Adieu, bonheur
  

Lu Han woke up with a soft smile, gaze landing on the person lying next to him. The bed was too small for the both of them to lay comfortably on, yet Lu Han saw no reason to complain, because lying next to Sehun felt like heaven. Waking up to the sight of a sleeping Sehun was reason enough to endure any discomfort that he would get from sleeping on Sehun’s small single-sized bed. Lu Han felt warmth spreading inside his body as his fingers moved through Sehun’s hair, the softness of it feeling good against his fingertips. Their bodies were almost pressed together, lying so close that Lu Han could see every little detail of Sehun clearly. Lu Han was about to move his hand down to Sehun’s cheek when Sehun’s hand suddenly darted out of the blanket to grab his wrist, momentarily shocking him.

“I’m feeling violated in my sleep,” Sehun said with closed eyes, a smile dancing on his lips.

“You weren’t even really sleeping,” Lu Han replied with a small grin.

Sehun opened his eyes at this, mischief dancing in his eyes, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Lu Han said back with a warm, loving smile, “you should get up already. It wouldn’t leave a good first impression if you were to be late on your first day.”

Sehun groaned at this, burying his face in his pillow, “I don’t want to wake up.”

Lu Han could never get enough of Oh Sehun, could never get enough of this childish young man that managed to pave his way so easily to Lu Han’s heart. Lu Han could never get used to these little moments where it is only the two of them.

“Three,” Lu Han began to count amusedly, “two, one-”

And Sehun was already yelling happily as he reached the bathroom, exclaiming to have won from Lu Han once again, and Lu Han was certain he could never get enough of that either.

Lu Han did not remember who of them had been the one who decided to take the first wrong turn. Lu Han did not recall who of them had been the one who started the first silent war, who had given their little heaven the first scar that would never heal. What he did know, though, was that somewhere along the way, one of them turned right, the other left.

Sehun did terribly well on his work, as Lu Han had already expected, so it really did not take long before Sehun got himself somewhere high on the social ladder of the company, earned enough money that they actually did not have to live in that claustrophobically small apartment anymore. But they liked the place they had deemed as their little heaven, loved this coziness of it and Sehun’s bed that was too small for the both of them. They enjoyed how this apartment reminded them of the beginning, of their story. So they never even thought about moving out, moving somewhere else. Nothing could even try to compare itself to this blissful place of happiness.

Lu Han soon found himself spending less time with Sehun, found himself seeing Sehun much and much less. He found himself spending the time they did have having to accompany Sehun to business dinners and other formal occasions that he would rather not go, but for Sehun, he of course would. He found himself seeing how Sehun wore a kind of mask that he never saw before in front of the world, and he found himself slightly scared when he realized that outside their little apartment, Sehun had a kind of pretense that was so terribly cold and distant that it made him shiver. Most importantly, he found himself seeing things he did not want to see, rather wished to have never seen, because certain things could never be forgotten, would always be glued to his memory.

The first time he really caught Sehun with it, was when he was talking to Jongin, Sehun’s colleague and friend, laughing at Jongin’s foolish remark while drinking from his wine, before he looked around to search for Sehun. It was not long before his eyes landed on the other, found the other in the crowd ever so easily, sitting by the bar. He saw a kind of smirk that he had never seen Sehun wearing before, and he had seen a kind of gaze that he had never seen in Sehun’s eyes before. He saw how the breathtakingly beautiful young woman gently rested her hand on Sehun’s thigh, grabbing the fabric of his dress pants slightly as if to give a kind of sign. He saw how the two of them looked into each other’s eyes, and maybe, if only he had not already made his way to the both of them, he would have seen the two of them doing something he did not ever want to see happening.

“Sehun-ah, I’m tired,” Lu Han said, his voice too cold for his own liking.

Sehun’s eyes snapped to Luhan’s direction, and Lu Han was so sure he saw a kind of frightened shock swimming in his eyes, “A-Ah, yes, let’s go.”

“Sehun-ah, is that how your boyfriend calls you?” The young woman with intense eyes said amused, slender fingers tugging some of her long hair behind her hair elegantly, “Well, Sehun-ah, it was nice talking to you. See you on Monday.”

And Lu Han had waited the whole night for some kind of answer from Sehun, something, just something, but Sehun never gave him anything like that.  

-

Lu Han did not have to look up to know that someone was looking at him. It had been a while since he last got this kind of attention, and it made him uncomfortable. It felt wrong to get this kind of attention when he was already taken, when he already had a boyfriend waiting on him at home. A boyfriend that was not home often anymore, but was nevertheless his boyfriend he wanted to stay loyal to. So he decided to ignore the stare and quickly eat up his slice of hazelnut cake, wanting to get out the small café as soon as possible. However, it did not work out because soon a shadow fell upon him and when he looked up, he saw the same pair of intense eyes looking right into his.

