November 17, 2011

“Hyung,” Yongguk heard a voice say. “Hyung! What are you doing?”

He looked up. He was in the practice room of their company’s building. A confused looking Junhong was in front of him.

“Are you alright, Hyung? You looked out of it.” Junhong asks, eyes round and shiny under the room’s artificial lighting.

Yongguk shrugs it off, he feels like he was in a extremely vivid daydream. “I’m alright. Where are the others?”

“They left, said they were tired.” The younger boy picked himself off the floor. “I think I need to practice some more.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Yongguk asks, rubbing his eyes and yawning. “I can if you want to.”

Junhong nods and rubs his palms together, as if in deep concentration. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

Yongguk pauses in the midst of getting up to sit back down. “A favor?” He repeats.

“Yeah, do you think you could practice rapping with me? After our normal training?” Junhong visibly fidgets, rocking back and forth on his heels. “I’m really falling behind and we’re debuting soon so…”

“I don’t have time.” Yongguk said, wishing he could have said it less bluntly after seeing Junhong’s face fall. He really didn’t though. He had seldom hours between practices and those were expected to be used for eating and sleeping.

“Please, Hyung? It would mean a lot to me, please?” Junhong urged him. Yongguk’s thoughts strained and intertwined with conscience and he reluctantly nodded. Junhong’s lips stretch into a wide smile beneath his tired eyes.

It makes Yongguk believe he made the right choice.

The next few weeks are filled with determination and hard work. The two stay countless hours after practice, on their backs and yelling up at the ceiling. Laughs echo through the room when one or both of them make a mistake.

Somewhere around their thirtieth private rehearsal, Junhong collapses into laughter after he accomplishes the lyrics of a particularly fast rap line. Yongguk claps for him, feeling pride swell in him.

“Thank you, Hyung! Thank you so much!” Junhong cheers, wrapping his arms around Yongguk and unexpectedly kissing him. Yongguk muffles a gasp and pushes the younger off of him.

Junhong ducks back, visibly shrinking down, his face flushed. He murmurs a quick apology before running out of the practice room, not bothering to even put on his shoes. Yongguk doesn’t react immediately but instead pauses until he hears the rush of steps down the two flights of stairs. He then gets up, pulling on his worn out sneakers and going after Junhong.

Yongguk runs after him, his feet picking up speed when he sees Junhong reach a crosslight about to switch red. He grabs the younger boy by the back of his jacket and pulls him back to the street, avoiding the patches of ice that covered parts of the ground.

“You could have slipped or gotten hit by a car.” Yongguk says sternly, feeling a slew of mixed emotions rising from the pit of his stomach. “You should be more careful, we’re debuting in less than a month now!”

Junhong refuses to make eye contact with him, his feet sinking into the snow and feeling frozen between his toes. “I’m sorry.” He replies meekly. His head is faced downwards, his shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry about both things.”

Yongguk pauses his movements and for a moment, something odd bubbles in him. If Himchan and Jieun weren’t who he was writing for, was it Junhong? He pats the younger boy’s back and drapes his jacket over his shoulders. “Let’s talk about this inside.”

“Hyung, I really like you.” Junhong admits, cheeks tinging pink. A light in the practice room shone dimly on his embarrassed face. “I really like you.”

Yongguk doesn’t know how to respond. He knows what he should tell Junhong and he knows what he wants to tell Junhong. Is this how it’s supposed to go? If he wasn’t to be with Himchan or Jieun, was Junhong the answer?

The time spent with the younger had been fun, to say the least. They felt comfortable with each other, and there was something about Junhong’s innocence and drive that made Yongguk feel so happy. But still, something nagged at him that made him not want to say anything. He didn’t know what would happen so his mouth remains shut.

Junhong seems to become impatient. His fingers curl against the hardwood floor. He’s eager, it’s obvious by the way he pushes himself forward. It might also be because of the way he’s quivering that he still has half of the courage he requires.

Junhong makes himself be the answer. The line Yongguk had tried to avoid like the plague strained when he reciprocated and leaned towards him. A rush of cautious wind flew between the two and the line twisted when Yongguk decides that the song should be about Junhong.

The line breaks and everything feels right.

