UNCALCULATED DECISIONS

 

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han called, taking the younger boy’s right hand in his as Sehun struggled in his sleep. “Sehun-ah, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

 

But Sehun couldn’t get out from his dream state. He was moving restlessly in his sleep, sweaty skin grazing the cold sheets of his bed as he whimpered louder and louder.

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han tried again, this time gently shaking one of his shoulders. “Hey, come on, Sehun, wake up!”

                      

Sehun’s shirt was glued to his skin, drenched in his cold sweat and Lu Han started to panic when he placed an arm on the other boy’s forehead. Sehun’s body heat was crazy. His fever hadn’t come down at all no matter how many pills, medicines, and vitamins he’d absorbed before he went to sleep earlier.

 

Sehun was crying now, sobbing in his sleep like a child when he was actually eighteen years-old. “No…” Sehun spoke with his eyelids closed. His fingers were clutching tight to the bed sheets. “You can’t… leave me…”

 

Lu Han stared at him in horror before he put extreme efforts to wake him up, slapping Sehun’s cheeks until the pale skin turned red and shook his shoulders so hard. “Wake up, Sehun! WAKE UP!”

 

Sehun opened his eyes with a jolt and his lips were parted in silent scream. “H-hyung…” he croaked out as he stared dazedly at him but his pupils were still wide in shock. “I…” Sehun rubbed his eyes, noticing they were producing hot tears without his permission. “Why am I crying?”

 

Lu Han breathed out in relief as he fell down to the wooden chair he kept behind Sehun’s bed. The Chinese boy had been sleeping in his seat with his arms and head placed on the side of Sehun’s bed before the younger one started screaming behind closed eyes.

 

“You had a nightmare, you ,” Lu Han said, huffing but still smiling in relief. “Don’t scare me like that.”

 

“Oh…” Sehun rubbed the tears away with his thumb and index finger, but new tears kept on forming again and again until he couldn’t stop them from falling. “I… I can’t stop crying,” he said before he blew up once again. This time, he curled his knees to his chest and sobbed audibly as he buried his face between them.

 

“It hurts…” Sehun whimpered, sniffling hard. “Hyung, it hurts…”

 

Lu Han leaned closer and wrapped an arm comfortingly around Sehun’s bony shoulders. He didn’t know what he was referring to, and somehow the pain and the shiver that ran through his body made Lu Han feel like this wasn’t just a nightmare for him. It felt too real. Sehun was acting like he was being traumatic over something.

 

“Hey, come on. It’s okay,” Lu Han whispered. “Stop crying.”

 

Sehun shook his head and cried louder. He even had to bite on his knuckles to keep him from screaming.

 

Lu Han could feel how his entire body was quivering under his arm. “It’s all right, Sehun-ah. It’s just a dream.”

 

Sehun meekly nodded his head but he didn’t stop weeping.

 

Lu Han patted the younger’s head, waiting for a few moments to let Sehun sobbed all the pain and scary images in his head away. “You know, Sehun-ah, they say that nightmares often occur because they don’t talk about their problems or their fears out loud.” The Chinese boy rubbed a line along his upper back to calm him down. “You know you can always talk to me, right? Whatever it is, Hyung’s here to listen.”

 

“I know,” Sehun sobbed to his own palm.  “I know.”

 

But Sehun never said anything and it made Lu Han itch for something he wasn’t really sure about. Sehun was hiding something from him—a problem—but Lu Han didn’t have any clue about it. Which was rather weird because Sehun had always been straightforward, telling him about what he wanted or didn’t want to do. But now suddenly, he became so quiet and secretive. Lu Han tried to bottle his curiosity inside to the deepest pit of his heart, and focused in taking care of his dongsaeng first.

 

“It’s all right, Sehunnie,” Lu Han said, whispering softly. “Whatever it is, it’s gonna be all right.”

 

***

 

“Hyung, where the hell have you been?” The door and the walls of Lu Han’s new apartment muffle Sehun’s voice and Lu Han remembers that the boy has been waiting for him in his apartment for hours by now. “I’ve waited for like—” Sehun abruptly stops his grumble and gapes at the glimpse of his Hyung carrying a girl—no, the girl—in his arms. His hand hangs slack on the doorknob after he opens Lu Han’s apartment door just to see this unbelievable sight before his eyes. He does not see this coming at all. “Is she—Why is she here?”

 

“Long story,” Lu Han says, passing through the younger boy and carries Cara to one of the bedrooms in his minimalist apartment.

 

“Long—” Sehun follows Lu Han’s movement with his eyes and he closes the door before he trails after him. “Hyung, what the heck is going—”

 

Lu Han shushes him while he gently lays her down to the clean sheet of his bed. He pulls on his brand new bedcover and covers her body with its warmth. His breath hitches in his throat when Cara slowly shifts in her sleep, but the medicine is still strong enough to keep her unconscious for another few hours.

