I could have lost you

Proofread by himeno15

WARNING : Mention of male pregnancy

Story is on Jae Joong's POV

It wasn’t even a marriage for convenience where our parents forced us to get married in the name of keeping a family business or whatever bull it was, but I soon found myself getting married to Jung Yun Ho.

I could feel myself wanting to runaway and just leave everything behind me, but an image of my mom stopped me. How did this happen you ask? Well, I woke up and find myself one morning, with my whole body feeling sore after a night of partying. My anger immediately rose up when I saw who I slept with for the very first time in my life. It’s none other than Jung Yun Ho, that handsome man who just wouldn't leave me alone even after I’ve rejected him for thousand of times. Can you imagine me, Kim Jae Joong, a famous ulzzang, to be with a loser like him?

I believe he me and there’s no way I’ll believe him when he said he couldn’t even remember how we both ended up in the bed. I blamed him for everything. I blamed him when my parents found out because it was a chance they saw for us to get married. I could have said "no" but I agreed anyways but deep inside I’m so against it. I don’t know why my parents adores him when he looks like a punk from somewhere in New York or wherever you can find the worst looking punk. I blamed him when the wedding took place with me being the only one who was silently against it. I blamed him when my new relationship with this great guy, Min Hyuk, ended just like that. All I ever did was to blame him and I’ll make sure to let him live a living hell!

“Don’t be so happy that I married you Yun Ho, because I’ll make sure you’ll regret it!” Those were the words I told him on the first night of our marriage, never occurring to me that my heart will betray me.

From being just a handsome bully, an irresponsible brat who only knows how to spend the money his parents worked hard for on girls, alcohol and some no good friends, Yun Ho made a complete change of himself. When the news of us getting married started circulating, I’ve heard news of Yun Ho turning away from his old lifestyle and truth to be told, some days after we got married, he started working at their family’s company, even taking a lower position for a start when he can be the company’s president but I am not impressed. He thought that I’ll like him just because he’s now a good guy.

On the other hand, I didn’t change any of my ways. I still go out every single night to go to party, go clubbing. And I always make sure I come home late, not once caring if I come home to find Yun Ho waiting and worried. And I don’t give a damn if he comes home to a house that was empty almost all the time... that is if you don’t count the maids that are always waiting for him, after all I hate him. I do hate him, I know that for a fact so I refuse to appreciate every single thing he does for me.

I didn’t want to see the man that he had become in the short time of our marriage. I didn’t want to see how loving and thoughtful Yun Ho is. I refuse to see that he wasn’t as bad as everyone, including me, thinks he is. I didn’t want to feel happy. I didn’t want to feel warm inside every time I come home and find flowers with a note containing a simple thoughtful messages lying on our bed...the bed that we never shared. I didn’t want to feel like smiling every time I hear him laugh whenever he’s talking with some of his colleagues or friends. I didn’t want to find myself watching him sleep every chance I get at night. I didn’t want to feel and admit that I’ve fallen for my husband but I did. I love my husband… but since when?

“Oh my God! Really?!” was Jun Su, my brother's reaction when I told him about how I feel. We always confide in each other and though I didn’t want to tell him, he noticed anyway and I soon told him. “Have you told him yet?”

I shook my head. “What are you waiting for? You’ve been a pain in the , now go and make your husband the happiest man alive! Yun Ho hyung loves you so much, you know.”

The thought that I’ll make Yun Ho happy made me happy. I wouldn’t be hurting Yun Ho anymore.

But not everything went on as planned. Just when I decided to go tell Yun Ho, something happened.

After talking to Jun Su, we went back and mixed in with the crowd at the party we we're invited to and continued partying with our friends. This, as I told myself, will be the last party I’ll attend to by myself. The next party I’ll go to, I’ll make sure to have Yun Ho by my side instead of having him get worried over me because I left home without saying goodbye. I just didn’t know how to face him now that something changed inside of me.

Having already drunk a few glasses of liquor, I started feeling dizzy. Excusing myself from the others, I decided to just rest inside our cottage, suddenly feeling tired from all the beach activities we did earlier, I fell asleep as soon as my back hit the soft feel of the bed. It hasn’t been that long since I drifted off when I felt someone caressing my face. My eyes widened when I recognized the presence of my ex-boyfriend in the room.

