THE HIDDEN TRUTH

 

 

It’s Saturday morning and Lu Han doesn’t wait till seven p.m before he goes to the pastry house. In fact, he doesn’t even wait till noon. The second he’s finished packing his things back in his suitcase, he runs to the hotel’s lobby, telling the receptionist that he’s going to check out later today after he comes back from visiting his friend. He texts Sehun to wait for him in his new apartment and tells him that he has things to do first. After the other boy texts back, “Okay, Hyung. I gotta go pick something up first, but I’ll meet you there later. Hey, go grab me some cake, will you? A choco bubble tea would be great too,” with a semi-colon D, Lu Han follows the usual direction that leads straight to Cara’s pastry shop. He’s not sure whether she’ll be there or not—maybe her shift starts from late noon—but he dares to take his chance.

 

Lu Han has to catch his breath before he pushes open the front door, and when he’s calm and ready, he enters the shop with a polite smile.

 

But the smile falters almost instantly from his face the moment his eyes catches Cara’s sister’s dark ones. The atmosphere in the room suddenly becomes tense, prickling his skin like the cold water he felt in his dream last night.

 

“Lu Han,” Cara’s sister calls the second his eyes lands on her. There’s an amount of hatred flickering behind her dark orbs. “I want to talk to you.”

 

It’s not a request; it’s an order.

 

“O… kay…?” Lu Han feels a bit awkward. He’s been back here to the pastry shop for about six times in a row by now, but usually, he doesn’t stop to greet her on his way to the kitchen. He just goes straight to where he thinks Cara is currently in. Maybe it’s a bit impolite, but Cara’s sister always looks so busy handling her customers, so Lu Han doesn’t want to bother her by asking for her permission first. Besides, she was the one who said it, right? If you have the chance to change her back, then I’ll take what I can get, even if it means having you by my shop every day, that’s what Lu Han remembers.

 

“Come,” she says, gesturing him to follow her steps. Somehow, she seems like she’s in a terrible mood today. Whenever Lu Han saw her a few days back, he didn’t fail to recognize the hatred look she had on her face, but she always kept on smiling at him—even if it was a snarky one. Today though, she looks like she’s ready to run her pastry knife straight to his chest.

 

“Is there something wrong?” Lu Han asks, the moment the two of them gets inside the kitchen. Cara is nowhere to be seen, while her two other staffs are busy taking her shift, serving the customers what they need. “Where is she?”

 

“She’s sick,” Cara’s sister answers bitterly, eyes filled with poison as she stares at him. She doesn’t give him the chance to talk. “She looked pale and about to faint this morning, so I sent her home.”

 

“What...” Lu Han feels his chest tightened at the news. “What happened?”

 

“That’s what I want to ask you,” she bites back. “What did you tell her? Did you ask her to wait for you here?”

 

“What?” Lu Han’s furrow grows deeper. “What are you—I didn’t say anything to her—”

 

“She kept waiting for you all night,” she cuts him off, voice full of venom. “I tried to bring her back home but she kept forcing me to stay because she was sure that you would come and visit her last night. Last night was the first time she ever fought back to my words.”

 

“I—” To say that he’s shocked, will be an understatement. “I didn’t—”

 

“I knew you were a bad influence for her!” she suddenly roars, throwing her hands in the air out of vexation. “I knew things were going to get worse with you in it.”

 

“I’m...” Lu Han doesn’t know what to say but apologizes. “I’m sorry. I tried to visit her last night but—”

 

“You know what? Just take her already!” she shouted, shoving him hard on the chest. “Get her away from me—I’m so sick of her! I wish she was dead—”

 

“Hey!” Lu Han’s sudden shout makes her freeze on her feet and this is the first time he can ever shut her up like this. He even surprises himself at his sudden burst of anger. He tries to calm down first before he continues. “Look, I understand that you’re tired. I know she’s sick and I know you’ve given up in trying to fix her but—”

 

Lu Han cuts himself short when he notices that she’s crying. Her body trembles while hot angry tears stream down her cheek. She tries to hide them, though. She hurriedly wipes the tears away, throwing her apron to the kitchen’s counter before she grabs her coat and keys.