 

“Sehun, I need to ask you a favor,” Lu Han says the moment he closes the room’s door and settles himself on the living room’s couch. He can tell his body is sticky and drenched in sweat—not from carrying her weight, but from panic. Lu Han may have looked confident back at Cara’s sister house, but now that he’s here, alone in his apartment only with her and a brat who can only whine and complain about things rather than helping, he’s starting to feel stressed from not knowing what to do.

 

“Why don’t you tell me what the hell happened first?” Sehun offers, eyes a bit wider than usual.

 

“No, I…” Lu Han rises from his seat, biting the nail of his right thumb as he walks back and forth on his living room. “Oh , what the am I going to do? She’s going to freak out when she’s awake. Oh God, oh God—”

 

“Hyung!” Sehun calls, reaching a hand to stop him but Lu Han keeps on moving. “Hyung, calm down—”

 

“What am I going to tell her?” Lu Han mutters to himself, rubbing his nape before he yanks at his own hair. “How can I explain this to her—”

 

“Hyung—”

 

“This is not right. She’s going to hate me. What if she thinks I’m kidnapping her—”

 

“Lu Han!”

 

“She’s going to—”

 

Lu Han doesn’t know what just happened but he feels a burning pain on his cheek.

 

He blinks his eyes. Twice.

 

Then he stares at Sehun who’s standing in front of him. “Did you just slap me?” Lu Han asks, mouth parting in disbelief.

 

“You were panicking,” Sehun responds matter-of-factly as he shrugs his shoulders. “It was necessary.”

 

“You probably want to keep your masculinity on check,” the older one replies, glaring at him. “I would’ve totally understood if you’d punched me. But slap me? Damn man, what are you, a girl?” He presses a hand to his cheek. “And it still hurts! But thanks to that, now I’m much more relaxed because the only thing I can think about right now is where should I punch you back for revenge.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Sehun says, rising his hand in surrender. “But, really, Hyung. What the crap is happening? Why is she here? Why is she unconscious? Did she faint or something?”

 

“No, she’s sleeping.” Lu Han rubs his forehead, trying to reduce the headache he’s been having for a while. He’s certain that he already had his dose of caffeine for today, so a cup of coffee is probably not going to help.

 

“Sleeping?” Sehun repeated, struggling to keep up. “How could she be sleeping—Did you drug her?”

 

“What are you—” Lu Han groans when he feels himself stumble forward, as if the floor is shaking underneath his feet. “No, of course not.”

 

“Then why?”

 

“I can’t explain now, please just—” Lu Han tries to squeezes his eyes shut before he opens them. He still feels like the world is spinning before him. “Shut up and just let me breathe for a sec.”

 

Sehun keeps frowning at him with his mouth hangs low on his face, but the younger boy tries to be quiet like he’s told. That is until he examines the red bruise across Lu Han’s right knuckles. “What’s wrong with your hand?”

 

“Huh?” Lu Han glances at his hand, noticing the bruise as well. “Oh, uhh… I hit someone.”

 

“You hit someone?!” Sehun yelps, staring in disbelief. “Who?”

 

Lu Han sighs, trying to wave him off the topic. “Her sister’s husband. Now, can I—”

 

“Why the did you hit her husband?” Sehun raises his voice, looking genuinely surprised. “Hyung, what—”

 

“Sehun!” Lu Han suddenly roars, making Sehun freeze on his feet. “Just please stop talking, okay? I’ll explain when the time is right.”

 

Sehun stays silent with cold eyes and heavy breath. “Fine.”

 

“Look,” Lu Han exhales deeply and throws one apologetic look to Sehun but that’s just it. “Sehun-ah, I need you to go to Vendome hotel and pick up the rest of my stuff there. I can’t leave her alone. I’m staying here.”

 

“O-okay…” Sehun still looks confused when he receives Lu Han’s ID card and the card key to his suite. “Is there no time to explain what happened first?”

 

“It’s not like I don’t want to tell you, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han tries to explain, “It’s more like I can’t tell you. I’m still trying to figure things out myself. I still don’t know how I’m going to explain to her when she’s awake. So please, try to understand and just do as I say for now.”

 

Sehun nods, being obedient for the first time. “I’ll be back here before you know it.”

 

“Thank you, Sehun-ah.”

 

The second Sehun leaves, Lu Han almost falls on his knees, feeling the wave of stress, horror, and anxiety surge through his body again. He takes off his coat, wash his hands and presses an ice pack to his bruised knuckles. He sighs, hearing the streaming sound of the water and although it’s still not enough to calm him down, it’s able to make him think a little bit clearer.

 

Lu Han grabs a mug from one of his kitchen’s cabinets and tries to make a proper lemon tea in it. When he tastes it, it feels too sour on his tongue so he pours it away to the sink and decides to make a hot chocolate instead. When he’s sure its edible and tasty enough for her tongue, he slowly steps inside his room and places the mug right on the small desk beside the bed. Cara is still sleeping soundly in it.

