Opening 7/15 (first impressions, title, foreword/description)

To be quite honest, the sheer simplicity of the title does not interest me; however, after reading the story, I found that it tied in quite nicely with the ending. Even so, probably not a title I would personally recommend just because it’s used so very often.

You did a good job of briefly summarizing the exposition, and it was akin to many blurbs for published books. But to me, the use of rhetorical questions weakens the promise of your description by pointing out obvious questions or hints about the story’s plot. The use of rhetorical questions can be debatable, especially just to make a point. In the end, it didn’t pique my curiosity. I would honestly suggest just ending it on a more ominous note such as “Until Taehyung, real and tangible, comes into his life” or “Until Taehyung makes him waver” etc. Good job for the credits in the foreword, but as a suggestion coming from personal preference, hyperlinking the reviews would keep your foreword looking neater and take up less space.

Characterization 12/30 (5.5/12 for Yoongi + 2/4 for Taehyung + .5/4 for Jimin + 4/10 for relationships)

Overall, I liked the way you portrayed your characters. They were real and none too dramatic, and there were some very well-written, raw scenes that allowed for development in the characters (such as Yoongi’s admission to Jimin and Jimin’s pain when he’s alone).

Yoongi

Yoongi definitely got the most exposure in the story, and suitably so. As the main character, he was multidimensional, making him seem human and relatable to the reader. I also liked how you indirectly developed and portrayed your characters to the reader, allowing him or her to infer, rather than just telling them outright. One of my favorite examples:

"You know I don't like it when I can't feel you like that," Yoongi frowned, but there was a playful twinkle in his eyes.

I like this sentence for Yoongi’s characterization because it also shows his yearning for a physical person, rather than an ethereal, insubstantial one, which is a huge driving factor for both the plot and the character relationships. It’s tiny details such as these which allow the reader space to create an image of the character themselves.

Yoongi did have his own confusing moments, especially in his relationship with Taehyung.  His feelings were probably the most complex out of all the characters (and rightly so), and sometimes, I felt that the confusion surrounding the vagueness of Yoongi’s feelings at times threw me off. A lot of times they were jumping from one to another and back again. While this story is about the wavering of his feelings, the abruptness of the changes and the holes in characterization ended up leading to my confusion.

Examples:

"Taehyung-ah, what's wrong?" Yoongi tried to make Taehyung look at him, but the other refused.

Yoongi is so dense here that it’s making me cringe. Did he totally forget that 1. They had and 2. Taehyung has expressed his interest in Yoongi several times? I’m wondering why Yoongi isn’t exactly acknowledging the elephant in the room. Is he trying to live in blissful ignorance while leaving the other in agonizing limbo?

As if in a trance Yoongi submitted to what his body desired.

And somehow we ended up here. This was so sudden that I have no idea how we got from “both Jimin and Yoongi knew that he felt nothing for this man” to Yoongi consciously desiring him and acting upon said desire? Even when Taehyung tells him to stop. Does Yoongi not realize what he’s doing? At this point, don’t they both know already that Yoongi has someone? Is Yoongi really that desperate (because it almost seems kind of rude, considering how Taehyung feels about him)? Because honestly, he still makes love with Jimin which seems pretty physical with how you’re writing it (which is also unclear). The motivation behind Yoongi’s actions, most especially this one, is almost nonexistent, making them hard to take seriously and believe.

Therefore, the scene where Yoongi is disgusted with himself when he remembers Jimin and cries (like almost right after he slept with Taehyung) fails to evoke much sympathy from me.  

But he couldn't bring himself to say it because he knew how the statement differed from how he was actually acting. It was as if he wasn't thankful for what he was given.

At least Yoongi acknowledges it. You have an interesting conflict of self vs. self in Yoongi, but it definitely needs more elaboration on his inner thoughts and an explanation behind the force that compelled him to reach out to Taehyung like that. Was it simply lust? Because again, Jimin was still physically there enough to make love to him and interact with him. So why was Yoongi feeling disgruntled and unsatisfied enough to sleep with Taehyung? Because he couldn’t see Jimin constantly? This is a slightly shallow reason in my opinion – but it’s still a definite, known reason which the story is lacking.

