Youngjae tilted his head back against the airplane seat and sighed. This was another tour, another concert, another day on the job. He looked over at the other members, chattering away in excitement and felt a twinge of envy. Why couldn’t he be like that? Why couldn’t he let go and actually look forward to performing?

            It had been his dream to be a singer. But that dream came true only to twist into the nightmare that was an idol. He knew he should be grateful. The company gave them more freedom than others but he couldn’t stand being defined, being cooped up into one certain thing.

            Training for a new song every day was tiring. Performing the same thing over and over and over was tedious and quite frankly, if he had to listen to any of their songs more than once, he would vomit all over the company’s shiny wooden floors. Youngjae was bitter and he knew that if he complained, nobody would listen.

            It has already been over a year. When they first debuted, it had been obvious that they would have to work hard. But when he started to deal with the makeup every day, the long busy schedules, he started to feel himself shut down. It wasn’t that it was too much, it was more because it was just not something he wanted.

            He had talent. He wanted to use it. He didn’t want to be a puppet, being told what to do. It hadn’t been hard interacting with the fans; he genuinely loved them. But then he had to deal with everyone else. The other idols, the competitions and even sometimes the members.

            It wasn’t untrue that he and Daehyun were best friends. But sometimes, when Daehyun gets all the high notes and the recognition, Youngjae wonders if he was wasting his time in B.A.P. He was practically useless at this rate. But he kept going because this was his chance to sing and if he could shine, he would try his best to.

            They were headed on their way to the States. This was another dream come true and sometimes, Youngjae feels guilty for complaining so much. They were barely out of rookie status and already they were doing things so many other more accomplished artists haven’t. He should be grateful. But he still felt so restricted.

            Youngjae tapped a rhythm on his iPod, thinking that maybe music would distract him. But all he could think about was the fact that they had less than two weeks to perform four concerts, conduct a million interviews, film music videos and still look happy. He was still a teenager. Zelo was even younger. How in the world are they supposed to hold up?

            The first concert passed quickly, and it was fairly enjoyable. The crowd in America was boisterous, loud, supportive and it was a nice change to hear the fans sing along and dance to their songs. That was a good sign. But the moment the concert was over, they were shuttled away to their hotels because fans couldn’t follow and they had to rest. They had another concert coming up.

            Youngjae rubbed at the remainder of the makeup and grimaced. The dark circles under his eyes were fairly visible now and he shuddered. When had he gotten so old? He pursed his lips and decided that he was going to go out and take a walk, clear his mind.

            He slipped into regular clothes and didn’t tell the others. They were mainly passed out, tired from the late concert. Youngjae walked the streets by himself and while staring at a particularly bright sign, he slammed into someone.

            “Oomph, I’m sorry,” she said.

            Youngjae ducked his head, a little shy at speaking English. “It’s okay.” She smiled at him and he gestured before him. “Where are you going?”

            She shrugged. “Just walking around. Are you Korean?” it was a random question and he nodded eagerly, as she knew to switch to her native language as well. “Why are you here?”

            He hesitated. It was clear that she didn’t know who he was, and he wanted to keep it that way. “I’m on tour with a bunch of my friends. We wanted to see California.”

            She held out her arms. “Welcome! But it’s quite late for tourists to be out and about alone though.”

            He shrugged. “I like seeing the scenery by myself.” She walked with him companionably and Youngjae knew to keep his distance. Nothing would ever come of it, because simply, the idol life didn’t allow couples to date. It was an unwritten rule in the industry and even though some deviated, it rarely ended happily.

            She was animated as she talked, and for a few minutes, Youngjae could lose himself in her happy chatter. He responded and found that they shared many similar tastes and interests. He didn’t tell her what he did, keeping her in the dark. But as they looped around the park for the tenth time, he knew it was time to go.

            If he went to sleep any later, he would collapse during their interview the next day. He stared at her longingly for a second before extinguishing any possible romantic feelings he could have had. It was too late for that. He simply couldn’t do it.

            Youngjae dropped her off and waved, wanting to keep a memory of her, this brief taste of a freedom he had signed away. She waved and said, “See you around!” But he knew that wasn’t happening. After tomorrow’s interview, it was off to Los Angeles and then they would be separated again.

            He bit his lip and kept walking back to the hotel, back to the company, back to the reality that was his life.

I really hope this isn't true of any idol but I felt like I needed to sort of right this.

It's definitely not accurate at all, but still. Just a little message.

Let's all be better fans so we can make them proud of us and themselves