jung Yunho back then in high school get into his head again. How he never missed his league and how he would steal time in class to see he’s practicing at the court. There is also Lee Sungmin, his senior in high school that take much his attention because he’s bunny look like. Beautiful man Kim Jaejoong and so many names suddenly popped out into his mind.

And the library guy, yes, that guy happen few months before he and Victoria broke up. That is one of the an that makes Kyu come into Library almost the time, looking for a book that he rarely read even he’s a literature student. Well, at the first place, he actually more into linguistic one, but then the presence of this man is actually change him into literature one. Without he realizes it, Kyu always read every book that the man picked. He was always borrowing the one that just being returned by the man which make his literature note higher than linguistics one. 

He’s the one that turns him like this now. And he’s the one that makes his relationship with Victoria’s ended. He’s the one that makes Victoria assumed if he’s gay.

But is he?

“Am I really gay?”

Kyu says really low this time, almost whisper, but Victoria still can get it. She’s stir her juice with the straws in her glass before take a sips of it slowly. She wipe the corner of afterward and clears before speaks slowly “I don’t know. Do you have any girlfriend after we broke up?” Kyu shakes his head a little, like he actually knows what’s the answer is “but well, it’s still doesn’t prove anything.”

Kyu just wait at Victoria who is taping her fingers at her chin slowly. She’s looking at the window toward the shops around the mall that full of people and somehow just bizarre. Her eyes look so sharp, and lost again. She must be thinking about something.

“Hey Kyu, do you ever feels it again?”

“What?”

“Those kind of weird feeling like the one when you told me about the art student, I mean Library guy.” Victoria sighs slowly and turns his gaze back at him “you ever told me about you feels something flipped inside your stomach, and that’s killed you.”

He remember something suddenly.

His mind suddenly drives back into the days when the first time he feels something like that, to those years when he still only a student in college. He remember it clear a smile that come into his eyes when the art student that takes his attention helps him with the literature book that he can’t reach back then in the top shelves of literature section. He remember the smile of that art student, so bright and enchanting, even makes his heart thump madly and his breath hitched in his throat.
It’s been years ago, until suddenly he’s been driven back into an event of days ago, when Changmin help him in Library. When he’s asking Changmin for joining him in a cup of coffee, when those smile driven his stomach back at those time in college and he realized it’s not healthy for him. Especially after the holding hand thing at new year’s eve. 

The reality hit him hard, and it is really pain in the .

“I am gay, aren’t I?” Kyu says suddenly like he just knows about it and it’s really makes him get into the real world “Vic, I am gay, aren’t I?”

Victoria just smile knowingly. She slowly takes his hands on her and squeeze it slowly “Just promised me one thing.” she looks at him in the eye and continue “if you ever fall with someone, just don’t regret it, and don’t hate yourself for being slightly different.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re crying back then, cried a river over this art student when you find out he’s already has a girlfriend. You doesn’t realized back then why you cry, but your eyes always look at him from afar.” she is sighs but smile softly “that’s the moment I break up  with you, so I guess I given you a reason to others why you’re crying.”

 

The picture of it hit him back again. He remembers it now why he always hate the broke up moment with Victoria. The fact is, it’s not because of her, but it’s because another woman that take the heart of the man that he liked. He always thinks broke up with Victoria is one of the worst thing that happen in his life, but it comes out because of he tries to hide the fact of being gay. He tries to stops any possibilities inside himself. He realized it now why he never has any girlfriend after Victoria, it’s because he never into girl at all.

Yes, he’s really is gay.

“I’m sorry...” Kyu says suddenly and put his hands over Victoria’s and squeeze it slowly “I didn’t mean to hurt you back then, I’m... I’m...”

“It’s okay.” Victoria cut his words and take her hands away slowly. She’s still smiling, and now, there is a look of proud and satisfied forming in her face “beside, now I already happy with my life. I have a very lovely husband and a daughter, so I need nothing else than other happiness.”

Victoria’s phone suddenly ring from her pocket which makes her need to take it. She talks with someone on the other line with a quiet strange language, perhaps that is her husband. When the call is ended she stand on her feet and take her purse with. She use her coat and leaves some money on the table before kiss Kyu in the cheeks. She bid her goodbye to him. 

“Just live your life the way you believes it Kyu.” she smile softly at him “you know how to contact me right? If you need anything just call me, even it just a talk.”
Kyu nods slowly as he looks at her leaving the place. She even stops for a moment in front of the window, waves her hands for him before continuing walking toward the ocean of people outside. Kyu just leaves alone afterward, which makes him ended slumped into his seat even more, only to thinking what is actually just happen toward him.
.
.
.
He’s thinking about how stupid he actually is when he almost misses the last train tonight. He’s been in the mall for almost like four hours after the talk with Victoria, and forgetting about the last train that is actually around ten at night. If it’s not because he’s running through toward the underground, he might need some luck to get a taxi, or he can sleep at station if he want. Cursing himself for not brings his car this afternoon.

He’s been standing behind the yellow line at the third Peron the train will come around in two minutes. By living downtown that’s mean he needs about half an hour to get his destination, well, not that bad, despite the fact that he still to take a cab from the station downtown to his house. Glad his mother wasn’t home, or she will interrogate him with ocean of question.

Speaking of his mother, what she actually will react when he said that he’s gay. He never think about that before. Beside, if he’s gay that mean he can’t gives her a grandchildren. The family tree of Cho suddenly ended in him because his sister already change her name into Choi after married to her husband.

Kyu get into the ground in second, put both hands on his hair as he turns it into such a big mess than it already has. There’s not many people left at the station at this late, so he doesn’t really care at those eyes that might look at him right now because of what he’s doing. Don’t blame him because his dizzy head, there are so many things that he get in one day as a realization of his life. 

“Kyuhyun?”

Kyu stops ruffling his head when he hears someone calls him from his side. He can see the pair of Nike air max beside him which makes him lift his head only to find Changmin to stand beside him, a little bit lean down so he can look at his face closely. He has this questioning look at his face. Right, Kyu just get down on the floor and ruffling his own hair madly, of course he’s looking weird at him.

“What are you doing down there?” Are you okay?” 

Kyu not answering Changmin but just bring his head down and look straight to his front where all he can see is the wall of the tunnel. He doesn’t bother to stand or glance at the other when he finally answer the question “I’m fine, well, not really, I mean, I’m just messed up.”

“Well I can see that.” Changmin suddenly get into the ground beside him. Kyu glance over at him and found if Changmin also follows his act by ruffling randomly at his own hair and makes it such a big mess, even it’s not messier than him but it’s messy enough. Changmin hair is straight anyway, while he’s kind of wavy and easily messed.

“What are you doing?” Kyu chuckles a little bit when he looks at Changmin’s look like now, with his messed hair and a goofy smile on his face once when he’s done.
“Nothing, I’m just being messed up with you.”

Kyu’s breath hitched for a moment “Why?”

“Because being messed up alone is .” he just answer simply like it is a fact that everyone already know.

A flip in his stomach makes Kyu quickly bring his gaze off from Changmin. He just look at the ground suddenly and keep silent, tries to control his heartbeat that suddenly get crazy and how something warm creeping up to his cheeks through his neck. He’s glad that he’s messed up his hair. At least, his messed up hair help him to cover half of his face.

And he also realized, he should figure this flipped things inside his stomach means soon.

--
Love, she thought, must come suddenly, with great outburst and lightnings—a hurricane of the skies, which falls upon life, revolutionizes it, roots up the will like a leaf, and sweeps the whole heart into the abyss.
--

It’s been three days since Kyu is visiting the Library and he can’t find Changmin. Actually it’s not that kind of necessary anyway, because the citation this times comes from the books that he already knows, but again, somehow he finds little bit nice to feels those weird feeling inside when he visiting the library.

It all happen back then when he met Changmin at the underground. It comes up that Changmin has a cousin upstate and he liked to gives the older a visit whenever he has a time. He said, he needs free meals since his cousin is actually a chef. He’s sit along beside Kyu along the ride. They talked about few things and it only makes Kyu getting clearer.

The feeling inside him is something that he can’t runaway from. He knows that, and Victoria is right about it. He remember it by now about how it really feel back then and what he really feel right now and both of them feels the same, but this one right now, is worse.

Sitting beside Changmin means if their body get really close, and once in awhile their shoulder or side could be bumped into each other, and whenever that happen, Kyu would flinched and his breath would hitched. Along the way he feels his cheeks heated up and it’s maybe just because the cold, but kind of mixed up with the nausea inside him. His stomach really hurt, and those kind of reaction only ended up with Changmin gives him his shawl, and lingered it around his neck.

Kyu can’t says he’s hate it, no, it would be one of the biggest lie he ever done in his life, but seeing Changmin very close to his face, the moment he put the shawl around his neck, make him whimper in silent. His body is shivers with horror as he realized hos stupid he must be if he thinks Changmin will return his feeling. He’s a little bit different after all, and that’s no way, a good looking guy like Changmin does interest with a man. With him.

Kyu walk toward the table near the front door for gives the book that he want to borrows. He handed it to a young woman with a short mop hair that smile at him and take his book to be checked up. He waiting at her as she do her business, but once in a while, he realizes if she’s been steal a glance at him.

“You’re Cho Kyuhyun, professor of modern literature right?” Kyu look at the young woman that might be a students here, or she’s might be one of his student, but he can’t really remember it. He just nods and smiles as the answer, and she is smile even wider “you really is have a nice taste of book.”

Kyu look at the young woman with a curios look in his face “you know, the only person that I found have a similar taste like you is Changmin oppa.” the young woman says with a smile while she look at the computer screen in front of her “somehow, you always borrows every books that he just reads like a day or two right before you.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah sure. He just finished Huckleberry’s Finn like three days ago, and now you borrows it.” Kyu take the yellow covered book from the woman who smile simply “the same thing also happen to all others books that you that you borrow though.”

Kyu goes silent for a while. He then thinking about the actual reason he borrows all those book. In the first place he borrows those all because of the letter that being sent to his house, and since sometimes he doesn’t have the actual book, he would borrows it and read it anyway, but then why suddenly Changmin come up into this, its still become a mystery for him.

A month already passed since Changmin help him for the first time, but he never has any courage to ask the other if he’s the one who sent the letter to his house at all. He really need to ask him later. Yeah, he must.

