Jongup wasn’t openly self-hating. He was just self-deprecating in a way that if you blinked, you would miss it. “Hey, let’s go play basketball!” Yongguk enthused on their way home after school. The other boys were up for it but Jongup groaned.

            “Nah, I’m too short to be of any good.”

            “Hey, you make killer jump shots!” This was from Daehyun, someone whose basketball skills made the jump shots easy.

            Even though Jongup laughed it off, in reality, he hated it. He hated that he was so short and would sometimes resent Junhong for his tall stature. He knew that it was mainly genetics, that there was nothing he could do about it. But sometimes, he wishes that he could have the extra two or three inches to make himself more pleasing to look at.

            “Ugh, I’ve had to shake her off so many times.” Himchan shuddered and plopped down on the bench.

            The other boys laughed and lamented the various admirers they’ve had to deal with at school. Jongup kept quiet. He had his share of girls who liked him, but he was positive that it was only because of his friends that they were interested. After all, when he looked at himself in the mirror every morning, or rather on the occasions where he wanted to, he didn’t see much to look at.

            “Hey Jongup, what happened to that girl who followed you home from work?”

            He shrugged and smiled a little wryly. “She probably was hoping that I would introduce her to one of you.”

            The only one who truly picked up on his issues would be Yongguk. Older and wiser, his hyung tended to notice the small comments Jongup made and once talked to him about it. “Hey, you know if there’s anything you want to talk about, you can always come to me,” the older boy had offered.

            Jongup smiled and shook his head. “I’m perfectly dandy.”

            Yongguk had smiled. “You know everyone is unique, as much of an oxymoron as that is. But there is something about every person that would turn heads. For example, Himchan has his looks and his loudness. You, you have your passion and your dancing talent as well as your very admirable muscular build.”

            Jongup laughed then, knowing that Yongguk was trying to cheer him up and make him feel better without directing addressing the issue. Because Jongup is grateful, he doesn’t tell Yongguk that he was wasting his breath, and his words.

            Low self-esteem would be the condition that the psychiatrist would diagnose him with. But for Jongup it seemed to be something a little bit more than that. It was more than just finding fault with him, it was the fact that he simply could not love himself. There were few things about himself that he found tolerable, and soon he found flaws in that too.

            He could dance confidently, but once he was off the stage and had to be himself again, he was back to being Moon Jongup who didn’t have any talent and didn’t quite have anything going for him. He knew that others would say that he was being too hard on himself but it was the truth as he saw it.

            Jongup smiled a lot in public because people who smiled seemed friendlier and were more approachable. And he wanted to be that way. He didn’t like himself, so he might as well let other people like him for him.

            He didn’t’ see it as a sickness. He was just himself. He had no plans to commit suicide, no plans to stop being himself. He just didn’t like being in the skin he was in, didn’t like the fact that he was who he was. And that was that.

            It wasn’t a sickness, or an illness, he decided. It was just simply his opinions and whoever told him otherwise was trying to change him. Jongup didn’t need to be changed. He didn’t need a new mindset. As long as he could put on a front and convince the others that he was happy, then he could find some sort of comfort in that. 

this is for tinyboom

I'm not sure if this was what you wanted so I hope you like it anyway~