LINK TO ORIGINAL STORY

LiveJournal Author: minsgunshot

Summary: After unexpected events, Ren finds himself writing to an old friend...

Rating: PG

Pairings: JRen

He was frozen, body and soul.
 

Sitting at his desk with a pen in his hand and a paper with three words on it.

Dear Aron hyung

Ren swallowed, his hand trembling as he tried to continue the letter for the fourth time. His hand hovered above the paper for a few minutes before he threw his pen down.

He put his head in his hands. What was he doing right now? What was he trying to do by pushing his troubles on a sunbae he hadn’t seen in person since he was a sophomore in high school? Who even wrote letters anymore?

Sighing, he picked up his pen again, and decided to just get down what he could, cursing his friend for his preference of slow communication written in longhand.

  Dear Aron hyung,

  I hope college life is treating you well. I’m doing fine, finally experiencing it for myself. Sorry I haven’t written in a few months, it’s been kind of busy lately, which I suppose was kind of expected. Now that Christmas is coming up soon, I’ve had more time… It’s been cold lately, hasn’t it?

He groaned at his own awkwardness, but resisted the urge to cross everything out. His letters to his friend always sounded this way; he had rarely talked about his true feelings or worries in the few letters he had written since Aron had graduated. But his hyung was never one for formalities, always insisting that they were friends, and he could talk about whatever he wanted.
 

It was in this letter Ren was planning to take up his offer.

  A lot of things have happened since you last heard from me. I met someone.

  He paused, feeling kind of numb.

  His name is Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun, like that guy from SHINee, but of course they’re not the same.

  Ugh.
 
  He likes to go by JR. A little weird, but it kind of grew on me. I guess we met in my Calculus III class, but I had seen him before that around campus… It was a while ago. We hang out a lot, since he has a room in the same dorm building.

  Ren smirked a little. Even if JR had lived across town, would that have stopped them from seeing each other?

  He’s a good guy.

  Ren put down his pen, looking at the last sentence he had written. Was that really all he could say?
Then again, what else could he write without sounding like a schoolgirl with a crush?

  He crossed out his short description of JR, leaving no chance that it could be read, then began again.

  When I first saw him, I thought he was kind of irritating. He kept trying to look cool and had this look in his eyes, like he wanted to hit something. His hair—part of it is always colored— kept covering his eyes, like he was some kind of delinquent.

  But truthfully, he’s really cute, it’s almost annoying.

  Ren bit his lip trying not to smile, thinking about Jonghyun’s grin. His eyes would soften and his face became so bright. “Ren-ah!” he would call, waving him over and putting his arm around him in the middle of his group of friends.
--

  “This is Choi Minki—goes by Ren. He’s in my Calc III class.”

  They were both freshmen, Ren thought, and they had been in school for only a couple of weeks… How was this guy already so popular?
 
  They gave JR playful shoves and raised their eyebrows at his acquaintance.

  “Is he really a guy?”

  “Jonghyun, I thought you were taking a break from dating.”

  “His hair is so long!”

  “Dyed blond, what kind of style is that?”

  “His face is like a girl’s!”

  Ren scowled and kept his eyes down, but JR smiled. “I know, he’s really pretty, but he’s actually really manly—you’ll see once you get to know him.” His friends laughed even after JR spoke seriously.

--

With this kind of memory mind, Ren continued.

I guess we’re kind of the same, in that kind of way. Sort of different from our first impressions. I think that’s why he gets my feelings better than anyone else here. Still, it was hard talking to him at first.

--

“Y’know, Minki-ah… When I first saw you, I really did think you were a girl.”

  They were conversing on the floor of Ren’s dorm room; his roommate was almost never in, and the floor was mostly clear so they could lay their books down to study.

  “Thanks.”

  “No, but when I actually talked to you, I was really freaked out! You didn’t smile, not even a little. You were intimidating.”

  Ren flipped the page of one of his books and scoffed. “I could say the same thing about you.”

  JR looked offended, then shrugged. “I guess that’s expected. It’s my charisma. Also, because I’m a very good-looking guy, a lot of people are unsettled by my handsomeness.” He grinned, hugging his knees. Ren rolled his eyes, not looking up.

  “Then I guess you’ve won over all of your buddies with your ‘good-looks’?”

  JR laughed and then made an expression that said, “That’s right!”

  “Honestly though, if that’s the case, you could totally make a lot of friends on your own.”