 

Lu Han wants to take a sit on the edge of the bed, and wipes the wild strands of her hair out of her face, but he’s afraid that he’ll scare her. He adores the peaceful look on her face when she’s sleeping—how her pretty lips parted slightly in the most adorable way; how her skin looks so soft but fragile at the same time; and how her long eyelashes flutter against her cheeks. She looks so beautiful and unguarded and Lu Han understands how Prince Charming can immediately fall in love with his Sleeping Beauty: true beauty shows itself when a lady drowns in her sleep. And Cara is just so pure and innocent that makes Lu Han want to curse the world for giving her such cruel reality.

 

Lu Han walks to the most corner side of his room, giving her the space she needs, and keeps the door open as he sits beside the door. He’s going to be there; ready to answer her with a smile and a warm greeting the moment she wakes up, but little does he know, it still takes a while for that moment to come.

 

Lu Han tries to fight the fatigue in his mind and body, but he loses the battle easily.

 

He falls asleep.

 

***

 

“Hyung,” fifteen-year-old Oh Sehun suddenly whispered in Lu Han’s ear, waking him up from his slumber. The older one woke up with a jolt; wide, doe eyes blinking repeatedly, trying to wash away the shock from being woken up abruptly like that. Lu Han was lying on Sehun’s bed in in his attempt to ditch another boring class talking about bilateral agreements in the twentieth century or whatever it was that he didn’t care about. He’d been lazing around on Sehun’s bed, reading the new edition of The Avengers before he’d fallen asleep on his stomach with his cheek pressed against the pillow.

 

“Sehuuuuun,” Lu Han groaned, clearly annoyed as hell while he rubbed his eyes from sleep. “Why the did you have to wake me up?”

 

Sehun pouted at his harsh tone but still had the guts to say, “Hyung, Mom said that it’s not okay to curse.”

 

“Yeah well, I’m ing pissed off, alright!” Lu Han gave him a cold, angry look but as soon as his eyes landed on his droopy ones, Lu Han’s gaze softened. “Okay, fine, sorry for cursing. But I was having a good dream, Sehun-ah.”

 

“Hmm?” Sehun tilted his head to the side as he sat on the edge of his bed, just beside Lu Han’s feet. “What did you dream about, Hyung?” His eyes looked hopeful and Lu Han frowned at the sight.

 

“It doesn’t matter what I dreamt about. It’s all over now.” He exhaled loudly and tossed the bangs out his eyes. “What is it? You better have something important to tell.”

 

Sehun nodded. “It is important, Hyung.”

 

“Then hurry up and tell me so I can go back to sleep.”

 

“Umm…” For the first time in his life, Lu Han witnessed the other boy fidgeting on his seat. Sehun was nibbling on his lower lip, looking absolutely nervous and was that a blush spreading on his cheeks?

 

“Hyung, I think…” Sehun started, voice quiet and shaky. “I think I love you.”

 

Lu Han blinked twice. “Come again?”

 

Sehun blushed—yep, okay, that was definitely a blush—even harder and cleared his throat before he sounded his feelings out loud again. “I think I’m in love with you, Lu Han-Hyung.”

 

“Love,” Lu Han repeated cautiously.

 

Sehun softly nodded.

 

Lu Han tried again, “As in family love?”

 

Sehun shook his head.

 

Lu Han laughed, trying to keep this casual even when the situation was so very awkward and weird, and gay. “You love me as a friend, right? Like, bromance stuff and—”

 

Sehun suddenly took one of Lu Han’s hand and leaned closer to him until Lu Han had no other choice but to fall back to the bed again. Sehun managed to pin him to his bed, hovering above him with his face just a few inches away from the older one’s. “Hyung…”

 

“Whoa whoa WHOA!” Lu Han immediately sat up, pushed Sehun off of him, and backed away until his spine was pressed against the wall. He put his knees between the two of them so Sehun couldn’t get any closer than he was. “Don’t get too hasty there, big boy. What the were you trying to do to me?”

 

“Kiss you,” Sehun said, but Lu Han thought it sounded more like a question than a statement. Whatever it was, though, it had successfully made his skin prickle with horror.

 

Lu Han forced a laugh to make the situation less tense, but he cringed at his own attempt. “You can’t kiss me, Sehun-ah.”

 

“Yes, I can,” Sehun said and he crawled on the bed, managing to grab the back of Lu Han’s neck before the other one could dodge his move and Sehun aimed for his mouth.

 

Lu Han kicked him out of the bed before he could do anything, though.

 

“Ouch, Hyung, that hurts…” Sehun winced as he lay on the floor, his and the back of his skull were throbbing from the sudden fall. “What was that for?”

 

“That was for trying to kiss me, you !” Lu Han climbed down from the bed and threw a pillow on Sehun’s face as he stood beside him. “What, are you crazy?”

 

“No, I’m—”

 

“Are you high?”

 

“No, Hyung—”

 

“You haven’t been drinking, have you?”

 

“No, I’m not even old enough—”

 

“Then why the did you just try to kiss me?” Lu Han snapped. His eyes were wide, partially from anger but mostly from shock. He didn’t think that Sehun could be so aggressive. And he absolutely didn’t think—not even once in his life—that Sehun would be aggressive towards him.