“By the way.” Kyu take the young woman attention who lifts her head from the computer screen “where’s Changmin? I haven’t sees him in awhile...”
“Ah, he’s need to fixed something up. Beside it’s almost a year since his fiancee died last year.”

Something flipped inside Kyu stomach, but this time is not that good like the one time when Changmin hold his hand or when he put the shawl around his neck. This feeling is something more like a flipped that bad to be feels at. 

Without saying thank you, Kyu just hold the book tight in his grip and turns his heels away as fast as he could, leaving the young woman that look at him questioning his sudden reaction but let it go as he’s gone by the door. He’s pace getting faster in the ground, his head down and he already ore than once bumped into other people on the way toward his room. His sight is blurry, and he not really like what he heard after all.

In the end he knows, Changmin would never like man. He would never like him.

--
I want to sleep. I want dreams to pull me from this world and makes me forget.
--

The weather today is quiet nice, and Kyu been sitting at this bench ever since this morning. Let his eyes only looking at the white surface of snow that still covering the town while his ears is plugged by the earphone that connected to his iPhone. Let the classic British indie music get into his system while all he’s doing is only zoning out.

Today is February 3rd, and he officially turns twenty seven today. His mother greeted him this morning on his room, gives him a kiss on both cheeks before hugs and serves a cake that his sister brought. Even little Minho gives him a present this morning. There’s a family breakfast in the house, his sister’s husband also come to join him before finally they’re all gone to visit his aunt out of town. His mother ask him if he want to join them, but he refuses. 

He’s here now, sitting on one of the bench in town park. A certain bench where he passes his new year a month ago. But now, he’s alone, with only his phone to accompany him. Kyu never visit the library anymore, the last time he does is only to return back Huckleberry’s Finn after two days he borrows it. He already finished it anyway. 

Kyu never think about searching the book anymore, searching where the citation the being sent to his house before or just visiting the library to find a certain someone. The letter already stopped quiet long, well, almost two and half week to be exact. Especially after one day, he writes on the sticky note and put it in front of the mailbox. Unnamed, but he’s sure, the sender of the letter get the meaning of the messages and that’s why he stop sending the letter. Another thing is, Changmin also suddenly gone.

It’s feels weird at first, when the time Kyu visiting the library Changmin isn’t there. Usually he would gladly help him with books, find the citation together and  help him to reach the top of the shelves, but then the moment he finally stopped visiting it, it’s feels normal. He never sees Changmin anymore, not even in university’s area. Sometimes he would meet the taller guy in the canteen or just on the hallways, exchange greeting and walks away before continue to where they’re left at the library, but suddenly he’s gone.

His life suddenly back into the first routine where he would just get lost into his job and let the works drown him away. He would just get downstairs to watch cartoon and get meals that his mother made. His mother must realized his behavior that back to dullness again, which resulting her to ask him about what actually happen, and again, he’s just get back silent and refused to talk about anything. He can’t tell his mom he has a feeling for a guy. He has feeling for every guy.
It does, and it somehow just hit him. 

Kyu just realized how he’s so gay, and being so stupid for not realizing it. He realized if he always attract with his co worker at university, or few of his student before. And once in awhile he would had this bad chest feeling when he around them, but he always shoves it off until the moment with Changmin come into his life. Changmin come into his life and makes him realized if he’s actually gay, and suddenly he’s gone like a smokes that faded in the air. 

It just not fair.

Kyu just sighs slowly as he look down at the snow where he spotted a pair of shoes already placed in front of him. He then realized he’s already sees this shoes before which only makes him lifts his head and found a mismatched eyes that look at him while a wide smile plastered on his face perfectly.

“Hi!”

It’s Changmin, stands in front of him, with few snows over his hair and he take a step forward so their gap is only a feet apart. A warm feeling start to come up again inside his stomach. It’s feels kind of nice, and somehow he missed that feeling. But this time, he hate that for come up.

“... Hi Changmin...” but he still smiles at him anyway.
--

They sit at the same place at the same position with the same view like the new year’s eve before. Changmin would just let his arm lean n the armrest as he his hand to support his head and look at Kyu, while Kyu is avoiding his gaze by looking outside, at the falling snow that layered the ground very well.
They order the same thing like the last time they’re here. Kyu with his decaf and Changmin with his macchiato, but this time Changmin not order those bunches of food like before. He just simply drinks his coffee and will turn quiet afterward.

The ailent around them is really thick, like they’re creating a thick wall from the silent itself and makes the sound around them can’t even be heard by their ears. The smell of coffee just hit their system like the usual, but the warm inside the room, still can break the cold around them. Kyuhyun actually doesn’t know what he supposed to say, and he cursed Changmin inside his head for just being silent and not helping him at all while he landed his gaze at him like always.

He’s been talking with Victoria before about this. He gives her a call and ask her for advice, beside she’s the only one that know his confession. It’s kind of weird to visiting the house of his ex, but he’s glad that her husband is on work, so he has free times to talk with her easily, even her daughter is running around the room with few of friends.

She told him to tell the truth. It’s the only things that she said about what had happen between him and Changmin, and he thinks she’s kind of crazy, but she’s still insist. She said about it’s okay to know if in the end his feeling won’t be returned, but at least he must let the feels inside his system blurted out and gone at once. She also said about telling his soon, because sooner or later, he just told her anyway.

When he back from Victoria’s place, Kyu thinks about it, about her advice, and it comes up with the conclusion of avoiding Changmin at all. So actually the thinks of Changmin gone from his life is not totally true, because actually he’s the one that avoiding the other. Kyu never visit the library again, he avoiding the hallway where he usually meet Changmin, and he choose to visit the canteen at other faculty’s. If there is a moment when he spotted Changmin from afar, he would quickly turns his heels away and hide into nearest room.

He might be stupid but he doesn’t care.

Kyu just not ready to tell anything about his true self. He means about it, because being gay in this kind of country already bad enough, and it can turn to be worse by tells his feeling toward a man that actually like woman. Kyu doesn’t have s like woman does, but he has between his crotch, and that’s mean he’s already failed.

For attract to someone that normal for a gay people like him is utterly bad, because no matter how hard he tried, he will never be a woman. 

Kyu feels a soft touch in his right cheek that makes him startled and flinched away a little to only found Changmin smiling but worried expression on his face “You okay?”

Kyu hated it. He always hate the fact how easily Changmin makes him off guard. He easily makes his chest hurt and his heart thumping so madly inside, ready to explode. He clears his throat for a moment “Yeah... Fine...”

Kyu doesn’t know how long they’ve been sit there in silent, but he’s realized enough the change of color in the skies that told him if the night almost hit them.
“I’ll moving to Italy next month.” it’s a simple words that really takes Kyu attention at all which brings his gaze toward Changmin who lean at his chair while he look down and his eyes half closed “I’m thinking about living there after all, and start a career as painter or in museum. It’s my dream since I was young.”

Honestly, Kyu doesn’t know what actually he’s feeling inside right now. He just stare down at his dark coffee and he bet it’s already cold. He looks at the dark liquid which reflecting his face. He can looking at his weird expression, mixed up being confused, furious, sad and... Well, he doesn’t really know.

Kyu just lift his head and found if Changmin still lean at his chair while his own hand tangle into each other and he fully closed his eyes now. He has this smile on his face that looks so calm and the sight just hurt Kyu. He wonder what kind of memories that Changmin tries to figured in his mind right now.

“I’ve been left at the altar last year.” well, Kyu never expect that what will come up into his mind “and my fiancee who was runoff from me got a fatal car accident and died at the place.”

When he was young, Kyu really loves to see his parents would be together to attend any school occasion that held. They’re will be together and smile at the back for him, gives him support and say how he is the prodigy of the family. Kyuhyun really loves that feeling and the happiness of that somehow getting blur in his memories before finally fully gone when his parents told him about their divorce.

“We’ve been know each other back then since High School, and we decide to dating about a year before our marriage. She’s the one who ask me that.” Changmin laugh softly at his memories “and then we break up after nine months after we dating, but she’s get pregnant and we talked about marriage.”

In Senior high, Kyu realized how he really interest with his senior Jung Yunho, about how this man is really charming in his eyes. He always steal glances toward this man, but he never done nothing especially when finally he realized Yunho just interest with Kim Jaejoong, his another senior that he also attract at. They’re a best friend like, everyone knows that, but Kyu knows Yunho and Jaejoong more than that, and that’s become one of the reason why he hate himself to ever attract to them. He hate them to attract toward each other. He hate himself for attract toward men.

“It’s just about a month since my commencement and we decide to married at the end of February, again, that’s all her idea.” a sighs slips from Changmin’s mouth softly “but at the D-day, she left me. I’m waiting her at the aisle but she never come up from that door. No one come. No one.”

The picture is coming back inside Kyu’s memories. A picture of the art student that he can’t quiet remember how he’s look like after years, but he still can placing this figure at every moment. Kyu still remember how this guy help him with the book at the top shelves one day or how this guy would chose to sit at the end of the table in the room. He remember this guy’s green sweater that he uses when he lean at the chair at the library one day, just let his back slumped deep at the chair, and fall asleep. Kyu remember how he likes to follows where this guy go, and how he likes to borrow the book right after the man’s return it or read. Kyu likes to remember how he feels when he sees the man smile at other, too enchanting until one day he sees the man hold a woman’s hand. They’re walking side by side like they supposed to be. They laughs toward each other before he finally landed a kiss on the top of his head. 

Kyu can remember it very clearly, about how to be a weirdo, a creep for this guy, and how to be broken into pieces because of his stupidity.

“She left a note why she left me. She said, I always have my sight for another person. A certain someone. And she can’t take that sight which is I give for this person suddenly” Changmin lifts his head and look at Kyu in the eyes “She also told me to pursue back this person. She writes that before she get that fatal accident and died.”

Kyu blinks his eyes and feels something dripping from his eyes. He doesn’t know how long he’s sight getting blurry because of his tears, and he doesn’t know why he’s crying right now. He quickly brings his head down when his gaze meet Changmin and wipe his eyes with the back of his hands. It might leave stain but first things first, it needs to stops.

Thousand of words hanging in the air, fills up his mind and mouthing his system in one go. His mind is running in circle through the words that Changmin even sent to him, whether it all come from this Changmin or not, he doesn’t care but it just kills him. He doesn’t know anymore about his feeling for the guy in front of him. He doesn’t know anymore what he’s feeling at all.

