Kyungsoo flinched as he looked at his face in the small mirror he held in his hands.

He had bruises all over, some of them more noticeable than the others.

He still felt pain in the rest of his body, but he wanted to believe this was going to be the last time.

He had already decided to go to China.

He didn’t care that because of this beating he had lost the job opportunity his friend had given him.

He just wanted to go away.

Fly away from all this pain.

After five days in the hospital, avoiding the doctor’s questions on how he got so beaten and trying to get better he just wanted to go to his apartment, pick up his things and disappear for good.

He wasn’t sure what Jongin was doing while he was at the hospital, but he had the idea that he may have been in parties or at the dancing studio.

Kyungsoo was never expecting the other to visit him in those situations, not when Jongin was the one responsible for it, but he hoped the other wouldn’t be there anymore to stop him from going away.

He closed his eyes trying to relax a bit more knowing the doctor would soon enter and ask him more questions like all the previous times, like telling him he should go to the police if he knew who the aggressor was.

But Kyungsoo would stay in silence as always.

He just wanted to leave everything behind.

But what he didn’t expect was the doctor entering the room with a concerned face holding a small piece of paper in his hands.

Kyungsoo gave him a nervous smile, but the doctor just put the paper in his pocket and started the normal procedure.

When he finished, and after telling Kyungsoo he could go home, instead of asking the questions the patient wanted to avoid, he took the paper out of his pocket and sighed.

“Kyungsoo-ssi…I remember you told me you didn’t have anyone in Seoul who could be your guardian…”

Kyungsoo’s eyes opened wide and he bit his lip even when it hurt because of the cut he had in it.

What did he mean?

Was Jongin there to see him?

Or was one of his friends that had migrated to China?

But before Kyungsoo could ask, the doctor showed him the paper he had been holding that in fact was a small picture.

In it Kyungsoo and Jongin smiled happily as they held a heart shaped balloon in the middle.

Kyungsoo’s hands started to tremble.

Now he was sure it was Jongin.

Why did he have to appear when he had finally decided to let go?

“Kyungsoo-ssi…”

The doctor’s voice surprised him as his anxiety started to increase.

“This picture belongs to a patient that got admitted to the hospital the same day you did. He was unconscious and today he woke up asking for you.”

Kyungsoo looked down.

He didn’t want to think about it anymore.

He didn’t want to listen to the doctor anymore.

He didn’t want any more questions.

He didn’t want to face Jongin.

“That patient has partial memory loss...he can remember who he is, but has skipped some years and some events in his life…”

Kyungsoo had to look up after hearing those words.

He wanted to believe his desire to scape was greater than this, but he knew that as soon as he heard that Jongin was in the hospital, his heart started to ache and if he could, he would have run to him.

But his mind was telling him the contrary.

He should avoid Jongin and anything related to him.

But also his mind was intrigued now.

Memory loss…

But Jongin could still remember who he was?

Would he still remember the times he cheated on him?

The times he shouted at him?

The times he hit him until the other was completely numb?

Or what was what he remembered?

The times when he hugged and kissed him?

The times when he smiled and loved Kyungsoo?

Because that love seemed to be long lost.

“Kyungsoo-ssi…if you want to visit him, he is in room 7-5 at the end of the hallway.”

And with these words the doctor bowed and left the room, but not before putting the picture in the small table near Kyungsoo’s bed.

He didn’t want to look at it.

It sickened him to remember those happy moments when Jongin would be his and would shower him with love.

But his heart still ached.

Was Jongin ok?

Was he badly hurt?

He didn’t have anyone beside Kyungsoo to be with him.

He was just as lonely as Kyungsoo.

They only had each other when Jongin’s parents died in a car accident and when Kyungsoo’s mom died because of a degenerative disease.

Kyungsoo never really felt bitter about his dad disappearing when he was a kid, he believed he had a pretty good life with his mom while they were together, but Jongin always had problems with his parents, and yet his world crumpled even more when they weren’t there anymore.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if that was the beginning of his changing attitude, but he could only remember the first time Jongin hit him.

It was months after his mother had died.

They have moved together to a small apartment and when things seemed pretty normal to Kyungsoo, Jongin returned home drunk and hit him.

The one and only time.

That was what Kyungsoo thought it was.

But it wasn’t.

And three years later when he finally decided to put it to an end, he end up sitting in his wheelchair looking at Jongin’s sleeping figure in the hospital bed.

Because he couldn’t hate Jongin as much as he wanted.

Even if it hurt, he was still there to embrace him, to embrace the pain.

Because his heart was fragile.

Because his reason was pushed back by memories.

Happy memories that came to his mind every time he saw Jongin sleep.

Because he looked peaceful, because he looked harmless.

Because that was the last image he wanted to have of him instead of his angry face as he hit him.

“I’m sorry that I still think of you, that I still love you…

That I won’t be able to completely let you go in the end.”

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the last lines are from the English translation of the song