 

“Because I love you! I love you, Xiao Lu. And it’s normal to want to kiss someone when you’re in love. It’s just a way to show you my lov—” Sehun was practically yelling back at him and the other boy had to shush him by throwing another pillow to his face.

 

“You’re not in love with me, you embarrassing little !” Lu Han was blushing but not because he was flattered or happy with Sehun’s confession, but because he was afraid that someone would hear them. Someone like, say, Sehun’s mother downstairs. Lu Han had this overdramatic horrifying images of Sehun’s mother crying on the floor, screaming to God to just kill her already because her only son turned out to love more than s and s.

 

And oh holy , Lu Han thought in his head, she’s going to kill me. She already thinks I’m gay from the way I style my hair—, she’s going to think I’m the one who made her son gay, is she?

 

“Xiao Lu,” Sehun called; his voice sounded needy and rejected. He sat up on the floor and hugged one of Lu Han’s legs before the other one could jump away. “I love—”

 

“Get your hands off me!”

 

“No, listen to me first, Hyung! I can’t stop thinking about you,” Sehun said, not letting him go and Lu Han already wanted to wail because this was so embarrassing. He felt like he was starring in the cheesiest, low-budget Korean TV drama in history. “I wake up in the morning and the first thing that pops up in my mind is you.  And you’re the last face I see before I go to sleep. And—”

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han sighs impatiently. “There’s a picture of me in your nightstand. Maybe that’s why.”

 

The younger one looks at the table beside his bed and notices the small photo frames with pictures of him and Lu Han with matching jerseys on. They had taken that picture after they had their first soccer match, which explained why their clothes were filled with mud and dirt. “No, that’s not it,” Sehun muttered, but he looked somewhat agreeing. Then he continued, “And I always get this feeling that I want to see you all the time, Hyung!”

 

Lu Han rubbed his temple, feeling tired even after he spent two hours long of napping on Sehun’s bed. “Let me ask you, do you have friends other than me?”

 

Sehun thought about it. “No, not really.”

 

“And do you happen to have something you want to talk about or show me? Like games or comic books and stuff?”

 

Sehun immediately nods his head. “Yes. My aunt just gave me about twenty dif—Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

“Because maybe you just want to meet me to show me all that!” Lu Han wanted to yank his hair in frustration. “Sehun-ah, seriously, have you ever tried going out on a date with a girl? Or even had a relationship with one?”

 

“No.”

 

“Have you ever kissed a girl?”

 

“My grandma kissed me.”

 

“I said girl, not old lady.”

 

“Oh. Then, no.”

 

“Hug a girl?” Then Lu Han changed his own question to much simpler one. “Have you even ever had a proper conversation with a girl?”

 

Sehun’s shoulder slumped forward, looking pathetic and sad and miserable. “No, Hyung.”

 

Lu Han could finally drag his leg away from Sehun’s arms and he kneeled in front of the younger one. He put a safe distance between them, just in case. “You’re not in love with me, Sehun-ah. You love me, but not in the homoual way, okay?”

 

Sehun blinks a couple of times, trying to take in what his Hyung just said. The younger one suddenly replaced the hurtful look on his face with a guarded one, and looked at Lu Han with calm eyes. “You don’t remember anything at all, do you, Hyung? About that night?”

 

Lu Han was taken aback by the sudden judgmental tone in Sehun’s voice. “Wh-what night?” he asked.

 

“That night,” Sehun repeated, “That night when you were drunk and—”

 

“Yeah okay,” Lu Han cut in, holding one hand in the air. “You know how crazy I am when I’m drunk, right? Whatever happened, it didn’t mean a thing, Sehunnie. I wasn’t serious. Look, I don’t even remember a thing about—”

 

“Then,” Sehun suddenly crawled one step closer to the older one until Lu Han had to gasp in surprise and fell right on his . “Should I remind you what we were doing then, Hyung?”

 

“Back off! Back off!” Lu Han shrieked, placing his arms to gain him more distance from the boy. “I have personal space issues!”

 

Sehun didn’t budge. In fact, he leaned even closer, pinning the older one to the floor by placing his hands on each side of Lu Han’s head.

 

“If you try to kiss me one more time, Oh Sehun, I’m not going to forgive you easily,” Lu Han said, baring his teeth in the way that effectively made Sehun rethink his action. “You better stop right now.”

 

There’s a flash of pain in Sehun’s eyes and Lu Han knew he just wounded his feelings. But at the moment, he didn’t care, because no matter how he looked at it, this was just wrong. He wasn’t gay, and he dared to swear on his life that Sehun was not too. The poor boy was just only confused over his ual orientation—or at least, that was what Lu Han thought.

 

“I don’t—” Sehun’s lower lip quivered as he tried to speak. “I’m sorry...”

 

Lu Han could finally breathe easily when Sehun took a few steps away from him.

 

The room fell quiet, and just blatantly awkward. Lu Han didn’t let a word out of his mouth. He just continuously rubbed his nape, trying to look away whenever Sehun tried to catch his gaze.

