Everything is dark now.  The sunlight lasts only a couple hours before it begins to fade again.  I don’t know what day it is anymore or what time.  I don’t know if its noon or midnight, not that it matters much anymore. 

I don’t know where we are, if we’re going the right way or if we’re just going around in circles.  We’re still in Tokyo and I’m beginning to think we can never escape.  We’ve been trapped on the outskirts for what I think has been days now.  The mountains seem so close, I can see them when the sun breaks in morning, but it seems like no matter how hard we try to reach them, we can’t get closer to them.  Every day they appear to be the same distance they were before.  We have made absolutely no progress.    

We’re so low on everything; water, food, morale.  We’ve taken to scavenging for whatever we can, pillaging through what once were homes.  When we find streams, we boil the water and bottle it.  There’s practically no food left to find.  Everything is spoiled and gone rotten.  Of course there are still a few canned things and packages of noodles that never go bad, but we’re sick of it.  We took to catching small animals as they had become more abundant once we left the main city.  We became these ravenous carnivores desperate for meat, desperate for some kind of sustenance that would fill us up for more than an hour or two. 

We became animals.  We became the basest kind of human, we returned to instinct, we threw away things like shame and our pride because we were hungry.  And as much as I tried to say to myself Daesung, get a grip, remember you’re a human being, I too started violently ripping feathers from crows because I felt so damn hungry. 

This is maybe the only thing that makes me feel human anymore.  I feel like if I write it down, maybe when I look up from these pages, I’ll see it was all a dream.  That, and I don’t want to forget.  I am so afraid I will forget the past, I’ll forget the person I was and dear god I don’t want to forget that person.  I can’t.  I can’t forget.

Everyone is in pretty bad shape.  Everyone looks like a skeleton, so thin, so pale, just a ghost of the person they used to be.  I know I look the same.  It’s the lack of food and water that have done the most damage, but it’s also the situation.  It’s the constant stress of looking over our shoulders, we can’t sleep more than a few hours, we’re constantly being chased. 

The Ashen, as we’ve officially named them, have doubled.  They’ve been on our tails ever since we left the hospital.  I don’t know how or why, but they’ve gotten smarter, almost like they’re tracking us because we can’t seem to lose them.  We’re barely a step ahead.  I can hear them sometimes, like half a mile behind us making this great shuffling noise that sounds like a million bees buzzing.  It’s only because they shuffle that they haven’t caught up with us yet, but I think it’s inevitable that someday they will catch up and I don’t know what we’ll do when that happens.

I didn’t dare say anything to the others, but…I saw one yesterday as it was getting dark. 

We had decided to take refuge in one of the house and as we were moving our things inside and barricading the place so we could sleep, that’s when I saw her.  She was standing in the middle of the street by herself.  I at first thought she was another survivor but then I realized how ashen her face was.  I just stood there, paralyzed.  She smiled at me.  She smiled.  Next thing I knew she was gone.  I was pretty shaken, I was going to tell the rest of the group, but when I turned to go back inside, Jiyong was in the doorway watching me.

And I don’t know why, but I decided not to mention it to anyone.  It wasn’t that he said anything to me or even made any kind of gesture, but it was the look in Jiyong’s eyes that told me I shouldn’t. Jiyong scares me.  Or maybe I should say the person that looks like Jiyong scares me.

Everything is in disarray.  I don’t know what’s happening anymore.

Reita, Kai, and Youngbae disappeared last night.  All of their things are gone like they just got up and walked out.  On top of that, Uruha is sick.  We wasted the few hours of daylight we had arguing about whether we should leave him or not.  Most of us argued it would be okay, that we kept Jiyong when he was sick and it was alright.  But…Jiyong argued against us. 

And Seunghyun. 

Aoi was so mad, I thought he was going to kill them.  Everyone was mad, Jiyong and Aoi were livid, Ruki and Seungri were in tears.  I was just in shock. 

I don’t know what’s happened to Jiyong and Seunghyun.  Sometimes I see the same look in Seunghyun’s eyes that I see in Jiyong’s.  Every night Seunghyun digs his fingers into the wound on his shoulder and every morning I bandage him up again.  I don’t ask why anymore, I can’t beginning to comprehend his reason for doing so.  All I do know is that the wound isn’t healing and that he’s hurting himself and doesn’t seem to care. 

But then today, with Uruha…I can’t believe that he sided with Jiyong, that he sided against me. 