“Mind if I sit here?” The immensely tall young man asked, big eyes and bright smile that mesmerized him for a moment.

“I…” Lu Han hesitated for a while, not really feeling comfortable with the thought but not wanting to sound mean, “Go ahead.”

The boy threw him another sunshine smile as he sat down in front of Lu Han, the scent of his coffee reaching Lu Han’s nose bashfully.

“My name’s Chanyeol, nice to meet you,” Chanyeol said, not even the slightest bit shy to introduce himself.

“You can call me Lu Han,” Lu Han replied with a small smile.

Chanyeol turned out to be a terrible funny guy, a young man that was impossible not to like. Chanyeol had a kind of carefree charm that drew Lu Han to him, a kind of warmth that was so easy to get addicted to. Chanyeol’s low voice sounded pleasant to Lu Han’s ear, his way of speaking mesmerizing him. This Chanyeol was a kind of resemblance of confidence in its warmest way, and Lu Han could not help but think that Chanyeol was a brilliant young man.

Chanyeol also seemed to be a brilliant manipulator of minds because Lu Han did not know how, but he ended up with Chanyeol’s phone number in his cell phone, and he really did not remember Chanyeol asking him for his cell phone. However, Lu Han should have known better than to keep that phone number when they both stood in front of the café, ready to part ways, and Chanyeol winked at him suggestively before turning around.

Yet he did not.

-

Little sins and secrets were bound to be exposed one time or another, but it was quite laughable how theirs had been revealed to each other on the same time, while they were trying to show each other just how much they love each other. Lu Han had waited patiently for Sehun to come home, and the moment Sehun stepped inside the apartment he had rushed to his side and kissed him hungrily on the lips. He tugged onto Sehun’s tie impatiently, lips curving into a satisfied smile when he felt Sehun bury his fingers in his hair.

“Welcome home, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han whispered in his ear.

Sehun did not spill any more time, pushed Lu Han down on the couch before hovering above him, eyes filled with passionate hunger that Lu Han liked seeing. Their deep breathing filled the living room, only the dim moonlight giving them the necessary light to see each other’s face. Lu Han’s hazy eyes lingered on Sehun’s exposed collarbone, and he eagerly began ing Sehun’s white dress shirt, when his gaze landed on a lipstick stain that blemished the whiteness, mocked him silently while he continued looking at it. Instantly, his eyes had turned into a glassy emptiness, but what he did not realize that Sehun’s own eyes had landed on some kind of bruise on his own neck, which turned out to be a hickey that was never supposed to be there.

It was really kind of ironic how it had turned out this way, because nobody knew who the first person to have taken the wrong turn in their relationship, who had cheated on the other first, but they had both committed a sinful crime. It was the beginning of a silent war that would continue to take on for ages, because they both felt guilty and angry at the same time, a combination of emotions that never did a person any good.

-

“Where are you going?” Sehun asked him while Lu Han was busy putting on his coat.

“Meeting up with a friend,” Lu Han said while glancing back at Sehun.

Sehun’s face was rid off any expression as he looked at him, “A friend?”

Lu Han knew Sehun had all the right to suspect him after what had happened, but he still felt accused, still felt wrongly suspected for something he was not going to do. He never even intended on doing anything bad behind Sehun’s back again, never even thought of doing something that would hurt Sehun again. Yet, Sehun’s doubt hurt his heart, hurt his pride, and it made him angry.

“I’m just going to meet up with Minseok,” Lu Han hissed unhappily while turning around to face Sehun, “can’t you just trust me?”

Sehun chuckled emptily at this, “You didn’t trust me when I said nothing would happen on my business trip.”

Lu Han’s eyes darkened at this, “We talked this over already. I’m not letting you go to Tokyo with her.”

The moment Sehun told him that he would go on a business trip, and Soojung would go with him, Lu Han had immediately told him that he was not allowed to go. Sehun had given him the silent treatment after that, but Sehun knew that Luhan would get really angry at him if he were to go. Lu Han had made sure Sehun realized that.

“It’s not like I don’t trust you,” Lu Han said, breaking eye contact with Sehun, “I just don’t trust her.”

“Which, in other words, simply mean you don’t trust me,” Sehun said matter-of-factly, causing Lu Han to bit his inner cheeks for the sake of staying calm.

“I’m not having this conversation with you-” Lu Han said tiredly, but Sehun cut him off.

“I’m going, whether you like it or not,” Sehun said.

Lu Han balled his hands into fists at this, “What?! Why?!”

“Because I’m not going to let this golden opportunity to strike a deal with the company there slip just because my childish excuse of a boyfriend doesn’t let me!” Sehun yelled back, and Lu Han flinched at this because Sehun had never talked like this to him before.