 

“Are you...” Sehun started, biting his lip worriedly, “Are you disgusted by me, Hyung?”

 

“No, of course not,” Lu Han immediately replied, and it wasn’t a lie. Not at all. “I’m just surprised and...” He sighed, rubbing his temple before he continued, “Look, Sehun-ah. When you tried to kiss me, did you do it because you wanted to?”

 

Sehun opened his mouth, ready to answer it with his heart but Lu Han shot him a threatening glare. The younger one took a moment to contemplate his answer. “No, Hyung.”

 

The words sounded stiff and perhaps slightly fake. Lu Han knew there was something Sehun was hiding, but he didn’t want to ask about it and just tagged along with the answer he’d given him. “Sehun-ah, do you ever feel like your heart is thumping so loud in your chest whenever you’re close to me?”

 

Sehun hugged his knees to his chest as he looked away. “No.”

 

“Then you’re not in love with me,” he stated.

 

Sehun only stayed in silence.

 

“Sehun-ah, listen to me,” Lu Han said, moving closer to the boy until he could land his hands on his shoulders. “You’re not in love with me, okay? You’re fifteen. You don’t even know what love is.”

 

Sehun blinked slowly, heaving a sigh before he looked up to his Hyung. “But I do really care about you, Hyung.”

 

“I know,” Lu Han smiled, patting his head. “I care about you too, but not in a homoual way, okay, Sehunnie? I love you a lot, you . Not in the way that I want to stick your in my , but more like a family love. I love you like you’re my own brother.”

 

The seriousness in Lu Han’s voice made Sehun smile a little and the boy leaned up to his touch. “I love you too, Hyung.”

 

“Family love?”

 

“Family love.”

 

“Oh, thank God!” Lu Han could finally breathe in relief and fell back to the floor, lying on it. “Aaah you, Oh Sehun, you almost scared me to death!”

 

“But Hyung,” Sehun crawled on top of him, hovering like what he did a few moments ago, but this time, the look on his face was just curious and purely innocent so Lu Han didn’t kick him away. Not yet anyway. “Hyung, what does love feel like then?”

 

“I’ve told you, haven’t I? I don’t believe in love,” Lu Han said, casually checking on his iPhone even when he had a boy practically straddling him. “And get off of me, will you? You’re heavy as and I don’t like being pinned down by men. No offense, but I like my partners to have s instead of .”

 

“Language, Hyung,” Sehun muttered, moving away from his body.

 

The other boy stuck out his tongue. “As long as you don’t copy me, it’s okay, Sehun-ah~”

 

“But don’t you ever wonder, Hyung?” The Korean boy asked, sitting with his back placed against the bed’s foot.

 

“About what? Being pinned down by man? Hmm, actually yes. Once. That was after I saw Baekhyun doing hapkido and he was all sweaty and fierce-looking and it made me wonder how—”

 

“No, Hyung,” Sehun hurriedly stopped him before Lu Han told him his weird fantasy. “It’s not about that.”

 

“Then what is it about?” Lu Han asked as he grabbed his phone and yawned when he received another picture of the girl he slept with last night. “Ugh boring. Doesn’t she know there’s this word called ‘shave’? Delete~”

 

“About love, Hyung,” Sehun continued, slightly disturbed by the way Lu Han wasn’t spending his full attention on him.

 

“Love, love, love,” Lu Han announced with an exasperated sigh. “Why does the world need love anyway? Love is just a big, fat lie. Love is a powerful thing, they say, but the only thing it can do, in my opinion, is to ruin other people’s lives. Take my friend, Baekhyun, for example. I think he used to be cute and innocent when he was a kid, then BAM!” Lu Han smacked the floor with his palm to add more live in his story, but he regretted it soon after because his palm was burning. “Her mom left him, his parents got divorced—even when they had claimed to be forever in love in their wedding vows, I’m sure—and look at Baek now. He’s a ed up human being, wasting his life with girls that don’t even worth his time.”

 

“Aren’t you the same, Hyung?” Sehun asked, and if the boy didn’t ask it so innocently, Lu Han would’ve glared and snapped back at him with harsher words. “And Hyung, I don’t think Baekhyun-Hyung would want people to know about his life like that. Wasn’t it supposed to be a secret?”

 

“Oh come on, Sehun-ah, I tell you everything. Besides, you don’t know Baekhyun personally anyway, so it’s okay,” Lu Han said, trying to defend himself. “And for your first question. I’m different, all right? And let me tell you what makes me different from him. Baekhyun lures girls to his bed by acting nice to them. He’s being all flirty and seductive, yes of course, but he never shows them his true intention. He takes them out on nice dates, acting like he would be the perfect boyfriend if they let him. He sleeps with them, and then ditches them in the morning without a note or whatsoever. He doesn’t call them back. And when he sees them at campus, he would smile and wait for their reaction. If they go angry at him, then he’ll leave them alone. But if they still act nice enough, and if they turned out to be an animal in bed, Baekhyun will repeat his routine once again. Leaving them on the next morning will always be the plan though.”

