It hurts.

I can't seem to ignore this overwhelming anguish that seems to be devouring my entire being. Why is it so hard? How am I supposed to be normal again? Can you see it? This pain that threatens to tear apart everything I've ever known. I'm surprised I've lasted this long to be honest. Why am I even here?

I know it can't be too evident. If it were, you'd ask. You wouldn't ignore someone who was this far gone. Would you? I really don't know. You seem so different. Or is it me who is different? Am I the one who changed? I can't really remember what we used to be like.

Has it finally happened? Have I finally been completely taken over by this dark feeling. Left with nothing more than what could be memories. Are they really memories? Or are they just fabrications I've made in my mind to convince myself there were happier days?

Happier days.

What is it to be happy, really? Doing things that are supposed to be fun? A nice outing? A date? Shopping? Right, shopping was fun. But, shopping was something I did with her. Are you happy with her now? Happy without me?

I'm supposed to be thinking of positive things, but all I can think about is you together with her. Of course, it doesn't help that you're always together. Right in front of me. Both of you shining for the world to see.

Is that why I'm in such darkness now? Were you the sun shining in my life? At times you are still all I can see. Your smiles. Your laughs. Your dorkiness. You post so many selcas.

Is that the only way I can see what you're up to now? Our schedules are so different. Did you arrange for it to be that way. Did you think it would be easier? Truthfully I don't know if it is. Hearing secondhand about what you're doing. Who you're with.

"Jessica?"

Oh, you've noticed me. I look away from my phone simply being used as a prop. It's become habit. Just staring at my phone while I pretend that I don't feel your presence. You don't normally acknowledge me. You normally just continue with your buisiness. I assume you don't want to disturb me. My eyes begin to burn as I realize I've forgotten to blink.

"You're crying."

I am? Is that why you're forcing yourself to make some kind of contact with me? Are you actually worried? I reach up and wipe my eyes. How funny. All I have to do is shed a few tears to get your attention. Should I cry more often? I chuckle at the ridiculous thought. You just give me a confused look. Are you waiting for an answer? You're not just being polite? I don't think I can handle any more pain. This need to have you near me keeps tugging at my heart. Why? Why won't it go away.

"Taeyeon, let's go. I'm hungry."

And just like that you're swept away. Once again I'm left alone to my thoughts. My eyes go back to my blank phone screen. You must be happy with her. When she's around you seem to forget about everything else. Nothing seems to matter. I don't matter. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and let out a small laugh. You didn't even ask if I was alright. Just simply stated fact. Is it because you know the answer? Or is it because you know why I'm crying? I'm not alright. My heart. It hurts. These tears will never stop. I'm always crying. My heart is always weaping. For you.

I am not alright.