Seeing them like this really hurts me. but I know we all tried hard to fulfill our jobs, he tries to woo her while not showing too much affection while we’re near and she acts shy and quiet when we’re together. And me. I put on my mask and try to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is going on between those two, and with me.

I was always alone. I had once thought that she was by my side but my sight is cleared now. I am the leader of the famous girl group, the mother of the group. “You should take care of them” is what I’ve been told, so I did.

Until one day I broke drown in my room but was found out by the members. I told them it was too much for me, I was young and inexperienced for this, the leader shouldn’t have been me, and I don’t have enough skills to lead eight other girls. That dam within me went lose that day and I regret every second even now. I showed too much of myself too early. I opened up too early and it caused this crash that no one knew about.

It was our eye-smiling princess who heard me crying first. I was alone at home because of schedule and I let myself loose after bottling up for the past three months. My mask is slowly being torn and I needed to destroy this one and create another one fast. But what I didn’t predict is that the schedule was cancelled due to an accident near the filming location so the girls came back while I was baling my eyes into my pillow. Apparently it was her who was looking for me first, it was her who heard my sobbing and rushed to my side. I couldn’t control myself and spilled everything to all the members with my head lowered and a sniff her and there. They comforted me with encouragements and hugs but what calmed me the most were fany’s hugs.

After that incident, I felt I was more mature. The paper mask became metal mask. I couldn’t let them see that side of me again or see them red eyed forcing their tears back into their eyes because of me. I should be the one telling them it’s ok, that we will get through whatever obstical there is together. Of course as the leader, I will become fearless and guide them towards our paradise. I could see the girls try to share my burden, try to tell me that I will not be held responsible of them, try to show me that they care for me just as I care for them. Yes, I got those messages but I just can’t stop thinking that they are my babies that I need to nourish and protect, except for one special baby.

It was only a couple years ago that I found out my feelings towards her. All of us know that I have a special liking towards a certain member but it was only because we had been together when we had needed somebody the most; when we just got accepted into the company and lived away from our families. I didn’t know when but my feelings changed, it became more romantic but I knew we wouldn’t work out since we’re famous and her religion wouldn’t allow this, so I kept it inside along with many other things. I began to treasure every single minute I had with you because I know one day you will fly off with somebody else. I thought I was ok with it as long as you’re happy but I didn’t know it would hurt this much.

She had always seemed like my baby so I didn’t notice when she grew up and found herself somebody who treasures her, someone who knows more about her than me who had been by her side for so many years, someone who she is excited to see even for one minute before our stage, someone who she thinks about day and night but is too shy to talk to us about. I notice her change suddenly from the girl that I love to a woman with a man.

I imagined this moment a long time ago; she would find somebody she loves and introduce him to me and I would glue on another layer of mask and be happy for her. But she never introduced him to me; but the small actions I see are enough to me.

I didn’t know this mask would be so heavy to maintain.

I tried to pretend nothing different happened in my life. I looked away when they were together but I still see the glances those two shared, just like my own for her.

I turned into a loner again. My insomnia came back; going to bed the earliest but the last to fall asleep. Dark circles returned and I use make up to cover it up before anyone could see me in the morning. I knew the girls saw through it but being busy preparing for our comeback gave me an excuse that they easily took.

A week before our comeback stage we were all excited but she was the most hyper one. She could see him more now since he will also be there.

Being a big girl group does have some advantages such as having a big waiting room. Having five more performances before ours, we were all chit chatting to get rid of our nervousness. I noticed she was gone.

Four more performances

Three more

Time to move to back stage. I counted the girls, seven and me. She’s still not back from his waiting room. I sighed in my mind as my chest tightened and my mask hardened. I asked our maknae to go get her for our stage.

That girl…Is he more important than our group now?

explaination for the ending: He is more important than "our group", meaning taeyeon had given up and separated her feelings for tiffany from herself. She had always knew that they could never be together but she never really given up the feeling, just hidden it deep inside. Now taeyeon considers the group first and herself last, becoming the leader that she had always wanted to become.

edited apr.9.2013