You rolled on your side and stared at the two rings, laying abandoned on the dressing table. Yours was on top of his and the diamond on it caught a light from outside the window and it sparkled. You let out a sigh.

            A hand reached out in the darkness and you were held by a strong grip. “Round two?” Just his words themselves were enough to inspire desire. Your heart raced and you tore your gaze from the rings to him. Daehyun blinked at you and once more, you surrendered yourself to his touch.

            Unlike the previous times the two of you made love, you were concentrated this time on the details. It wasn’t just mindless passion. You gripped his arm and glanced at the ring on your left hand. The stone was cut into the shape of a star and the band was made of a delicate white gold. You turned your finger so that the jewel sparkled from the light.

            Daehyun’s lips were soft caresses as he brushed yours and you focused your attention back on him. His dark eyes bore into yours and you watched the pink slip of his tongue swipe across his puffy lips. You didn’t close your eyes because you wanted to stare at him, to memorize him, to instill him into every fiber of your being.

            When he moved in you, you thought about what made him different, special. He knew your body well enough to time his movements. His heartbeats, when they were loud enough for you to hear, coincided with yours perfectly. Just one touch by him, one look from him, was enough to steal your breath away.

            His body fit against yours, so perfectly as if the two of you have been molded together and separated only for necessity. Daehyun whispered your name and you blinked, coming back to the moment again. His face came closer to you and he kissed you. Every kiss from him was something special. He poured all his emotions behind each one and this one held love, tender and sweet, desire, firm and urgent, and the bittersweet of something you couldn’t put words to.

            He slipped his tongue into your mouth and you adjusted your body, letting him settled closer. He was still moving and you could feel the perspiration on his back. With each , the muscles you were holding tippled and he placed his hands by your sides.

            Everywhere he touched you was burning with a fire that could not be controlled. You wrapped your legs around him and pulled him closer. He bared his teeth slightly and your heart rate accelerated. You placed a palm over his heart and felt the quick pulsing. The steady pulse beat a rhythm against your hand.

            “Daehyun,” you whispered and his name hung between the two of you, suspended in the air. He pushed himself in and you arched your back into him, molding the two of you together. The pleasure hit you and you were gasping for breath.

            He rolled over and you slid a leg between his as he draped a blanket over the two of you. Outside, the windows, you could see the street lights as the city continued to move on without the two of you. You blinked your eyes sleepily and he kissed you. “Don’t fall asleep. We don’t have much time.”

            Immediately your eyes flew open. You held his left hand and kissed the band on his finger. “How much time do we have?”

            “I have tonight. You?”

            You shrugged. “Tonight.” But if you could, you would have forever.

            Daehyun reached for you and you placed a hand on his chest his skin as you tried to breathe. “So we can sleep together tonight?” You asked the question tentatively but all your hopes were saturated in each syllable. You were almost scared to hear his response. Normally he was gone by now.

            He chuckled and the sound of his laughter echoed within his chest. “Yes, my love, we can. I’ll give you my lifetime if that’s what you wanted. I promise.” You let out a tiny squeal and threw your arms about his neck, peppering his chin and jaw with kisses.

            “I’ve been wanting this for a long time,” you confessed.

            He pulled you away so he could look at you. “Dream come true?” He teased.

            You bit your lip and narrowed your eyes. “Are you making fun of me?”

            This caused Daehyun to reward you with his bright smile. “Of course not.” He tucked your head under his chin and inhaled. “Jasmine and mint tea,” he concluded. “My favorite scent.” He kissed the top of your head and you wrapped your arms around his waist, loving the feel of his skin against yours. “Actually waking up with you in my arms is my dream come true too,” he admitted. You nuzzled his neck and took in his smell. It was a mix of comfort, happiness and desire.

            He played with your hair and started to sing. You loved his voice and hearing it right by your ear stirred your emotions. You stared at his lips, watching them move and then focused on his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

            Daehyun cupped your face and your heart raced. You took his left hand and played with the ring on it. It too had a white gold band and a matching star. “I like my ring on you.”

            He nodded. “I wear it whenever I can.” You smiled at him and placed your hand by his.

            “Look, Daehyun. Two stars side by side, just like us.”

            He kissed your temple. “I only need your by my side. That’s all that matters.” You moved your face so he landed on your lips. He snagged your waist again and you buried yourself into his arms. As you fell asleep, you had the idea that everything was going to be perfect.

            You woke up and saw Daehyun’s flawless face centimeters from yours. You playfully pecked his lips and nose. “Rise and shine, handsome!” He broke out into his beautiful smile and tickled you. But underneath your happy giggles, you remembered that it was morning and the two of you only had last night.

            His phone rang and you jumped. Last night had been just the two of you and now real life was here to interfere. “Hello?” He had gotten off the bed and was putting on his pants. “What?” his face paled. You sat there, still with the blanket pulled up to your chin and watched him.