  Ren froze mid-page flip, registering what had just been said. Then remembering what adjective JR had used earlier, he quipped “I know you think I’m pretty and all that, but I’m not going to be anyone’s girlfriend or do any sort of cute actions for someone else.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Jonghyun’s voice went gentle, and for the first time during the conversation Ren looked up at him.

  “Not that you’re not pretty.” JR’s tone had gone back to normal, but he hadn’t broken their eye contact. The blond boy was the one to look away after a few incredibly long seconds, his heart beating a little too fast.

  “Whatever.”

  “No, Ren—I mean, I know that you don’t talk to a lot of people on campus. I know you hear what people say about you, but if you’d talk to them and tried to get to know them better…”
 
  Ren slammed his book shut. “Look, I don’t care about what people think or say about me. What I care about is the fact that I came here to study and graduate and prepare for the future so I can make a living. Who cares if no one’s inviting me out or any of that, so just… shut up, ok?”
 
  Something in the room had tightened, and in a few seconds Ren went from completely comfortable to wanting to get up and out.
Instead he opened up his book again with a sigh. “And frankly…”

  “What?” JR snapped.

  Ren glared at him. “Frankly, I’d rather spend my time just with you than a bunch of other people I hardly know.”

  Jonghyun looked taken aback, then relaxed. “Oh.” Again his voice had gone soft.
  After a few minutes, he said, “I like your hair like that. It looks good down.”

  Back to not looking his companion in the eyes, Ren said sarcastically, “Why? Is it prettier this way?” He put a piece of it behind his ear with an overdramatic flourish.

  “Well, I don’t know. Maybe, but I think it just looks nice.” Then JR smiled.

  And Choi Minki stopped putting his hair up.
--

  Ren put down his pen and took a lock of his hair, twisting it between his fingers.
 
  After a while, I started getting more comfortable around him, and I guess he felt the same way. We saw each other more, and at one point, I thought I had gotten too close.
--

JR’s roommate had been invited to a party—so had JR, but he had taken the opportunity to change up the usual venue of his meetings with Minki.

  “It’s really messy in here,” Ren said, his nose wrinkling.

  “You’re welcome to clean.”

  Clearing a bit of the floor just big enough for the two of them and their bags, JR sat down and patted the area next to him. Ren watched him from the doorway.

  “Kim Jonghyun, can a person really live in a place like this?”

  “Will you hurry up? We have to work on that one paper—”

  At some point the homework stopped and they had just sat there and talked, shoulder to shoulder. A little past midnight JR’s roommate still hadn’t come back, and Ren had fallen asleep, his mouth slightly open and his head tilted back. JR was writing in his notebook in short, quick bursts, pausing every so often to look at his friend and shake his head.

  A while later Ren’s eyes opened slowly, and he straightened, blinking around the room, trying to grasp the situation.

  “Wha-what time is it?” He asked with a yawn.

  “A little after three.”

  Ren looked at his friend, who had stopped writing. JR’s voice had gotten back that quiet, gentle feel Ren hadn’t heard in weeks—since he had stopped tying back his hair.

  Playing with his pen between his fingers, JR put his head back at the same angle Ren’s had been while he had been sleeping. His eyes looked very tired, or Ren would’ve said they looked that way, if he had ever seen Jonghyun tired before.

  “Did you fall asleep, too?”

  “No, of course not. Too many things needed to be done.” He was staring directly at Ren.

  “Then, you should go to sleep now.”

  JR shook his head and looked away. Minki flushed and looked down at his hands. “No, I still have more homework to do.”

  “Can’t you it that tomorrow?”

  The dark-haired boy smiled. “No, I have things to be done tomorrow, too.”

  This was a little unsettling. “Jonghyun, how often do are you so busy that you can barely get a few hours of sleep?”
 
  JR shrugged. “Well… I guess, most days of the week… I spend most of the weekends sleeping though…”

  That was a lie. Minki spent a lot of time with JR on the weekends—and when he thought about that fact, his stomach churned— and even when he wasn’t with Ren, JR had often been out and about. Ren’s heart sped up, but because of a different feeling than he usually got from being around JR. He knew his friend was taking a lot of classes, each of them more difficult than the next. Yet somehow, JR had been able to keep his grades up, hold his circle of friends close, form a good relationship with his professors, and meet up with Ren.

  He always made sure to put aside time for Ren.

  “You can’t possibly keep doing that.”

