This is not a new oneshot. For more information, please refer to THIS BLOG.

Note: Companion piece to He Did It All For You (It's Not Like You Killed Someone)

WARNING: Character death

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I shoved Zitao out of my apartment harshly. He stumbled outside clumsily, still only wearing his socks. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and I knew it was because he felt guilty. But I didn’t care how he felt just then. I just wanted him to stop ruining my plans. Or rather, what was left of them.

    “Stay away from me,” my voice was emotionless. I saw him flinch, and I could only assume he heard the venom behind my words. “Or I’ll kill you too.” His eyes swiveled back to me quickly. I consciously kept my face blank of emotion to show that I was serious. He swallowed, and suddenly looked incredibly nervous. I smiled internally. He believed me, even though I was lying through my teeth. I never would have been able to kill him.
 
    “Why would you do this to yourself, Kris?” his child-like eyes bored into mine, pleading with me. ‘This isn’t the only option’, they said. I snorted. What a lie.

    “It’s not something I can control, and if you think it is, then you're a ing idiot,” my voice was sharp like a whip. “I have felt this way for years. I appreciate that you thought you could change that. I really do, Zitao.” I caressed his cheeks with my thumbs. “But it’s not enough. You're not enough, though God knows I wish you were. Hate me, if it makes you feel better. Hate me so much that you won’t care.”

Zitao’s eyes filled with tears. I was the one to look away guiltily this time. His tears had always been a weak point for me.

    “Okay, then, Wufan,” he grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. “If I have to hate you, then your last memory of me will be this situation right now. Me, crying over you. Telling you that I will hate your ing guts, no matter what happens. That if I even hear your name mentioned in conversation from now on, I will walk away out of anger.” Zitao shoved me away then, and even though it hurt, I understood. “ you, Wufan. you for doing this. I hope you know that it won’t be hard for me to hate you.” He was angry, and it was my fault. Even though, like I had told him, it wasn’t something I could control.

I watched him grab his shoes and walk away before going back into my apartment. The sharpened knife that he had wrenched out of my grip and threw across the kitchen was still embedded into the wall where we’d left it. I pulled it free, twirling it in my fingers. This alone, I knew, wouldn’t do the job for sure. I grabbed the pills on the counter and walked to my bedroom.

Killing myself had been a plan of mine for several months now. Life is precious, life is great, blah blah blah. I’ve heard all of that before, and yes. It’s true. But the kind of depression that clung to me wasn't something you could just "get over", and I would do anything to escape it.

The knife was really only a reassurance that the job got done thoroughly. The pills were what was going to do the trick. Lithium had no known antidote. None at all, and even if someone did happen to find me in time (since I highly suspected that Zitao might call an ambulance), there was no guarantee that pumping my stomach would stop the pills from working.

I swallowed all 60 in the bottle, and quickly made several deep slashes on my wrists. I laid down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling.

I didn’t know how much time had passed when I started feeling queasy. I didn’t have a choice except to throw up, but I didn’t panic. It was just my body’s last ditch effort to get rid of the extremely lethal dose of medicine. Not that it would do any good.

The dizziness and vertigo started some time after the queasiness and combined, it was extremely unpleasant. I started hyperventilating, feeling a burning senation flow down my limbs, and then.. my eyes slipped closed. My arms fell to my sides, and I no longer had control over my body. I released one last breath, and everything went black.

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Haha, well.. It was a way of coping, I guess?

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Til next time, loves. ^o~