If I Lose You
Author: wonjana
Reviewer: aeterniti

Opening 4/15 (1/3 first impressions + 2/7 title + 1/5 foreword/description)
Your title doesn’t strike me as anything truly outstanding; it’s the typical romance story title. “If I Lose You” has a generic feel to it that doesn’t make it stick out from all the other stories out there (there was a definite Gayle Forman feel in my opinion). I can definitely see the correlation between certain parts of your story and title; however, I don’t find it entirely appropriate for your story as a whole which also hides a darker (“horror”) vibe to it. It especially does no justice to your story description which takes on a more sinister feel with mentions of Baekhyun possibly killing people. Your current title only fits one certain aspect of your story, and I feel that it doesn’t accurately represent your story for what it truly is. But good job on the neat capitalization.

First off, I’ll say that I was disappointed that your story didn’t live up to my first impressions and expectations that came from your foreword and description. Your foreword and description were so Baekhyun-focused that I was surprised at the lack of the Baekhyun-Sehun relationship in your story. Though you have your story marked as Hunhan, it’s misleading. The foreword and description only had one or two mentions of Luhan. I was interested in seeing how you would play Baekhyun as a vengeful ghost and was let down when Baekhyun pretty much just showed up to kill some people here and there in the story. Even your trailer pretty much focuses on the Baekhyun-Sehun dynamic.

I was also a bit dubious when I saw your mix of tags: angst, fluff, and horror.  After reading your story, I don’t really think the ‘fluff’ tag fits. Sure, you have some cute, fluffy scenes in your story, but it’s not enough to put your story in the ‘fluff’ genre. Fluff and horror don’t exactly mix, and while I’m not saying that a fluff-horror story hybrid is impossible, I suggest that it would be wiser to choose one of the two and focus on that more. To me, it’s either angst-fluff or angst-horror. Otherwise you end up with a not-so-horror horror story that comes off as weak for people who actually want to read horror.

Secondly, the prologue in your foreword seemed a bit unnecessary since you pretty much paraphrased it in the beginning of Chapter One. You should either make a separate chapter for your prologue instead or combine the prologue with the beginning of the first chapter instead of cluttering up your foreword since you have a “sneak peek” (which is also Baekhyun-Sehun focused) right after since it seems a bit redundant.

Also, your warnings definitely threw me off. I honestly do not think that a warning for drama is necessary. If your story contains angst, it will contain drama. The whole age warning didn’t seem accurate to me either. What might throw people off more (definitely me) was the age manipulation where you made Baekhyun younger than Sehun, not the fact that you made them high-school students (I would just call that highschool!AU which isn’t really something we need to be warned about). “Creepy Baek” warning also seemed redundant because from your foreword, description, and trailer, we already know that Baekhyun is a ghost killing people. The warning that I think you actually really need is (or even slight ). The way you wrote off Baekhyun’s relationship to Sehun in the story definitely did not come off as a regular, healthy brother relationship. Baekhyun has an unhealthy obsession over Sehun which almost screams ‘’ to the reader. That is something that might actually disturb readers, so I suggest that you go back over your warnings and think carefully.

Characterization 10/30 (2/6 for Sehun + 1/6 for Luhan +3/6 for Baekhyun + 4/12 for relationships)

Sehun

As one of your main characters, Sehun didn’t impress me. At times, his behavior was inconsistent and confusing. Sure, he’s grieving for his brother, but he seemed more cold and aloof rather than withdrawn and saddened. His words and thoughts didn’t entirely match up to his actions throughout the story, and I wasn’t sure what to make of him.  Sometimes his words seemed arrogant (and I quote “It was a shame that probably one of the girls who were stalking him earlier was the one to catch him offguard”), sometimes he seemed shy, and sometimes he seemed hostile. Sometimes, he seems closed off from everyone (a man of few words) and then he’s open (as in spilling his heart and feelings out after the retreat).

Another thing was his despondence after Baekhyun’s death – “as if his life ended right at the moment Baekhyun’s life ended”. That’s understandable, but what isn’t is how he just suddenly had this 180 degree change and new perspective on life (“Or maybe he just wanted to try not isolating himself from people anymore”). Dynamic moments like these are always good because it shows development in your character; however, such changes that are too sudden or out of the blue detract from the believability of your character development.