 

“Come with me,” she orders, her voice is still shaking from her choking on her tears but she tries to keep her posture still. “If you want to see her, you better follow me now.”

 

***

 

“Am I boring you, Lu Han?” The lady, who was probably only one year younger than he was, asked with a frown. Her long black hair was so smooth and beautiful, and Lu Han thought that there must be many men out there who would’ve given anything to run their fingers along her silky locks. She was gorgeous from head to toe, with round eyes mirroring the light of the sun as it set behind the sea. She was also very kind, and gentle, and when she smiled, she did it so naturally that for a second there, Lu Han wanted to smile back at her.

 

But the lady was not her.

 

She was not the one he wanted.

 

She was not the one who owned his heart, and Lu Han didn’t want to give false hopes to someone who certainly did not belong there.

 

Lu Han blinked his eyes twice, before he answered, “No, of course not.” He remembered how his mother had told him to not screw things up with her, so he forced himself to smile. “I’m sorry. I got… distracted.”

 

“Oh…” The Chinese lady tucked a strand of her hair behind her ears, looking genuinely concerned. “Is there something wrong?”

 

You, Lu Han thought. Us. Here. Together. Being in a relationship because our parents told us to. This is wrong.

 

But Lu Han shook his head, and tried to throw away his thoughts. Instead of lying by telling her that everything was fine, he decided to just stay quiet and keep on walking.

 

They walked side-by-side, crossing a bridge while the evening started to grow even darker. Lu Han tried to be nice, lending her his jacket so the night’s wind couldn’t touch her. He even smiled when he noticed a faint blush on her cheeks, and he let her take his hand as they walked. It felt wrong, but Lu Han didn’t say anything.

 

She seemed like a person who could read other’s mind easily, though. So it didn’t surprise him when she spoke apologetic words to him.

 

“I am sorry, Lu Han,” she whispered softly. Her voice was almost drowned by the wind.

 

Lu Han looked to the side, glancing at her. “What for?”

 

She stared back at him with these bitter eyes that somehow made Lu Han feel like her world was tumbling down. “You hate me, don’t you?”

 

“No,” he hurriedly said, and that was the truth. “Of course not.”

 

“But…” She brought her eyes back to her feet, biting her bottom lip. “You don’t love me either?”

 

Lu Han stopped walking when he felt her taking her hand away from his.

 

When he saw her face, she was smiling at him, but her eyes were withering away. “Lu Han,” she asked, “We’ve been together for almost a year but I always feel like you never really look at me.”

 

Lu Han hated lying. And this problem could’ve been solved easily if he had resorted to lying straight to her face, but he didn’t. Because lies would never bring any merits, let alone happiness.

 

He was still keeping his mouth shut for a while, so she asked, “Do you ever love me, Lu Han?”

 

Lu Han could see the beautiful lady standing in front of him, staring at him with pleading and watery eyes. And he felt sorry for her. He knew well that she was so deeply in love with him. Ever since her mother had set him up with her, she had been nothing but nice and genuinely happy towards him. She had spoken so many encouraging words, accompanied him through his lonely days, and she had never gotten mad when he forgot to call her at the end of the night. She had never gotten angry even when Lu Han was staring at a picture of a different girl on his phone. She had never cried, even when Lu Han unconsciously talked about a girl in his past with eyes filled with love and joy.

 

All he did to her was hurting her, and yet she was still there.

 

But tonight was different. Tonight, Lu Han could see the weariness in her eyes, the pain in her words, and the longing in her tears. Tonight, she let herself cry to her hands, when Lu Han answered, “No. I don’t love you.”

 

And Lu Han just stood there, looking at her with broken eyes, but not reaching out his hands to pull her into a comforting embrace. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and she sobbed harder for a few painful moments, but after that, she gazed back at him and wiped her tears away.

 

“Somehow I’ve seen this coming,” she said, smiling but the tears in her eyes wouldn’t stop falling. “I knew you would say that, but…” She let out a small chuckle. “It still hurts.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han said, and he wanted to say more but she held up a hand.

