"No. I--no. It needs to be your call, your choice, 100%. Besides, why would I want you to go through all this just for me? I'm not a sadist."

Considering he only lied when his mother tried new recipes and asked for his opinion, Youngbae was impressed that he even got words out, much less words that made sense when put together like that.

"Yeah, I know. But you think people just quit cold turkey with no incentive? They need a pillar there to keep them strong. Is that...what you wanted to be for me?"

"Yes! That's exactly what I meant."

He knew he was being too quick to jump on finding a way out and Seunghyun would surely notice, but he wasn't about to unburden his soul at his hyung's expense during what should be a big turning point for him.

Seunghyun, to his credit, didn't pry. He simply 'hmm'ed and went back to duck watching. Bae was aware he knew something was up, even through his stellar poker face; Seunghyun would never normally miss an opportunity to tease Youngbae for mother henning or sounding like a worried girlfriend unless he had an inkling that there was some truth to it.

They sat quietly for what seemed like forever, though it was actually probably five to ten minutes. However long it was, it was adequate time for Youngbae to regret bringing TOP out here and rethink this idiotic plan altogether. Why did he think it would be a good idea to mentor and grow closer to the man he has feelings for is attracted to? Were his motives impure from the get-go? Bae was pretty sure he had Seunghyun's best interests in mind at the start and, even now, he would rather sin by lying than come clean and make his hyung uncomfortable. That had to count for something.

"Do you think it's wrong to lie even if it's for a good reason?"

And, with that query, Youngbae got the eye contact he had been wanting for most of the afternoon. His palms began to sweat and he felt his ears turn red while the rest of his face drained of all color. In his mind, profanities he'd never speak aloud were resonating over and over. He was absolutely certain his secret was out. His hyung would never trust him again if he suspected ulterior motives on a matter this serious. And the tension would be so obvious around the rest of the group that soon everyone would know. He had to leave the band to avoid such a catastrophe. That was his only option.

"Bae? You look like you've seen a ghost? Did you hear me?"

"Y-yeah, hyung. I heard you. Lying is a sin, yes, but if it helps you avoid a bigger sin, it's the lesser of two evils, isn't it?"

"I guess. Anyway, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. Wait, what are you sorry for?"

"For lying."

"But I was the one who lied...?"

"What do you mean? Lied when?"

"When I said I didn't want to be your reason for quitting drinking. I do--hold on, what lie did you tell?"

"Finish what you were saying first. I promise I'll tell you after."

Well, Seunghyun didn't look appalled this far in and he'd probably heard enough to get the gist of what Youngbae planned to say. He took it as a good sign and mustered up all the courage he had remaining to get the rest of his impromptu confession out.

"I want to be reason enough for you to want to fix yourself, okay? I know it's wrong and I know you don't want to hear it but I...find myself very attracted to you, hyung."

TOP looked like he'd just a lemon; his eyes were wide and surprised and he'd both lips into his mouth and appeared to be biting them pretty hard. That expression would have made Youngbae smile on even his worst day but today, fearing it would be the last goofy look he'd see from Seunghyun directed at him, it was completely ineffective. By the time Seunghyun had pulled himself together enough to talk, Youngbae had started to stare down at his folded hands in his lap.

"Wanna hear my lie? It's worse than yours."

Without looking up, Youngbae nodded.

"The whole sobriety thing? I made that up on your doorstep last night. I really was thinking about you. I missed you so bad. But I needed an excuse to spend time with you and it was the best drunk me could come up with on short notice. It was better than what I almost said, trust me."

"So, what, it's a scam? You gonna go back to partying and stuff now?"

"Well, no. I was being honest after the initial lie. Your concern did make me realize things I never had before. I'm all in if you are."

"Sure. If you're sincere, I want to help. And what did you almost say last night? I can't imagine it would've turned out any worse than this has so far."

"I was going to tell you to me as soon as you opened the door."

"I stand corrected. That would've made things worse."

"But you said it yourself, you're attracted to me!"

"Yes. And I'm also not totally on board with pre-marital gay yet."

