I want to fly.

 

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to fly. When my teachers ask what I see myself 10 years from then, I told them I’ll be flying in the skies. They scolded me though. They said to at least be serious… but I was serious.

 

But I’ve never had the strongest urge to fly more than now. Here I am, standing on the rooftop with my arms spread wide open. I close my eyes and inhaled. It’s so peaceful. I see the whole city and I think that one more step and I will fly.

 

I put my foot forward and a gust of wind nearly made me fall backwards. Honestly, why couldn’t the wind come from my back and push me? Tch. Once I regained my posture, I close my eyes and put my foot forward again. I smiled.

 

I let my body fall forward and let gravity do its job. Let’s fly. I smiled once again.

 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

 

I fall on my arse. That hurt. My bones hurt. you. I look at the disturbance and glared at her. you Jessica.

 

“Why are you here? How did you find me?” I asked the annoying woman.

“Were you attempting suicide?!?!” She ignored my question and kneeled beside me.

“No. I was attempting to fly.” I said sincerely.

“ you Yuri!” And you too Jessica. “What the hell were you doing?! Were you  just gonna waste Yoona’s sacrifice for you?!”

“I never asked for her to do-“

 

Ouch. She slapped me. My arse hurt now my cheeks hurt. This woman is so violent.

 

“Can’t you just be grateful for once?! Yoona gave her heart to you so that you could ing live!! Do you know how much I ing hate you?! I HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WANT YOU TO LIVE AND BE MISERABLE!!” she shouted at me.

 

Now my ears hurt too.

 

“Aren’t you even feeling guilty?! Your sister gave up her life so you could live!!”

 

Another slap. I think her hand is now imprinted on my face.

 

“Why did you have to ride that motorcycle only to be shot by your gangster enemies?!”

 

A shove.

 

“Why did you need to be in a 50/50 condition?! YOU COULD HAVE JUST DIED IMMEDIATELY!!”

 

A punch on my chest.

 

“YOU SHOULD BE IN HER FUNEREAL RIGHT NOW!! I LOST MY GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDNESS!!”

 

She cried and I felt that pang in my heart. No. Yoona’s heart. Yoona are you hurting too? Does it hurt seeing your girlfriend cry? I’m sorry Yoona. It’s my fault again.

 

I reach to wipe her tears with my fingers. Maybe if I did this, Yoona will stop hurting.

 

She looked at me with her tear stricken face and I felt Yoona hurting again.

 

“Don’t cry. Yoona hurts to see you cry.”

 

I put her hand on my chest and let her feel Yoona’s beating heart in me. She hugged me which caught me in surprise. But what surprised me more was, Yoona. Hah. She must be happy. I hug Jessica back. You’ll be happier this way right Yoona?

 

This is the day that I decided to stop wanting to fly. If I did, Jessica would cry and then Yoona would cry too. I don’t like that.

 

~******~

 

Jessica comes by everyday in my house. I don’t know why. She doesn’t need to. I’ve already given up the will to fly.

 

“Good morning Yuri.” She greets me with a smile.

 

But everytime she comes by, Yoona becomes happy.

 

“You don’t have to come by every single day. I can manage by myself.” I told her. Despite Yoona being happy when she comes by, I don’t want her to push herself.

“It’s okay, I want to see you. Here I bought you breakfast.” She dismissed the topic with a smile and gave me a salad.

 

The more she comes by, the more I get confused of why she does it. So one day when we were just watching movies in my living room, I asked her.

 

“Jessica…”

“Hm?” she hummed while munching on popcorn.

“Why do you always come here?” I looked at her eyes sincerely.

 

She looked at me and must have seen the seriousness of my question. She took a deep breath.

 

“Because you’re the only memory Yoona left with.” She said with her eyes getting teary again.

 

She looked very pitiful. She must have loved Yoona very much. I placed her head on my chest for her to hear Yoona.

 

I close my eyes. If I died immediately, both of them won’t be suffering… because I can feel Yoona hurting like how she’s hurt right now.

 

~******~

 

Her friends brought her in my house at 2 in the morning. She was very drunk.

 

“I’m very sorry for this Yuri but she insisted to drink and drink. Her parents can’t see her like this so we brought her to you. I’m sorry.” One of her friends told me.

“It’s okay. You can go now. I can handle it from here.”

 

Oh Jessica. You are so troublesome. Yoona is worried.

 

I carried her to my bed and proceeded in taking her clothes off. Don’t get the wrong idea. She reeked of alcohol.

 

Once I took her dress off, she was only clad in her underwear. I felt Yoona getting excited. Naughty Yoona. I shook my head and ignored Yoona’s feelings. I put my comfy clothes on her.

 

She’s snoring. I can’t believe it. I laughed. How cute.

 

~******~

 

After that, her friends would bring her to my house everytime she gets wasted. I have adapted to it. They bring her here. I bring her to my bed. I change her clothes and she snores.

 

Tonight was different though. She wasn’t with her friends. She was alone and awake. Still drunk but alone.

 

“Jessica.” I acknowledged her presence in my front door.

 

She didn’t reply. Instead she lunged at me and kissed me. I felt Yoona burst in happiness. I know it was wrong but if Yoona feels happy, who am I to stop her.

 

We made love. I can still feel Yoona’s happiness which made me smile. As long as Yoona’s happy…

 

Jessica moved. She hugged me and muttered words that made me feel different.

 

“I love you Yoona.” She murmured.

 

Next thing I know, tears fell from my eyes. Why? I don’t understand… Now Yoona was hurting too. Shouldn’t Yoona be happy that Jessica still loves her? My heart… Yoona… it hurts so much.

 

One by one it fell and it was uncontrollable. I clutched my heart. It was unbearable.

 

~******~

 

I went to Sooyoung to talk about the strange thing that happened that night and what she told me... brought my brows together.

 

“Yuri-ah. You love her don’t you?” Sooyoung asked me.

“What?” I asked her baffled at her question.

“You are hiding behind the reason that Yoona’s heart is in you.”

“What are you saying Sooyoung? Everything I’m feeling for her is because its Yoona’s heart.” I explained to her.

“When you made love and she muttered those words in her sleep, you cried. If it was like how you say it, Yoona would have felt happy but you cried. Yuri, you love her. I know.” Sooyoung said worriedly.

“You know what?” I asked her frowning.

“That you loved her way before Yoona did…”

 

Speechless that’s how I was.

 

“I know you feel like being with Jessica is wrong. Especially since Yoona gave up her heart for you. You just found a reason to feel like everything was right in place. Now that incident made you wake up and realize everything. You thought that Jessica’s attachment with you was maybe because Yoona’s heart is in your heart and not because of you. That was why you cried.”

 

Wow. Sooyoung-ah. You’re indeed a great psychologist. I should hire you to clear my messed up head.

 

“Yea I guess…”

 

I’ve been hiding. Now I’m caught… and my heart is still hurting. Yoona may be in my heart but it was my feelings not hers. Sadly, Jessica only thinks of me as Yoona's heart.

 

I can never replace Yoona.

 

Ahhhh. I want to fly once again.