  “Well, c’mon…”
 
  “No, what the hell!” All those times Jonghyun had said goodnight and left his friend’s room, he would stay up finishing what he could have already had done if he hadn’t gone to see Ren in the first place. He started gathering his things.
 
  “Are you trying to die? Why do you always invite me to hang out with you if you’re so damn busy?”

  “What?” JR straightened and looked the blond in the eye. “I’m not blaming my situation on you!”

  “It’s not that! After all this time I’ve been talking to you… I’ve told you everything…”
 
  Everything.

  “And you couldn’t once just say something like ‘I’m tired’ or ‘Could you help me?’”
 
  Goodness knew how many times Ren had said things like that.

  “Look, ok, I’m leaving… Just… just get some sleep, understand?!”

  His words came out somewhat disgusted, but Minki shook off his guilt and headed for the door, slinging his bag over his shoulder and gripping the doorknob.

  Later Ren would wonder whether or not turning to get one last look at JR had been a bad decision.

  Jonghyun’s gaze was low, his face covered by his hair. He had his hands on his knees.
  “Are you very disappointed in me?” he had whispered.

  The boy at the door hadn’t hesitated. “Yes.”

  “I’m just trying to be… to be responsible, you know?”
 
  Ren’s hand dropped off the doorknob and he took a few angry steps towards JR. “Getting two hours of sleep a night isn’t responsible, idiot.”

  JR had been gripping his knees so tightly his knuckles were turning white. Though he raised his voice, he had still been unable to raise his head. “Look, if that’s why you’re mad, then I’ll go to bed right now! Just quit yelling at me!”

  Hearing that, Ren had wondered why he wasn’t satisfied, why he was still furious.
  “That’s not it!”
 
  Then why? Why am I so angry?

  Before he thought he had found an answer, Ren was shouting.

  “I’m don’t want to be dependent on you! I don’t want to be some kid that you trail along, acting like you sympathize with all of his problems! I don’t want you to act like you’re ‘raising’ me into some great, likeable guy like you when you can’t even freaking take of yourself!” He had been snarling at that point, his words coming out so bitter it was shameful. “We’re friends, so doesn’t that mean I have to contribute something, too?! Why don’t you trust me?!”

  JR didn’t move. Ren clenched his fists before he grabbed something and threw it across the room. Instead, he gave a short, scoffing laugh.
 
  “You just think you’re so damn diligent, don’t you?”

  In a split second JR was on his feet, rushing towards Ren so fast the boy almost cried out, his back flat against the wall.
Their noses were almost touching when JR said in an even tone, “Just shut up if you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Pulling himself together, Ren pushed JR’s chest hard and sent him tripping backwards.

  “Tell me then! Tell me what I’m talking about!”

  Straightening his shirt, JR took a deep breath, attempting to calm himself. Then looking directly at his guest, he muttered, “Right. So you want to know the truth?”

  He began loudly. “The truth is, you’re mostly right. I’m not taking care of myself, I’m taking on more things than I can handle, and honestly,” he laughed, “it’s killing me. And I’m trying to excuse that fact by saying I have something to prove.”

  He paused to look at Minki’s reaction, waiting for him to agree or roll his eyes, but the guy’s poker face was back.

  “But you’re damn wrong about us. You think you’re dependent on me?” JR laughed again, covering his mouth, wondering why he was close to tears when he found this entire ordeal so hilarious.

  “Do you know why I find time to be with you all the time? Because I’m freaking miserable when I’m anywhere else. The time when I’m with you is the only time I ever feel like I can catch a break and relax. I’m not worrying about crashing during a lecture or an exam, or putting up some kind of front like I do with the others.”

  Ren’s eyebrows raised for a second, and though it went away in a flash, JR spoke faster, knowing he was getting through.

  “I don’t talk about what I’m worrying about because when I talk to you, I don’t think about any of that. Because we’re here and we’re just talking or reading or doing whatever we feel like and everything else just doesn’t matter! Crap, this sounds so stupid…” He rubbed his eyes and lowered his gaze again.

  Smiling, he whined, “Why are you making me do this? Aren’t I a man? Even when you had your outburst, it wasn’t this embarrassing…”

  “It’s pitiful, but the biggest reason why I get through the day is because I know you’ll be there to meet with me at the end of it. Without you I’d collapse, you think I’m trying to change you? Why would I want to make you into a pathetic, irresponsible person like me, are you stupid?”