 

“No, don’t say something like that,” she said, looking at the sky so she could contain her tears. “You’re going to make it harder for me to hate you.”

 

So Lu Han stayed quiet.

 

“It’s her, right?” She asked, sniffling a little bit. “The girl in your phone. You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

 

Lu Han felt his heart fall to the ground at the mention of her existence. “Yes,” he said and the lady in front of him smiled.

 

“Of course,” she said, producing these little broken laughs. “I guess I’ve known all along but I’ve been trying to deny it. I guess I loved you too much to admit it.”

 

Lu Han had broken so many girls’ hearts in the past, but this was the first time he felt his own heart being crushed as he did so. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Stop saying that, Lu Han,” she said, taking his hand in hers again just to give it a gentle squeeze. “You’re not in fault here. You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

 

“But,” Lu Han his lower lip, “I shouldn’t have led you away like this. I should’ve told you since the very beginning.”

 

“Yes, maybe you should’ve done that,” she said, “but I know how you don’t want to disappoint your mother.” It wasn’t a secret anymore that Lu Han’s mother had been pestering her one and only son to be married to a nice and well-respected girl as soon as possible. She was actually the one who had set them up together since the very beginning.

 

Lu Han’s gaze softened. “Yeah, she seems to like you a lot.”

 

She sadly smiled again. “If only you do too.”

 

He brought his eyes to where their hands were intertwined with one another. “You shouldn’t love me, you know,” he quietly said, “I’m not a nice guy.”

 

“I don’t buy that, Lu Han. Not even for a second.”

 

Lu Han stared at her again. “But it’s true,” he added, “I’ve done so many terrible things.”

 

“And so has everyone, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be loved,” she answered and when Lu Han was about to speak again, she cupped his cheeks with both hands. “Lu Han, I love you. I still do, even when I know there’s no chance for you to feel the same way about me. And there’s a reason for it. I don’t love you because of your good looks. I don’t love you because of your money or wealth. I love you because of how good you are. Of how brave, how kind, and how honest you are.”

 

For a moment there, Lu Han was lost in her eyes. Those dark orbs were just as captivating as the clear night sky after the heavy storm.

 

Her eyes grew gentle again when she the hair at the back of his head, gazing at him in the way that could make any man melt by her innocence and genuine love.

 

“Maybe you don’t remember this, Lu Han,” she said, “but the first time we met was not when your mother introduced you to me. We had met before when we were kids.”

 

Lu Han let her continue with her story as he tried to swim back through his memories.

 

“You were wearing a red jersey, looking so cute in your tiny soccer outfit,” she stopped for a second to break out into a smile. “I remembered you had your favorite number written on your back, just below your name. Your smile was so bright and I had to stop walking and even begged my mother to stay there for a while, just so I could stay and watch you running on the field. Your eyes were so lively and passionate as you tried to score a goal for your team. You lost at the end, because one of your teammates couldn’t take the ball you had passed him before. But you weren’t mad at him. Instead, I saw you grinning at him, slapping an encouraging hand to his back and shouted ‘It’s okay, buddy, we’ll get them next time’. I thought you were amazing, because true victors aren’t the ones who win the quest. They’re the ones who don’t give up when they lose.”

 

Lu Han had a hard time placing the incident, so he frowned and the look he put on his face made her smile. “It’s okay if you can’t remember it, Lu Han,” she muttered, wrapping her arm around his and pulled him to start walking again. “It’s not important to you, so I don’t wish for you to remember it. But it’s important to me.”

 

Lu Han let her lay her head against his shoulder as they strolled together. “Why is it important?”

 

“Because,” she started and she took a moment before she began to speak again. Lu Han guessed that maybe she wanted to cry again then. “When you were about to go home, you saw me looking at you. And I was scared and so embarrassed that I had to hide behind my mother’s back. I remember my mother laughing and urged me to go say hi to you, but I didn’t want to. I was too shy to do so. I thought you would leave and ignore me, but you didn’t. You ran towards me with that beautiful smile of yours, and said hello to me. You asked me for my name and even though I kept quiet, you still smiled and tried to talk to me. You thanked me for being there—for watching you play, and you said ‘you’re the first girl I know who looks like you like watching soccer games’ and you told me that we should be friends.” She laughed lightly even though her voice was breaking. “You didn’t know that I only looked like that because of you. I loved watching you play.”

