prologue
 

 

 

Yixing's POV

What is love? The simple question always appeared in my head. Love is a magic, I assumed. How a simple word that created by two syllables and four letters become more complicated than any hardest physics formulas, and maybe even Einstein cannot found the true meaning of this word. You cannot explain about it, if you never experienced it.

But a woman, the only one who owns my heart, my life and my soul, taught me the true meaning of love. With her heart, and the love she had, she tells me what love is. The true meaning of love are sincerity and unconditional. It is sounds cliché or maybe gay for some of you out there. But for me, this is the right word to explain it all.

Sincerity and unconditional, it is the way for you—or I suppose, for us to love someone through their flaws and all. Accepting and embracing each other differences, love is to give the one you love with everything you had, everything you can give them without asking the feedback. Being in love is an easy case. Falling in love is the pleasant feeling that wavering your heart, and even feeling these little butterflies dancing inside you whenever your beloved one are beside you, or you simply think about them. You feel heaven; you even feel the heaven is your home.

But to keep the love you have for the beloved one for the rest of your life is the hardest things to do. The love life in reality was not as sweet as these fairy tales your mom used to tell you before you going to bed. You cannot always expect to live happily ever after once you got them as your lover, your husband or wife.

I remember, once I was in China to meet my relatives, I meet with this old man in one of the small garden. We did not talk, nor I started the conversation, but frankly, he ended up telling me about his love story. I spend hours listening to his story and the only sentences of him that I remember is, “Young man, there’s always a storm in the end of the good day. You cannot make life running as what you have dream or you planned. But, do not let the fate ruined everything you want in your life.” I was confused and lost with what he just says. My mind cannot comprehend with each word, until he let out a dry chuckle and finished his sentence, “… Mind and heart, always work separately. They like oil and water, they cannot unite. But with a magic touch called love, nothing is impossible in this world. The mind and heart would make a good teamwork if you use them wisely and bravely.” With that, he patted my shoulders and leaves me alone, going back to the old lady who was waiting for him in another bench—it was his wife.

And when I take a better look to his wife, my eyes bulged when I saw her have no fingers in her right hand; she has physical disability. And finally I get what he meant before. The time he come over to his wife and took her fingerless hand, the old man kissed her hand tenderly, and staring at her as if she is the most beautiful creature in this earth. I can see the sincerity of love from his eyes.

He gave me courage, his love story and all. I was forget about this old man when I was drowning in my works, and my mind filled with the thought of her, the girl I cherished and loved for the rest of my love, Jung Soojung. But after the storm that finally came in our perfect marriage, I remembered –again- about the old man and his wise words.

Speaking of my wife, Jung Soojung, I cannot wait to meet her. I parked my car in our garage and get off of the car as fast as possible. My right hand holds a bouquet of flowers when the other hand hides inside my pants pocket. The part of mine cannot help but feeling anxious and scared about what she did today. It is hurt me every time she did it. It is hurt me whenever she loses her soul—slowly and painfully.

I barely knew her, she is not like the woman whom I married three years ago, she reborn as the new woman; nevertheless, my love never changed. I still loves her, I really do.

I closed my eyes for a brief moments, before finally I take my hand out from the pocket of my pants and placed it right in the door’s knob. My hands were slightly shaking anxiously but my heart wavering in jolt. I have missed her in the whole day, and I cannot wait to meet her, to hold her and kissed her.

I opened the door, finally. Inch by inch her figure appearing from inside. She was beautiful, as always. The sunrise in the sky dancing above her fair skin through the window, makes her looks like a living painting. One thing is missed, her soul.

“Honey…” I called her out ever so softly, as my feet brought me closer to my beloved wife.

She did not look at me, nor hear me. She was busy with what she was doing right now.

I sighed deeply and my eyes scanning the room. The tangled threads scattered on the floor, a lot of pictures placed in the random corner of the room, those surrounded my wife who was sitting on the floor, above the lavender carpet beside the small chair.

“Look, I get something for you before I come home. That’s why I am late,” I placed a bouquet of flowers above her hands, and my eyes studied her expression. Please say something; one word is enough for me.

“It is lovely.” She says after a long paused, “Thank you, Yixing.” Soojung finally stares back at me, with a pair of deep hazel eyes of hers that I always adored. One thing is reflected from her eyes, the emptiness.

“Anything for you,” I answered sincerely; my lips pecked softly her forehead and put the strand of her hair behind her ear.

“…. Soojung, it is enough for today. You need to take a rest now,” I said to her and take the thread and needle from her other hand. Without wait any minute, I placed them in the round box.

“No! I cannot stop, Yixing. I should finish them before the winter! Or… Or our—“

“Soojung, honey please listens to me this time, the winter could wait, and anything could wait but your health. You do not get enough sleep and you barely eat anything. I am worried about you.” I put my hands around her shoulders, and give them a light squeeze as I brought her closer to me, my eyes never leave hers. “I promise to you, you can continue tomorrow. But now, could you do me a favor and have a dinner with me? I’ve missed you. I missed our moments and everything. Can… Can you do it for me?”

There was a silence moment in the room. Soojung was not answering me, neither with a word or a nod. She stares at me blankly as if she was not got what I mean.

“Soojung, please…” I begged, I pleaded in front of my wife as my hands hold her small one ever so gently.

“…. I am not hungry, Yixing.” She shakes her head and released her hands from mine before she made her way to the door, about to walk away.

“Why?! Why you do this to me?! You never talked like that to me before, you never behaving like this but why now?” I exploded. I tired with everything. I cannot bear with this pain anymore.

“… You know why. You know what the reason behind this, Yixing. I ruined everything. Our marriage, our dream, and… the thing we always want. I ruined everything. I was a bad luck for your life. It is not like I changed, but this cruel fate that makes me as one. I—“

“No, the fate was never cruel for us. It is the path that brought us to another level in our lives. Give me another chance to change everything, to bring us to our old life. I want to bring back the smile on your face.” I walked closer to her, as both of us stares at each other. The sadness was there, in our heart and eyes.

“I want to bring back the love you had for me, even though it is only us for the rest of our lives, I regret nothing. I love you for whoever you are.” I brought her petite body in my arms, embraced her with my love as I let her crying in my chest.

“…. I am sorry, I am sorry I cannot be what everyone expected me to be. I cannot give you… I cannot…” Soojung sobbing louder in my chest, as her slender fingers tightly gripped on my shirts.

“I feel useless, Yixing. I feel lifeless. I do not know what to do anymore. I am scared,” I hugged her even tighter and wrapped my arms protectively around her. I silently was crying too. I want to be strong in front of her, but I cannot. I broke down every time she cries in front of me. Every precious drop of her tears added another wound in my heart. If it was not because of my mistake six months ago, maybe all of this never happened. Yes, it is probably because of me. I ruined everything. And now, I want to fixed it.