            “What do you mean?” he sounded worried and you moved to comfort him. But Daehyun turned so his back was to you and started threading on his belt. When he hung up, he refused to meet your eyes.

            “Are you okay?” He didn’t respond so you repeated your question, a little louder. His head snapped up and he looked in pain.

            “I can’t see you anymore. Oh my gosh. What the hell had I been thinking? We can’t see each other. This needs to stop.” He was shaking.

            You touched his hand. “What happened?” It was impossible to hide the hurt in your voice.

            “She’s pregnant. I can’t do this to her when she’s carrying my child.” You flinched but tried not to let it show. It only made sense that he still slept with her. They were married, after all. But you couldn’t help but think of all the times you’ve pushed your husband away, wanting to keep yourself for Daehyun.

            You nodded mutely and he pulled his shirt over his head. “I don’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. Just, erase my number, okay? We’ll need to stay away from each other. Oh my gosh, a baby, a freaking baby.” He tugged on the ring you had given him, a token of your love. His hands were trembling.

            The phone rang again and he reached for it. The ring which had been tugged loose, now fell, rolling underneath the bed. There was a low ping that sounded when it dropped that echoed in the hollow chambers of your heart.

            He left the room and you wrapped the blanket around yourself. Your legs ached and you bent down to pick up the ring. You placed it next to yours, staring at the twin stars before taking it off and putting on the cumbersome ring your husband gave you.

            You checked out of the hotel using the fake names the two of you had come up with. You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for your husband’s questions. The moment you stepped through the door, he took your hand. “Where have you been?”

            You forced a smile on your face. “I stayed at work. They have a rush order and I needed to finish.” Then your stomach flipped and a wave of nausea overcame you. “Excuse me,” you pushed past him.

            He came into the bathroom and held your hair behind you as your heaved into the toilet. His hand patted circles on your back and tears not from the gag reflex came to your eyes. After you rinsed, he picked you up to bed. “I think you need to rest. Did you eat at all last night?”

            You closed your eyes. Last night when Daehyun fed you one piece of kimbap after the other, moving his hands away, toying with you. Last night when you ate strawberries out of his mouth and he promised you a life time. You shook your head.

            The weight from the bed lifted as your husband stood. “Then I’ll go make you breakfast. You work so hard, hon.” You grabbed his hand, your mind racing and pulled him on top of you. “It’s nothing,” you told him as you kissed him. You could already feel that he was getting hard and took full advantage of it

            It has been five months since you’ve slept with him. Five months of excuses, lies, rejection and preservation for Daehyun. But today, you needed to erase him. You hated it but your mind still couldn’t stop the comparison.

            The two of you were jagged pieces, brought together awkwardly. His touch didn’t ignite you but you could feel the warmth and protection he could offer. And when he came, a few seconds before you did, you almost savored the reverent way he said your name.

            With Daehyun it had been an equal give and receive. But here, you were the treasured one. In a erse echo of last night, your husband rolled to his side and held you to him. You were calculating still. One month should be enough to fool him.

            You looked at him and saw that he had been staring at you the whole time. “Are you happy?” And continuing on your life of lies, you nodded because what he didn’t know won’t hurt him.

            You worked to fill the gap Daehyun had left. There were no more excuses, and you were with your husband every night. “Good,” he said as he massaged your shoulders. “You work too hard anyway.”

            Sometimes, unwittingly, you would find yourself thinking about Daehyun. Sometimes your husband would catch you observing his features in the middle of the night. His eyes were narrower than Daehyun’s. What happens if the baby had wide eyes? And if the baby was dark? How could that be explained when clearly, he was paler than you. You sighed and wondered who the baby would take after.

            Three months later, when all the times you’ve made love had blurred, you dared to go to the doctor. “Congratulations, you’re having a baby! You’re four months along and can start seeing a bit of a bump.” You held your breath and peeked at your husband.

            He grinned broadly at you. “We’re having a baby sweetheart!” A wave of resentment overcame you. He was so easy to fool. When he hugged you, you smiled at him, the bitterness etched on your lips.

            “Yes, yes we are.” But the ‘we’ included Daehyun. Disgusted with yourself, you turned away and pretended to be deep in thought.

            You picked up absent-mindedly when the phone rang. It was an unknown number. “Hello?”

            “It’s me.” You froze and snuck a look to see your husband staring at you. You forced yourself to relax. “Hey. Why are you calling so late?”

            His voice was hoarse, none of the smooth timber that made you shiver. There was a rasp as if he had suddenly taken up cigarettes. “Tonight. Please.”

            “I’m afraid I can’t. I’m busy.” And just to twist the knife a little. “My husband and I have made previous plans.”

            “Tomorrow then. Anything before I lose it.” He let out a sob and that was when you realized the rasp was from tears. His raw emotion you in.

