"And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain"

 

Donghae’s POV

- Seoul -

 

When i woke up in the middle of the night to grab some water in the kitchen I heard something.

I found Siwon standing in front of the tall windows clutching a phone as he sighed.

'I'm sorry. It wasn't you. It was all my fault.' I heard his voice.

He sighed again as he listened to the caller on the other end.

'I'm sorry... Sooyoung.'

I tilted my head and walked closer to Siwon curiously.

 

It was his girlfriend, Sooyoung. Why would he be calling her so late at night?

I heard the phone flipped closed and came to his side.

Gently landing my hand on his arm, I called out softly, 'Wonnie...'

He jumped slightly as he turned to face me, his features looking tired and drained.

'Hae? Is everything alright? Why are you up?'

I shook my head and asked him question of mine, 'Why are you calling Sooyoung so late at night?'

He sighed again and looked out of the windows into the dark night, 'I did not. She was the one who called.'

'We broke up.' He stated calmly.

I started rubbing his arm soothingly, 'Oh dear. Are you all right Wonnie?'

He nodded briefly.

'Is it because you didn't turn up for the anniversary? Because of me?’ Was is because he came to Heechul's party that night and took care of me?

'It wasnt just that Hae... It's... I-it's complicated.' He pulled my hand and lead me away, 'Let go back to sleep now. Your eyes are puffy already.'

He didnt want to admit it. But i knew. I inevitably caused their breakup.

'I'm sorry Wonnie. I can go explain to Sooyoung if you want.' I said softly once he settled me in my bed. The covers immediately warming me, luring me to sleep.

'Why would i want you to do that Hae?'

'If you hadn't come for me at Heechul's party you guys would still be together right?'

He was silent for brief moments before he answered again.

'Hae. Me and her we wouldn't last no matter what. Sometimes we just mistook certain things too easily.'

'What is it?'

'I do like her Hae. I do. But i realize that wasn't love. But at least now i understood how easy it is to mistake friendship as love – like me and her…,' his voice trailed off slowly.

Lifting his gaze to meet into mine directly, he visibly swallowed and touched my hair gently, '... And how easy it is to mistake love, as friendship. I realize my mistake now Hae.'

My breathe got hitched in my throat as i held his gaze. There was just something about it in the way he said those words that made me just slightly uneasy but my mind was still in too much of a mess to decipher what that all meant.

As if sensing my unease, Siwon laughed, 'Come on. I know this is far too deep for you but can you at least pretend you understand Hae?'

I smacked his hand, 'You stupid. Stop teasing me!'

With that I tclosed my eyes and heaved a sigh of relief silently, glad to know that i had read too much into his earlier words.

 

---

Somehow, for reasons unknow, since the night at Heechul's party, Siwon stopped sleeping in with me anymore.

So when the nightmares started I did what i usually do instinctively.

With my body still trembling in fear, my mind still fresh with images of the past, i ran into Hyukjae's room and threw myself into his bed. Crawling over and waited for him to gather me into his arms and comfort me.

Like he had always done for years.

But the moment never came as I found myself still crying on his bed.

On the empty and cold bed that didn't smell of him anymore.

I began to sob as i remembered that Hyukjae is not around anymore.

 

My heart clenched tightly in my chest and I couldn’t breathe as I trembled in the bed. I felt suffocated by my choking sobs as I panted and struggled to breathe. My head was swinging and it hurt so much. Fear gripping every part of me. I was so alone. Always alone…

 

I fell down face first onto the pillows, burying my face into the softness and continued choking and heaving with uncontrolled sobs.

I suddenly had a thought.

 

Why not just let me...

Let me...

 

Die...

And then… I couldn't breathe anymore as I shut my eyes slowly.

---

 

Hyukjae’s POV

- New York -

 

I woke up with a start and stared at my bracelet.

 

Hae…

 

My heart was pounding fast and I grabbed the nearest phone beside me. Without even thinking I called the number, needing to just hear his voice.

 

It didn’t matter anymore. Even after hearing his voice I would die more on the inside it didn’t matter.

 

No.

 

No.

 

I clutched my head in my hands and started sobbing.

 

I couldn’t.

 

I would go back to him in an instance. The moment I hear his voice I would be destroyed.

 

And everything would be gone. The dream we have had together, it was not just my dream. But our dream.

 

He wanted to see me on stage, fulfilling my passion, showing the world what I could do. Showing the world, and proving to him, that with just a dream, anything could happen.

 

That was my promise to him. If I succeed, he would too. I wanted him to be proud of me. Proud of what we have.

 

The only difference was that I had to go through this process alone now.

 

I smashed the phone to the ground and screamed.

 

And screamed.

 

Letting out all frustrations that had built up.

 

I couldn’t even bring him here. Not to mention that I could not. But I would not.

 

How could I bear to let him suffer together with me. Not him. Not my Donghae. No more.

 

And if I called him now, I knew I would damage him further.

 

He had to move on. For now, he had to move on.

 

He had to…

 

Forget me.

 

With that thought, I felt another part of me died on the inside.

 

---

A/N:

Ugh... I seriously don't like this chapter :'(

I promised things will go faster from here onwards... I think so... I hope so?