The picture of Changmin come into his head, holding his hand and told him how he’s not alone this new year. Another picture come again when Changmin messed up his hair and told him he would like to being messed up with him. The words of Changmin about certain someone rings in his ears over and over, make a weird buzzing voice that bad enough till makes him nausea. The picture of Changmin that just being Changmin hit him hard in the head, and believes him, that’s feels not good.

After a moment of silent and Kyu finally stops his tears to fall Changmin finally stand on his feet. Kyu not follows his gaze just stare down still until a hand offered in front of his face, makes him look at the owner of the hand that smile softly at him “Come on, I’ll walk you home...”
--

The love like ours ought to show itself in the face of heaven...
I can bear it no longer!
Save me!
--

The whole walk just completely silent and Kyu never willing to open his mouth to talk about anything at all. Changmin walk by his side, and their steps are really slow and stay in good rhythm. They’re leave a gap between them, even once in a while their side would bumped into each other and only ended up with Kyu flinched with the sudden contact and makes him move aside a little creating another new gap between them.

Changmin on the other hand would just humming some random note even Kyu knows what so he’s sings. Mostly is about some Japanese band that his sister would play at their radio back then when she’s in college, kind of old, but it’s bring back memories he thought. Changmin also not bother to talk about something or anything, he just busying himself with his random note after all.

Whole the way, Kyu doesn’t lifts his head which makes him kind of confused when suddenly Changmin stops his feet and makes him follows the movement and lift his head in the end. He look at Changmin for a second before realizing that they’re actually already arrives at the front of his house. Yes, this is clearly his house, an as long as he remember, he never told to Changmin where he actually lives. And he not even look at the road whole the way, so how could he knows if this is his home? Unless...

“Just like what she said Kyu...” Changmin stated finally as he already take a few step back from his position before. He has this smile on his face, as both his hands inside his mantle pocket “... In which she can’t take the sight which is I give for this person like always...”

Kyu widen his eyes and open his mouth to says something but only ended up with silence that slips within his lips. His just follows the other figure as he sees Changmin wave his hands and turns his heels before walk down toward the corner and gone from his sight.

--
He glance over between the book, sometimes he would hold his breath whenever he wonder if he’s being spotted or not. He will turns his back quickly and closes his eyes tight, let his mind getting wonder about what he supposed to do actually. He somehow, doesn’t understand what he’s trying to reached up to.

It’s just another day in college, when he just finishing his history class of classic literature. His professor told him about makes some papers this weekend, twelve pages each for resume and analysis of Molière’s Le Misanthrope that will be collected at Monday. He already read it actually at his junior year and it’s pretty cool, so when he has a task to read about it, he already know what he supposed to talk in his papers.

Now it’s another kind of stories from his homework at weekend. Well, yes, he comes here to borrows the copy of the book, but another is because his routine to visit this place since he knows a certain someone always sits at the same place. Usually at the end of the table just right in the middle of library, read in silent to those novel while he’s actually a student of art major.

It’s been three weeks since the first time he knows about this guy. When actually his professor told the class to read Flaubert’s Madame Bovary which ended up with him trying to take a book from the top of the shelves and fortunately, that guy is the one that help him, gives the book to him and offers him a very wide smile that so enchanted him and makes him like right now. He would visit the library almost every days, and just to borrows some random book, well, usually the one that the guy just returned or read. He doesn’t know why, but it just become a habit for him.

A laugh come from the direction to where the man sit, before followed by the voice of old woman told him to be quiet. He’s been laughing with a woman beside him who looks like talks about something and it must be really funny because right now he tries really hard to hold his laughter. Kyu always look at this woman too, she comes from the art major, focusing in music.

The picture of the two reminds him of himself and Victoria. He’s wonder if that going to be him and Victoria if that woman actually want to visit library even just once with him. It’s been awhile since the last time Victoria joining him to the library, she never tell him why, but he never ask anyway. Kyu thinking about asking her out for dinner tonight. Yeah, that kind of a good idea he thought.

A thud comes from his section at the other end of the shelves where Kyu turns his head quickly and only found the man, well, the certain man that he’s being looked up like always is stand there, tries to take the book that down on the floor as he gives Kyu a small smile which is kind of blurry in his sight.

Kyu just stuck in his place when the man suddenly walking closer toward him until finally he’s stop just a feet away from him. Leaving a gap for Kyu that only enough to lifts his head and look at the man’s face completely. 

He can’t really figure out how the man look. All he can see is how the man keep smiling at him, so soft and wide and enchanting. He even can smell the hint of mint and coffee within their gap and somehow it makes his heart thumping quiet hard inside his chest. Library is so quiet, and it’s makes Kyu scared if the man actually can hear the sound of his beating heart, especially when suddenly the man put his hands by the side of his head, locked him up so he can’t go nowhere.
“You’ve been put your sight on me like always. Aren’t you?”

The voice is so familiar, something inside his head screaming told him so. Kyu not even brave enough to lift his head and take a glance at the art student’s face. Seriously, at this kind of moment, when he as the chance to have a very good look, he not doing that. 

“... Because if you’re not, then I am doing something that only one sided thing...”

Kyu widen his eyes and lift his head, looking at the smile that he knows very well, look at him tenderly before all he can do is gasping when he found the figure whose face just nearly an inch apart from his nose. It’s Changmin and somehow he looks more younger that he supposed to be.

Kyu lean back at the bookshelves behind him. His head already hit hard at the wooden surface. He’s sure if he take a step back right now, perhaps the shelves would fall backward and create an ultimate chaos here, which ended by him only look at Changmin who is getting his face closer to him. Very close and it scared him because something inside his body just feels bad, especially his heart that getting loud echoing inside his system. 

He need a break. 

He need to close his eyes. 

He need to wake up.
.
.
.
Kyu is panting quiet fast as he open his eyes wide. He already get into sit position and look at the digital alarm on his bedside table that told him if it’s actually around two in the morning, but he’s fully awake now. He turns his attention toward his window in the room which is tightly closed, and he thinks about open it for once, even it’s winter, because right now he’s bathing in cold sweat. He thinks about running a cold shower would be a better idea.

Kyu turns his body and brings his feet down at the wooden floor, walking slightly wobbly as he get into his window and ready to open it up. His hand just about to unlock the window after he open the curtain when his eyes moves down toward the front gate of his house. 

There he can see someone stand at in front of his gate, actually he knows the figure very well. It’s someone that he hadn’t meet since like two weeks ago, and now, suddenly he stand there and put something inside his mailbox. He put a small envelope inside it and stand there for a little moment before he start to turns his heels away.

Without Kyu realized it, he already get out from his bedroom and rushes toward his backdoor of the house as quiet as he could.

He almost stumbled forward when he already out from his house, tries to use his sneakers while his jacket is only still in his arm. One of his foot not even use shoe rightly. Even the shoes that he took from the rack are in different colors. When he stand in front of he mailbox, he take the only envelope there before finally open the front gate quietly and start to running downward, following the foot print that left at the snow. He somehow lost his breath for awhile.

“Wait!” 

He start to run as fast as he could, but again, he never that good at PE, which ended up with him stops his feet. The presence of the man before slowly getting far from his sight. The prints on the snow slowly can’t be really spotted at because the fallen snow that start to cover it through. He thinks about giving up.
He had both hands on his knee while his lungs is asking him to take so much air which makes his nose kind of freeze because of the cold. He feels stupid for just using his sweatpants and tee inside his jacket, while the temperature outside is about minus four or more. Maybe the idea of taking a cold shower is not good at all now, he need a hot bath when he get home later. For now, he doesn’t really care.

“You’re stupid.” 

Kyu hold his stomach with one hand, while the other still support much of his wight by his knee. His stomach is kind of hurt because of his sudden run and well, some other reason tough. He lift his head and has his one eye open to look at the owner of the voice that already familiar in his ears, while he still tries to get so much air to fills up his lung.

Changmin is smiling in front of him, while he slowly take off the shawl that Kyu already return at him before. He lingered it slowly into Kyu’s neck and he help him to stand straight by his side “You know you can’t run that far, but it surprise me when you did.”

“You... You’re... Mean....” Kyu says between his pant while he put a smirk on his face and walk on his feet slowly with still little help from Changmin “trust me... If you’re not helping me now... I’ll just hate you whole my life...”

“Yeah, I can take that. Anyway, what are you doing?” There’s a pause in Changmin tone as slowly Kyu tries to stop his feet and just look in front of him. Honestly he can’t fine anything to help him answer the latter question rather than the snow that covering the road and the deserted area since it’s around two in the morning by the way. His silence only ended up by Changmin who is sighing beside him “Come on, let me walk you home.”

“No!” Kyuhyun snapped up suddenly which makes even Changmin stuck in his step. He look at Kyu from side a little while, while Kyu at the other hand like to look away like he tries to think about something what he supposed to say next “I mean... No! I mean, like, how about you!? What are you doing here anyway?”

There’s along pause after that, and the silent just makes Kyu want to glance over at Changmin who is actually looked at him with a grin in his face before he burst into loud laughs but he tries to hold the voice with his hands.

“Hey! That’s not funny!” Kyu says with a little anger in his tone, but his expression can’t lie to anyone about what he actually feels. Seriously, he just feels kind of stupid right now. Of course Changmin will laughs, because he’s actually the one that follows him, not the other way.

“Alright I’m sorry.” Changmin hold his hand in the air for a moment until he finally really stops from his laughter. “but aren’t you the one who just... Alright just forget it.” 

He then looks at Kyu for a while, looking thorough his eyes like he tries to finding something which is actually not there. He just smile softly until his eyes fully mismatched and brings his head look at the other way, where all Kyu can spotted at is only emptiness and dim light at the sidewalk. Kyu wonder what Changmin actually look at, until finally he take a few step toward the way he’s been stared at.

The warm breath just escaping Changmin’s mouth as he says words “Come on, let’s have a little walk.”
.
.
.
The night that he ever dream to be the night when he finally can spent it with the one that he actually fall for is far from what he expected of.