Everything is crumbling and falling apart around us.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

I wonder if we’re still the same people anymore.  What if we’re all sick?  Is that what’s wrong with Jiyong and Seunghyun?  Why did Youngbae and the others disappear?

It’s gotten so cold.  It’s all I can do to stay warm anymore. 

Seunghyun, what happened to you? 

I saw that woman again.  Am I going mad, too?

We’ve finally started to get close to the mountains.  The forest is just in reach, I can feel it.  I was starting to feel better, hopeful that maybe we’d come across the ones who disappeared, and escape into the forest.  It was just after sunrise.  I was the first one up.

We were barricaded in another house and I went downstairs to get some water and check the perimeter to see if we were still safe.  When I removed one of the boards from the kitchen window, she was there. 

She was standing in the yard just feet away from the window, smiling at me like she had the other night.  I dropped the board and went to scream for someone because I was so startled.  I was terrified, but the moment I started to make a sound, a firm hand was clamped over my mouth.  I fought back against an incredibly strong grip, sure that this was the end for me.  I was going to die.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here.  Don’t scream,” I heard in my ear.

Seunghyun. 

Seunghyun gripping me so tight I thought he would break my bones, blood streaming down his shoulder as usual.  I wanted to ask if he saw the woman, but I already knew the answer.  When I looked back out the window she was gone.

I don’t know who I should be more scared of, that woman or Seunghyun.

We reached the forest.

Uruha is unconscious. 

The daylight lasts about an hour and half now at its peak.

I don’t have time to write much. 

Jiyong is always watching.

Seungri came to me in tears just before morning.  He said Jiyong bit him.  I tried to ask why but he just kept saying he didn’t know.  The wound was on his shoulder and it was pretty bad.  I took care of him best I could, but there wasn’t much I could do. 

I went to ask Jiyong about it because this had gone on long enough.  That was not a love bite he had given Seungri, there was definitely something wrong.  But it was then I realized we were short two people.

Jiyong and Ruki had disappeared in the night. 

I don’t know what’s happening.  I’m not even scared of what may be potentially following us anymore, I’m more scared of what’s in our own camp.  The Ashen I understand.  If they were to come through the trees right now and kill me, I would understand that.  It would make sense.  Jiyong biting Seungri and giving me weird looks is what doesn’t make sense.  I feel like we’re being hunted from within. 

Is that why people have been disappearing?  Why else would they leave?  Youngbae would never just leave us like that and I doubt Kai and the others would, too.  There had to be a reason and the more I felt Jiyong’s eyes on me, the more I felt like he was the reason.  I don’t know what he did, if they’re still alive or not, but I know it was him. 

What scares me now is that somewhere out there in the forest is Jiyong.  And I’m terrified that Seunghyun is going to join him.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t even know why I’m still writing this. 

Everything is so ing cold.  I just want to be warm again.  I want Suenghyun to come back to me. 

I want to put everything back the way it was!  Why did this have to happen!?

I don’t know if I can take it much longer…every time I turn around or look over my shoulder I’m terrified that I’ll see that woman again.  Who is she?  Why is she stalking us?  What did she do to Jiyong and Seunghyun?

What did she do to me?

Uruha and Aoi disappeared today.

It’s only the three of us now, me, Seungri, and Seunghyun.

We’re lost in the forest.  The days last about an hour now. 

I don’t know what will kill us first, hunger, thirst, the cold or those stalking us.

I won’t write anymore.  This is all the paper I had.  It’s too cold to write anymore and I can barely hold the pen anyway.

I’ll do the best I can with what time is left to me.  I’ll cling to life. 

I won’t die without a fight.  That’s the only thing I can be sure of anymore.

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I'm back!!

Since it was so long between updates, this chapter is a different writing style.  Its kind of my bridge between how I used to write and my style now and where I want the story to end up.  Maybe it all sounds like the same style, though, I don't know.  Honestly it was hard to just jump back into like I had never been away, so writing like this was much easier to get back into the mind set.  Plus it covers alot of things I needed to talk about but didn't want to waste writing a bunch of boring stuff to get to. 

The story is super close to the end anyways.  Sorry it has taken me so long to get back in the swing of things.  Life .

Thank you for all your awesome comments!  If it wasn't for the motivation, I wouldn't have continued!  I'm sorry I didn't have time to reply them, but please know they were super appreciated!!  Thank you so much!!

Remember, comments are <3!