Although the story is originally about Yoongi’s wavering heart, the constant whirlpool of emotions along with some characters’ so-called resolutions made for a confusing mixture. For example, Yoongi already goes through this huge conflict and resolution about his guilt but he kisses/is kissed by Taehyung. Even though he eventually stopped it, I would have thought that with his resolution and determination, he would have seen it coming and stopped it either before it even happened or right at the beginning?

The vagueness surrounding Yoongi’s feelings and actions with unclear reasons/basis perturbed me when it came to Yoongi’s character. While I don’t suggest outright telling the reader about Yoongi’s feelings, I definitely do think that you should find a way to incorporate more of Yoongi’s motivations and reasons into the story indirectly to provide a backing for his actions and emotions.

Side note: Most Koreans don’t say ‘hyung’ and the like if they’re only acquaintances such as Jungkook and Yoongi.

I don’t have a lot to say about both Taehyung and Jimin mostly because you spent so much on Yoongi, that Taehyung and Jimin didn’t get a lot of solo exposure. The bits and pieces I managed to garner about their characters came mostly from their interactions with Yoongi, making them seem more like minor side characters (foil characters) to Yoongi. These following sections are going to sound more like character relationships rather than pure characterization because of that. I don’t know if that was your exact intention, but I think, even for side characters, they could do with a bit more ‘screen-time’ and development since your story only focuses on them three.

Taehyung/Taehyung and Yoongi

One of my favorite things about Taehyung and Yoongi’s relationship was the very beginning – how they bonded over something as simple as a cup of coffee. It’s something believable and relatable. Definitely something refreshing to see since most fics nowadays use plot manipulation and/or some crazy reason to make their characters grow closer together.

With that being said, while Taeyhung and Yoongi’s friendship development in the beginning was interesting and refreshing to read, I had a hard time digesting their progression into an intimate relationship – mostly because of the flow of events (which I’ll talk about later in the plot section).

But the fine details concerning their relationship were a little hazy. For example, did Taehyung know why Yoongi reacted the way he did after they first slept together? It’s a bit unclear on Taehyung’s part why he so easily accepted the fact that they slept together. Does this mean he already has feelings for Yoongi at this point? I was a bit surprised at how calm and everything he was when Yoongi was freaking out. Does Taehyung know that Yoongi already has a lover? The story focused so much on Yoongi that the reader was unable to also understand Taehyung’s point of view in critical scenes such as this one. If you had at least given hints of Taehyung’s feelings through his actions, the relationship from Taehyung’s perspective would have made more sense (like why do they both just ignore the big elephant in the room? Why is Taehyung not saying anything?).

However, it is interesting how Taehyung is heartbroken but still wants Yoongi beside him after his initial rejection. It’s a beautiful parallel with Jimin still wanting to be with Yoongi as well. It’s not that it exactly makes any logical sense, but when someone is in love, they make irrational or painful choices, and I think you showed that well.

Jimin/Jimin and Yoongi

Jimin was the character I was looking forward to the most, so I was disappointed to see him getting so little solo exposure in the story. His character itself lacked any real depth or character. I felt like you only scratched the surface with Jimin (who is a ghost – now that’s a plot mine). If you asked me about my thoughts on Jimin alone, the only thing I would be able to tell you is that he’s Yoongi’s lover, a ghost, and a pretty selfless person. That’s it. Even if he’s just a side character (he’s a pretty important side character, mind you), he definitely needed more ‘screen-time’ throughout the story.

There was almost no deep Yoongi/Jimin action besides them getting having (unlike Yoongi and Taehyung). I didn’t get as deep a feeling as I wanted from their relationship. Their other interactions were seldom besides Yoongi being excited to see Jimin when he gets home from work. I know that Jimin has got some ghostly limitations (which were definitely all over the place), but more emphasis on scenes where Jimin is on earth would show the reader why Jimin is so special. That’s a major reason why, even though I was ‘Team Jimin’, I didn’t feel any personal attachment to the couple (it’s probably just because Taehyung felt more like an interloper and I’m possibly a Yoonmin shipper).

It would’ve been even better to see more scenes showing Yoongi gradually drifting away from Jimin as he grows closer to Taehyung. All this while, it seems like Yoongi is emotionally invested in them equally. In fact, I found myself enjoying Jimin’s solo scenes immensely more than the others. It was surprising to see how Jimin takes the truth of Yoongi’s infidelity all in stride (it’s like he understands how different it is to have an actual physical lover, and he wants Yoongi to have what he can’t give him). I like it.