Back in years, Kyu always thought about walked under the moonlight at midnight, side by side would be nice, while the talking about something or just let the silent eat their presence also fine. He always thinking about the riverside would be a perfect place to be walk by. They would left few feet away from the water and hears the movement of the surface that reflecting the moon at the dark skies. He also imagining about the wind that blows around them, that one wind might would be just a second or two, so he can see how this person, who actually a woman in his head, has her hair being blown by the wind, makes him can smell the mixed of vanilla and honey get into his system. Once in awhile, he also like to thinks if this woman in his head gets chill from the wind, so he will take of his jacket as gentleman, put it around the woman’s body and hold her close somehow. Tangled their hand to each other also looks great in his head. The rest of the story always ended by him stops his feet, which makes the woman also doing so while look down with a hint of red at her cheeks and a smile of embarrassment that she put on her face while she tried so hard to hide it. Slowly Kyu like to imagine about put his hand on this woman’s face, taking the hair of her that covering her beautiful face aside, behind her ears which are also red because of embarrassment. Kyu would smile at that moment, feeling proud because he is the one that makes her to be like that. When the woman from inside his head finally lifts her head and their eyes meet, that would be the moment Kyu would hope God to agreed with him if this woman is very beautiful. The most beautiful woman in the world, well, after his mother and sister of course, but God, he just hope the world would agree with him. Kyu would not talk anything at those very moment. He just let himself being drawn by the orbs that enchanting him from the first time he saw her. He just let himself leans it, to those sinful chapped half parted lips that actually feels so soft in his head. He will close his eyes shut tightly and let his instinct lead him anywhere he can go. He doesn’t care as long as it’s with the girl in his head.

But again, it’s only in his head, and when reality hit him, he can’t even gives a when of all people in the world, he actually fall from a man.
And the night he imagining of for years never happen like the one in his head.

He’s walking half death now, yeah right, maybe he already the walking dead for sure. He hold his body tight, hugs himself pretty well while his hands is half numb, somehow, he can’t pretty sure if he still can feel his hands, his fingers. His teeth are clattering slowly because of the cold, and he cursing inside his head so many times for being a stupid when he not even think about change his clothes first when he left his house before, and let himself wandering around at night in sweat pants. Yes he knows, it’s Armani and it’s a present from his dad, but it’s still stupid no matter how cool to think he’s sleep in Armani when he’s now cold to death. His breath turns into a warm smokes that faded in the air, somehow kind of blurry by his sight since he’s not fully can look normally. He forgot to use his glasses nor his lenses when he left the house. Sometimes he would turns his head up to only see the dark skies, and somehow, kinda cloudy with snows keep falling like . He actually walking by the water right now, but he not gives a damn toward the moving water or how the moon supposed to reflecting it’s light on it, no ing no. The skies is drop dead with darkness, and the water just freaking cold like in the north pole even, he just know even never goes there, the wind, the wind, there’s no soft wind that gonna sent him the scent of honey and vanilla. The only wind that blows is hitting his face like an and it’s just cold, freaking cold, and the worst of all is the one who walks few steps ahead from him.

Back then, inside his head, Kyu would prefer the silence eats hims up as long as he is beside the one that he’s falling for, but now, he just need the time to kills him already, eats him up fully and just to get lost from society. From his silent mouth, he’s cursing Changmin inside his head for being the one that he’s fall for. He’s not proud of that, but this condition makes him want to just kicks the other on his knee, makes him fall on the snow, face first, and covers him with some more snow so he can feels what he’s actually feels now. Yeah, he will considering about doing that in few minutes perhaps.

Kyu almost stumbled backward when he realized if Changmin already stops his feet without a notice, beside most of the time Kyu also lost in his own thought which makes him not really pays attention to the other. Wait, he thinks about kicks his knee thought, which is somehow impossible remembering if Changmin already stop walking and turns his body toward him, has his hands on his shoulder while he look down at him with a knowingly look. Okay, that look is actually the one where he will mocks him in no time.

“You really are stupid.” Changmin stated calmly while a smug grins come into his mouth which makes Kyu’s head kind of twitching. Seriously he’s cold to death, and the other still call him stupid for good. Kyu snapped his head in second and ready to raining the taller with so many insult and curses when he feels a mantle being placed around him. In second, he lost his words “next time, you tries to catch up with me, you better think about what you should wear Kyu.”

There’s no other words that Kyu really thinks he supposed to says, all he does is only follows Changmin movement which is strangely getting closer toward the water, and he finally stops just right when he’s a feet apart from the water. He’s staring at his front, so far, so hollow toward emptiness, toward nothing. 

Kyu tries to fixed the mantle that Changmin put around his body before. He use it normally now, and somehow it’s kind of over sized him, well, Changmin is taller than him anyway, and somehow, there’s something kind of heavy at the left pocket of this  mantle which makes him a little bit uncomfortable before he slowly walk toward the figure who is actually put his hands inside his jean’s pocket. He’s still using layer Kyu thinks, because somehow, even he already gives his mantle for him, he still using this kinda warm green jacket, while inside it, Kyu can spotted a brown knitted sweater. God, he must be loves layers.

“When I ask her to marry me, actually it’s because I think about how hard it’s going to be when you’re so young and a single mother in such a cruel world.” Changmin says suddenly, makes Kyu turns his head toward Changmin who still look at nothing in front of them. His eyes keep looking forward like actually a picture or a video of his memories is playing there, somewhere within his hollow sight “And it’s not my child at all, it’s someone else, but she’s my best friend, and I’m just doing what I think is right, so in the end, it’s just come up with dated her before I ask her to marry me.”

“She cried that time, but not because of happiness for being asked to marry me, but because she’s angry at me to ask her for marry me.” Changmin chuckles suddenly while slowly his sight getting down and back up again, but his eyes blinking for few times like he tries to hold something there “She slapped me in the face and raining me with so many things that I can’t even remember what, but it’s the most huge fight we ever had for years after we’re being best friend. And to be noted, I’m completely silent that moment, I’m just let her to win that one.”   

.
Well, If my heart must break, 
dear love for your sake, 
it will break in music, I know, 
Poet’s heart break so.
.

Kyu brings his head down to see at his sneakers that stood over snow with half of it already being covered by the white things. Somehow, he think about kicking Changmin again this time, so he doesn’t need to talk about this woman that he’s sure must be his fiancee. Damn straight, this all situation always confusing him somehow. Sometimes he would think about Changmin actually flirting to him, like on the other day when he walks him home, but at the same times he also remember that walk home thing is after the moment he spent in cafe where Changmin just told him about his fiancee who is died nearly last year. In the end, Kyu just can gritted his teeth while his hands are turns into fist by Changmin’s mantle pocket.

“In the end, she agreed with me, and I even thinking about maybe, slowly, I can learn how to fall for her, even it need years to realized it.” Changmin sighing slowly “But she’s gone before I have a chance to learn how to loves her. She never told me how, but she told me why.”

“Why?”

It’s blurted out without he realized it. It’s a simple question that Kyu says out of his curiosity when he still listen to Changmin’s words even he doesn’t like that. He knows Changmin not into man like he does, but the other day when he said about his fiancee won’t steal his sight of someone makes him wonder who this lucky bastard is. He swear to God the moment when he get inside his room after that moment, if he will slap this woman when he knows who this woman is. He doesn’t gives a damn to the fact if this is a woman, because seriously, he will just take the out of her.

Changmin looks at him for a little while, eyes meeting each other before he turns his gaze back and sighs again. Seriously, Changmin just like hsi dad when he told Kyu about his divorce with his mother. He wonder how old Changmin could get with his utterly sighs. “You know Kyu, the reason I’m working in University’s library right now it’s because I can’t move on with my life.”

Kyu raised one of his eyebrows, because seriously, what’s the relation again?

“My fiancee is the one that introduce me to the world of book, to the world of literature. For me, it’s just for fun at first, but it’s turns out to be so addicting until finally I’m drowning.” the winds blows around them, and it’s send a chill through Kyu’s spine while he tries to follows wherever this story is going to end “In the end, when I’m in University, I always visit the library, reading any books that I found interesting while chose to sit at the end of table at the middle of the room”

“My fiancee sometimes would like to meet me back then, when we actually still just a best friend, a really good one. At those moment, I’m just visiting library because the books just drown me good, but at my last semester of sophomore year, it’s kind of changing, because of Madame Bovary”

Kyu fully look confused right now, but he still keep his questions into his head as he waited the right time to ask Changmin. Especially the Madame Bovary thing, as long as he remember, that’s a title of novel by Gustav Flaubert, and yeah, in Kyu’s imagination when he reads that stuffs she must be damn hot, but hey, is it Changmin that kind of guy who, well, has a thing for something like that? So he basically just wait for asking time. 

“There’s Flaubert’s book Madame Bovary at the top of the shelves, with it’s purple cover that old and somehow beautiful to think about it.” Okay, Kyu somehow worries with the person beside him, beside, Changmin is closing his eyes right now like he tries to picturing the book pretty well “and there’s this person, with beautiful smile tries to reach the top shelves with so much effort, but this person’s not that tall enough to reach that, which is ended up with me giving help.”

“It’s just a mere second after I gave the book, but that’s all the time that I need to see those person’s eyes, nose, lips that somehow a perfection I ever looked at, smiles widely at me before leaving me wonder when I will see those perfection again. Especially when the words thank you slips within those lips.” In the end, a bitter smile comes up for a second in his mouth before he continues again “all I know is, this person not come from same major like me. I never sees him in Art’s faculty. Until one day, I walked pass him by in Literature’s hallway”

Kyu’s stops for a moment. His eyes just stare at the dark water in front of him, while his minds seems like catching something really important from Changmin’s words that makes him want to just jump over the water and let the cold water do the rest. Maybe a little bit frostbite will help him to think faster, but no, he’s not doing that. All Kyu does is now only stay still and let his head think the major point here, while his eyes try to swim harder deep down to the river to find the answer that he need quickly. 

“This person actually from Literature class, and he’s at some point, is at the same year as me. He also like to visiting the library, especially Literature section, which makes me like to read more about classic novel, so once in awhile I will have a chance to steal glance at him, when he’s not looking at me.”

There, it’s come again, and now, Kyu can get the answer that he need, the major point that e tries to found inside his head. The point of Changmin’s words, which is ‘he’, ‘literature’ and ‘library’. Somehow it’s makes him furious inside, because for some reason, he also can associate those words with himself that tries to steal glance at Changmin these days. , he hate himself.

“In the end, I’m doing nothing about him, because ll I know, he has a girlfriend, beside I don’t want to be someone that ruining others relationship. Being strange by attract to guy is already bad enough, I don’t want to creating any pressure with ruining others relationship though.”  