B.A.P debuts, and Yongguk and Junhong are still together. They sneak around as stealthily as they can and it seems to be working out. Jongup catches the two in the dorm’s bathroom once but brushes it off when Yongguk convinces him that he was fixing Junhong’s hair.

Then during the middle of filming Ta-Dah, everything goes to hell. Between sets, when the members are sent to stylists to fix their hair and change clothes, Yongguk and Junhong try to find a place to be with each other after their turns.

The two sneak off to an empty dressing room, and Yongguk’s hands are placed gently onto the sides of Junhong’s face. The two are lost in each other, paying little attention to the surrounding world. They’re too intoxicated to notice the click of a door opening but they do notice the gasp of a staff member and the sound of her clipboard dropping to the ground.

Yongguk really recognizes the gravity of his actions when his eyes open and sees the shocked woman standing by the door, eyes wide. She wordlessly picks up her clipboard and rushes out of the room, as if she hadn’t seen anything.

Junhong’s face is white as a sheet, his hands are trembling as he tries to find the right words. Yongguk reassures him that she won’t tell anyone but he isn’t sure of himself. His eyes hold a glimmer of hope and he tries to make Junhong think positively too.

When the two return to the members, their indifferent demeanor reassures them. They didn’t know anything. Junhong’s hair is immediately being fixed by a stylist, and she scolds him while asking how his curls have gotten to this disheveled state. He laughs nervously.

Through their next schedules, Yongguk constantly checks the news on their group’s shared phone and comes up with nothing. He breathes a sigh of relief, with no clue on what was to come.

Weeks after the incident, it happens. Yongguk open his eyes to multiple headlines, all about the same story.

“Two Undisclosed Male Idols Revealed to be Gay” was the along the lines of the first few and Yongguk looked at Junhong with worried eyes as the six of them watched the news. Youngjae briefly contemplates who it is out loud, and Junhong’s hands wrap into fists.

“Rookie Group B.A.P Stained by Gay Controversy” was released days after, with Yongguk and Junhong’s name in large print in nearby articles. The company, managers, and the other members are hit with extreme shock.

Multiple press conferences is what B.A.P’s lives come down to as their promotions come to a complete stand-still. Questions are asked to all of them but the answers are all vague and don’t give out much information, further throwing suspicion onto the story.

Junhong’s mother calls him in tears, throwing disappointment after disappointment onto the boy. Yongguk should have known this would have happened. He should have known it would never be this easy.

The other members are consoling and attempt to be supportive but the frustration and anger is evident in their eyes. The six of them return to their homes for the time being, wanting to avoid any more press.

Yongguk and Junhong don’t see each other for weeks but they text daily and call each other once in a while. Their conversations are reassuring and hopeful, as are conversations with the other members. However, their texts begin to come less and less often and within a month, they don’t come at all.

The only one Yongguk remains in contact with is Junhong and they continue to remain optimistic, they would make it up to the rest of them and everything would be fine.

In the following week, they’re presented with one final solution. They’re told to hold a press conference by their company and deny everything. They’re to separate and not hold any romantic connections with each other. They’re to lie and state they’re not gay, nor in love.

To lie would hurt the both of them but in a text the night before, Yongguk says that it might be their only chance to save B.A.P. Junhong doesn’t reply but Yongguk thinks nothing of it when their manager calls him that night and says Junhong agreed to it as well.

Yongguk is more hopeful now. He’s hoping a new beginning will come soon and that he and Junhong can be with each other again, whether they’re together or not.

Junhong never makes it to the press conference. He swallows a whole bottle of pills before he sleeps and goes quietly. He leaves a note taped to the bottle, with a simple “sorry” scrawled out in red pen.

The news hits Yongguk hard. He finds out in the morning, when he receives a call from his manager saying that the press conference was canceled.

Junhong had done what he wanted and left but he left Yongguk behind.

The last text he had received from Junhong said, “it’s going to be ok”.

Yongguk almost doesn’t attend Junhong’s funeral. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to accept this ending. The members are surprised to see him and Himchan can’t stop crying.

Yongguk can’t seem to form tears because he knows it won’t end like this. Junhong deserved a better song, even if it was with someone else.

As a few tears start to cloud his vision, Yongguk quietly says goodbye to Junhong by humming the first bars of the song he had started to write for the both of them.