The lack of spotlight on Yoonmin’s relationship didn’t let the reader see how things were going on the other side of town, so to speak.

And since Yoongi was tempted to stray by Taehyung because of his ability to be on-call and there whenever he needed him, how do we know that he won’t stray again? Jimin will still be a ghost. Even though Yoongi’s made his choice in the end, because of the lack of depth in their relationship, I wasn’t left feeling convinced about his resolution.

In the TaeGi ending, I was also confused by this line:

If that tomorrow happens Yoongi would've already been ready to let go of Jimin and replace him.

So does this mean that if Jimin went back to heaven, Yoongi would be fine/at peace and immediately replace him with Taehyung? (I honestly don’t think ‘replace’ is a good word choice. It sounds a bit ruthless, especially since Jimin was supposedly the love of his life).

Plot/storyline 12/27 (9.5/22 for plot + 2.5/5 for flow)

This story was more characterization-heavy rather than plot-heavy. However, the plot played an essential role in shaping the characters. It started off strong, supporting the characters, but it slowly wound up becoming a tangle of ghost problems, kdrama clichés, and pacing issues.

I liked how Yoongi reacts to Jimin’s return with eager acceptance as if he does not fully grasp what he’s getting into. But from the get-go, Jimin’s limitations as a ghost were vague and unclear. In the beginning, Jimin loosely explains that 1. He’s only able to be seen by Yoongi and 2. He loses his corporeal form whenever he talks too much. So would it be safe to assume that Jimin does have a physical body?  Why does Jimin still act like he is physically there otherwise? Why does Jimin only stay at Yoongi’s home, only going out to visit Taehyung’s house and a café? Why is Jimin only visible to Yoongi’s eyes? Is it because Yoongi’s soul called out to him?

As the story progressed, all these other fine details started being thrown in. Can Jimin make contact with other humans? Or just Suga the dog (who seems to respond fine to him)? Does Jimin only come visit Yoongi on certain days? Why can Jimin go outside with Yoongi to certain places but not to others (for example: his workplace)? Does he need time to regenerate or something?

There was a dearth of Jimin-action throughout the story, which (as I stated earlier) impeded the development of Yoongi and Jimin’s relationship. Even though he’s technically dead and can only visit Earth sometimes (at least, that’s how you make it seem), the reader is unable to process his reaction to Yoongi’s wavering except for that one tiny scene (which is more like a couple of sentences). Can he not see Yoongi from heaven?

The whole problem with the confusion surrounding Jimin’s ghostly nature is because it fails to provide the reader with a reason or idea of why Taehyung, physical and alive, is as attractive as he is to Yoongi. If Jimin has a physical body only for Yoongi’s eyes, why is Yoongi disgruntled with what he has? The reader is unable to tell how Jimin’s ethereal nature impacts Yoongi and Jimin’s relationship.

The reason that this section has a copious amount of question marks is because there is just that much perplexity concerning Jimin as a ghost. Having a ghost as a character (and Yoongi’s lover) has great potential, but that potential will come to naught if limitations or “rules” of ghost-hood aren’t defined clearly – it’ll only cause undue confusion.

Side note: It’s interesting how Jungkook can see Jimin. So does that mean that people with similar experiences are able to see other people’s ghostly loved ones? (But also, he was a worker, so why on earth would he have time to just sit there and stare at Yoongi and Jimin?)

While the plot is not entirely original – nor do I expect it to be, given what you’re writing about – I noticed that the plot fell back on several overused kdrama clichés such as the sick-and-suddenly-fainting-from-exhaustion card and the awkward-reaching-for-something-and-in-each-other’s-faces card. Those moments made the scenes dull with little surprise.

Nana’s appearance was also completely unnecessary and out-of-the-blue. I don’t see how she had any correlation to the plot. She literally just popped out from nowhere. I wasn’t sure if you were trying to go for a “cameo”, but it was so sudden that in the end, her role seemed slightly ridiculous.

