January 21, 2011

“My name is Song Jieun, nice to meet you.” A long slender arm was extended out to Yongguk, accompanied by a smile from the petite woman. Yongguk shook her hand, worried his own was shaking. He was almost petrified to be in her presence. He wasn’t used to this at all. “Bang Yongguk.” He said, introducing himself as well but tripping over the last syllable.

Jieun beamed amicably. “There’s no need to be nervous. We’re working together, so we should become friends, right?” She nodded for emphasis. Yongguk nodded back, feeling a knot in his stomach untie at her words.

“Right.” He answered and he felt himself smiling back.

This felt okay. He felt okay.

The next few months flew so quickly that Yongguk barely noticed the time passing. He and Jieun had grown close, she was one of his few friends in the new business he had entered.

On the day of the music video shooting, Yongguk felt strange. He felt as if he had been in that exact situation before and knew what would happen if he was to do what he felt the need to do. He had a flash of someone that was familiar but unfamiliar at the same time.

He ignored the feeling, it felt bad anyway.

And after the shoot was over, Yongguk didn’t go back to the wardrobe tent to retrieve his hoodie. He never met Himchan, who was looking for one of his items as well. The two never talked that night, they never binded their two timelines together. Instead, it rearranged itself.

Something from a separate reality and different lifetime hit Yongguk, and he saw a flash of orange and red. Startled, he began to walk away from the tent, bumping into a somewhat familiar man with dark hair, apologizing, and nothing more.

Instead, Yongguk ran off to see Jieun, jokingly complimenting her on the bright teal her hair was dyed. Jieun chuckled and thanked him. Yongguk fidgeted, not sure how to go about asking her what he said next. When he did, Jieun looked surprised but nodded and stood up. She took hold of Yongguk’s hand and squeezed it, smiling widely at him.

Yongguk smiled back, and suddenly, the strange feeling he had was gone. Everything felt right again.

As they left the set together, Jieun asked if he wasn’t going to get the hoodie he wore when he arrived. Yongguk shook his head, “It’s alright.”

Jieun shrugged, saying she didn’t really like the hoodie that much either.

Halfway through the promotions Jieun and Yongguk had gone through together, they began to hug each other tighter, hold their gazes on stage longer, and have wider beams when they grinned to each other.

They slowly grew into the relationship they shared but never admitted it to each other. During the first week of April, on their last stage together, Yongguk rapped but he did it in a different way. He tried to plead with his eyes, trying to confess to her with the tone of his voice.

Yongguk turned his back to the camera, his palms flat on the piano, trying to capture Jieun’s eyes just for a second. The rest of the performance went on normally but when Jieun circled around Yongguk, the corner of her lips twitched up in the slightest.

When the two went off stage, the rest of the Secret members and their managers were there to congratulate them. Yongguk wrapped his arms around Jieun’s waist and embraced her as usual but longer than before. Jieun was the first to let go but she pulled him back in soon after by holding his cheeks between her hands and pressing her lips to his.

Fantasy and reality begin to whirl around Yongguk’s head and nothing in that moment could have made it any more perfect. The members of Secret are speechless, uttering nothing but gasps at the two. The managers nod and glance at each other, sharing a “I knew it” look.

Himchan walks into the dressing room right as the two let go, with a celebratory cake and balloons. He sees the last few seconds of their kiss and laughed. “I guess we have two things to celebrate now?”

Yongguk sees Himchan and gleams. The two were acquainted with each other for a while but only started to become friends last week.

Yongguk felt odd around Himchan at first, for no particular reason at all.

Yongguk felt someone turn him around to face the others. Jieun’s arm looped around Yongguk’s, she rested her head against his shoulder and nudged his side. “Smile.” She pointed at the polaroid being held by Hyosung and Yongguk did as he was told, expressing his euphoria as well as he could.

It was Jieun’s song now.

Yongguk and Jieun are together for seven years before they decide to get married. Yongguk proposed first and Jieun said yes almost immediately. She admitted she was going to ask him the same thing sometime the next morning.

They were each other’s steps, the ending to their sentences, almost perfectly in sync at all times.