“What?! Who’s a child right now?! You’re the one acting like a pathetic little kid!” Lu Han screamed back, his head throbbing because of the anger filling him.

“Look who’s talking! You’re the one who’s just being pathetic and selfish right now!” 

“You’re such a bastard! I told you not to go!”

It was foolish, but Lu Han did not want to deal with this, so he just rushed out of the apartment, not even bothering looking behind him. He did not even know when their relationship turned into this mess, but he did not want to deal with it. He did not want to deal with this pathetic chaos that was supposed to be love.

-

In the end, Sehun did go on this business trip, leaving Lu Han on his own. All the other had done was telling Lu Han in a matter-of-fact kind of tone that he would be back in a week, but Lu Han did not even bother replying. He had regretted his cold attitude towards Sehun almost immediately after Sehun had left, the guilt eating him up alive as he looked around the apartment, the place suddenly feeling so cold and empty that it made him feel hollow inside. He spent the week thinking about how much this little heaven of theirs no longer felt blissful, how they had turned from inseparable lovers into distant strangers, and he wanted to change that so badly. So he decided he would let it all pass, forgive Sehun and hope to be forgiven too, because this was not how things were supposed to end up. He and Sehun were supposed to live in happiness.

And the day Sehun came back, Lu Han had spent the whole day in the kitchen, having taken the whole day off for the sake of making Sehun’s favorite food. He was not a born cook, but he tried his best and he just hoped that this would bring them back to the past that had linked them together. The moment the sound of the front door opening reached his ears, he hastily dropped his cooking utensils to rush to the door, just in time to see Sehun stepping into the apartment. His dark brown hair was slightly hiding his eyes, the yellow patterned scarf wrapped warmly around his neck.

“Welcome home,” Lu Han said gently.

Sehun looked up with blinking eyes, before warmth filled his eyes, “I’m back.”

The food tasted better than it really was, but that could only be positive. The tense atmosphere that recently filled the apartment was rapidly crushing down, and they both were happy with that. More than happy. After dinner, Sehun pulled Lu Han gently to the living room, making him sit down on the couch before looking through his luggage. Sehun took out a expensive looking wrapped box, making Lu Han’s eyes blink when he handed it to him.

“For you,” Sehun said with a small smile.

Lu Han accepted the present, biting his lip slightly because he did not want to show the bubbling excitement he was feeling. He unwrapped the box carefully, enjoying the quality of it, before his eyes landed on the heavenly pieces of chocolate that looked more like little art pieces than something one should eat.

“I hope you like them, they taste really good,” Sehun said as kneeled down in front of Lu Han, “I’m sorry, Lu Han.”

Lu Han did not look up, tears welling in his eyes as he continued looking at the delicate chocolate pieces. Sehun moved his hand to pick up one of the chocolates, feeding Lu Han and Lu Han opened his mouth to let the chocolate pass his lips, a tear slipping out of the corner of his eye when the taste reached his taste senses. It could not beat the Tirol chocolate, but it was a close call to a forever and always happiness.

Sehun’s hand reached out to wipe of the tear, and Lu Han’s heart was screaming because it had been so long since he last felt that gentle touch that gave him comfort and made him want to surrender himself completely to the other. That night was the first night since weeks that he slept in Sehun’s bed again, and as always, he slept much better in Sehun’s bed than his own.

-

Lu Han found himself sitting on the couch, staring at the piece of paper that made his insides burn in fury. He found himself balancing on a thin line of sanity, the wind mocking him with playful blows that almost made him fall.

By now the message had been branded in the back of his mind already, yet he continued to stare at it as if it was all a dream. As if it was all a dream and Lu Han was so close to waking up, but he did not want to wake up yet.

He did not bother moving, did not bother eating, did not bother doing anything other than staring at the piece of slightly crumbed white paper that seemed to stare back at him amusedly. He did not bother greeting Sehun when he came back, did not bother looking up to meet eyes with the other, did not bother pretending he had not found this haunting piece of sinfulness in Sehun’s room.

“Hey, I’m home,” Sehun said, his voice laced with exhaustion.

Lu Han did not reply, did not bother saying anything back. He was waiting for the moment Sehun would realize what was happening. He was waiting for the moment Sehun would realize just what Lu Han had found in the jacket of his suit that itself had a distinct sweet scent lingering on it.

“Lu Han, what’s-” Sehun began, but the sentence ended up vanishing in the air.

Lu Han finally dared to look up, finally dared looking into a pair of shocked eyes while wearing an emotionless expression, noticing slightly amusedly how Sehun looked so frightened just because he had found out his little secret.