Jungkook’s explanation itself at the end of the story was pretty vague, and I didn’t pick up anything much from it. Although it’s good that you told us later what really went down, it would’ve been better if you had made that clear through Jungkook’s explanation itself rather than some later recap/recollection of Yoongi.

It’s nice how you have an alternate ending for your readers, giving the Yoontae shippers a chance; however, I personally feel that the story’s ending would have been more impactful if you had been resolute, chose an ending, and stuck with it all the way. It lets the reader think more deeply about the story. Why did Yoongi end up with him in the end? It allows for more reflection on the story and on Yoongi’s relationships with the other main characters. A firm ending like that definitely has more impact on me instead of a wishy-washy ending where I can choose whichever ending I want just to make myself happy. Maybe that’s just me, but I definitely feel that a plot controlled by the author instead of me, the reader, leaves room for a deeper meaning behind the character relationships – why Yoongi ended up with him and not him.

I personally wasn’t for Taegi ending because while their friendship was portrayed well and naturally, their relationship seemed more rushed and forced, what with the sudden reversal of feelings and Yoongi’s confession. Somehow it feels like the original ending was supposed to be Yoonmin but you decided to just throw this in there to satisfy everybody? I’m not sure if that was actual intention, but it definitely came off that way to me.

And so this brings into question Jimin’s role. He was pretty much there for Yoongi until Yoongi was ready to move on. It makes me wonder if Jimin was ever actually there to begin with or if it was just Yoongi’s imagination (haha, that’s just me over-analyzing, but I think it’s an interesting question). Either way, it was a nice concept of having your lover return to help ease you into moving on (but how does Jimin feel about this?). It’s natural for hearts to eventually move on. They won’t be grounded there forever. I would honestly think that one’s heart would stay grounded longer if one’s lover stayed with him or her, but I guess not in Yoongi’s case.

What I really digged though was that nice contrast between the tomorrow in the Yoonmin ending and the yesterday in the Taegi ending. Like that was pretty genius.

But the “Jimin was his yesterday now” abrupt ending also sounded a bit harsh like Yoongi totally blew him out of the water now that he’s with Taehyung. Although Jimin did leave when Yoongi moved on, I think it would be good to clarify that Yoongi would never forget Jimin or something like that to temper the ending sentence from sounding too harsh.

Something I loved was the average length of the chapters. You still packed a punch without making anything seem too rushed (albeit, some parts were still rushed), and it was an easy read for me. Enough that I decided to read until the very end even though I was so busy at the time.

The biggest pacing problem came with Yoongi and Taehyung’s relationship – something I’m pretty sure I already mentioned. I liked how their friendship started, but I’m left wondering when they ended up becoming so close enough to visit each other’s houses and workplaces so often and casually? Usually people like to keep their friendships from work in the office (separation of work and personal life), so when did Yoongi and Taehyung cross that line? From –sshi to –ah? Even some couples in Korea still call each other by –sshi. That shift to –ah is a pretty big deal. These sudden jumps as Taegi transitioned from friendship to attraction resulted in a relationship with a pretty shaky foundation.

Grammar 9/15

You had pretty decent grammar overall, but make sure you proofread to catch any typos and careless grammar mistakes. I noticed some verb-tense changes, run-ons, unnecessary commas, lack of necessary commas, use of commas instead of semi-colons, incorrect quotation punctuation, etc.

Examples:

It was when he parked the car in Taehyung’s yard did Jimin really got worried.

It was when he parked the car in Taehyung’s yard that Jimin really became worried.

This is overall, an awkwardly phrased sentence.

With the tiredness Taehyung had been showing Yoongi should have been prepared.

With the fatigue Taehyung had been showing, Yoongi should have been prepared.

You need to separate long phrases from the main clause with a comma.

“Have a seat Yoongi-hyung,” Taehyung invited, “I’ll wake Baekhyun and Suga.”

“Have a seat Yoongi hyung,” Taehyung invited. “I’ll wake Baehyun and Suga.”

Make sure you’re not having any quotation mark run-ons. Otherwise, you would pretty much be saying, “Have a seat Yoongi hyung, I’ll wake Baekhyun and Suga.” That is a comma splice since those are two independent clauses. I suggest going over quotation punctuation rules again if you’re feeling rusty.

Baehyun and Suga had finished their food and had ran upstairs even before he and Taehyung finished.

