Nous ne deviendrons jamais vieux
  

“Do you love me?”

If there was one thing that had not changed, it was the fact that Lu Han loved Sehun. Lu Han really, really loved Sehun. He loved Sehun so much that he could endure the lipstick stains and hushed midnight calls. If enduring meant they could stay together, Lu Han was willing to pretend he did not know a thing. In fact, Lu Han was actually afraid that Sehun would always have a special place in his heart, his head. A place no one else could ever touch or barge in. Sehun was that kind of person to Lu Han and that scared Lu Han. It scared him because Sehun could make him feel like he was in heaven, but could also pull him into the darkest hell he could ever imagine. Sehun had such a scary effect on him.

Sehun made him instable.

“Today, I’m not taking silence for an answer.”

Lu Han looked into Sehun’s eyes as the sentence resonated in his mind. Lu Han watched intently as Sehun’s eyes screamed for words to come out of his lips. Lu Han saw it all and it made him want to cry. It made him want to cry because why did they always end up like this? Why is it that no matter how hard they tried, this would always be the result? This love, these emotions – they were too much already. This tug-o-war had gone on for too long already. Lu Han’s hands were tired already. Lu Han’s soul was tired already from pulling and pushing and pulling and pushing.

And pulling again.

“Sehun-ah…” Lu Han took a shaky breath, eyes glossed over with exhaustion, “…I’m tired.”

“Lu Han…” Sehun’s expression turned into a troubled one, “I-”

“I… I really think we shouldn’t see each other anymore,” Lu Han felt his heart scream in agony as he said those words, but he decided to ignore it, “I really think it’s for the best.”

“But why?! Why do you keep on running away? You love me!” Sehun screamed as he too finally lost it, shaking hands holding tightly onto Lu Han’s shoulder, “I know you do! You still love me! That’s why you can’t push my away! That’s why you can’t ignore me!”

Sehun was right; Lu Han could never push him away. Lu Han would come crawling back to him no matter how many times he was pushed down. Lu Han would climb mountains and swim through the roughest seas in order to get to Sehun. That was just how much Lu Han loved Sehun.

However, it was tiresome to put up an act, it really was. Lu Han was exhausted of pretending already, no matter how convenient it was. And deep inside, Lu Han knew. Deep inside, Lu Han knew the reason for pretending. He knew why he never wanted to acknowledge the painful truth. All this time, he would rather put himself through misery than face reality, because he knew that everything would really be over once he acknowledged the truth. He understood that it would really be game over once he stopped refusing and started accepting reality.  

“Sehun-ah… I do love you,” Lu Han finally said in a soft whisper, and it felt good to finally being able to let it all out, “I never stopped loving you. I could never stop loving you. And that’s why we should end this.”

Sehun was grabbing him way too forcefully right now, “Don’t say that! The fact that we never stopped loving each other even after all these years should mean something! We made some mistakes, but we can fix them! Don’t-”

“Listen to me!” Lu Han screamed, successfully shutting Sehun down, “Stop living in some kind of dream and come back to your senses! Don’t you understand?! Don’t you see?! This love isn’t good, it’s not good at all! After all these years, I still love you the same way I loved you when you were just an intern. After all these years, I still yearn for you the same way I yearned for you when you bought me supermarket birthday cakes. After everything that has happened, my foolish heart still thinks you’re the one. And that’s wrong, Sehun-ah… That’s…” Lu Han’s voice trembled, “That’s not healthy, Sehun-ah.”

Lu Han should have acknowledged it much earlier. He should have acknowledged the fact that his love for Sehun made him do the craziest things. He would sleep with strangers for the sake of finding a temporary comfort. He would drown himself in alcohol for the sake of forgetting why he drank in the first place. He could ruin himself because of Sehun. He purposely killed himself again and again because of Sehun.

And that was not right.

“I love you so much I don’t know what to do with these emotions… I love you so much that I’m scared to death that I’ll see you with someone else. I love you so much that even if I’m with you, I’ll still feel insecure. I love you so much that even when you’re sleeping with me, I’ll keep on thinking you slept with someone else while I was away. I keep on suspecting that you had with someone on the very bed we share. I’ll be convinced that I smell perfume on all your dress shirts! We would end up running the same circles all over again! And that’s why I didn’t want to see you,” Lu Han wiped away the tears that had rolled down his cheeks, but fresh ones replaced them, “I knew that seeing you would bring all those feelings back. Seeing you would make me want you again. Seeing you would make me get my hopes up again. Seeing you would make me feel all these horrifying emotions that mess me up… I slept with a stranger just to grab your attention,” Lu Han felt entirely in front of Sehun as told everything, “I had on the balcony with someone I didn’t love because I’m a fool who doesn’t know how to love properly.”

The truth was finally out. The truth was finally out that, no matter how many years had passed, Lu Han still had not grown up. He still loved Sehun in the same childish way as he did years ago. Lu Han could pretend he was alright, but Sehun only had to briefly appear in front of him and he would be gone. He would go crazy again. Lu Han loved Sehun so much that it frightened him. Lu Han loved Sehun so much that one mistake could truly and entirely kill him.