  He had tried to sound tough with his last words, but it was hard while he was sniffling.

  Ren still had on a straight face, but his mind was thinking so fast it was almost dizzying. What was he supposed to say now? That kind of confession hadn’t been expected at all. He felt like his head was in an oven, his face was so hot. Thankfully Jonghyun looked too ashamed himself to notice.

  Deciding to try and play it cool, Ren turned to face the wall and kept his voice low. “So that’s it? The Great Kim Jonghyun finally pours his heart out?”
 
  JR’s face screwed up. Was this kid just playing around?

  “Yeah, so… What, are you satisfied now?”

  Ren swallowed, at first trying to choose his words carefully, then just spitting out whatever.
 
  “Weird… it… sounds kind of like a love confession.”

  Both of them were paralyzed, letting those words hang in the air and wondering if they were meant seriously or as some kind of joke.

  “What?”

  Minki shook his shoulders out, trying to calm down, but his heart was beating so fast he could swear his ribs were about to crack.

  “You know, that part about how you only live your life because of me, and how if you didn’t see me every day, you would die…”

  “That’s not what I said!”

  “You can’t take it back now!” Ren laughed in an attempt to stop himself from hyperventilating from how anxious he was, but before he knew it his knees had buckled and he was on the floor, gasping with laughter.

  JR kneeled down next to him, smiling and happy that the atmosphere had finally gone back to normal. He shook Ren’s shoulders and spoke in mock anger. “Hey, you punk! You think it’s funny, I was practically crying because of you!”

  “Not practically, Jonghyun-ah…”

  “Shut up!”
 
  Ren twisted and found himself with his back on JR’s lap, looking up at the taller boy’s face.

  He folded his hands on his stomach and spoke matter-of-factly. “You can’t deny it anymore. I know from the beginning, you were attracted by my looks—”

  “Jeez, you should be more humble, Minki-ah…”

  “—But now I can see that you’ve truly fallen for me.”

  After a pause, JR put his hand on Ren’s shoulder. “OK, you’ve caught me.”

  The both of them went quiet again, wondering why they weren’t laughing, and when in the last few seconds they had stopped goofing around and began talking for real.

  Ren sat up and JR kept his gaze locked on the back of his head.

  “So now that that’s been settled, you should probably go to bed. Understand?”

  Though he had said that, Minki still felt something had been left unattended to. So he turned around to say their official goodbyes for the evening.

  “I like you, too,” he said instead.

  JR smiled again, with both his mouth and eyes, so he was shocked when he felt Ren’s lips peck his cheek.
 
  “What the—”

  “I was trying to be cute. I told you I wouldn’t do that kind of thing for just anyone.”

  This kid was looking for a fight.

  “Yah!” JR grabbed his shoulder, and Ren shrank back, expecting for the darker haired boy to land a blow.

  Expecting the same thing, Jonghyun was again surprised when he pulled the smaller boy towards him and put his mouth on his.
  
  Minki gave an astonished squeak and JR let go, practically throwing the blond away.

  Ren stood up, hand over his mouth, making small, snorting noises, threatening another fit of laughter.

  What the hell… “Goodnight, Choi Minki!” JR practically yelled, looking defeated with his head hanging.

  “Goodnight, yeobo!”

  JR threw his notebook at the closed door.
--

  Honestly, I didn’t know which place our relationship went to after that time… but I liked it. It wasn’t until later that I–

  “Ah!” Ren let out a small shout when a drop of something blotted out a word, then another. Rubbing at his eyes, he held up his letter and scanned over his work. He had been sitting for how many hours now, and had come up with less than three hundred words?

  What he had written was vague, the bare bones of his relationship with JR, but while his hyung would never get the story lying underneath Ren’s small, slightly cramped writing, Minki began to tremble as he reread. Staring at the paragraphs, he was seeing all the thought he had put into every single word, every piece of Kim Jonghyun that he had carefully placed to put together these sentences.

  “Wha—I’ve been writing in present tense…”

  Without a second thought he tore up the paper into eight pieces and placing it in the bin next to his desk.
Suddenly breathing heavily, Ren took out another piece of paper.

  “No choice but to start again, I guess,” he muttered, taking his pen back in his hand again.

  By now the tears were drenching his fresh piece of paper but he paid them no mind. The problem was that his hand wouldn’t move, no matter how hard he tried.

