title:  lost in your eyes

author: immobilize

chapters: two chapters, ongoing

pairing: daehyun/oc, kris/oc

Title: 0/5 

The title has nothing to do with the story. From where I stand, it's completely irrelevant. The chapter titles were very odd. 

First Impression: 0/10

There's nothing in the description and foreward save for a single quote which by far, doesn't tie in with the story. All I see is giant font and overly done aesthetics which are unnecessary in conveying your message. I'm flying blind, I don't know the rough outline of your story and that isn't at all a good thing. The readers don't even get a teensy sneak preview of your writing style/capabilities. I thought there was going to be in chapter two, but there wasn't. Please check your labels more thoroughly.

Character Portrayal: 8/20

Your protagonist was incredibly irritating. She's your generic female lead, ditzy, immature and boring, like the Jangmi before her. (in referral to my previous review, the character was too, named Jangmi.) There's nothing special about her, no distinguishing traits. Her character could be any other female protagonist roaming the vast realm of Asianfanfics, where most female leads are simply carbon copies of each other, traits mostly taken from the worst of Korean dramas. Daehyun seems in-character, fun and carefree. He doesn't have any dimension to his character, though. He needs more substance as the protagonists' best friend. Right now he's just there, a plot device to fulfil the fantasies of a delusional reader. Myungsoo's role as the dashing, fiesty barista was something new and fun. I like how you didn't portray him as the cold city guy he is in a billion other fanfictions. His personality, story-wise suits his position as a barista. He's there to make sales, attract customers and serve drinks all while remaining pleasant and approachable.  

Plot: 0/20

What plot? There isn't a goal evident to the readers. You're simply running us through the life and times of your generic protagonist. 

Mechanics: 5/15

You've described things well, even if there were many words used out of context. There were grammatical errors aplenty, but your word choices were quite impressive. I had a problem with your constantly switching tenses, and how your characters sound extremely robotic. Here, I'll give you a prime example.

"Umm, Jangmi... Beware not to salivate on my cheesecake!"

You don't tell someone not to salivate on your cheesecake. Would anyone say that to you physically? Think about it, writing speech works best when you're thinking about how it would sound in real life. Study the people around you. How do they speak? They aren't excessively formal, are they?  

Another thing that bugged me was the fact that in chapter two, you've actually used Super Junior's lyrics in an actual sentence. Not speech, but a living, breathing (well, figuratively) sentence. There are a million possible ways you could have described Myungsoo's relationship status, and how your protagonist expressed her interest in him. 

I'll also put it out there that your sentences are choppy. They're oddly cut, words jumbled together so weirdly that the only thing coming to mind for a description is a messed up jigsaw puzzle. Work on your grammar and try creating a flow with your words. Readers are more drawn to writing that captivates them, something that pulls them in and makes it hard for them to tear their eyes away from the screen. 

Pace: 0/5

The pace is painfully slow. I don't get the purpose of the story. Its slow, draggy and doesn't have an ultimate purpose, well, maybe not that I know of, as there wasn't a foreward I could have referred to. Kudos to you for painstakingly describing every little detail of everything the character's are faced with, but it's taking up too much of the story and your readers will eventually lose interest.

Aesthetics: 0/5

You've focused too much of your attention on the story's aesthetics than it in itself. The foreward and description, not only are they lacking substance, but from my point of view looks like a discombobulated mass of html gone wrong. It's messy and distracting. I also didn't quite like how you used black font for the character's speech. Stick to one thing, please. 

Writing Style: 2/10

I'm impressed by your vocabulary. Despite english not being your first language, I can say with certain words you've used, you've done quite decently. It takes time and hard work to improve, especially when it comes down to the proper usage of big words, but when you've got it covered then it's safe to say you'll do alright.

X-Factor: 0/10

The story bored me. I don't know what you're trying to get at. Is this a wish-fulfilment story? I honestly had to push on just to get through chapter two for a thorough review. 

Total: 15/100