"I don't think there can be any other kind of gay besides pre-marital since, you know, gay people can't get married."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I get it. How about we just not worry about or feelings or anything until after we get me straightened out? We can just hang out like old times. And I'll deny suggesting it if you ever tell anyone, but maybe we could cuddle more. You're so soft to sleep against."

"I wish I could say the same about you. I mean. Can we pretend I didn't just say that?"

Raucous, deep laughter from much closer than before sounded in Youngbae's ears. TOP had moved so that their thighs were flush against one another and put an arm protectively around the back of the bench, like he was sitting next to a girl on the couch or something. Youngbae would never acknowledge it, but it felt nice not having to be the big, strong man around his hyung.

"This is why I missed you, Bae. Everybody thinks you're a good boy but I know better. You're a sicko like the rest of us!"

"The rest of you? Daesung's pure; don't lump him in with you three heathens."

"When you were in the bathroom earlier, Ji told me all about Daesung's little science experiment last night. Body shots off a few exotic dancers in the VIP room to see if men or women made better canvases. Not such a pure soul now, huh?"

"I'm still claiming coercion on Jiyong and the maknae's part."

"Oh, I'm sure they put him up to it. Still a funny story, though."

"See what you're going to be missing out on if you decide to stay on the straight-and-narrow? You sure you don't want to be the one waking up with the taste of stale liquor and body glitter on your tongue?"

"I think I'll manage. Besides, if we went with them and didn't drink, within a week we'd have years worth of blackmail material."

"Excellent plan. There may be hope for you yet, hyung!"

When TOP moved his arm to scratch his nose, Youngbae forced himself to stand up and not scoot closer until the other man put his hand back. Self-control wasn't a virtue he was ready to completely abandon. Stretching his legs, he offered a hand to Seunghyun to pull him to his feet. Seunghyun offered a -eating grin in return.

"You do realize that I'm not elderly or your wife, right? I can stand up just fine on my own."

"Aish, I was just being nice. Let's go for a walk."

"What?"

"Hyung, a walk is when you put one foot in front of the other, like you're going to the fridge in the middle of the night to sneak snacks, but we're going to try it outdoors for a change."

Youngbae saw it coming, but didn't quite duck low enough to miss the headlock TOP caught him in. Lucky for him, Bae knew all of Seunghyun's weak spots. His two lowest ribs were especially sensitive and Youngbae mercilessly tickled him--first, through his two layers of clothing and then, after that proved futile, against his bare skin. He'd never purposely touched his hyung's bare abdomen for more than a few seconds before and even that had been years earlier. He was pleased to feel the slight stomach muscles that had been recently added as Seunghyun's hold around his neck gave and Bae's hand slipped down and out of his sweatshirt.

"You fight dirty. And what do we need to take a walk for? I'm all talked out if you're hoping for more of my dazzling conversation skills."

"Fine, a walk back to the car then. We have to decide whether or not to tell the other guys."

"About us?"

"What 'us'? You said it yourself, that stuff's on hold. I meant whether or not to tell them you're trying to quit partying. If it doesn't work out, that'll just be three more people you'll have to tell."

"You really have no faith in me, do you?"

"I just don't want you putting more pressure on yourself than you already do."

"Okay, then, we'll just be vague about it. Tell them we're working on new material or something and that's why I'm at the dorm so much."

"That'll work for a couple of weeks or until Jiyong sobers up fully, whichever comes first. He'll demand to see the new material."

"Youngbae, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Can we call it a day now? And run by my apartment for clothes? I look like somebody who would've gotten kicked out of G-Unit five years ago."

Youngbae liked crossing all forseeable mental bridges as far ahead of time as possible, but even he knew he was in unchartered territory here. Going with the flow would have to work for now. If it meant he at least got a few days' time to spend with his hyung with relative privacy granted from the other guys, he would give it a try.

"Deal. And since it's the weekend, bring junk food."

"What makes you think I horde junk food? You felt my abs of steel for yourself."

"..."

"Do you like chocolate or fruity candy better? And what about popcorn? I have three different kinds, I think."