“I had a wonderful time yesterday night. Call me soon.” Lu Han grinned terribly coldly as he picked up the piece of paper, “What exactly did you do with her that was so wonderful that she would write you this? Did you two go star gazing? Walked around the beach? Talked about the weather over a nice cup of tea?” His icy eyes bore into Sehun’s as he continued, “ed?”

“Let me explain, Lu Han-”

“Explain? Explain?” Empty laughter filled the room that pierced through souls, “Alright, alright, go ahead. Explain, but do come up with a decent lie so I can at least try to fall for it.”

“It was a mistake, really, Lu Han, you’ve to believe me! She… We were drunk, and I didn’t know how it all happened, but we seemed to have… To have…”

“To have ed,” Lu Han said, not even feeling the slightest bit of reluctance to boldly say that word.

Lu Han stood up robotically, walking to the front door before putting on his coat and shoes. How he wished Sehun would stop him, would grab onto his arm harshly to stop him from walking out of the front door, but Sehun never did.

Sehun let him go, and that might have hurt even more than what Sehun had done.

-

Lu Han did not quite remember anymore how he ended up sitting on some stranger’s lap, being kissed hungrily, but he was sure the taste of strong vodka came from himself, and the burning in his throat seemed to confirm that. Lights flashed around him, swirling into a heavenly mixture of color brightness that made him grin like a little fascinated child. His head felt light yet so terribly heavy that he had to lean against this stranger’s chest dearly, fingers digging into the other’s dress shirt as he tried to hold onto something, just something.

“Let’s go somewhere quiet, shall we?” This person whispered in his ear suggestively.

And Lu Han faintly thought of why he might have possibly ended up with this young man, this tall man with intense eyes and a smirk that seemed so devilishly, because he wore a white dress shirt, and Sehun always wore white dress shirts, and those eyes kind of resembled Sehun’s. But all of that was pushed into the farthest corners of his mind when the other pushed his lips against him, and all Lu Han could remember was that filthy written note, the fact that Sehun had not stopped him from walking out of the door, and that was reason enough to give himself completely to this stranger for the night.

It was so wicked, so illogical, but nothing was rational anymore to begin with.

-

“Please, listen to me,” Sehun said while holding on to him tightly, pressing himself against Lu Han’s back.

Lu Han leaned his head tiredly against Sehun’s chest, wanting to feel the comfort he used to feel, but that heaven felt so far away all of a sudden. Happiness suddenly felt so far away.

“I never thought the day would come you would begin to look at me with that expression, with those eyes that see me as a stranger,” Lu Han spoke out, exhaustion laced strongly around those soft spoken words, “I always thought you would keep that ing business attitude of yours away from private life, from me. It seems I was wrong.”

He did not know when it started, he never knew when anything started anymore these days, but Sehun had begun looking at him with those cold eyes and emotionless expressions that he used to wear only to the world, but never to him. He did not know when it started, but Sehun had begun to speak less warmly to him, touched him less gently, and loved him less beautifully. He did not know when it started, he thought as tears rolled down him cheeks, when he no longer knew how it felt to be happy. He wanted to cry because he was already accustomed to this all, to this kind of hollow coldness that crushed his heart every single time. He did not like the tense feeling surrounding the both of them, the constant wariness that the other was going to be unfaithful, and that caused so much stress to build inside both of them, that surely they would both soon break.

“We can work this out, Lu Han,” Sehun said while leaning against Lu Han’s head, his embrace tightening painfully around the other, “we can work this out.”

Lu Han’s eyes fluttered closed, “How?”

“I’ll make everything alright again, I’ll do that. Just,” Sehun moved his head to rest on Lu Han’s shoulder, lips touching Lu Han’s skin gently as he spoke, “don’t leave me, Lu Han. Don’t leave me.”

Lu Han said nothing when Sehun tilted him up, spoke no word when Sehun carried him to Sehun’s bedroom, stayed silent when Sehun put him on the bed. Lu Han stared away when Sehun began to touch him, began to whisper desperate pleads in his ears, and began to break apart. Lu Han did not say anything, let it all happen, because the only thing that was echoing in his head continuously, loudly, was the bitter fact that for the first time, Sehun’s bed did not brought him peace, did not brought him comfort.

For the first time, Sehun did not make him happy.

So... Here is the next chapter of this story. I don't really know what to say, actually. I'm not entirely satisfied with this, so I was really close to removing this from the story. I found it a little... Let's say it's a little rsiky writing about cheating, but oh well, here you go. Comme des enfants follows this, so you can go read that if you want. I'll put Comme des enfants here later, needs to change some things (not the content, but just to fit it better in this). Well, hope you did not dislike this too much, and until soon~!

P.S. Yes, I love how Sehun looks like in the right picture on the poster very much :'<