Some pictures get inside Kyu’s head for a moment. A picture of Changmin and this literature guy, picture of Changmin being art’s student, picture of Changmin sitting at the end of the table at the middle of library room, picture of Changmin’s fiancee like to visit him while he is in library, picture of Changmin attract to guy who actually already have a girlfriend and finally picture of Changmin tries to help this guy with a very fascinating smile to take the book from the top of the shelves. Those picture is just like a puzzle pieces in his head, and somehow one of it is missing which makes Kyu still wonder what this are all about. A roll of film is start to play in his head to help him out with this puzzle pieces. He still lost in his thought as he listen.

“And when she’s ditch me at the altar, she leaves a note that also will be her last note ever. And what she’s written there is about how I should pursuit back this man. She told me about try to be honest with life. It’s maybe not easy as what people says, but at least, she told me to tell him about what I feels. It’s not a big deal she said if in the end I’ll be hated because of that, but at least I already done what I supposed to do, and she’ll be glad to know if she’s not live as the girl that steal someone’s luckiness, because that guy really already have me ever since.”

Kyu turns his head to look at Changmin right now. His eyes widen somehow like he feels like he knows what Changmin about to says next, but his mystery still can’t be solved, he still doesn’t know why one piece in his head is missing. He doesn’t know what is wrong with this all.

“After she’s dead, I always sent letters to her house where she used to live. Her parents moved out to another countries to stop their mourning, while all I’m doing to get over her death is only sent the empty house bunches of letter with words from books that I read. I writes her citation, poems, short stories and so many things.” Changmin still closed his eyes, and Kyu still look at him while his eyes somehow start to getting blurry, while hi chest getting sick of something as he put his hand there and grab at the surface of Changmin mantle hard to less the pain”At first, i write normal letter to her, like asking her how’s she’s doing there and stuffs, complete with address, names, getting and others, but then one day when finally I realized that she’s really is gone, I only ended up by sent  citation without address, greeting and others, but just my name. And those late letter, basically just being sent for no one, since that house been empty like months already, but then a family bought that house and move in.”

A snow fall from the skies toward his face when he still lift his head to look at Changmin beside him. Fall from the skies, touch his skin before it melted and makes a trail of water fall through his cheeks. His mouth is half open like he ready to talk about something, anything, but his throat just hold the voice there, and his tongue just numb as the words goes by from Changmin’s mouth, help his mind to keep the roll of film keep playing inside his head as the puzzle abandoned.
“At first, I’m just thinking about stop to sent a letter after three months this family moved in, beside it would be just ended in fire like the time I see the mother of the house burns all my letter at the backyards, but then one day, I see the long lost smile that I found all these time, somehow blurry in my memories but not forgotten. In the end, I never stop sending those letter, because that literature guy now living there, and somehow, the letter turns to be for him, not for no one anymore even I’m still not writes for whom those letters are, but I don’t care as long as he reads my letter, my words, my citation and getting excited about it. Because when he’s excited, he will be smile widely, and it always fascinating me all the time.”

“He’s visiting the library one day finding a book with a clue just by a piece of paper that have Camus’ first opening sentences in L’étranger. He’s been stuck in awhile, until finally I help him, and things goes from there. The next time, he will come over again with another citation and ask me from what book that comes from. He would only gives me a simple thanks or smile or even laughs, but it’s enough to makes me have beautiful dream for a month or over. The next thing I know, we had coffee together, spending New Year’s Eve side by side, being messed up together in subway at night, and now, we just stand side by side, looking into each others eyes” 

Changmin laughs softly as he finally open his eyes that long closed before slowly he turns his head only to looks at Kyu who already his eyes red with tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. Changmin just take one of Kyu hand suddenly and he lead that single hand toward the left pocket of his mantle that Kyu use. Kyu has this questioning look in his eyes even he just can’t take his eyes from the latter’s face. He just let Changmin guide his hand until it touch something inside the pocket. Changmin’s hand is gone, and leaving him to take that thing come out from the left pocket that since the first time he use it always feels uncomfortable. He looks at the thing for a moment as the missing puzzle piece is found, and the roll of film indie his head suddenly stop to a certain time and start to play slowly. 
Kyu lost his breath for some moment. His eyes locked into the book in his hand, with purple cover that somehow beautiful and enchanting after all these time, and his mouth finally slips the sobs that he’s been hold like ever as he flipped the book slowly so he can see the front cover of it and the title that written there.
Madam Bovary by Gustav Flaubert.

.
What are you that makes me feel thus?
Who are you for whom time has no meaning?
.

Changmin smiles softly, and as his eyes mismatched, tears start to falling down though his cheeks “They told me that to make him fall in love, I had to make him laughs, but every time he laughs, I’m the one who falls in love.”  

Kyu just stay still and tries really hard to smile, but it’s ended up with the broken dam from his eyes that makes him cries like Niagara Falls. He slips a bitter laughs from his lips and he let the goofy laughs between his sobs is come out. Slowly he get to the ground and let his fave hide between his knee as he continuing crying and the sobs just makes his chest tighten and hurt. He doesn’t even remember when the last time he’s crying this hard. 

“Why...” Kyu starts with cracking and broken voice as ever while he still hide his head which makes it kind of mumbles ”Why... Why... you to--told me all of th--this? Why n--now?”

A silent fills up the air, and somehow Kyu not feeling cold anymore as the warm from his chest that tighten makes his whole body warm, freaking hot, like he just need to get rid of Changmin mantle because it kills him. He is smiling with his hided face, but his mind screaming something is wrong and force him to stop his happiness for a moment.

Changmin just get down to the ground too as he slowly put his hands over Kyu’s hair. He swipe wavy the snow that already covering half of that brown lock and he smile softly. His tears already stopped and all he need to do now is only to says everything that he need to say, because that’s what his intention since the first place when he put the letter inside Kyu’s mailbox this midnight. “I’ll leave to Italy this noon.”

“What?” Kyu snapped his head quickly. He doesn’t even care to the fact if Changmin might laughs or hated him because sees his look when he’s crying, but he doesn’t care as the sick feeling inside his chest getting worse, and it tighten “What do you mean with that?”

“I mean I’ll leave early.” Changmin sighs, he understand this situation clearly “I just, I don’t know, thinks it’s better to leave early, beside I’ve been told everything that I want to say to you.”

Kyu just silent still as his eyes getting wider and his head keep repeating curses.

--

The first thing that he get when he open the front door of his house is a tight hugs from his mother and then a swearing words from his sister as a result for him that gone since this morning. They’re being over reacting by him for runaway or worse doing suicide since all his clothes is still left behind, well, they’re not wrong then. After Ahra seems done with her words she leaves the house and brings Minho with her, leaving him alone with his mom who still look mad at him for gone and not brings his phone with before. He walks down toward the couch just right beside his mother, slumped his shoulder down and let his body lean at the couch. He has his head down.

“Actually, what really is happen Kyu?”

Kyu turns his head slowly toward his mother, find her worrying look as she put a soft smile there. Of course she would know if there are something fishy, beside Kyu is never good at hiding something toward his mother.

Kyu glanced over at the clock on the wall to told him that it’s actually pass ten in the morning, and Changmin flight will depart at one this noon. Actually they’re bid goodbye around dawn, but Kyu not straight back home, but ended up at twenty four hours fast food to stuffed his belly with anything that enough with the money that he found in his pants pocket.

Kyu not really want to talk about it actually, rather that go straight upstairs toward his bedroom and just lock himself there, let himself curl into the ball under his blanket and let the sleep take him away. Kyu is not a super human kind that can take the hurt from inside his chest gone by a second, no. He also not a robot that can’t feels anything. He’s just a normal human being that will broke into tears when something gone terribly wrong and makes his mind really messed up.

Changmin will gone from his life forever. He said that this morning. He said that he actually doesn’t want to ruin Kyu’s life by force him to return his feeling. He just thought that Kyu actually like a woman, that he’s damn straight, while actually Kyu just like him. He man like ‘like’ but that moment is only enough to makes Kyu open his mouth to say nothing because all his head now just filled up with Changmin trie to moving on. Maybe that’s a good idea after all, maybe he must move on with his own life. Maybe he just let his mother know that his only son can gives her a grandchild like other’s do. Maybe he just need to try to be normal.

But Kyu look at his mother’s eyes which somehow lead him to the moment when he meet Changmin again after all these years. Meet him without realized it, because he already forgot exactly how that art student look like while he never forgot those smile. He looks at his mother’s eyes deeper which leads him to the fact if actually Changmin also like to stealing glance at him back then. There he can see a picture of Changmin stare at his back from afar or how Changmin would let a goofy smile on his face after they walk pass by each other at the hallway. There, at those dark orbs he can see his life within a misery if he not just tells her what happen, which ended up he’s blurting something so important without a short small talk like intermezzo, but right into the vital point.

“I’m gay.”

.
Everyone who tells story tells it differently, just to reminds us that everybody sees it differently.
.

There are few certain moments in his life that Kyu going to remember for the rest of his life. Few of them is just a simply memories with people that important to him, or it just him for being silly and stupid.

Since his young age as a young man, Kyu always told taht he must be a good son, because soon when hid father is retired, he’ll be the one who is taking over his place and sit at the higher position and very important in the company. He always remember his father’s message at him whenever his birthday come. His father would like to have a simple talk, man to man with him and always told him almost the same thing each year until his parent’s divorced stops his father to talk the thing with him.

Since he was young, way to young and all he can remember about his day is only playing with his mother, Kyu knows that woman is belong to men and men is belong to woman, they’re belong to each other’s because that’s what happen with his father. His father is happy with his mother and so does his mother. His grandparents too, and his uncle and aunt. As he’s growing up, he realized not all women belong to men and vice versa. Sometimes men also can belong to men, and women can belong to women.

When he’s hitting his senior high year, he remember how his sister would like to gives him a lecture about what kind of woman he must and mustn’t date. She always spent almost an hour or more to talk inside hs room while all he’s doing is only play with his PSP and just let her be. That time, she’s been dating with her future husband, that’s why she’s been so demanding about all of this, which ended up with him sleeping on the floor usually.

At the moment he knows Victoria until he dated her for like five years, he knows about what he truly fells about the world. Even at first he’s not really realized it well, but then he just know that he has this things for guys. Things like usually what men like to think about woman when they’re attracted. He’s been thinking about it for a little while, especially when the art student in library come into his life until suddenly he stops to think everything about that when Victoria and him broke up.