Side note: I also wasn’t surprised or amused by the fact that he has all these girls fawning over him (and I quote “the ones with ‘hearts’ eyes”) and stalking him or by the fact that the most popular girl in school wants to seduce him. However, if he was that handsome enough to gather such a (shallow) following right away, it’s hard to believe that everyone (except Luhan of course, for plot’s sake) turned their backs on him right after Eunjoo’s death.

Also questioning how strange it is that Sehun so readily accepts that 1. Baekhyun the ghost exists 2. Baekhyun the ghost is killing people 3. Baekhyun the ghost is killing people because of him and 4. The fact that he can actually see ghosts without thinking he’s the least bit insane? Honestly, if he “hallucinated” so many times, seeing Luhan’s blonde hair and being reminded of his brother, I would think that he would also easily write off these “sightings” as a trick of the mind as well.

Sehun was a dynamic character, but the changes in his character were too sudden to be believable or relatable.

Luhan

I have many thoughts about Luhan himself as a character, but none of them contain any of the depth that I was looking for in a main character.

Luhan is super perky, loved, and popular, but no one wants to join his club? I was a bit surprised; I’d think that loyal fan girls or even enough friends would be able to keep the club going. Is he really popular or not? And personally, I don’t understand why you bothered to portray Luhan as someone popular and loved by everyone. It didn’t affect your story in any way to me nor did it substantially impact his character and development. It didn’t stick out to me, and frankly, it just made him seem even more like the stereotypical Mr. Perfect.

The whole Luhan and Eunjoo thing seemed completely unnecessary to me and didn’t contribute to the actual plot whatsoever, in my opinion. Sure, it might tell me that Eunjoo was a nice girl; however, you didn’t delve into it too much for me to actually feel any pity for her (especially since she also lied about a sensitive subject and tried to seduce someone for the purpose of a bet?). Luhan’s character and development honestly did not gain anything from this.

I also felt like Luhan’s sickness was just a random factor you threw in there for extra dramatization. I’m not sure whether you plan on developing more on it later on but right now, it’s extra weight that isn’t adding anything to his character, other than making Sehun panic over Luhan’s health and withdrawal from school (but that’s more plot-oriented).

Luhan rarely had any dynamic moments or serious developments in his character except for that one incident where he faces Baekhyun and the desperation in his heart. However, the dramatic shift in his character all of a sudden made little sense, and the scene itself made little impact on his character.

Baekhyun

Baekhyun may be the younger twin, but he was portrayed as such a childish/child-like character before death that it threw me off. He and Sehun are the same age, separated by probably only minutes. Sometimes I forget as I read, and the way you portrayed him made me imagine him as a six year old.

After death, though, Baekhyun was such an interesting character, and I was disappointed that you didn’t delve into his character development as deeply as you could have or really even focused on his character. He also had some conflicting moments where he’s innocently child-like or kind or horrific or desperate or “pure evil”. While his character and backstory calls for complexity, these clashing characteristics confused me about his motives. Does he truly not understand the gravity behind his actions or is he faking it? Is he truly driven by malicious intent or rather by desperation and longing for his brother?

Baekhyun also showed some inner conflict about why Sehun never treated him the same way as he treats Luhan. This posed a great potential inner conflict and source of development for his character, but you briefly touched on it in a couple of sentences or so. (Even though it’s obviously because they were related, Baekhyun doesn’t understand or realize that, which is something you can definitely elaborate on.)

From what I see so far, Baekhyun is super disillusioned (“Baekhyun never saw this coming” about Hunhan). You should take advantage of this disillusionment for his character development. So far, you haven’t made his character and his motivations clear. For example, Baekhyun obviously knows that Sehun’s his brother so is he trying to hide himself in ignorance or is he truly okay with this all uous attraction?

Also, on your author’s note at the end of a chapter, I read this interesting tidbit: “although Baekhyun is kind of creepy and yet still convinces himself that he is alive and doesn’t want to die”.

Again, a good potential inner conflict, but I had no idea about this. Nothing in the story pointed to this conclusion but rather to the conflict of “Sehun is mine and mine alone”.