 

Lu Han couldn’t help but to blush a little upon hearing her words, but he tried to play it cool.

 

“You know what you did next, Lu Han?”

 

“What?”

 

“You took my hand, and pulled me closer to you, so I couldn’t hide behind my mother again. Then you gave me something, grinning widely as you did so.”

 

Lu Han laced his fingers together with hers. “What did I give you?”

 

“A four leaf clover,” she said, wiping a tear away from her eyes before it could fall. She sniffled but tried to keep her smile on her face. “You said that it was for good luck. You told me that the clover had helped you enough through the day. That’s why you were giving it to me. But then I said that it didn’t work, because you lost the game that day. You only smiled in return and told me that the clover did bring you luck.” She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek to Lu Han’s shoulder. “You told me you were lucky because you got to meet me. After that, I couldn’t keep you out of my mind, even when we didn’t get to see each other again until a year ago. You were my first love.”

 

Lu Han was speechless.

 

Before he could say anything—or even think anything, she stood on her toes and planted a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. “And you still are.”

 

When she let go, she pressed her warm palm against the skin of his cheek as she rubbed comforting circles on his skin with her thumb. “I’ve never seen you smile like that anymore, Lu Han,” she whispered. Her eyes gleaming like stars. “And I miss him. That boy, with eyes so wide and passionate as if he can handle the world. I want to see you happy again.”

 

Lu Han breathed out softly and leaned to the smoothness of her palm. “You know sometimes,” he said, gazing back into her eyes, “I really wish that I was in love with you instead.”

 

There was a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. “I used to dream of that moment every night, Lu Han,” she faintly sobbed, “I dreamed of you loving me back. I dreamed of us spending the rest of our lives together. In my dream, you looked at me as if I was the only one for you. That I really meant a lot to you.”

 

“You do,” he said, holding her hand as she caressed his face with it. “You mean a lot to me.”

 

“But not as much as she means to you, right?” She tried to smile again, and Lu Han wanted to beg her to stop, because every time she tried to do so, a little part of him started to wither away into nothingness as well.

 

“Don’t smile if you don’t mean it,” he whispered.

 

Her smile grew even wider but also even sadder. “If your way to deal with your pain is by being quiet about it, this is my way to deal with mine.”

 

Lu Han tried to warm her cold hand with his. “I bet you wish that we never met before, huh?”

 

“Not really,” she replied, letting him play with her fingers. “I’m lucky to have met you. I’ve learned so many things. So many emotions. So many happiness, even if they weren’t as real as I wanted them to be.”

 

“I wish I could make your dreams come true.”

 

She chuckled but waved him off. “It’s okay, Lu Han. I already stop having those dreams.”

 

Lu Han swallowed his breath. “Since when?”

 

She brought her hand down, looking away from his eyes so he wouldn’t notice how pained she was. “Since that night when you held me in your sleep,” she murmured, blinking another tear away but failed miserably. “I was so happy, and for the first time in my life, I slept without nightmares, because my bad dreams always consisted of losing you and that night you were there with me. So I couldn’t be any happier. But then, I woke up and heard you call her name.”

 

Lu Han’s heart dropped low to his stomach. “W-what did I say?”

 

After she heard his words, all the hopes in her eyes disappeared instantly. Lu Han didn’t apologize. Lu Han didn’t feel any guilt after being caught by his girlfriend—and his supposed-to-be fiancée—like that. Lu Han only cared about the other girl.

 

The lady closed her eyes momentarily, with one hand clutching to her chest. She wanted to take the invisible arrow from sinking deeper to her heart, because it hurt. This hurt so badly.

 

“You said ‘Don’t go’,” The lady whispered with eyes as dark as the night and a never ending storm in her heart. “’Don’t leave me’.”

 

Lu Han was frozen to his feet, even finding it hard just to blink his eyes.