When Changmin come into his life as Changmin, he feels always at ease. He would feel this tied knot inside his stomach which is getting worse whenever Changmin around sometimes. He would easily smile at the other and how the other could easily mkaes him smile still bugging him till this time. He loves each moment that he shared with Changmin and somehow he just want more until this morning Changmin says he’s about leave to Italy this noon.

And finally is now, when his mother just look at him dumbfounded while her eyes are looking so confused but ready to cries whenever Kyu says another words like he’s being gay again toward her. is open like she tries to say something that not death in , but there’s nothing come out, like she’s forgot how to speak normally in second. And somehow, it makes Kyu worried.

“Mom... You okay?” The silent not broke again. If his mother is died from heart attack Kyu is not going to run from the fact if he’s the one who makes her died. Or maybe if his mother get a or another diseases with serious issue. But now, Kyu is just worried as hell, and he somehow ready to cry again like what he’s been doing this whole dawn if his mother not says anything “Mom, please... Says something...”

His mother stays still for a moment before slowly just turns her sit position and let her back lean at the couch. She finally closed and let her eyes darting to everything like she’s lost something and tries to find it on the floor. Her shoulder slumped down as finally she closed her eyes, and tears start to falls down from her eyes and through her cheeks. She’s crying in silent.

“Mom... I’m sorry...” Kyu doesn’t know how come tears start falls from his eyes again. He doesn’t know why it feels much more hurt that too know if Changmin going to leave this noon “Mom... I really am sorry... I’m so--”

“Who is this guy?” his mother says suddenly and she is snapped with anger. Her eyes wide open but Kyu swears that he sees a flick of fire there. She turns her head and meet Kyu’s gaze who quickly looking down after wipe his tears “I ask, who is this guy!?”

“I--mom--no, there’s no gu--”

“SHUT THE UP AND JUST ANSWER ME!” she shouting really loud and seriously, four twenty years in his life, this is the first time his mother ever snapped her words toward him “WHO IS THE GUY WHO MAKES YOU GAY!?”

“No, mom there’s never--”

Kyu never finishes his words because his mother just slap him, for the first time.

Kyu tears just come out from his eyes again. Somehow he doesn’t know what he supposed to do. The man that he loves will gone forever by hours, and now, his mother just put the craps out of him by just slaps him and keep yelling at him with loud voice. He can feel how his right cheek is burning. The next thing that he can feel is how his mother’s voice keep wavering in the air, fills up the room with it and ready to explode. In the end, he just need to do what he supposed to do.
“THERE’S NEVER A GUY!”

The room turns silent for a moment, even the sound of ticking clock on the wall more louder that it usually was. Kyu gritted his teeth as his breath getting heavy and his heart kind of broke when he realized if he’s the one that makes his mother looked so messed up like this. She’s crying in silent with anger in her eyes that never leave that orbs. But he need to continue.

“I am gay, and I always be. I may dated Victoria, but it’s all because I haven’t realizes it and she did, that’s why we broke up.” Kyu says slowly before he finally starts to walk toward his mother “those years when I’m not dating anyone else after her, it’s because I’m stuck into the phase where I still haven’t figuring where I am supposed to go, but then I am now already know where I am.”

His step is getting closer at his mother that already sit again on the couch before slowly he get down to it too and leaves gaps between them “I know it sounds insane, but I’m just realizing these days how I used to look at those guy back then differently, how I hurt Victoria with this. How I hurt my self with this.”
“I’m sorry that I’m not a perfect son that you ever wished for. I tried, but I’m failed, I’m sorry.” Kyu cried and he finally get into his mother embraced as she cry harder and kiss the top of his head “I’m so sorry mom...”

It just a mere moment of silent and tears before suddenly the phone is ringing few times. Neither Kyu or his mother is moving to get it which is lead into the message as the beep sounds can be heard. As the sound on the other line speaking, Kyu widen his eyes.

“Kyu, it’s Changmin, and I’m calling from airport... I know maybe you wonder how I get your number, but well, I’m work in Library tough... Well, that’s not the point I call right now, I’ve tried to reach your phone but it seems off, so, well, I just want to say goodbye for the last time... I mean, yeah... goodbye Kyu...”

The line is off and his mother is taking her hands off from around his body. He slowly get up from his position and look at his mother’s eyes that somehow still saying how angry she is, but more calmer and, well, he doesn’t know what she’s thinking right now, but all Kyu can do is only swallow his own saliva to his sudden dried mouth. He might kill Changmin right now if he’s here for calling in such a very bad time. He will.

“Is that Changmin who always sent those letters here?” her mom’s voice sound dangerous, and at this moment, Kyu never can lie to that voice “Do you actually know him?”

“Yes. I do.” he says quickly “and in fact, I think I love him.” and continuing before he realized that he just order a room in hell already.

Kyu realized that his mother might kill him in any moment now. Maybe he will be choked to death, or he will be kicked out, or even worse she would never think him as her son anymore. No. Kyu expecting so many reaction will come from her, but the thing that he not expect is the next simple words that makes his heartbeat stopped and he lost his breath. 

“Go.”

Kyu turn his head quickly and ready to kneeling at her. He wouldn’t care if it’s what he need to makes her accept his apologized “Mom, no, I’m sorry... I reall--”
“Go and brings him here, so I can make sure he’s not such a douche or I will just kick his .” Kyu lifts his head to look at his mom that finally sighs and those furious gaze in his eyes a little bit gone while is turns into a small smile “Come on, go! Makes sure you’re not get back alone, because I really want to punch someone in the face, and I can’t do that to you after I slapped you before.”

“Mom...”

“I’m deadly serious Kyu. Let me see this Changmin guy, and makes sure he’s not a douche bag for you.”

His mother is stand from the couch and makes Kyu also get into his feet. She also gives Kyu his phone that placed at the coffee table before push him toward the front door. She told him to quickly use his shoes and she’s tossed her car key toward him. Kyu barely allowed to used her car, so it’s makes him slightly surprised when she actually allow him to use it to brings Changmin back. 

“Look, I don’t give a crap about what are you gonna do in the airport.”his mother stated from the window that he’s open as he use the safety belt “but as much as I care for you, if you really love him, make sure you get him, and get him home quickly when you get him because somehow I’m still in a rage and really need to punch someone in the face.”

Kyu just look at his mother as he gritted slowly before turns to smile at her “... Thanks mom...” 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” she put a hand on his cheek and kiss him there slowly “I’ve never be a good mother for you either. With divorce and so many things come up I guess it’s just hard, and beside I think to have another son in law wouldn’t kill me... Oh, and let me to punches him when you’re back with him, okay?”

Kyu chuckles softly “Okay...”

“Right, that’s the smile.” her mother finally smile at him and get few step back from the car “alright save drives and don’t forget to brings him home!”

And as he start the engine, there’s only one thing inside Kyu’s mind: brings Changmin home.

--

If it could only be like this always—always summer, always alone, the fruit always ripe and Aloysius in a good temper
--

Cursing his driving skill, Kyu just get straight toward the airport not even care how  many times he almost had a car crash with other or how many times, he’s been honks at the road, and how many times he hit the breaks when he almost hit people. He’s pretty sure he can get a ticket later, or maybe actually the police already put an eye on his car. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t really care anyway.

Get off from his car that he park randomly at the side of the departure gate, Kyu not forgot to brings his key with him as he slams the door loud, and walk pass the security guard that hold him if he can’t park there otherwise they will force his car to moves. He’s not listen fully to the man and just kjeep walking pass him as he walk toward the gate of international flight where he quickly stops his feet to see the flight schedule.

Changmin told him that his flight is around one this noon, and now it’s only twelve thirty. .

It just like back in his ten years old days, when all things that he mostly do whenever he’s not home is only running through the sidewalk uptown, passing those adults who will say things for him to run such in a rush, but in the end he just a kid who has unicorn and gremlin in his head. He will run along the way toward his home, sometimes open his hands like he’s a war plane, a jet one, with a cool machine, he likes to makes voice back in those times, just like when the plane is maneuvering at the skies as he take turns at the corner beside the ice cream bistro and the bookstore.

This moment all he so is only keep repeating a spell, spell hoping if Changmin hadn’t get on his plane. No, he hoping that Changmin actually not will get into plane at all because he never meant it in the first place. This all is just kind of joke that will surprise him when he found the other is sitting on one of the chair near the wall at the airport, waiting him to pick him up, waiting him to just come and stop him. And for a moment there, Kyu’s hoping so.

Been running this far is never become his things since he’s young. Well, when he’s young he’s more stronger than now. He’s pretty sure back then he can run along the sidewalk from up state to downtown even its need time and few times rest, and now he just feels really pathetic. He’s kind of cursing himself for not thinking about change his clothes first before, which makes him run along in the airport still in sweat pants, but hey, it’s Armani. The second is, why he doesn’t have Changmin numbers in his phone. Well, Changmin can have his because his works, but again, he actually just realized how stupid it is when actually they already know for quiet long time, but never has each other numbers. Every time they’re meet are just because of coincidence or well, they plan for it but try to makes it look like a coincidence.

For once Kyu stops his feet as his hands hold his left side stomach as he thinks about how nice about their meeting is.

Alright it’s not time for that.

He’s not running anymore, but his hands is still hold his stomach as he tries to walk with quiet little faster pace as he can see the direction toward the gate is. The part where he last hope to meet Changmin there, because he’s there without ticket and of course he has no boarding pass with. Beside at that gate, there are more than three securities, with a security camera too of course, but he doesn’t know where. All he got to do is get there, and maybe do something that he never done before.

“Excuse me sir, where’s your boarding pass?” The first guard says to him with a smile. He’s white and tall, well, maybe an inch taller than him, using a round glasses that somehow odd, but fit his face shape perfectly “May I see it sir.”

“I don’t have any.” Kyu says simply as he keep walking toward the sensor gate where there’s already another guard forbid him to pass. He looked up at the man and somehow it’s remind him toward his brother in law “I said I don’t have any, but I just need to meet someone there.”

“I’m sorry sir, I’m worry you can’t pass--SIR!”

The things that he does is bumped into the man in front of him as he runs again, walking pass through the boarding gate toward the waiting room. He can hear how the gueard behind him call after him. He’s not a best runner ever, but for now, he never realized how fast and far he can run with his condition. 