They decide to announce it at Secret’s ninth anniversary party. Jieun abruptly interrupts the noisy crowds of artists and press to make an announcement. Yongguk is standing behind her and reassuringly squeezes her hand.

“Yongguk and I are getting married.”

The entire room is silent, until what Jieun said registered in the minds of the guests. Chaos occurs amongst the reporters, all of them rushing to the front to ask questions. An impromptu press conference occurs and in a matter of days, almost all of South Korea’s heard of their engagement.

The date was set for late May, when both of them would be thirty-one. The preparations for the wedding were the busiest few months of Yongguk’s life, even compared to B.A.P’s most hectic schedules.

After what feels like a lifetime of picking out the right tie, Yongguk finds himself standing at the altar, Himchan by his side. He and the other four are wearing familiarly unfamiliar bright pink bowties.

Yongguk senses something vague, as if he’s done this before. He shakes it off once again and glances at Himchan.

“He’s better off.”

And Yongguk isn’t completely sure why he thinks that but he ignores it as he hears the first few notes of the wedding march.

Eventually, Yongguk tries to write that song again. He spends six months in the studio, taking breaks a few times inbetween to center himself. He’s certain he’ll lose himself in the music if he doesn’t do so.

Jieun is with him every step of the way while he writes it, often falling asleep on the couch as Yongguk composes bars and bars of notes strung together to create a mellifluous harmony that he’s extremely proud of. On occasion, something tugs at him, saying that not every beat and pause was for her.

The release of his song lifts Yongguk to a position of fame he never expected. He’s praised continuously for the masterfully composed song and always answers with the name of Jieun when asked who he thought of while writing it.

After countless interviews just to talk about his song, Yongguk’s almost able to recite every answer without even hearing the questions. The interviewer once asks who he thought of while writing it, expecting the obvious answer.

However, Yongguk’s mind suddenly goes elsewhere and he suddenly feels like he’s not in his world. He hasn’t realized that he’s said the wrong answer until he’s half-way through it. He quickly corrects himself and goes back to saying Jieun, throwing in a good-hearted smile and pretending nothing happened.

He wasn’t sure what happened just then but convinces himself it was just a slip-up.

Although the media first let it go, netizens did not. Just hours after the interview is published, Yongguk’s name launches to the top of the search engines, accompanied with the word “cheating”.

Hundreds of theories on who he really wrote the song for came up. Celebrities, entertainers, and other idols names are all compiled on a large list passed from forum to forum. All of them have a name beginning with the letter “H”.

Himchan’s name is on the list as well.

Of course, Jieun isn’t fazed by it. She knows how busy Yongguk’s been in the past few months writing the song, he barely had time to eat, let alone commit adultery. The two decided they would just ignore it, that the story would die down soon.

It obviously wasn’t that easy. It was impossible. The media picked up on the story eventually, pestering Yongguk and even Jieun for details. Jieun came into the studio one night, extremely frustrated after a particularly pesky reporter had been nosing her all day.

Yongguk tried to comfort her, he had been hounded by the press just as much. Guilt overwhelmed him as Jieun paced around the room sighing. “Jieun, maybe we can just wait a little longer. They’ll give up some time.”

Jieun turns completely to face him and snaps, “I’ve been waiting for a few months!” She yells, anger obvious in her eyes. “When will they quit?!”

Yongguk feels horrible because it really is his fault. Jieun continues, voice rising in volume and anger. “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you say my name anyway?!”

Yongguk stammered and it seemed to make her even more furious. “Are you really cheating on me?” She asked calmly, her voice shrinking into a squeak.

The other was silent.

Jieun stands up. She walks out of the studio wordlessly, not even bothering to take her bag.

He should have said no.

Yongguk spent the rest of his sleepless night in the studio. He listened to his wretched song over and over again. It disheveled before him. The notes didn’t sound melodious anymore, they sounded as if they were strained. The lyrics were off, cliché even. The story was too empty, unexperienced. The more he listened to it, the more flaws he found. This wasn’t the song he wanted.

That night, Yongguk kissed his memories goodbye and left himself once again.