 

“Did she leave you?” she asked, couldn’t able to stop herself from caring because Lu Han appeared utterly fragile right then.

 

Lu Han felt something tugging at his heart; this pain he couldn’t erase.

 

“No, I left her,” Lu Han said, staring at the ground and clenching his fists. “She was in love with my best friend. I was right to leave.”

 

“Did he love her back?”

 

“No,” Lu Han answered bitterly. “He’s married to someone else.”

 

That pain in his eyes—maybe she saw it too, because after she glanced at him again, she took one of his hands in hers and squeezed it kindly. This was starting to become a habit of hers that Lu Han began to like.

 

“Why didn’t you stay with her?” she asked. “Maybe she’d fall in love with you then.”

 

Lu Han wanted to laugh. “Why are you breaking things off with me now, then? Maybe I’ll fall in love with you soon.”

 

She froze, staring at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. And she appeared just like a broken doll. Immensely beautiful, but empty inside.

 

Lu Han wanted to curse. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so insensitive toward her?

 

“I’m sorry—” he tried to fix his previous words, but she took her hands away from his and shook her head.

 

“It’s… It’s okay.” She produced these small, broken laughs again, but Lu Han knew it would only take another few seconds for her to break into tears again. “I’m sorry for involving myself in your private life—I shouldn’t have said anything—I’m—”

 

“No, it’s okay. Come here.” Lu Han leaned in and carefully pulled her into a hug and he was right. She was crying again. “I’m sorry. I… I snapped. I shouldn’t have said something like that.”

 

They stayed like that for a while, and Lu Han kept muttering apologetic and soothing words in her ears to calm her down. After a few moments, she gently wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tighter embrace. “Be happy, Lu Han,” she said, pressing her wet cheek to his chest. “Be happy with her. You still have your chance.”

 

“Unfortunately,” Lu Han said, her hair. “I don’t think I have.”

 

“You won’t know, if you don’t try properly,” she said, pulling away from him to look at him in the eyes. “Give her some time.”

 

Lu Han wanted to wail in frustration. He really hated that single pain swirling in his chest. “It’s not that simple,” he said.

 

“I know it’s not. Love will never be simple,” she explained, pushing the bangs out of his eyes. “That’s why we have to fight for it. You have to fight for her.”

 

Lu Han stared fondly at her. She was indeed one of the most beautiful women Lu Han had ever met in his life. “Did you fight for me too?”

 

She smiled brokenly. “I have died waiting for you, Lu Han. And I know I’m not going to be alive anytime soon.”

 

Lu Han couldn’t stand being on the other end of her gaze. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “You’ll find a better man than me. I know you will.”

 

Even though her eyes seemed to speak ‘but he’s not going to be you and I don’t know if I will ever be okay with that’, her lips formed a different line entirely. “Of course, I will. And next time, he’ll be much more in love with me than I am with him.”

 

Lu Han broke out a faint laugh. “That’s a promise, okay?”

 

She didn’t answer that, but instead, she gave him one last hug. “Promise me you’ll be happy with her too. I won’t hold you back.”

 

Lu Han didn’t cry. He never cried.

 

Slowly, he circled one arm around her tiny waist, and one hand around her head. Pressing a kiss on her temple, he murmured, “Thank you. I promise.”

 

But deep inside his heart, he wondered if God would be kind enough to let him fulfill his oath.

 

Because promises, just like any rule in the world, are meant to be broken anyway.

 

***

 

“Come in,” Cara’s sister says when she notices Lu Han stands on her front door with hesitation. Lu Han nods at her permission and steps off from his shoes, taking small reluctant strides into the modern minimalist house that’s not too big or too small to live. It’s a nice two-story house with four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, and a beautiful small garden at the back of the house. Lu Han wants to say that it’s a comfortable house for a family to say, but the tension he feels the moment he enters the house says otherwise.

 

“I’m home,” Cara’s sister says when she’s greeted by a man—presumably her husband. She kisses him lightly on the cheek but the man doesn’t look pleased. In fact, he appeared to be angry.