People start to looks at his direction when the guard is calling after him on the hallways that most of the window is created from a glass. He doesn’t care by the stares that people gives him when he get into the waiting room as his eyes finally landed into one person only that sit alone on the corner of the room, facing the wide window that have a scenery outside which is a landing field of the plane. He sit alone there with his earphone plugged into his ears while his eyes are closed.
Kyu stopped his feet when he already stand straight in front of this man who still sit and closed his eyes. People start to get back at their business and the guards seems lost his presence behind, but he still can hear the voice of them calling him somewhere. 

He takes a step forward as he finally let go his hands that hold his stomach before. It’s still hurt, but now his hands just turns into fist on his side as slowly the man open his eyes when he realized that someone is actually standing in front of him. By a mere second, the man open his eyes widely as his mouth hanging open, agape like fish in the tank and confused can be seen all over his face.

“Ky... Kyuhyun!?” Changmin start dumbly as he looks around and found its only Kyuhyun, without any suitcase or anyone with. He look back at the other “What are you doing here?”   

“Please don’t leave to Italy”

The confusion in Changmin face getting clearer as he looks like he actually doesn’t even know what he really want to says even he already open his mouth that come to closed again few times.

“Listen, I mean, yeah, I don’t know. It just, yes, please don’t go” Kyu start to rambling weirdly as he let his hands up in the air creating a weird gesture that catching few eyes around them “The point is, please don’t go. I mean I don’t know, it just, confusing... I just well--!”

The guard is already on the door to where Kyu come from before. They look at him and pointing at him before start to run over to where he start to panicking to what he supposed to do now. In the end, Kyu takes Changmin left hand and hold him tightly as he runs from the guards that chase after him toward some random hallway that led him back to the first place where the checking gate for the boarding pass is. He’s not letting go Changmin hand and in fact, he’s kind of relieve when Changmin keep running with him, and leaves the guard lost of his sights again.

At the corner of the ATM center, Kyu stops his feet and quickly bring Changmin to stand beside him, hide both of them beside the wall as he tries to catch his breath again and closed his eyes. The hold in Changmin hand never go, and he never let go that hand even once. No, not this time.

“I... I don’t understand.” Changmin started as he still pant for a moment. He leans his back on the cold wall and he just realized if he left his suitcase back there “I don’t know what happen, what this is about what--”

“I love you” Kyu stated simply cutting Changmin’s words as he finally swallow his own saliva when inside his mouth suddenly feels so dry and his throat hurt when he does that. His voice come hoarse “but I think... I don’t know.....”

Kyu suddenly laughs bitterly while he had one of his hands to close his eyes and he slides his body down, let his back keep lean at the cold wall before he fully on the ground, left Changmin staring at him down, and doesn’t know what he supposed to do. Kyu just silent for a little while, but he realized he doesn’t have much time, because maybe somewhere, the guards is still looking for him even he’s already out from the waiting room. He start to sobs softly between his words as he keep covering his eyes with one hand.

“But... If this is love, if I really do love you, do you love me to?” he pause for a little moment and slips a fake bitter laughs there “ I’m not sure what to say next. I was going to go further into an explanation of what I believe love to be, but quite frankly I’m not so sure myself. I try to wrap my brain around it, but really you can’t put a definition to love. You either feel it or you don’t. And that’s just it, love can’t be defined. Love is an indefinite object that you can only feel deep in your heart. Love creeps up on you when you least expect it, and at first it is masked by confusion and once you diagnose it, once you are able to figure out what that feeling is, you often try to deny it. You don’t want to love that person. You don’t want to admit it. Not when they don’t love you back. Not when there’s tears streaming down your face and not when those feelings are just rushing through you faster than anything you’ve ever felt.”

Changmin just lost his words as he look at the brown lock that covered in few snow, and how Kyu suddenly look so small there, with his hoarse voice, shaking body and few sobs between his words that more like rambling and mumbles to him for some reason. He really just want to get down there beside him and put him into his embrace, but all he does is only stand there like an idiot being told about math and physic or another language and life. He can’t get all those information all at once. His head feel like it want to explode anytime. And his stomach is just doing something weird like flipping back and forth while his chest hurt like just being stabbed from his front. It feels really bad, and the picture of Kyu right now just makes it worse.

“But that’s the thing about love. It chooses you, you can’t choose who you’re in love with or how or why or even when. It just happens and it may happen with the right person or it may happen with the wrong person, but who really knows?” Kyu laughs again and now he slowly takes his hand that covering his eyes down before slowly he turns his head up toward Changmin who not surprised to find a bloodshot eyes there with stain of tears on his cheeks. He still silent like he actually deaf, his mind screaming to say something, but his tongue can’t translate it. Kyu smile softly and sighs “Did I just define love in some way, shape, or form? I described it as accurately as I could. But the thing is... I think I’ve fallen in love with you....”

Changmin open his mouth wide as he tries to slips anything, any words to come up, but there’s only tears that finally come from hie eyes through his cheeks while his mouth still not doing his work right. He hold the wall beside him as a support for him to stand while he still forgot how to say something or how too react when someone says something like that. Saying something that makes him just want to hold the other tight that makes him sure if it’s actually not one of his good dream that turns to be the bad one once he’s wake up. He bites his bottom lips hard and just look at Kyu as his chest feels really hurt now, he should check it up later.
“Kyu... I... I...” Changmin stats when he finally lifts his hands toward his chest and garb it hard “I... I can’t...”

The smiles in Kyu face never gone when Changmin says that but getting wider and getting bright which somehow it killed Changmin chest more. His breath start to turns heavy and he needs some pain killer to release the pain.  

“I know... I had already prepare myself to hear that...” his smiles is wide but his eyes just can’t lies when tears start to falls from there, getting faster like Niagara falls. He choked in his breath for a few times. He tries to makes it stops with keeping wipe it with the back of his hands, but it’s failed “I just think about--”

“There you brat!” 

Kyu never finish his words as two guards come beside Kyu and take both of his arms and force him to get into his feet. Kyu not tries to getaway from them as one of them drag him away from Changmin that still stuck in his place and looking at how lifeless Kyu is being dragged by the guard. One of them stay behind look at Changmin who can’t take his eyes from Kyu “I’m sorry for your inconvenience sir, but, is that your friend?”

Changmin snapped his head toward the guard not far from him as he shrugs a little “Uhm, yeah, he is. He just need to talk about something, but it’s done.” Changmin a little as he clears his throat when he’s being told by the guard that there’s stain of tears in his face.

“Sir, it’s actually not really my business, but do you still want to get at the plane? It will take off in ten minutes.” 

The guard says as he lead the way for Changmin after he nods his head as answer. He just keep walking forward and for the last time look behind his back, to find nothing but other people who is buzzing around in the airport to do his business. There’s no Kyu there, or memories that he thinks about to forget at all.

--
There is no discovery without risk and your risk reveals what you value.
--

He doesn’t know exactly what he feels right now. All he know that he’s tired of walking on his feet. He’s tired for people to stare at him weirdly and sometimes asking him what happened to him when he’s stop his feet at the traffic light waiting the like to turn green before he can walk across it. He’s tired of his eyes that keep ing by not stopping the tears to fall from his eyes, and somehow he also tired of his chest that getting hurt and not helping his situation at all.

His car is on the airport police station since he’s parking randomly before. If he want to take it, he need some money to pay the charge. He also being lectured by some of the guards before, quiet long like an hour an half about what he’s doing there, making a ruckus and makes the plane late to depart about fifteen minutes. He also need to pas some ticket that he cause on his way toward the airport, and yes the security camera at the road really watching him. And now, all he can do is only walking home with his wobbly feet while all his money he have is gone to pay the ticket, well, he hasn’t pay the charge for his mother car, he brings not much money anyway.

The road seem so faraway from his house and he’s already spent like an hour just to walk home with his fuzzy steps and dizzy head. He must amaze with himself in future if he remember this moment one day, because it’s something that he will never do again in his life. 

When he’s arrives at the block around his house, he start to walk slowly. He can hear kids playing at the near playground and laughing freely. He’s not ready for that free laughs which people create in the air at this situation. It makes him closes his ears with his hands and start to faster his pace. His mind just not ready and his head is just full of so many things. He even also cursing the sun in the skies right now.

Every step that he takes slowly getting slow before finally stop just right at the corner of his house. He stop right there when his eyes just darting to his front where the  road is empty and only covered with snow. He can spotted his neighbor car park in front of their house. He gritted his teeth and turns his head slowly to his right, to look at the red brick of his house, he even can see his bedroom window open from this close distance before he brings his head back down and slowly he just let himself get down on the ground, sit at the side walk and just stare at the snow that covered the road.

It’s only few feet left for him to get into the black gate of his house. He can open it anytime and get inside it and tell his mother everything. Tells her that he failed to bring the person that her mom want to kicked in the . He failed to bring the person that she want to see, to makes sure if he’s good enough for him. He failed to bring back the person that somehow makes him feels so stupid to fall for him, and tells how he loves him but still leave in the end. He failed. He just failed and he not ready to facing his mother right now.

Kyu just lifts both his hands to rubs his face madly before ruffling his hair and turns it to be super messy. He’s kicking randomly the snow at the ground before he grunt in madness and hide his face between his knee and feel somehow dizzy. His tears already long stops and his breath already back to normal, but his mind, it just messed up, and it really in need time to be good like before.

A slight beeping sounds come from his left pocket. He lifts his head slowly and look at the left pocket of the mantle which is actually Changmin’s, geez, remembering that enough to makes him nausea, and realized if he’s brings his phone all this time, and it being muted. A sudden realization get into his head as he remember few miss called back in the police place, his phone is keep vibrated in his pocket, but he doesn’t care enough to check it up.

He slide the screen open and look at the miss called from unknown number which somehow makes him lost his breath for a few moment. The call is not one, or two or three, but twenty times, and there’s two voice messages left for him. Somehow, his heart beating faster and his blood rush in his vein. His eyes start to burns again. He takes a very deep breath before he push the play button on his screen to listen the message, and the voice of the sender isn’t surprised him at all.

“Kyu, it’s Changmin, and I’m calling from airport... I know maybe you wonder how I get your number, but well, I’m work in Library tough... Well, I just want to say goodbye for the last time... I mean... goodbye Kyu...”