You set up a great character with good and interesting potential, and I would advise you to maybe stop focusing so much on Sehun and Luhan and pay more attention to Baekhyun’s character. There are so many different, complex ways to portray him, and his motivations and thoughts provide a great boost to your plot. Right now, he only seems like a character in the background, popping up only to move along the plot with another murder, when really, he could be so much more.

Sides (Kai)

I was honestly looking forward to the whole Kai-Luhan friendship dynamic you had going on, but now that Kai is being thrown into some love tangle, everything is a whole lot messier. If you plan on using this card, make sure that you play it all the way instead of merely dabbling a little into it just for a little “extra” drama. With that in mind, Kai’s attitude for Luhan’s welcome back party doesn’t make sense. As his best friend (and possible admirer), I’m pretty sure he would’ve put more effort into it instead of griping about blowing balloons. Kai also holds some resentment towards Sehun (and I quote: “his most hated person in class”), so the moment where he suddenly pours out everything to Sehun in one of the recent chapters caught me off guard. While, as a side character, Kai’s character development isn’t such a big deal, his actions must still make sense and have reasons behind them.

Sehun-Luhan

I had a hard time digesting the whole Sehun-Luhan relationship because of the fast flow of events. It didn’t help the believability and ultimately, the “couple moments” left little impact on me.

While we did have plenty of character interactions between the two, I feel like we pretty much jumped from ‘Sehun-avoiding-Luhan’ to ‘Sehun-and-Luhan-in-love’. In the beginning, Sehun is both mesmerized yet agonized by Luhan’s blonde hair that is so reminiscent of Baekhyun. He even wanted to leave because of how much Luhan resembled his younger brother. This overreaction shows us just how much of a gap there is between the two. And then we go to them piggy-backing and thinking constantly about each other. While there was a transition between these two phases, I don’t think that it was adequate enough to encompass the large gap and trauma Sehun experienced after his brother’s death. I think what was missing was the whole gradual shift of Sehun imagining Luhan as his brother to Sehun seeing Luhan for himself.

While I don’t expect a day-by-day account of the relationship development, I think that a simple paragraph or so summarizing the past few months of how the two grew closer would definitely help. You didn’t show the reader these little details, instead jumping from major plot point to major plot point. Therefore, it’s hard to understand where Luhan is coming from as he suddenly finds all these good qualities in Sehun (which I frankly did not really see myself). Show the reader what Luhan sees in Sehun, enough for him to choose Sehun over his own established best friend aside from the mere goodness of his heart.

I felt like the one thorough, well done interaction between the two was in the rain. It gave us a look into both characters a little more than usual, but I also don’t see this event as the sole reason or motivation for Luhan to be so attached to Sehun at this point.

I’m questioning Sehun’s dependence on Luhan for everything (when Luhan is sick). I’m not sure that’s entirely healthy, and rather, developing him as a character that can stand on his own two feet with Luhan’s help seems a whole less dramatic and more relatable. And so, does this mean they’re mutually in love and aware of it? Are they dating? I’m not exactly sure how I should feel about these two now.

I did like how Sehun eventually replaced Baekhyun with Luhan as his “angel’ without even realizing it. That was a nice touch.
 

Sehun-Baekhyun

This was probably the character relationship I was looking forward to the most, and it was a bit disheartening to see no real in-depth Sehun and dead Baekhyun dynamic. There’s a clearer picture of Sehun and living Baekhyun, but even then, sometimes Sehun’s actions and his relationship with Baekhyun crossed the line of regular brotherhood. I’m not sure whether you’re really trying to go into that direction or not, and I think you should define that more clearly.

But that aside, I think the reader definitely needs a better understanding of how Sehun feels about his twin now. We obviously know that Sehun is horrified with this change in Baekhyun but that’s it. He hasn’t really given it any deeper thought than that. It’s a good potential for inner conflict in the story as Sehun struggles to understand the motives behind his brother’s actions.

And does Sehun actually want Baekhyun to kill people? He asked himself why didn’t Baekhyun kill the people abusing him after school and I was like whoa there, he already reconciled himself with the fact that Baekhyun is a murderer? Or how easily he tells Luhan that his twin might kill him (and pretty much, admitting that his brother became a murderer)? Moments like these confuse me because they contradicted with Sehun’s original reaction and feelings.