 

Sehun knitted his eyebrows together. “And you don’t do that, Hyung?”

 

“What, ditching them in the morning?” Lu Han asked, finally putting back his cellphone to his jeans’ pocket. “Oh I do too, but unlike him, I already show my real intention from the beginning. If I like a girl and I want to sleep with her, I approach her, I talk to her, but I don’t take her out on dates. I don’t tell them how pretty they look and how nice they smell. I tell her straight away that I want to bring her back to my place. If she refuses, I’ll move on and try to find other girls. If she’s just as much of a as I am, then we’ll do it. It’s just as simple as that. Baekhyun is a lot meaner than me. Baekhyun lies to their faces. Baekhyun pretends. Me? I’m honest. Always am. And more importantly, I don’t play with their hearts.”

 

Sehun looked like he was deep in thought. “I don’t think so, Hyung. I think you’re a lot more cruel.”

 

“Oh?” Lu Han seemed interested, laying on his stomach and propped his chin up with his elbows. “And how so?”

 

“Because Baekhyun-Hyung treats them like people with feelings,” Sehun said and Lu Han frowned at the words. “Baekhyun-Hyung treats them as human beings, while you, Hyung, you treat girls like they’re toys you can just buy and throw away.”

 

“Sehun-ah, Baekhyun left a girl alone on her bed, thoroughly ed, and he ran out through her door without leaving anything that could tell her how big of an he was. How does that make you think like he treats people with feelings?”

 

“Well…” Sehun looked like he was starting to be confused too. “He approaches her nicely, he acts nice for her, he takes her out on a date, and when he sees her on campus, he waits to see what she feels for him—whether she’ll be mad or happy to see him. He’s an awful person, yes, but you get what I’m saying, right?” Even if he did, Lu Han didn’t voice his understanding. Sehun continued nonetheless, “But you, Hyung. You sleep with her, and then when you’re finished with her, you throw her away just like that. I’ve seen the way you act around girls you just slept with the night before. You don’t remember their names, you don’t even want to spare a glance at them. It’s like I’m looking at a child who’s bored enough with a game in his hand and he decides to just throw it away because he already finds a new one.”

 

Lu Han fell into silence after that. His mouth was shut tightly, but his thoughts were running like crazy.

 

Sehun hugged his knees together and pressed them against his chest. He placed his chin on top of them as he huffed. “I don’t understand people like you and Baekhyun-Hyung. The way you two sleep with random girls. I mean, I don’t see why you would do something like that with someone you barely know. Isn’t supposed to be something special? You know how sometimes people call as ‘making love’? Do you know why?”

 

“I don’t think I want to know.”

 

“Because is the bridge to reach that  ‘love’ with your partner. To make love.”

 

Lu Han blurted out a laugh. “You read too much manhwa, Sehunnie. Holy , man up a little, will you?”

 

Sehun jutted out his lower lip. “I still believe in love, though.”

 

“You can believe all you want, Sehunnie,” Lu Han sat up and pat the boy’s head before he stood up and grabbed his jacket from Sehun’s bed. “But unlike you, I don’t give a about things that don’t exist, so—” he cut off his word with a soft yawn as he checked himself on the mirror. “Okay, I’m gonna go out. Thanks for lending me your bed. I didn’t get to sleep last night, too busy doing some... stuff. If you know what I mean.” Lu Han chuckled to himself.

 

Sehun raised his head from his knees. “Where are you going, Hyung?”

 

Lu Han grinned and winked mischievously. “To find my own entertainment.”

 

Lu Han wakes up not without a scream from his mouth, but from his heart.

 

He finds himself staring blankly at the floor, blinking his eyes slowly as his vision starts to focus. His breath is even and he’s not shivering like he was before he went to sleep.

 

Out of so many memories I have, why do you have to remind me of my sin?

 

The ringing sound of his phone surprises him, breaking the silence atmosphere of his room. With fumbling hands and heavy eyes, he reaches inside his jeans’ pocket and answers the phone without really opening his eyes.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hyung?” Sehun’s familiar voice comes through the other line. “Hyung, bad news. I can’t go back to your apartment. The storm is too heavy—I can’t even walk out of the hotel. I’m still in the lobby now. I can’t get a cab either. They’re all full. What should I do?”

 

“Okay, just…” Lu Han stifles a yawn and rubs both of his eyes away from sleep. “Just stay there and be careful, okay? I don’t want you… to…” Lu Han’s next words die on his lips when his eyes land on the bed.

 

Cara is not there.

 

Lu Han immediately stands up on his feet, trying to endure the sudden head rush from standing too fast. He checks the bed one more time, trying to make sure that this isn’t a dream but a reality. Lu Han wishes for the opposite to happen.

 

“Hyung?” Sehun asks; his voice sounds concerned. “Hyung, what is it?”

 

“Cara’s gone,” Lu Han says, a bit shaky and breathy. He becomes awfully nervous and scared because she is not here. He runs to every room in his apartment, looking around and running back and forth. A moment later, he gives up, because how can you find someone who’s not there? Lu Han repeats his words again to the other boy. “Cara’s gone. Sehun-ah, she’s not here.”