“What are you doing here, Min Hyuk?”

Instead of answering, Min Hyuk came closer, cornering me. “Didn’t you miss me, baby? Don't you know how much I've wanted to have you this close to me again?”

I told him to leave. I swear I did but I was soon trapped against his much bigger body and the wall. And when I managed to push him away I was only pulled back again. He started kissing and touching me and it made me feeling sick. Only Yun Ho can touch me. His kisses are the only ones I want, no one else’s. With Yun Ho in mind, I once again forced Min Hyuk away from me but he was so strong. I felt a strong grip on my upper arms before I even reached the door. I was close to escaping before I felt my body slammed on the hard wall. The last thing I remembered seeing was a pool of blood forming down my legs as I call out for my husband's name before everything went blank. “Yun Ho---“

*****************

When I opened my eyes, I knew right away that I’m inside a hospital room. Feeling weak, it didn’t stop a smile to form on my lips when I saw Yun Ho’s sleeping form on the sofa.

“Yun- Yun Ho yah.” I called out softly. All I want now was to be wrapped in Yun Ho’s arm.

Lifting his head up, I was met with a pair of saddened eyes. Yun Ho looked like a helpless child and it breaks me.

“Do you… hate me that much, Boo?” was the words that came out of his mouth, confusing me.

“Yun Ho, what are saying?”

Straightening up from the chair, Yun Ho breathes out before he forced a smile towards me, shaking his head. “No-Nothing. Are you feeling alright?”

I nodded, eyeing him skeptically.

“Don’t worry, I won’t stay long. Jun Su will be here with you in a moment."

I would have asked more if not for Jun Su and his boyfriend, Chang Min coming in. With shoulders down, Yun Ho left us, saying he still have some meeting to attend to. I felt disappointed that he’d rather go to the office to work than be here in the hospital with me. A pout formed on my lips as I watch his back disappeared behind the door.

Once he was completely out of sight, I faced Jun Su and Min, asking them what actually happened. Imagine my surprise when I found out I’ve been in the hospital for two days. Apparently, after I passed out, Min Hyuk panic and had rushed me out of the cottage. Yoo Chun, who was about to check on me that time, saw him and so with the help of the personnel from the resort, I was rushed to the nearest hospital.

“Before I passed out, I saw…blood.”

Jun Su and Chang Min exchanged glances. “You didn’t know?”

“Know what?”

“Hyung, you’re pregnant.” Was Chang Min’s straight answer. Suddenly, realization dawned into me. Less than three months ago, Yun Ho and I made love (at that time I called it "Yun Ho me again incident.). We had a fight then and when I didn’t come home for two straight days, Yun Ho was dead worried and angry. As a punishment, he says, he forced himself onto me and I gladly accepted all his kisses and touch as I was a willing victim. But Yun Ho didn’t know that, the next morning he was gone leaving me with a note. Apologizing for what he did and promising never to do it again.

My hands felt my stomach. “Is…” I couldn’t get the words out, afraid of what the answer would be.

“Your baby’s safe. If you weren’t brought to the hospital sooner, you could have lost him.”

That explains the extreme mood swings I've been having. Sometimes I have shocked Yun Ho whenever I’d want him near me, being used to my harshness, of course that came as a surprise for him. "That explains my weird cravings, too." I thought.

“God!” I whispered as a single tear escaped from my closed eyes. I’m carrying our child and I didn’t even know. Why didn’t I even notice it before? Drinking, smoking, staying late and all the other things that I’ve been doing could have made me loose my baby...our child.

“Min Hyuk Hyung admitted what he tried to do.” Jun Su’s fist clenched at the mention of the name. “That bastard!”

I couldn’t really comprehend the other things that Jun Su and/ or Chang Min said as I thought of the one person I've hurt the most because of this. Now, I fully understand the look on Yun Ho’s face and what his words earlier mean. I gasped as I understand Yun Ho what might be thinking. I (tried) to get out of the bed to run after Yun Ho, if it’s even possible but my brother stopped me.