Luhan-Baekhyun

Luhan and Baekhyun’s seemed quite simple at first. We know that Baekhyun holds a ton of resentment against Luhan becoming closer to his brother, and thus tries to torment him with stomach pains and extreme heart palpitations (ouch). That is, until the line “but it sounded like the person was desperately imploring him to do it for him”. Maybe it’s the wordiness of the sentence that is off-putting, but that aside, it’s still confusing. Up until now, we have a feeling that Baekhyun really wants to kill Luhan. So why hasn’t he yet? Does he not have a convincing enough reason to do so? What’s holding him back? (I honestly would have thought that Baekhyun would go for another bloody, showy murder instead of jumping off a cliff). That one sentence (note: ‘desperately’ and ‘imploring’) shows the complexity of Baekhyun’s feelings towards Luhan, and it definitely needs more than one measly sentence to do it justice.

The reader is definitely left hanging with this new development in Luhan and Sehun’s relationship and how Baekhyun will act towards Luhan now. Hopefully, you give it the worth that it’s due. Don’t skimp on it; this is good, meaty stuff for your plot and characters.

Also, how in the world did Luhan immediately come to the conclusion that Baekhyun was a ghost killing people? This isn’t a simple conclusion people usually come to. Even if he could see Baekhyun, the first thought would be hallucinations or a serial killer. I’m surprised Luhan doesn’t think he’s insane?

Baekhyun-Hani

Baekhyun and Hani’s relationship seems a bit more random and unnecessary to me, and I’m not exactly sure how you intended for this to influence either character (aside from Hani hating him) or the plot because it ended as quickly as it began.

Plot/storyline 10/27 (9/22 for plot + 1/5 for flow)
I definitely touched on a lot of the plot issues during the characterization section (pacing) and honestly, most of them stemmed from the fast pacing of the plot, which also led to plot convenience. A lot of times, I felt that Baekhyun’s sole purpose aside from antagonist was to randomly show up and murder people just to move the plot along. He’s just that figure in the background killing and horrifying people.

Eunjoo’s ‘suicide’ seemed unrealistic, and it made me uncomfortable seeing a sensitive subject such as suicide was portrayed. Honestly, if people saw her standing there for quite a while, did seriously no one even bother to call the police or even a teacher? They all just stared at her? No one tried to help or fetch help? What bothers me even more is how the students act after her death. I don’t even know how they came to the consensus that it was Sehun’s fault just because they were texting the day before (sounds a lot like plot convenience especially since if she was as popular as you claimed, I’m pretty sure she texted a ton of people). One unsent text to a certain person doesn’t make that person the reason of everything (my goodness, maybe she wanted to ask him a question about pizza). Especially since no one even bothered to help her. All they did was gawk at her dead body later. These kids blame Sehun for some God-knows-what reason, when they were silent bystanders, and thus accomplices.

The shallowness of this scene made it hard for me to digest.

I also noticed the plot manipulation concerning Baekhyun’s character. There are no clear rules of ‘ghosthood’, but still, there’s no consistency when it comes to Baekhyun’s ghost. Why is he physically apparent to some people but not all people? Why can he physically hurt/kill some people (like Luhan’s tummy aches) but only mentally torment/provoke others? Is he supernatural or not? What are his boundaries and limitations as a ghost? That’s like the best of both worlds, and it’s totally unfair.

And why is Baekhyun so quick to kill Eunjoo but not Luhan? If he really loved his brother, I would think that Luhan would be number one on his “To Kill” list. Baekhyun’s priorities are totally messed up (and it smells like plot convenience to me). Like seriously, there was no reason for Baekhyun to kill Muyoung after he reconciled with Sehun? But Baekhyun randomly murders him anyways instead of Luhan? I would at least expect attack after attack on Luhan over some poor random schmuck.