 

“I want her to leave,” A sharp looking man, probably in his early thirties just like his wife. “Now.” He clenches his jaw when he spots Lu Han following her step into the living room. “Who the hell are you?”

 

“Honey,” she says, softly touching her husband’s forearm to calm him down. “He’s… He’s her friend, Lu Han. He’s here to see her.”

 

Lu Han bows to the man and offer his hand, “Hello, Sir. I’m Lu Han.”

 

The man only sends him a suspicious look, staring at him from head to toe, judging him by his appearance. “You’re her friend?”

 

“Yes, Sir,” Lu Han tries to sound convincing, because that’s what he is, right? Her friend?

 

“Great,” the man says, voice deep and heavy. “She can stay with you then.”

 

Lu Han blinks, a bit taken a back. “I-I’m sorry?”

 

“Honey, we need to talk—” Cara’s sister cuts in, already gently pushing her husband toward their bedroom to talk in private. She sends a quick glance to Lu Han, saying, “She’s upstairs. The room on the left.” And she disappears behind her closed bedroom’s door.

 

Lu Han has no choice but to let his feet take him to the second floor of the house. The space is less spacious than the first floor, and there’s two bedroom at the end of the hall and a bathroom on the other end.  Lu Han drags his feet to the room on the left.

 

He inhales deeply before he exhales, trying to calm his heartbeat. After seeing her everyday at the pastry shop for the past three weeks, Lu Han feels absolutely weird to not meet her in her usual place. And this is not just another place; this is her room.

 

Never in his life, did Lu Han ever feel so nervous about entering a girl’s room.

 

Pull yourself together, Lu. Why the hell are you being so jumpy? You’ve been to a girl’s room many times before!

 

No matter how much he tells himself that, it still won’t work. Lu Han is still as nervous as ever.

 

He raises a hand, hesitating when he’s about to knock on the door, but he eventually does it. He softly knocks three times, before he calls her, “Ca—” Lu Han clears his throat because his voice sounds all squeaky. “Cara, are you there?”

 

No answer.

 

“Can…” Lu Han his lower lip, feeling his hands drenched in his own sweat. “Can I come in?”

 

Still no answer.

 

Lu Han waits and waits and waits until his curiosity takes over him and he slowly opens the door.

 

The sight of the room startles him to the point he forgets how to breathe.

 

Even in the darkness of the room, Lu Han can see how chaotic Cara’s room is. It’s not messy like the way most people’s room would be. There are no dirty clothes on the floor; no filthy plates or glass from last night’s dinner; no litters on any corner of the room either. But there’s a flower vase on the small, wooden desk table just beside the door, and it’s already shattered to pieces, as if somebody just smashed it with something. The long pale curtain hang loosely on its rod, almost seems like someone had been yanking on it in frustration. And the bed sheet that is supposed to cover her bed, is thrown to the corner of the room, and the pillows are dispersed on the carpeted floor. The room isn’t messy, Lu Han concludes in his mind; someone is purposefully wrecking the hell out of it.

 

Most likely by her.

 

Cara isn’t sleeping on her bed. In fact, she’s not on her bed at all.

 

Cara is sitting on the floor, just beside the window, with her head resting idly against the cream colored wall. Her eyes are half open, and Lu Han can see how empty they are, as if they weren’t eyes of the living. Her breath is steady and slow, but her shoulders are still, not showing if she’s actually breathing at all. She looks like a porcelain doll underneath the dim sunlight that’s coming from the ventilation of her room.

 

It takes three seconds for Lu Han to seize the situation, but it takes less for him to run to her spot with worried eyes and heart thrumming against his chest.

 

“Oh my God, Cara,” Lu Han calls, voice filled with panic and concern. His face grows pale, almost as pale as she is, when he kneels down in front of her and realizes that she’s not even flinching from the sudden closeness. “Cara, are you all right?” he asks, already feeling his hands tremble. “Please say something. Look at me, Cara.”

 

Lu Han wants to touch her—to pat her cheek and tilt her face upward so she can look at him, but he knows she’s not going to appreciate that so he stays still. Lu Han can only call her again and again until she slowly blinks and lazily drags her eyes to catch his.