            Your husband was still staring at you. “I suppose I’ll put in an all nighter tomorrow. Everything’s the same. I’ll take after your shift.” Then you ended the call before he could cause you a breakdown.

            “Work again?”

            “Yeah I have to stay in tomorrow.” You avoided his eyes, trying not to hyperventilate.

            “Must you?”

            You gave him a reassuring kiss. “Yes. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of the baby.”

            In your mind, you went over Daehyun’s last words to you. He hadn’t wanted to see you so what was with the sudden change? Your heart caught in your throat and you moved away before your husband could read your thoughts. You had to think.

            Work went by slowly but when the time came, you found yourself lost. You searched for the pulse of anticipation but found that there was only a dread. You held the box of rings in your hands. He had gotten the same room as before. You barely had your fist on the door when it opened and he pulled you in.

            “Daehyun,” you gasped as he kissed you. It felt as if he was devouring you. There no sparks, no tenderness and you felt almost wooden under his touch. His hands gripped your arms tightly. When he calmed down and resorted to kissing the tears on your cheeks, his breathing was ragged. You stared at him. Your lips were bruised and so was your heart.

            “Damn, I miss you,” he whispered. You waited for an explanation for this sudden need for a rendezvous but he offered none. He carried you to the bed and made love to you like before. This time the passion was slow to come, as if defrosting. Your stomach pressed into him and you wondered if he knew.

            Afterwards, he took the velvet box from the table and tossed both your rings carelessly over his shoulder. He got on his knees and slid his ring onto your finger. “Much better.”

            “You almost lost yours,” you accused him. He pressed his lips over yours, shushing you.

            He held you to him and whispered, “She lost the baby.”

            It was sickening to hear and you realized that the baby had been what was keeping him from you. The irony of your situation didn’t fail to hit you. “I can’t sleep with her anymore. She won’t let me touch her. I’m all yours.”

            Tears fell and he wiped them away. “What’s the matter? Don’t cry, sweetheart. I’m here.”

            You couldn’t put the pain into words. “I love you.” You shut your eyes against his words.

            “How long do we have?” It was the old question. You had to ask him to gain a sense of normalcy.

            “Forever. You?”

            “Tonight. Just tonight.”

            “Then we’ll have to make the best of it.” He tugged your leg over his hip and kissed the hollow of your throat. He studied your rings. “This was a promise from a long time ago wasn’t it?”

            “We were eighteen. Why did you leave?” You wanted answers.

            “Your dad wanted me to make something of myself. By the time I came back, you were married.”

            You were silent and you looked at him. “Why did you marry her?”

            “Obligation. I owed her a favor.”

            “Are you happy with her?”

            Daehyun stared at you. “Why does that matter? You make me happy. You’re all I need.”

            “So you’re masochistic.” He looked at you questioningly. “You would have given me up. Wouldn’t you be unhappy then?”

            “Sweetheart, that was just a freak reaction, my guilt. That’s all. I’m back, aren’t I?”

            “Because she lost the baby. If she were still pregnant, I may never see you again.”

            He was silent and you sighed. The silence spoke the truth louder than his words. You cupped Daehyun’s face and stared at him. This was the man you loved. This was the person you were supposed to grow old with. When you closed your eyes and kissed him, you only tasted the tang of decisions made and time lost.

            He wrapped his arms around you and sang to you. “Go to sleep sweetheart. I’ll see you in the morning.” But even that made you sick. The two you had switched lines.

            When you opened your eyes, you found him still staring at you. “Go to sleep Dae.” You touched a finger to his puffy lips.

            He smiled, melancholy and pensive. “I had a dream that I woke up and you weren’t there.”

            Your heart pounded. “Go sleep. I’ll be here in the morning.” A promise.

            When you woke up again, you saw that your hand was next to his. The two stars were facing you, side by side. “I only need you by my side,” his voice echoed. You placed his hand on your stomach and felt a tiny kick. Or maybe you imagined it.

            You looked at Daehyun. It would be so easy to get a divorce, to be with him. But you knew that wasn’t possible. As quickly as he came, he could leave again. He had proved that to you. Who knew what obligations would come up only to have Daehyun leave you again?

            You thought about your husband, innocent and snoring. He always snored. Then you looked at   Daehyun. He was vulnerable in sleep too. He was lonely. He wanted to wake up with you by his side. And you had promised. Just like he had promised you forever.

            But what good were promises if they were made to be broken? You sighed and kissed him one more time. You slid off the star ring and placed it next to his.

            When he wakes up, he’ll find it and understand. There was a sourness in your mouth and you almost gave in. But you knew there would be no future, not for you too. He shifted and you held your breath. The ring slid closer to him. You dressed and stared at him again. You wanted to change your mind but nothing stopped you.

            This time it was truly goodbye. You stepped out the door, closing it gently behind you. Maybe one day, the two stars will be side by side again but today was not the day.

 

 

i wrote this out longhand as well

eh shortened it a little but i hope you all like it anyway