“Jun Su-yah, I need to tell Yun Ho I love him… I… need to talk to him…” I cried on my brother’s shoulder.

“Ssshh, Hyung, rest first. You can talk to Yun Ho Hyung later”

“But he might think that I wanted to loose the baby. And he’s hurting…” I couldn’t calm down, I just couldn’t so a nurse finally came to aid and I was soon put to sleep.

I stayed another day at the hospital before I was allowed to go out. The doctor said my condition’s a little sensitive so I need to take a lot of extra care. Yun Ho was always with me but he never initiated a conversation like he usually does. Nevertheless, I can feel how much he cares for me at every little thing he does.

“Yun Ho-yah.” I called when he started to walk towards the door after making me comfortable in the bed.

I bit my bottom lips when he stopped on his tracks but didn’t bother to turn around to look at me.

“I…” I started but the damn words just wouldn’t come out.

“Rest.” I shuddered at how cold his voice sounded against the four corners of the room. “I’ll bring you dinner when it’s done.”

I cried, muffling the sound of my own cry with the pillow. Things are different now. And up to this time, I haven’t got a chance to talk to Yun Ho. It’s either he’ll leave for work too early or come home very late.

I’ve hurt him…too much this time. And I know, if I don’t do anything soon, I might lose him. Forever.

*****************

I waited for Yun Ho to come home one night, disregarding the maid’s concerns towards me and the growing life inside of my body. I turned deaf to their pleas for me to rest; not bothering to follow them even with one of them promising to wake me up no matter how late once Yun Ho comes home. I speed dialed Yun Ho’s number for the nth time but all I heard was a voice asking me to leave a message. All I wanted was to talk to Yun Ho, why won’t he answer me?

The clock ticked, announcing the end of another day but I still waited. I started crying, clutching the phone against my chest. What if anything happened to Yun Ho? It’s already 1am and he’s never out this late. When he does, he’ll take a minute or two to call our house and inform the maids, who then pass the information on me.

I fell asleep waiting, just like the other nights. I didn’t feel it when Yun Ho finally comes home at the break of the dawn, lifting me up to our room and tucking me to bed. I didn’t wake up when he kneeled on my side of the bed as he watched me sleep. And I didn’t know how hard he’d always cry, wiping his tears away as he plant a light kiss on my forehead before he leaves again. If I knew, I would have willed my self to open my eyes so I can ask him to stay beside me and never leave.

I’ve started to lose weight. Even if I forced myself to eat, I’d end up throwing it all up.

“What happened?” I could hear Yun Ho’s frantic voice as he came rushing home after one of the maids informed him I passed out. How come he responds to the maids call but not when the calls coming from me?

I couldn’t comprehend what they're talking about from behind the now tightly closed doors. A few minutes later, Yun Ho came in looking tired more than he’s ever been.

He walked in and occupied the chair beside me as he forced a smile. Have I really break him this much that even a smile that usually formed naturally on his lips had to be forced? “Are you feeling alright?”

That question again? Do I look alright? The tears I was trying to hold finally fell, sliding down my cheeks as my voice cracked when I talk.

“Alright? Do I look fine to you? How can I be okay when I don’t find you every single morning when I wake up? You’re always at work, in a meeting, anywhere but here with me. You never come home to me. A single call would have been nice…” I would have talk some more but….

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to make you …worried… about me.”

“How can I not be worried? You… you’re my husband, Yun Ho!” I wanted to calm down but I couldn’t.

“I just thought… it’ll be safer for you and our…the baby” Why did it sound like saying the word "our" was a hard task for him? “I didn’t want to put you both in danger.”

I looked at him incredulously. “And how would not knowing where you are, not knowing if you’re somewhere safe keep us safe, huh?”

“If I’d stay home, I know you’ll choose to go out.” I stared at him in the eye but he kept his gaze down on the carpeted floor. “I know that… you can’t stand to see me. I know you hate it when I always check on you and I’d be doing just that if I stayed home. I know you hate me. For everything, for ruining your life, for breaking you and Min Hyuk apart.”