 

“Lu… Han…” she finally says, even adding an unfamiliar smile at the end of his name. Lu Han has never seen that kind of expression on her before. It’s not something he wants to witness. It feels wrong—there’s something wrong with her. Something absolutely wrong. “Lu Han, you came…”

 

Lu Han’s body freezes on his spot but the blood and his heart feel like they just go faster and faster until he feels dizzy and has to place a hand on the wall beside him to steady himself.

 

What happened to you, Cara?

 

Lu Han looks around, trying to find the answer by himself. It doesn’t take long for that, because the key to his question is right there in front of him.

 

There’s an uncapped small glass bottle filled with thin, various colored pills—from green, white, pink, to even blue. And on the side of the bottle, Lu Han can make out the word Paxil.

 

And Lu Han panics, because he once read about it somewhere when he was searching about Cara’s mental sickness. Paxil is one of those antidepressant drugs that is used to treat major depression, OCD, panic disorder, and of course, PTSD. He also read a review from one of the consumers that wrote how she got through her depression by consuming this drug but now she felt like she was emotionally numb—losing the ability to actually feel something. Whether it’s love, fear, sadness, or even pain.

 

Lu Han gazes back to Cara’s empty eyes, and how she doesn’t react even when he’s this close to her.

 

“Oh, Cara…” Lu Han lets out a shaky breath, feeling like he’s just as broken as the shattered vase on the table. “Cara, why are you doing this to yourself…?”

 

Cara doesn’t bother to answer. She doesn’t even look like she’s listening. She just drags her eyes back to the floor, staring blankly at one spot, feeling nothing. Lu Han on the other hand, receives all kind of feelings one can have—but mostly all he feels now is fear. He’s so scared of losing her. He’s afraid that something bad is happening to her and there’s nothing he can do to protect her.

 

Lu Han has never felt so powerless in his entire life.

 

“Cara, what happened?” Lu Han asks and he grimaces with how pained his own voice just sounded.

 

She closes her eyes and sighs. “Lu Han,” she mutters softly, “Lu Han.”

 

“I’m here,” Lu Han croaks, chewing on his lip as he places his hand right beside her. He’s too afraid to touch her; too worried that she’ll freak out and get hurt if he does. He only lets his fingertips brush the soft skin at the back of her thin hand. “I’m here, Cara, I’m here.”

 

“You came,” she says again, and with her eyes closed and her face open like this, Lu Han can almost imagine she’s mumbling in her sleep. “You didn’t leave me.”

 

“Of course—how can I ever leave you?” Lu Han responds, voice quiet in agony.

 

And then he realizes something.

 

What did you tell her? Did you ask her to wait for you here?

 

Lu Han’s eyes grow wide at his own thought. Did I do this to her?

 

“Everybody left… But Lu Han…” Cara’s words put more despair to his heart. “Lu Han, you came back… I thought you’d left me too…”

 

“Oh God,” Lu Han whimpers under his breath, starting to feel the sudden ache in his chest.

 

I did this to her.

 

I ing did this to her.

 

I ruined her.

 

 “Cara…” Lu Han’s fingers curl into fist as he bites his lower lip. “Cara, I’m so sorry.”

 

***

 

Aloha, amigos! Since I had some time today, I decided to write for a bit and post another update sooner. It wasn't that depressing, right? hahaha since many of you said that the last chapter was already depressing (and I thought it was a fun chapter!), I decided to tone down all the angst in this one hahaha

anyway, I don't think I'll be able to post another update soon. There's something I've been working on and it's going to take most of my time. But! the good news is I'm planning to write another chapter for baekhyun's story hehehehe so don't forget to check on it later (don't know when, though. SORRY~)

I'm sorry for being such a ty writer and I'm sorry that I can't reply your comments one by one but please know that your comments are the very reason why I keep writing this stuff. So please, if it's not too much to ask, let me know what you think :) Maybe I can write sooner then hehehe

I LOVE YOU IN THE WAY THE CHINESE LADY LOVES LUHAN AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING OKAY