LINK TO ORIGINAL STORY

LiveJournal Author: honestfrank

Summary: Ren wonders why life doesn't seem to be getting any clearer as he gets older.

Rating: G

Pairing: BaekRen

Minki has no idea why, while he so often feels like he has a better idea of what's going on in life than three fourths of the population, he's finding himself floundering so much lately.

Everything in life seems to be there to confuse him. It's not that his life is bad though. On the contrary, it's rather good. He likes to have people look at him and seriously ask him what his take on something is. He enjoys the amount of creative expression he's able to achieve now, both with fashion and music. He can push the boundaries with both now because he's allowed to take risks, and that alone is enough to make him euphoric.

He doesn't understand his band. Nu'est is an enigma to him. He likes his bandmates; he lives with them, eats with them, talks with them, and generally enjoys being with them more than just on a professional level. But beyond professional is where his understanding grows murky. They're five young boys from very different places trying to grow up and find themselves in the public eye while living in the same house. It's not a traditional family, but it's a family nonetheless. They're forced to rely on each other, and the bond between all of them is stronger than Minki would have ever thought possible.

And that's just between the group as a group, not even going into the terrifyingly confusing relationship he has with Dongho. That's something that Minki tries not to think about because he finds that his inability to to define anything in regard to it is absolutely awful.

The thing is that it's not difficult with him. Rather than finding himself pushing through conversations with Dongho he realizes he's escaping into them. The other guys he likes as well (strangely he enjoys Aron and Jonghyun and Minhyun equally and quite without dislike), but Dongho is on a different level. When he first met the guys he didn't automatically get along with all of them. He felt uncomfortable and out of his depth and unsure about who they were and how he was supposed to interact with them.

There was an immediate connection with Dongho though, Minki knows without a doubt that it was, and still is, a relationship that's different to any he's shared with anyone ever before.

//

Dongho is touchy. Not only with Minki but with everyone he can get his hands on. He likes to have skinship with everybody. He considers touching to be the way that you tell someone you enjoy talking to them and being with them. This isn't something that Minki necessarily agrees with, but he thinks that the quirk is charming, especially coming from the masculine image that the older boy portrays.

When they talk about girls (which isn't often, much to Minki's relief since he finds the topic a bit awkward) Dongho often bemoans how stupid it it is that it's weird for him to have skinship with girls but not at all strange for him to have skinship with boys.

“I can hold your hand and no one thinks strangely of it, see?” he says, grabbing Minki's hand and squeezing it, their clasped palms warm and dry. “But if I hold one of my girl friend's hands everyone will think we're dating.” He lets go then, their hands imprinted on one another for just a moment before the memory of the feeling fades.

“Yeah, it's stupid.” Minki can't help but wonder if Dongho wants people to be open to him being friendly with girls or wants people to think he's open to dating guys. Both seem logical at this point in time.

//

They sleep together often because Dongho is in his room and for some reason the older boy doesn't like sleeping by himself. Minki decides it's okay because when they sleep together he doesn't dream. It's a relief; his dreams are always so vivid and vibrant that he sometimes wakes up three or four times a night to reassure himself that real life hasn't been taken over by his subconscious mind. The peace of mind he gains when he knows he won't wake up is worth even the lengthy amount of time it takes him to fall asleep because of Dongho's annoying habit of draping his arm over Minki's face. It's not an unreasonable habit since he prefers to sleep further down on the bed, curled up in a catlike position and therefore Dongho's arms fit perfectly around his head--it's just that when he gets too cuddly it makes it difficult to breathe through his blanket cocoon and Minki has to convince him to back off a bit. Once they figure everything out though (“Move your arm, idiot. It's on my nose.” “That's not your nose, that's your ear.” “It's my nose and my ear, okay? So move!”) he sleeps like the dead, unaware of anything around him.

Dongho takes this lack of dreaming as a personal credit to himself, something that Minki finds quite annoying. All he does is take up space on the bed. It's not like he hums lullabies or his him neck massagess, he just smothers him. Every morning it's the same thing though: Dongho inquiring as to what Minki dreams were about. And every morning it's answered with with same groggy “nothing at all.”

“Still nothing?” He always has the nerve to sound pleased about it.

“Mm,” Minki mumbles. “Your breath smells bad.”

“Your hair looks like yarn, you need to take a shower,” Dongho replies, wrapping Minki up in his arms so he can't escape the puffs of morning breath he's purposely making sure to gust all over the younger's face.

Minki squirms around, not afraid of elbowing Dongho in a few key places to get him to let go so he can escape. He's a strong boy and can handle a sharp jab to the ribs, and besides, people who force morning breath on innocent sleepers deserve a bit of pain.

//

Dongho always says the right thing. Not because he's emotionally intelligent (because he's not at all—in Minki's opinion he's actually emotionally stupid), but because Minki likes to listen to him. Why he's not entirely sure. It's something to do with his blunt way of speaking, his touch of worldliness, an his naivete that's the complete opposite of Minki's. Besides, Dongho just has a nice voice, so when he says something that's redundant Minki tunes out the words and listens to the rise and fall of his tone because it reminds of of good things like food and sun and salty air.

There are times that Dongho makes him feel incredibly angry. He's always so cocky and sure of himself, so positive that he's attractive and that his voice is good and that people should want to be him that all Minki wants to do is scrub the smug smile off the older boy's face with steel wool. Part of the problem is that he does have an attractive face and that he does sing incredibly well. The other issue is that he didn't even know that this was the career he wanted until he fell into it by accident while Minki has wanted this his whole life and somehow, even though he's here now, he finds that his voice is still a work in progress and is delegated to being the fashionista of the band while Dongho magically gets the part of lead vocalist. He tries to not to be bitter, but sometimes he just can't help it.

At times like that he has to escape outside because he knows it's not fair to be angry at him for something that he can't help. He also knows that there are people who would pay incredible amounts of money to be in his position and that he's lucky and that he absolutely should not be having these types of thoughts so he doesn't speak them aloud, just keeps them inside and waits for a distraction to take them away. It usually comes; he doesn't often have to live with them for long.

//

Life would be so much easier if it was fair, Minki can't help but think, but it's absolutely not. The more he experiences feelings like this the more he realizes that the world isn't made up of shades of gray, it's actually full of every hue of every color and that each color means something that he can't properly understand.

“It's part of growing up,” his manager would tell him. “We all need to go through it. You just can't stay young forever.”

It's not that he wants to stay young, though. Growing up has benefits, big ones, and Minki is only beginning to experience them. No, he decides, he just wants to be able to stop feeling like he's the most naïve, clueless child that has ever lived. Where was that incredible adult comprehension he always figured he'd get someday? Adulthood was just around the corner, adult decisions so close he could almost taste their bitter, coffee-like flavor, but he still feels just as he did when he was twelve, thirteen, fourteen. None of the knowledge he needs to make those decisions is in sight.

//

Dongho listens as Minki talks about coffee and life decisions, nodding here and there, pursing his lips thoughtfully after the younger boy finishes his tangent. “My grandmother told me that coffee is an acquired taste,” he tells him finally, completely ignoring his woes about growing up. “You can't expect yourself to like it on the first try, or the second, or the third.”

Minki swishes his tea around in his mug, watching it rise up dangerously close to the rim. “I just like tea better.”

Dongho yawns, barely covering his mouth in time. “Then drink tea instead.”

Minki sips at it idly, savoring the mild taste, and wonders if he always would.