I understood and the tears that I’m crying now were unbelievable. How could I have done this to Yun Ho? From the confident man that he was, I turned him into an insecure, self doubting guy. Way too far from his old self.

“I love you, Jae Joong-ah. And I no longer want to be the one who causes you your unhappiness.” He finally looks up at me, not ashamed of the tears he’s shedding. “And in order to do that, I have to let you go.”

He’s giving up on me?

Lifting his hands, he handed me a brown envelope I didn’t even notice was there. “I know it’ll be hard…but I hope we can still remain friends, Jae Joong.” My hands trembled as I unfold the envelope. “I wish that you’ll find the real happiness you deserve, happiness you didn’t find with me after this.”

With that said, Yun Ho his heels leaving me trembling as I read the papers that I took out of the envelope. Divorce papers?

No! I can’t let him leave. I won’t let him leave. He can’t give up on me now. Not after everything I’ve put him through. The Yun Ho I knew never gives up, why would he give up now…on me?

Weakly and slowly, I followed after Yun Ho. He can’t do this to me. I won’t make him leave. Not now. Not ever! With my voice hoarse, I called his name. From the second floor, I can see his back and he’s almost at the door.

No! No!

With the railing of the stairs supporting me, I tried with all my might to descend the long stairs. I can’t let him get out of that door or I may not be able to see him again.

Thankfully, Nana, our oldest maid saw me from the first floor. Shocked, Nana called my husband’s attention. “Yun Ho-sshi, Jae Joong-ah…” she looked up at my direction.

I only managed to get down to three steps until Yun Ho came running back to me. “Jae Joong-ah!”

I hugged him tightly, not wanting to ever let him go. “Don’t go Yun ho-yah. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“I…”

“Promise me you won’t leave, Yun Ho. Please.’ I pleaded.

“I promise. I promise I won’t leave.” I clung on to him as he carried me back to our room. I felt tired but I don’t want to sleep afraid he may not be here when I wake up.

“Sleep now, Jae…”

I took his hand, intertwining our fingers. His light loving caress lulled me to sleep and it was only when he promised again that I finally drifted off.

Yun Ho never breaks his promise.

“I love you, Yun Ho-yah.” I remembered saying before I cuddled closer to Yun Ho. “I love you.’

*****************

“Yun Ho!” I sat up abruptly on the bed when I opened my eyes and I couldn’t find Yun Ho anywhere. I scrambled off the bed and was ready to sprint out of the room when the door suddenly opened.

I didn’t care if he thinks I’m being overly dramatic but I run towards Yun Ho, who was quick enough to place the tray of food down on a table before I swung my arms around his neck. “I thought you’d left me.” I sobbed as I buried my face on his broad chest

Yun Ho smiled, his chin resting on the top of my head. “I promised I won’t leave, didn’t I?” I nodded against is chest.

I pulled away only to wrapped my arms around his waist. There’s no room to feel ashamed of the boldness of my action.

“Yun Ho-yah, Mianhe. I’m sorry for being stupid all this time and…” He placed a finger on my lips, stopping me from talking any further.

“Ssshh, you don’t need to keep saying sorry, Boo…”

“But I hurt you…so much and…”

“I only need to hear one thing, Jung Jae Joong and I’ll be fine.”

I step back from him, my arms leaving his waist simply to cup his face.

“I love you, Jung Yun Ho.” I said as I stared at him straight into the eyes. I want him to feel the truth in those three words that came out of my mouth. I want my words to erase al the pain I’ve caused him.

“Do you really…? What about Min Hyuk-sshi?”

I pouted as I slapped him lightly on the shoulder.” Yes, I do. I have been in love with you but I was just stubborn and stupid that I kept on hurting you, even putting our baby in danger and I wish I could take them all back…”

I continued talking, missing the look of amusement in Yun Ho’s eyes.

“I love you so much…”

My words were soon lost when Yun Ho claimed my lips. I can feel my own tears and Yun Ho’s between the closeness of our faces. I smiled in our kiss. And I didn’t pull away like I always do. This time I wholeheartedly accepted his kiss.

“Saranghae, Jae Joong-ah”

“Nado Saranghae, Yun Ho.”