There was also that random class retreat that was a poor excuse for ‘punishment’. Realistically speaking, a disciplinary committee is much more likely. A class retreat is an overreaction and something very unlikely to happen. It makes the plot seem forced. In fact, just a school camping trip sounds more reasonable than a class retreat punishment. Not to mention that the retreat had major plot convenience where everyone conveniently made up with each other at the end. The retreat sweeps all other conflicts off the table in one clean swoop. Is that usually likely to happen? Not really. And why did no one else wake up during the night when they heard the scream at night (especially since it turned out to be an actual scream)? Only Sehun heard it?

I saw some inner conflict in Luhan when he was facing the cliff, but it was hard to really feel the suspense from the conflict because it was resolved so quickly when he decided to fight back and Sehun miraculously comes to save him.  And while I’m glad you didn’t milk the kdrama cliché of noble-idiot-leaving-for-the-greater-good, you zoomed through it so fast (it felt like a total of three minutes) that the story would’ve been better off without it.

Using the ‘death’ card didn’t come as a surprise to me, but it’s unclear as to whether Luhan passed out from fear or he really died. I honestly don’t think that it’s plausible that he actually died because Sehun obviously brought him back to life. But later you write that “It was almost as if he was dead, which was literally true until Sehun miraculously brought him back to life”. I don’t think Luhan really died. A cardiac arrest (where your heart stops temporarily) is more likely than passing it off as a miracle, which seems highly unlikely because Sehun doesn’t seem that experienced with CPR anyways? (Side note: CPR performed erroneously can actually harm the injured person and reading how Sehun performed CPR on Luhan slightly worried me. It’s not a huge deal and probably matters very little to many people, but as an avid science student, it was hard for me to believe this scene altogether.)

Overall, your plot seemed quite promising with the whole ghost aspect, but it ended up sitting in your story awkwardly with all the fluff and romance you had going on. The horror aspect just ended up as an infinitesimally small slice of the plot. The fast and irregular pacing of the story (simply jumping from major plot point to plot point) led to a lot of holes and flaws in reasoning, so be careful as you continue on with the story. Make sure that everything is meeting up and making sense instead of directly resorting to plot convenience.

Seeing that you only have six chapters left leaves me feeling apprehensive about how you’re going to tie everything in neatly since you have a lot going on with Baekhyun. On the other hand, it also shows that you somewhat planned out your story which isn’t something I see usually, so kudos.

Grammar 7/15
I’m not sure whether English is your first language or not, because while you seem to have a good grasp on English, there were also a lot of moments that were awkwardly phrased with word choices that didn’t exactly fit. I highly suggest getting a beta or even just a friend to also look over the mechanics at least. A lot of these issues have to do with the finer tunings of the English language, but it’s always good to check your grammar as well. These are just some of the areas I noticed you had more trouble with.

Awkward wording

“When the young latter is slumbered in his dreamland.”

Edit: “When Baekhyun slumbered.” or “When Baekhyun drifted into dreamland.” uses efficiency of words and eliminates unnecessary wordiness and repetition. ‘Young latter’ sounds awkward and isn’t commonly used in writing. ‘Slumbered’ is also used actively instead of passively.

“…especially because he keeps seeing the only blonde hair in class at the first seat.”

Edit: “…especially because he could only see/focus on the boy with blonde hair in the front of the class.”

While the edited sentence is longer, it adds more substance to the ‘blonde hair’ by actually associating with a person/head.

“In the train”

Edit: “On the train”

This is just conventional, standard English.

“…Professing he had forgotten it all.”

Edit: “Confessing that he had forgotten about it.”

‘Professing’ isn’t a common word choice in this context because while ‘professing’ technically means saying/telling, it isn’t associated with regular conversation. Just for clarification, trusty old Google says this:

1.     claim openly but often falsely that one has

2.     affirm one's faith in or allegiance to (a religion or set of beliefs)

Verb tense problems

There were a myriad of this type of problem throughout the story, especially since you switched between past and present tense.

“Eunjoo asked, only to be ignored by the tall boy who attempted on leaving. Eunjoo, however, doesn't give up.”

Edit: “Eunjoo asked, only to be ignored by Sehun who attempted to leave. Eunjoo, however, didn’t give up.”

For the most part, your story is in past tense, so I changed ‘doesn’t’ to its past tense form.

Quotation punctuation errors

“Don’t take it too personally, Luhan.” He persuaded.