“We can make this work, Lu Han-” Sehun tried desperately, the longing swirling in his eyes, “I can leave everything behind for you-”

Lu Han wanted to give in so badly – his head was starting to hurt from feeling so much pain – but he knew better, “This love can’t be right, Sehun-ah…”

“But you’re the only one for me…” Sehun pleaded, the tears falling down like a rainstorm.

“Sehun-ah… If you really, really do still love me…” Lu Han slowly removed Sehun’s hands from his shoulders, “Then you should turn around when you see me on the streets. You should ignore me when we see each other. You should burn everything that reminds you of me… You should get married to Soojung and live a happy life… Don’t think about me, and don’t wonder about how I’m doing. Don’t wonder if I’m eating properly or taking good care of myself. I’ll survive. I can survive all this. Just… Just don’t waver. As long as you don’t waver, it’ll be alright… Just don’t wonder about what we could be…”

Lu Han hastily stood up and stumbled to the door. He could feel his head exploding. The headache was killing him, the reality was killing him and all he wanted was to leave. All he wanted was to find a quiet place to accept everything he just said. If he looked into Sehun’s sad eyes one more second, his guard would fall down. If he stayed there one more second, he would be too weak to fight anymore. His head hurt so much he could not stay strong any longer.

“We could never last.”

Lu Han rushed out of the room, feeling lighter than ever before.

-

Fighting, Lu Han!

“Lu Han, let’s do something! Together!”

I like you, Lu Han.

“Good morning.”

“Can’t you just trust me?”

“My name’s Chanyeol, nice to meet you.”

“I had a wonderful time yesterday night. Call me soon.”

“Please, listen to me!”

“I hate this! I hate how we end up like this every single time.”

“You’re not like this! You’re better than this!”

“I hate you!”

“Then leave, or stay by my side for a life time.”

“Tell me, do you love me?”

“Let’s break up.”

I love you.

“I missed you.”

“You can leave now.”

“Because I love you, that’s why you should leave.”

-

Lu Han cried as he looked at his empty bed with messy sheets. Lu Han cried as frantic pounding on the door took over his rationality. Lu Han cried as he heard Sehun’s pleads whispered against the door he was leaning on. Lu Han cried as he dug his fingernails into his skin, hoping the pain would bring some relief. He hoped the pain would make him numb to the hurt.

It had been hours. It had been hours already. Sehun should have understood by now that Lu Han would not open the door, no matter how tempting it was. Sehun should have accepted the fact by now that Lu Han would do anything to keep the door closed. Lu Han would rather bite down on his own skin and taste fresh blood than open the door. Lu Han would rather scream and shout and yell until he collapsed than let Sehun inside. His heart hurt because every piece of him was saying to open the door, but he fought back like a lion. Every piece of him was saying to let Sehun in, to give the two of them another chance, but Lu Han chewed down every hope that bubbled up.

Because Lu Han understood that they could never last.

“Open the door, Lu Han…” Sehun said with a hoarse voice, startling Lu Han with yet another hit on the door, “Please, open the door…”

Lu Han had not spoken a single word the whole time Sehun stood there. He did not know how to. He did not even know what to say, without giving himself away. He did not know how to control himself so he would not give in to Sehun’s words and promises. Lu Ha would always want to give Sehun second chances because Sehun was the person he loved the most. However, that was not right. At one point, love should not matter anymore.

At some point, love should not be the reason anymore.

So he would rather not say a thing, because that felt the safest. It felt the safest because he could not say anything wrong if he said nothing at all. He would not give Sehun false hopes if he did not say anything. He would not give himself away if he did not say anything. He just had to endure, and everything would be over. No matter how painful it was, he would endure it. 

“I love you…” Sehun spoke in a softly manner, but hard enough for Lu Han to hear through his haze, “Nothing feels the same without you… Home doesn’t feel like home anymore… Home isn’t a home without you…”

Lu Han snapped his eyes shut. Endure. Endure. Endure. Think back about the fights and broken promises. Think back about how it never worked out, no matter how many times we tried. Think back about how ugly this love is.

“I’m sorry… Lu Han, I’m really sorry…”

The apology broke something inside of Lu Han. It tugged painfully at his heart because it had been so long since he last heard an apology from Sehun. It had been so long since he heard Sehun say sorry like he meant it. It had been so long since they really listened to each other. And this realization made his heart scream with agony. Why was it that they could never properly talk to each other?

“So please… Please open the door… We can make this work…”

The older male took a deep breath before wiping away the tears staining his cheeks. His vision was blurry and his head hurt beyond comprehension. Lu Han did not want to say a thing, he really did not. However, Lu Han was certain that if this went on for any longer, he might lose consciousness. If this went on for any longer, he might really collapse. If this went on for any longer, he might really die.

If Sehun went on for any longer, Lu Han might really die right there on the floor.