 

“W-what?” Sehun’s voice grows a bit squeaky. “Hyung, calm down and—”

 

“I’m going to look for her,” Lu Han states, voice filled with panic and anxiety. “I—I have to—s-she won’t be far—”

 

“Hyung—”

 

“She won’t be far, right? ! Why did I have to fall asleep?!”

 

“Hyung, wait—”

 

“I can still find her.”

 

“Hyung, listen, I can’t understand you—I can’t hear you well,” Sehun says and there’s a buzzing sound coming from his phone. Perhaps the storm is affecting his phone’s signal. “But Hyung, you have to calm down—”

 

Lu Han can’t think straight anymore. He just grabs his coat and bolts out of his apartment, not even bothering to stop and lock the door first. All he can think about right now is her safety.

 

And even though it’s freezing, Lu Han feels beads of sweat start to stream down his back.

 

***

 

 

Lu Han should feel hopeless by now. He’s been running for hours. literally running through the storm just to look for her presence. Sehun wasn’t kidding when he said the rain was heavy. The moment Lu Han steps outside his apartment’s building, he gets drenched from head to toe just under a few seconds. The long coat he’s wearing makes him feel even colder and it gets heavy when it wets, so he has to put more effort in moving his feet. The icy cold droplets of rain are prickling the skin of his nape, sending shivers through his spine. Maybe it’d all be better if he actually had the time to remember to bring an umbrella before he stormed out of his place, but then again, it won’t stand a chance under a heavy storm like this.

 

The sidewalks of Seoul are empty—no one dares to walk under the rain—but the cars are lining up on the streets, their riders cursing at the traffic jam they have to endure. Lu Han runs on his feet, feeling breathless not because from moving, but because he hasn’t found the one he’s been looking for yet. The last time he remembers, Cara is only wearing her usual white-knitted sweater and a matching white skirt that covers her legs until just an inch below her knees. Lu Han can only imagine how cold she feels right now, and he gets this thought of her catching hypothermia or something and it makes him more desperate to find her faster.

 

He screams her name—her real name—over and over again as he searches everywhere. But when the rain is this heavy, Lu Han doubts his voice can be heard. He checks the pastry house, only to find it closed and locked. The lights of the shop are off and Lu Han knows Cara doesn’t have the key to the place either, so the pastry house would be out of his list. He goes to every mini store he can find. He takes a time to visit a Church even though he knows she won’t be there—he only asks God for a miracle to happen. He runs along the empty streets and he’s not stopping to take a break, even when the headache in his head grows even bigger and bigger. One time, Lu Han almost loses his balance and has to put an arm against the electricity pole on the corner of the street because his vision suddenly blurs.

 

He can’t give up. Not now. Not when she’s in his responsibility.

 

As he tries to keep his breath steady, Lu Han stops his feet from running and thinks. It’s raining, so she must have stopped herself from running and find some place to hide from storm and thunder. Now, what’s left is to find that place. Cara is scared of people. She doesn’t want people to touch her so is it really possible for her to go to places where people take shelter from the rain? No, that’s unlikely.

 

Then Lu Han realizes.

 

“She’s scared of people,” he repeats to himself.

 

Cara wouldn’t have dared taking a step outside his building apartment, would she? Because if she did—if she left the building, then she’d meet people anywhere. She wouldn’t take that chance—it’s too risky.

 

So she must be somewhere around the building of his apartment.

 

God, why didn’t I realize it sooner? I’m so stupid!

 

Lu Han turns on his heels and races against time, running like death is chasing right behind him. It’s not long before he steps inside his building again, searching through every corner in every floor as fast as he can. The building has fifteen floors, and it can maybe take a while, but Lu Han never gives up on trying.

 

But no matter how long he looks, no matter how tired he is from running, he still can’t find her. Lu Han is sure of his guess—that she’s definitely somewhere in this building, but his hope grows smaller and smaller as he reaches the last floor. His search on the fifteenth floor shows the same result as his previous ones. Cara is still nowhere to be found.

 

Lu Han almost slams his knuckles against the nearest wall in frustration. “Where are you, Cara?!” he keeps muttering as he tries to catch his breath. The hope in his heart starts to be replaced by panic once again. What if she’s kidnapped? What if she gets into an accident? So many what ifs and so little answers.

 

Lu Han finds it hard to breathe.

 

The rooftop.

 

There’s still one place he hasn’t visited in this building. And it’s the rooftop.

 

He scurries back to his feet and take the last stairs, opening a door that leads to the top of the building.

 

He takes a sharp gasp when he finds a small garden instead of a boring cemented-ground with fences around the edges. In this heavy storm, Lu Han cannot tell how beautiful the garden is, but he can see a small fountain in the middle of it and some benches to sit on at every corner. The flowers are shaking side to side under the rain, threatening to break away from its roots. Lu Han has to squint his eyes and holds an arm over them so the big fat droplets of rainwater won’t fall into them.