Edit: “Don’t take it too personally, Luhan,” he persuaded himself.

Punctuation when it comes to quotations is definitely tricky, so again, I suggest getting a beta reader or reading up more about quotation punctuation here (the internet is a handy resource).

Writing style 9/20
One of the biggest things about your writing style that deterred me was your Point-of-Views. The sudden switches of the POV and the POV manipulation/interference made your style seem bland and almost informational to me.

For example, “Actually Hani had been mute.”

That one word ‘actually’ makes the sentence seem more like an info-book than a work of fiction as if you, the writer and narrator, are talking to us directly. Instead of spelling it out to the reader yourself, let your characters and their actions talk for themselves. Use descriptions (details, details, details) and make the readers read between the lines.

Another example: “Kai noticed the different kind of pale in the latter’s face, it was almost as if he was dead, which was literally true until Sehun miraculously brought him back to life.”

Choose what type of POV you’re going for, and make sure you stick to it. It’s one thing to write as an omniscient narrator and explain events through different characters’ eyes and viewpoints. However, it’s another thing if you write through Kai’s perspective when he sees Luhan and Sehun emerge and then as the narrator, throw in some details that Kai doesn’t even know about at this point. Now, it just sounds like you’re talking/re-telling events to us. It doesn’t help that we the readers already know these things, and your reminders as narrator only awkwardly interrupt the flow of your writing.

Even before this sentence, You switched from Kai to Sehun (“To Sehun’s dismay, he felt his calf muscles cramp severely…”) and then right after that one random sentence from Sehun’s POV, switch back to Kai’s POV. While I’m not a huge fan of constantly switching POVs, it’s fine if it’s done in sections. Random, short switches like these will only throw the reader off.

“It might have worked because Sehun decided to stay and listen.

And he could see the two. He was watching guard. He never left.”

This sudden switch into Baekhyun’s POV sounded forced and awkward, again interrupting the flow of your writing. It could easily be remedied by something along the lines of “Little did Sehun know someone was watching him from afar.” Even though we already know it’s Baekhyun, this way, it keeps the writinng vague and suspenseful when it should be, rather than pushing it in the reader’s face with italics.

Your diction mostly contained simple, everyday language and basic vocabulary. This made it very direct and easy to read; however, it also felt very bare with a scarcity of details and vivid descriptions.  There were moments when you would suddenly throw in a fancy word that jarred with the straightforward style you had and made it seem very out of place (words such as “feeling overwrought” and “professing”). The downside to using basic vocabulary is that it can lead to wordy and awkward sentences when you’re trying to describe something accurately.

For example, “Kai noticed the different kind of pale in the latter’s face, it was almost as if he was dead…”

This sentence itself is a comma splice, but that aside, it contains more words than necessary.

Edit: “Kai noticed the deathly pallor on Luhan’s face…”

From this, we know because of the word ‘pallor’ that it’s an unnatural, unhealthy paleness, and the adjective ‘deathly’ easily replaces all of ‘it was almost as if he was dead’ with one word.

Be creative with your word choices. It can eliminate a lot of unnecessary words and adds more conciseness and meaning to your writing.

I also noticed the slew of vague and repetitive phrases used to describe the characters such as: “tall man”, “the latter”, “smaller boy”, etc. The overuse of these phrases (especially used consecutively) defeated the purpose of adding variety. In fact, it sounds better if you just switch between the character’s name and a pronoun (he).

Overall enjoyment 1/8
You had an interesting plot idea, but to me, it was marred by the numerous plot holes and flaws in characterization among many other things. There were a lot of times when I was reading when the believability or reasoning behind actions didn’t convince me. A lot of detail flaws were small enough that I didn’t bother to delve into every single thing, but big enough to deter me from reading (such as Baekhyun being younger than Sehun).

(Hearing Xiumin portrayed as an actual Chinese member made me cringe to be quite honest.)

But don’t let this review discourage you! Keep writing, and you’ll definitely improve over time. Your story has a lot of potential with Baekhyun’s character especially, so take advantage of that and keep writing!

Total 41/115 = 36%

reviewer's comment: this was hella long.

august 5, 2015