 “Sehun-ah… ” Lu Han’s voice trembled as he leant his cheek against the door, “I’m sorry too…”

“If, on that fine spring day years ago, I didn’t kiss you, how did you think our lives would have ended up? Would we still be together, somehow? Or would we still be living under the same roof, but as best friends, and nothing more? Would things have been better if, at that time, I hadn’t kissed you?”

Lu Han had indeed run away. He would rather stay silent than say the words he wanted the most. He would rather scream and shout than say. All this time, this was how he lived. All this time, this was how he protected himself. When Sehun said they should break up back then, Lu Han swallowed down all the words he so desperately wanted to say. He would rather pretend to be strong than show Sehun how weak he actually was. And maybe… Maybe that had not been the fairest thing to do to Sehun. Maybe Lu Han hurt Sehun beyond repair too by saying nothing at all, when he should have said everything.

“Sehun-ah… We tried our best… We did anything we could… We tried to make it work so many times… But the result was always the same,” Lu Han dug his fingertips even deeper into his forearm as he choked in his tears, “I should have ended this back then... I should have… I should have given you a reply when you asked whether things would have been different if you had never kissed me back then… I’m so sorry, Sehun-ah…”

This should have ended a long time ago. Back then, Lu Han was too afraid of letting this love go, and he was certain Sehun felt the same. However, he understood now that he should have ended it back then. Then he would not have spent his days wearing Sehun’s clothes until the scent disappeared and he could only find comfort in stranger’s clothes. Then he would not have spent his days looking up to the ceiling and crying about the empty space next to him on the bed. Then he would not have to feel so hollow inside every day and drown himself in work.

“I don’t regret kissing you back at that moment, Sehun-ah.”

Lu Han was not certain Sehun understood. However, even if he did not understand it now, Lu Han knew he would understand it one day. Lu Han believed Sehun would one day understand he never regretted loving Sehun. He never regretted returning Sehun’s feelings back then when they were both young and reckless. Sehun had brought him some of the best memories he could ever recall in his whole life. Sehun had given him some of the most amazing life experiences he could ever put in his pocket.

Lu Han regretted a lot of things in his life.

“But if I knew what would come after that, maybe I should’ve kissed you back a little less desperately.”

But he never regretted loving Sehun.

-

“Lu Han, are you certain you want to leave? You’ve worked so hard for this,” Joonmyun looked up at Lu Han with concern, “Is everything alright?”

“I… I just felt like I needed a break,” Lu Han replied before cracking a smile, “I haven’t taken a break in the three years I’ve worked for the company. I’m certain you can all live without me for a month. Jongdae will be more than happy to take over my tasks for the project.”

Joonmyun sighed at this, “It’s not like I won’t let you take a break. I… I just don’t want you to regret this. It’s not every day you get these kinds of opportunities.”

Lu Han’s hold onto his luggage strengthened, “I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life that I’m still regretting. However, I don’t think I’ll regret this decision.”

His apartment had not seen light for so long that it almost felt foreign to see the place so bright. The first thing Lu Han did upon arriving at the apartment was pushing away the curtains, letting the sunlight come inside. It felt weird to feel sunbeams dance on his skin, because it had been so long since only darkness touched his body. It had been so long since he last felt the comfortable warmth that made him feel… At peace.

This apartment… This place… Ever since Sehun left, it had felt like this place was empty, dead. Lu Han needed to put the television on just to give it some sound, some life. Lu Han bought goldfishes to give the place some life – only to have them die on him weeks later. Lu Han tried to grow some plants to give the apartment some signs of living – only to have the energy out of them before they could fully grow. Ever since Sehun left, this place felt like a faraway place that had been left behind. A place that was a memory only Lu Han knew of. It was frightening to live in a place that made him feel forgotten.

So Lu Han had tried his best to throw away everything that made him cry and bury everything his heart could not take to see or burn. He tried his best to change this apartment into something he could live in. When that did not work, he tried his best to take off all the colors of the walls. He tried ripping off all the colors he and Sehun had painted on the walls by drowning it in darkness. He foolishly thought that as long as he did not let any sunlight hit the apartment, this place would one day forget its own colors.

However, even if this apartment could forget, Lu Han could never forget. 

Lu Han could not forget because he did not want to forget. He did not want to forget what had happened in this apartment. He did not want to forget what he and Sehun had shared. No matter how hard Lu Han denied it, he was in fact afraid of letting go. It felt like betrayal to let go of all those memories, no matter how hurtful they were to him.

While looking at the lingering clothes on the ground, the unwashed dishes and the overfilled trash bin, Lu Han understood that it would take some time. It would take time and tears to let things go. It was not going to be easy. He still could not touch that box inside his closet that was filled with everything related to Sehun. He was not even sure whether he would ever be able to touch that box. The thought alone gave him chills, because he was not certain whether he could ever face Sehun without feeling so many emotions. Maybe he could never really put a closure on his love for Sehun. However, he would need to try. If he wanted to move on, he needed to try the best he could.

A single tear rolled down his cheek as he closed his eyes, preparing himself to rip a big part of his heart out of his body.