  His memories, was that all he had left? What he wrote down right now, while the face of his friend was, ha, fresh in his mind? Before it all faded away? Is that what this was about?

  Screw it. Screw it! SCREW IT!
 
Ren scratched an ‘X’ through those six words, then another on the entire paper, so hard it left marks on the wood underneath it. Then another, until he was scribbling, not caring if he left marks on the paper or the furniture.

  The result was a drawing of a frayed ball of yarn that had been left out in the rain. Putting his face in his hands, Ren inhaled deeply until he no longer felt out of breath.

  Pulling out a final piece of paper, Ren wrote down those three words again.
 
  Dear Aron hyung

  Yes. Memories. That’s what this was about.
--

  “Hey, are you coming or what?”

  “Yeah, why are you so impatient?”

  “ Are you saying I should just leave?”

  “Fine, go ahead!”

  JR laughed back at the annoyed Ren, who he had told to meet at the park a few blocks from campus. It was November 3rd.

  “Just be here soon, ok?”

  “It’s my birthday, so I can show up whenever I want, ha.” Ren spoke sternly into the phone, “It’s really too cold, so I hope you’re not planning anything like playing in puddles or something.”

  Jonghyun sat down on one of the swings and gripped its chains, holding the phone between his cheek and shoulder. “Yeah, yeah. Only because I don’t see any puddles.”

  He hung up, coughing once when he put his phone into his pocket. He felt a little dizzy, but that was probably because he had been stuck in his room for so long without fresh air. He stretched. It felt good to be out.

  He did it again twenty seven minutes later, when Ren still hadn’t shown up. “Where the heck is that kid?” he wondered loudly. “I’m already regretting this!” he shouted to no one in particular.

  “Hey! Choi Min—”

  Air caught in his throat and he fell off the swing coughing, trying to gasp for air. After a few minutes he felt like heaving, but his breathing had gone back to normal. “What the hell…” he murmured, panting and wiping the side of his mouth.

  Deciding to go find the blond and retrieve him himself, JR tried to stand, but fell a few feet away from the swing, his head spinning. He was breathing heavily again, and as he tried to get up, another short burst of coughing caused him to fall once more.
 
  Putting his hand on his warm face, he did his best to get up and began to move towards the sidewalk. He pulled out his phone and tried to dial Ren, but it kept slipping out of his hands and he was so disoriented he could hardly push the right buttons.

  Ren picked up on the second ring, by the time JR had reached the street.

  “Hey, sorry, our professor’s clock stopped, so no one realized we had—”
 
  “Minki-ah, I think I have to go back to campus. I have a headache all of a sudden… I’m sorry…”
 
  Ren raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean? You’re backing out? So it was too cold, then.”
 
  JR had approached the crosswalk and was panting heavily. He leaned against the button and waited for the light to change.

  “No, Ren… I don’t know, something’s wrong… I’ll see you…”

  “What? Jonghyun!”

  He put his phone back into his pocket. There were no cars that he could see. JR shook his head, trying to focus.

  He hadn’t been feeling well for the past few days, but his sleep schedule hadn’t changed. He’d taken some medicine when he had first started coughing, but he had been thinking that eventually it would take care of itself.

  He stepped onto the street and started to walk, his vision blurry, though he was sure the sign said to walk, he had been waiting so long…

  Heh, sorry Ren… I guess we can’t hang out until I get better… Maybe next time we—

  JR saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but by that time, he could do nothing about it.


A few weeks later, Ren was sitting on his bed. He had papers in his hand, letters from his old sunbae from high school. Since Ren could hardly find the strength to scream his lungs out like he wanted to, he needed something to fill the silence that he just couldn’t take anymore, and Aron was always someone who had something to say, no matter what the situation.

  Hey, good to hear from you, final exams are coming up, so I hope you’re prepared…

  Ah, Jinsoo sunsaengnim is leaving this year? That’s too bad, he was a good instructor, always knew what to say…

  I haven’t been reading anything outside of our required schoolwork; it’s been really busy…
 
  So you’re finally attending university! I’ve made a lot of friends, I hope you’ll do the same. If you meet anyone interesting, drop me a line…

  The final one caught Ren’s eye.

  With whom else could he discuss this situation? He couldn’t bring himself to speak, so why not a letter?

  Something made him gravitate toward his desk and pull out that paper, something made his hand move to write that greeting at the top of the page. But after that, Minki was lost.

  He was frozen, body and soul.