Kyu’s eyes start to watery and his sight is kinda blurs as he listen to Changmin’s voice from his phone. He just smile weirdly and let the laughs slips from his lips before he coughing for a few times. He remember if Changmin also leaves messages this morning when his mother mad at him. He also says almost same thing. Kyu wonder how many times Changmin practicing those lines before he actually calls him and leaves messages. 

He then push the ‘play’ button at the second messages, wonder if it’s actually the same like that, but actually it’s a long pause and there’s a sounds of people talking behind while there’s only silent from the one who leave message until finally Changmin’s speaking.

“I love you...”

This time Kyu just let his hand turn numb and let his phone fall on the snow when his eyes widen and stare at nothing but the snow. His mouth is agape as he realized if the messages is not even finished. He quickly take his head down and pick up his phone that slightly cold after fall on the snow. The time he put his phone on his ears, there’s only another silent there for a few moment.

“... You’re right, I’m just being stupid by doing all of these things--... Sir! Where are you going? We almost take off!...” Kyu’s mind just imagining something that somehow can’t makes any sense at all when he hears other voice beside Changmin which he supposed to be the stewardess “...I need to get off from this plane!.. But sir, that’s impossible! You should get back and fasten--... No! I need to get off! Captain stop the plane, open the door I n--... SIR YOU CAN’T--”

The next thing that come up is only a loud sounds of people screaming before it off and only beeping sounds left. 

Kyu lift his left hand and pulls his hair tight as he look at his phone and his body trembling. “Oh my God, Oh my God, Changmin! Changmin!” Kyu just look around confused to what just he hears and he plays the messages again like he tries to find the clue there, but instead he just scream randomly toward the stewardess “You let him down the plane!”

“...I need to get off from this plane!.. But sir, that’s impossible! You should get back and fasten--... No! I need to get off! Captain stop the plane, open the door I n--... SIR YOU CAN’T--”

“YES YOU CAN CHANGMIN YOU CAN, PLEASE YOU CAN!” Kyu scream loudly toward his phone. He knows he’s mad, he’s disappointed, and he’s sad, but he doesn’t know what he supposed to do which ended up by he played the messages for the twelve times to get rid his anger at that innocent device. 

“... No! I need to get off! Captain stop the plane, open the door I n--... SIR YOU CAN’T--”

This time he start to cries again, but his voice getting low as reality hit him somehow, and he stars to feel tired “... Yes you can... Please tell me you--”

“I can.”

.
While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take Taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I would wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say “Will you...” my answer is ‘yes’ before your sentence is out.
.

Sometimes when the sun is up in the skies, Kyu would rather hide himself under his bed and take another sleep and call it a cat nap when his mother call him for breakfast. Another time, his sister would hold his feet and drag him forcefully to just for him get down from his bed and open the window in his room so his face will be hit by the sunlight which easily makes him wake up constantly. In some other occasion, Minho would jump over on his bed and that little bastard would never stop until he’s wake up and play with him which usually tickle that little monster until he’s gives up and he wake up sully. If he’s in a good mood, sometimes, he would just wake up easily from his sleep and his family doesn’t need much effort for doing that to him.

At this very moment, all Kyu need is only one thing, which is he need anyone to wake him up if this is just dream. He’s hoping Minho will be here and push him down on the snow before jump over his body to makes him wake up, or maybe his sister will kick him to the ground and drag him along the cold snow to makes him wakes up. He hopes his mother just need to come out from the house right now, and maybe gives him another slaps of love to makes him back into the real world, because if this is dream, this one is ing annoying.

Kyu never like dream because when it’s a bad one, he will wake up and know it’s will never happen, and when it’s comes a good dream, he will wake up and knows it’s will never happen.  

Now, he’s found Changmin stand behind him when he turns his body. Changmin’s eyes are red, and he’s look exhausted like just have a marathon or something, he might thinks baout asking him later about how he get there, but now the important thing is how Changmin’s smiling widely toward him.

“You’re making it impossible for me to not fall for you...”

Changmin let his body get down on his knees on the snow before he fall forward and makes his body weight fall onto Kyu who still stuck in his place ended up being hugged by Changmin before he lost his balanced and let his body fall backward which makes him now fully laid over the snow. Changmin is still over him, but one of his hand is behind Kyu’s head so he’s not hit the snow and the other one is just right under his body so he hold him still there, like he hug him while he’s all over him on the snow.

Kyu doesn’t know which one is it, but he can feel a fast heart beat between them, or it’s actually come from they’re both. He also can feel the heat radiating from Changmin’s body and how he can smell Changmin shampoo as the other just let his head rest right beside him. He can feels Changmin’s breath, really hot and ticklish into his right ear, somehow he feels his face heating up. He’s hoping no one around or walk by.

“You’re warm.” Changmin says suddenly right beside  his ears and that makes Kyu shivers through his spine especially when Changmin still all over his body and lock his position. He can’t even moves his hands from his side “... And I love you...”

Kyu hitched in his breath before slowly he turns his head to his right only to find Changmin’s face that half of it is laid by the snow. He curve the corner of his lips as their eyes meet, he looks kind of sleepy, and Kyu chuckles a little bit which makes him laughs softly “What?”

“You know...” Kyu closed put his gaze down for a little while, looking at Changmin’s messed clothes, before back into his eyes “... My mom want to kick your sorry ...”

“Really?”

Kyu nods softly “Yeah, she said, when I bring you home, she want to know that if you’re deserve me or not, and she just need to kick someone’s because she’s still in rage after I told her if I am gay.”

“That’s worth my forgotten suitcase though.” Changmin laughs beside him and get his hands tight which makes Kyu getting warmer in his embrace “beside, when I lost a suitcase, I get a home, so its fair enough I think.”

Kyu widen his eyes and he tries to lift his body and look around, but Changmin hold him still which makes him can’t go anywhere from the ground. In the end, he just look back at Changmin who still look at him with a smile “You leave your suitcase?”

“Yeah, beside that thing need a holiday sometimes. Anyway, I can get another one later.” Changmin chuckles softly as he brings his face slightly closer to Kyu until the tip of their nose is touching “beside I still have my clothes that I used, plus a mantle and a shawl.”

Kyu silent for a moment before he’s looking down when he realized what Changmin means by mantle and a shawl. It’s a long pause after that, before Changmin finally loosen up his embrace and get up from Kyu’s body. He’s wipe up the snow from his clothes before help Kyu get into sit position. He has this cheeky grin on his face before get into his feet and makes Kyu wonder what he’s actually thinking.

“What?” Kyu says as he wipe up his hair to take the snow off “what’s funny?” 

“Nothing, it’s just your eyes really swollen.” Changmin chuckles as he offers a hand for Kyu to help him stand from the snow “you must be have a hard day.”
That’s right, it’s already become one of the most long day in his life. From how he’s meeting Changmin this midnight to tell his mother gay and how he thinks Changmin about to leaves him to Italy and then now when Changmin somehow already beside him. Kyu stares at the hand for a little while before he let his head down and look at his feet which makes Changmin raised one of his eyebrows but howl his hand still “What is it?”

“Is it a dream?” Kyu says softly, almost sad and his voice is so low “I mean, if this is dream, I won’t this to be over soon.”

“What are you talking about?” Changmin says as he take Kyu’s hand and help him get into his feet slowly. He still hold onto that hand when finally Kyu is looking into his eyes, but there’s still a kind of doubt there. Changmin finally sighs and takes Kyu hand with which makes him follows him to walk beside him “you know, if this is a dream, can you at least makes your mother forgetting about kicking my the second we get inside?”

In the end, Kyu just laughs and follows Changmin lead by walk side by side. At those certain moment, Kyu just wonder about his life all this time, thinking about if he doing something right by choosing Changmin or he just lucky enough to be chosen by Changmin. He e doesn’t know, but for now, he’s pretty happy to know that the person beside him that holding his hand is loving him just as much as he does. And he won’t let that go even just once.

“Oh, I forgot about something!” 

Changmin suddenly stops his feet and let go Kyu’s hand that makes Kyu turns his head toward him that a feet behind. Changmin face look like someone that really is forgot about something but there’s this smudgy expression there too. Kyu only look at him confused before he open his mouth to ask him “What are y--”

A sudden movement makes him lost his breath as Changmin suddenly put his one hand to Kyu’s right cheeks that enough to makes him turns his face in second as Changmin catches his lips in quick motion. He open his eyes in shock but melted into the warm that radiated as their lips connected, beside his lips is not fully closed since he meant to ask the taller a question what he actually forgot which gives Changmin a free access to inside his mouth once. The kiss happen only a ten second only, but it enough to makes Kyu drunk like an alcoholic and almost stumbled backward if Changmin not hold his side when their lips is apart. 

He looks at Changmin who smile teasingly at him. God, even he likes him, somehow, he hates that guy’s guts.

“Well, I need a charm of course before facing your mom.” he says simply as he takes his hands off from Kyu after Kyu get back into his feet “and thank you for give me that.”

Changmin gives Kyuu a simple peck on his lips again before he turns his heels toward the main gate that few feet away from them. He’s pushing the bells by the black gate leaving Kyu stare at him dumbly with a very red face to realized what actually just happen. Changmin glance a little toward Kyu who still stuck in his place. He’s smiling again until his eyes mismatched, and then he lift his right hand, offering Kyu to take it.

“Come on Kyu, let’s tell her why I actually fall for you”

Kyu looks at the hand for a little while before he walks slowly and take the hand. He tangles his hand with Changmin as he put his smile on his face widely “... And tell mom why I actually in love with you...”

And the black gate is open as both of them walk inside the house side by side, hand in hand, and belong into each other.

--
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

 

 

 

 

--
End

--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pweh! almost 30k words, hell yeah baby! oh, by the way, sorry for the quiet long hiatus. I’ve lost my laptop, and my external hard drives last semester, a buglar got into my room. I lost all my datas and finished stories that I meant to post, which ended up with me being lazy to write it all over again. Beside so many homeworks comes up this semester and I just being busy. maybe If I’m not lazy I’ll write some more, mostly freaking long one-shot, because writing chaptered stories makes me worried to lost the feels and blablabla. so don’t judge me, I have a life to live anyway.

oh, the citations and poems comes from books and tumblr by the way. hahaha. thank though, for the author of those. 

by the way, thanks for reading :)