You unwrapped the first letter and ran your eyes over its contents. There was the familiar handwriting and your heart suddenly felt all better. It had been three weeks and now this was a relief. You fanned your eyes to try and hold back the tears, laughing at how sentimental you were being. You knew he would be okay, but without the nearly daily letters to keep you company, you were about to go insane.

            It was amazing what he could do to you. One unread letter, a piece of paper filled with his handwriting was all you need to make you smile again. You looked at your arm and decided, today, you were going to eat. He always hated it whenever you appeared thinner. Again, your heart squeezed. You wanted him back, to feed you, to encourage you to smile.

            You placed his letter down, along with the package that came with it and went to the kitchen. You stared at your calendar, with each day marked with an X as it passed. Then your eyes fell on the bottle of pills and you swallowed. There was still a week left before he was able to come visit you. You could make it without having a breakdown.        

            You opened the refrigerator and winced. There was barely anything edible. You rummaged behind the salad and found a molding sandwich. You imagined what Daehyun would say and sighed. You missed his voice. He had only been gone for five months. You could make it through another nineteen. You just had to be strong.

            Your hands itched for a pill but you grimaced. Daehyun always told you to take one only when you really needed it. But you didn’t need it today. You took the bottle and flung it into the sink, happy to hear the thud of the plastic against the enamel. You didn’t need medication when you had his letter.

            You glanced at the envelope, waiting enticingly at the edge of the coffee table, but forced yourself to pull on a sweater. You slipped on a pair of boots and ran a hand through your hair. It was a beautiful day out, and the sun felt like a kiss against your skin. You skipped slightly to the market and bought food, real grocery that you would normally get when he was home, and decided you were going to treat yourself to a meal.

            You paid and thanked everyone, smiling as you did so. Daehyun’s letter was here, and you were happy. You ran into your kitchen and grabbed out the pan, and threw the tomato sauce in, mixing the rice and meatballs. When you were done, you grabbed a pot and made yourself comfortable on the couch. You were going to read his letter.

Jagiya, it started out. Seeing his familiar handwriting made your heart beat faster and you ran a finger over the edges. He always wrote a little too harshly and made etches into the paper. He had his slightly narrow, a bit lopsided heart next to the endearment and you giggled. Just having him by you made you feel healed all over. Somehow, you managed to forget the shadows that bothered you.

            I’m sorry I wasn’t able to write. You must be cursing me in your head. “Bad Daehyun! That jerk, he doesn’t even bother to write to me anymore,” right? You rolled your eyes. Of course he would put words in your mouth. Never once have you thought about scolding him. You had just been sad, withdrawing further into yourself. Training is really hard, but I’ll be back like a man! This is what the army does, and I have so much respect for our soldiers now.

            How are you? Have you been eating? I hope so. I like my precious to be chubby when I see her next. If I hug you and feel bone, Daehyunnie will be really sad, so don’t think of doing something stupid like go on a diet, okay? You circled your thumb and forefinger around your wrist and winced. To compensate, you took an extra-large bite of the rice you had made, feeling your stomach expand.

            I know you’re wondering if I’m doing okay, and I am! It’s a lot of fun being with Youngjae and even though his stomach is a bit too weak to take some of the food here, I’m eating well. We’re both exercising and I want to come back to you strong enough to carry you all day in my arms. You tilted your head back on the couch. He was so silly.

            I want you to take good care of yourself. I also don’t want you to worry about me. I won’t be able to come back for a while. They took away the week because they wanted to speed up our training. I’ll be back for New Year, so please don’t be sad. I recorded myself singing for you. Listen to it when you sleep, and please, stay happy. Daehyun likes to see his precious smile!

            Your hands trembled and you reread the message he had tried to sneak in between all his happier words. Your eyes scanned the few words over and over and you felt your heart sink. You closed your eyes and breathed in and out heavily. Suddenly, all the food you had was too much and you fought the urge to throw it all up. You got up shakily and only landed on the ground again. For a long time, you stared helplessly at the blank television screen as you counted down the days to New Year. It was two months. You had prepared yourself for five months, not seven.

            You shook your head to keep the thudding headache from overcoming you. You had to think. You had to breathe. You tore at the brown packaging and the CD fell into your hand. You went to the stereo that he had gotten you, a vintage by now, and placed it in. His soothing voice fell over your ears and you closed your eyes. You shook but you were determined. For Daehyun, you would not take your pills. You walked to the sink and stared at the bottle.

            You sought the release it gave you, the blissful sleep but you took the pills and threw them into the garbage bin. You bit your lip as you curled on the couch, the food abandoned as you struggled to reach a state where you didn’t have to think.

            Unlike his other letters, this one you did not reread. This one you did not look over. This one you hid under the cushion of the sofa so you didn’t have to see it. Instead, night after night, after you came back from work, you went to the stereo and played the CD so you could hear Daehyun’s voice.

            The months passed slowly, even slower than the previous ones have but you forced yourself. The food you made tasted like nothing, but for Daehyun, you forced your mouth to move, to chew. Even when you craved the pills, you forced your eyes open so you could function. You didn’t want to break apart like you had before. Before, when Daehyun had to pick you up and glue the pieces together with his love. You wanted to be whole for him when he comes back.

            It was snowing that night. The CD was playing and you had fallen asleep, crying like you always did. You felt it first before you smelled something familiar. It was a soft brush across your cheek, across your lips and then there was the recognizable span of hands holding your waist and a weight that only fit with you. There was his voice again, but this time, it wasn’t in the air, it was right by your ear.

            You opened your eyes and saw him. Daehyun smiled at you, and you could see the tears that flowed down his cheeks as well. You cupped his face and he looked over you anxiously. You smiled and kissed him. “I took care of myself for you,” you told him and laughed through your tears as you felt all the hurt in your past finally close together as you listened to his voice, and his breathing, right by your side.

I'm so sorry for not updating in so long. I've been so busy and it's really. Mental breakdowns, quite literally. I guess it sort of showed through this. I didn't really expect this to be like this. I didn't mean for me to let my dark emotions permeate through this, and I know there is really no basis in this story, it's just a moment, a confusing if anything, character, and I'm sorry. I cried a couple times writing this even though it's just another story.

This is for agnes101397 and I'm sorry you had to wait so long and get something so dreary and incomprehensible. 

I'm just a bundle of apologies right now, and I'm not sure when I can next update, if I can still make the January 3rd request deadline. I'm just :/ I'm sorry for dragging you all into this mess.