 

Lu Han is about to call Cara’s name again, but he stops before he does so. It won’t be necessary at the moment.

 

Lu Han has found her—sitting on the ground with her back slumped against the wall as she hugs her knees to her chest. The rain hasn’t caught her yet because she’s been staying in the dry spot, protected by the medium-sized canopy above her. Her long brown hair falls effortlessly over her shoulders as she buries her face in the space between her chest and her knees. Even when Lu Han still stands a few meter away from her, he can see her body quivering from the cold.

 

Lu Han almost falls to his knees in relieve. He feels like he just cheated death or something. He keeps mumbling small prayers to God for letting him meet her again as he silently and carefully walks to her spot. He doesn’t want to surprise her, so he stops at the spot where he’s sure enough he can hear his voice when he speaks.

 

Lu Han softly calls her name and her head rises up in a flash.

 

She tilts her head to the side, looking at him with an expectant gaze before she widens her eyes and stands shakily on her feet.

 

“Stay away from me,” she says. She’s not screaming like the last time she said those words at him, but the amount of pain that Lu Han receives is about the same. Actually, it’s even bigger now, since Cara is supposed to trust him by now. They’ve been talking for weeks, smiling at each other—she even waits for him to visit her shop for God’s sake.

 

“Cara, it’s me,” Lu Han says, raising his hands in the air to calm her down. “It’s me, Lu—”

 

“I know who you are,” she says, taking two steps away from him. “I know who you are, Lu Han.”

 

Lu Han freezes on his feet, but not from the cold. The way she’s staring at him makes him feel like he’s an enemy she has to stay away from. “Why are you acting like this?” he asks, eyes desperate and now he can feel how tired he really is. The ache in his head makes it hard enough for him to even just stand properly.

 

“Where am I?” she asks, voice bitter and sharp. “The place where I woke up… Was that your apartment?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why am I here?”

 

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you everything as soon as we get back to my apartment.”

 

She shakes her head violently.

 

“Cara, please,” Lu Han begs. He leans one side of his body to the wall, feeling like he’s about to faint. “I’ve been…” He stops and closes his eyes for a second after he starts seeing firelights in his vision. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Can we please go back now?”

 

“I don’t want to,” she says, quieter this time. Her gaze softens a little and turns to be more concerned now since she sees how hard it is for Lu Han to keep himself standing. “I… I’m scared of you, Lu Han.”

 

“Scared?” Lu Han asks, a hand rubbing one side of his head. “Why are you—” he stops when he notices how she’s staring at Lu Han’s hand, or to be more detailed, the bruises on his knuckles.

 

Then the realization hits him.

 

He remembers the conversation he had with Sehun a few hours ago—the part where he told Sehun how he got the bruises on his hand.

 

‘She gets scared easily, and she starts screaming when someone gets too close to her. She doesn’t want to be touched. She thinks everyone wants to hurt her.’

 

‘I hit someone.’

 

Lu Han’s heart sinks to the ground.

 

“Cara, this is not—” Even before he says his excuse, he knows he’ll sound pathetic. It won’t make any difference either. Because the truth is, yes, he hit someone. What she doesn’t know is the reason why he did that. “You were supposed to be sleeping,” Lu Han says instead and not long after that, he feels like slamming his head to the ground as well.

 

Because Cara looks upset. Very upset. But she doesn’t speak her reason.

 

“Cara, I’m sorry,” Lu Han immediately says, trying to correct every part he did wrong. The headache in his head screams even louder, making him harder to think. “It’s really not what you think.”

 

“You’re the same. You’ll hurt me. You’re like them.” She whispers to herself, covering her ears with her hands. “Leave me alone.”

 

“Cara, listen to me!” Lu Han feels like he’s about to faint. His vision starts to blur. “I’m not going to hurt you… I’m—” He tries to take a step away from the wall, but the moment his hand leaves the hard surface, Lu Han loses his balance.

 

And then everything goes black.

 

***

HAH OMG I had two free days and I used them to write this chapter and hunhan being so gay with each other what the is wrong with me. this is probably not my best chapter, I'd try to give you better update soon.

BUT ARMITA THIS IS FOR YOUUUUU HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART, I'M SORRY I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU THIS AS YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT I AM SO SORRRRRYY!! I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT TRYING TO FINISH THIS PROPERLY AND I KNOW IT'S NOT PERFECT BUT PLEASE KNOW THAT I'VE TRIED MY BEST

AND I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! Seeing I got some nice comments a few days ago for my previous chapter, I decided to write this chapter this soon. Thank God I had those two days of doing nothing. Forgive me if this , though :'(

Oh and if you're thinking something along the line "OMG SO SEHUN REALLY IS GAY FOR LUHAN? NO WONDER HE DOESN'T LIKE CARA" I have to say that Sehun is NOT gay, he was just a little bit confused but that was because he was so young. But Sehun's a bit cold toward Cara because he is jealous that luhan doesn't really give him that much attention anymore. Bros before hoes, dude. Bros before hoes. LOL what sorry I really need some sleep.