Baekhyun and Suga had finished their food and had run upstairs even before he and Taehyung had finished.

Despite his betrayal his lover still seeked him.

Despite his betrayal, his lover still sought him.

Incorrect verb usage.

The dark circles became more and more evident under Taehyung’s eyes with each day that passed, Yoongi couldn’t help but voice his worry.

The dark circles under Taehyung’s eyes had become more and more evident with each day that passed that Yoongi couldn’t help but voice his worry.

The first part was a misplaced modifier, and the second part needed a “that” just for more clarity in the sentence since the latter part of the sentence is a result clause. Otherwise, it just looks like a comma splice.
 

I didn’t really go into detail for this section because I feel that you had most of your grammar rules down. They just need a bit of brushing up, especially concerning your use of commas.

Writing style 9/20

You kept your diction and syntax pretty simple and straight to the point. While this style can have its advantages (such as easy reading), it also lacks more detailed descriptions and imagery to help paint the story in the reader’s mind. You did incorporate some more elaborate imagery into your writing, but it was seldom. More often, the details seemed more factual and clear-cut, focusing more on the actions, rather than character thoughts, setting, etc. which can make it seem bland at times. There was a good sentence variety throughout though.

I did notice a lot of awkward phrasing and odd word choice, so just be careful when you are describing something. Make sure it makes sense first of all.

Examples:

Yoongi closed his eyes, feeling a trail of warm water falling from the side of his eye and staining his pillowcase.

To me, this was just an odd way to describe tears. While it’s always good to strive for variety in vocabulary and descriptions, make sure they don’t sound out of place either.

Yoongi closed his eyes, feeling teardrops trail from the corner of his eye and onto his dampening pillowcase.

This is just my suggestion, and while it does sound slightly awkward since I tried to preserve the original sentence as much as possible (for the sake of the example), it’s something easy to picture and eliminates the description of “warm water”.

Disturbed by the hotness of the other's body, he rushed to the bathroom to wet a towel with cold water to cool the other down.

Honestly, I’m not sure which ‘hotness’ you’re talking about. If temperature-wise (most likely, given the situation), I would suggest the word ‘heat’. The word ‘hotness’ has too many connotations to it.

Surely this time, he pressed his lips fully onto Yoongi's, allowing it to rest there, before finally pulling back and turning away from him.

I would suggest the word ‘more confidently’ this time to make it easier to understand because ‘surely’ could be read two ways.

Since he knew Taehyung, so many first times were introduced into his life. This time, it was waking up in someone else's bed. They were not literally his firsts, but they happened since so long that everything felt new.

This can sound contradictory. I get what you’re trying to say, but instead of ‘new’ which can be confusing, maybe use words such as: fresh, exciting, unfamiliar, awakening, eye-opening. Or more simply:

“But they had last happened so long ago that he had forgotten what they felt like.”

‘New’ could work, but when you pair that up with ‘first times’, then it gets confusing.

It only added to the list when Yoongi went downstairs to where sounds came from; when he saw Taehyung preparing breakfast for three.

This is just awkward phrasing I suggest that you rephrase since I’m not exactly sure what you were trying to say in the beginning.

Yoongi only responded with a groan, burrying his face into his lover's chest and inhaling his lover's scent. Jimin ran his fingers in Yoongi's hair lovingly, and Yoongi opened his eyes, smiling at his lover.

All the variations of “love” in this sentence can get repetitive, so I suggest using synonyms.

Yoongi only responded with a groan, burying his face into Jimin’s chest and inhaling his scent. Jimin ran his fingers in Yoongi’s hair tenderly, and Yoongi opened his eyes, smiling at his lover.

"Ahh, yeah, my mom used to work at a coffee house so she taught me it," he cleared.

“Cleared his throat” would be the correct phrase.

However, Yoongi learnt that it was Taehyung's company that he'd been revolving in;

This is just awkward wording, and I honestly don’t know what you’re trying to say.

Overall enjoyment 4/8

I have to say that while there was definitely room for improvement, it was good enough to keep me reading until the very end even though I am quite busy right now. I also attribute this to the short, easy-to-read chapters which made for an enjoyable reading experience.
Thank you for being so patiently, and sorry for the long wait. Hopefully this review will come in handy.

Total 53/115 = 46%