Leeteuk

I open my eyes and groan at the blaring mid noon sunlight. Flipping over on my belly, I make a mental note to yell at Ryeowook later for drawing my curtains. I’ve told the boy countless times to leave it shut until I wake up and draw it open myself, but according to him, ‘sunshine is good for you’. I figure it’s impossible to go back to sleep now and I get up. When I stand, I feel my head spin and my vision turn fuzzy. I stumble a little and walk to the bathroom once my vision clears. My head still hurts and I knew I shouldn’t have challenged Kyuhyun to that drinking game. I wash up and head to the kitchen, in hopes of finding breakfast—more like lunch—made by Ryeowook.

“Hyung, you’re up!” Our personal chef greets me chirpily.

“What are you so happy about?” I ask, pouring myself a glass of water to ease my dry throat.

“It’s Christmas!” He beams and hangs his apron. I put the jug back in the fridge and turn around.

“Oh yeah,” I mumble and drink my water. My failed drinking challenge was during our Christmas party last night. “Is there food?”

“Yep, I made hangover soup for all of you,” Ryeowook nods. “Shall I heat it up?”

“Thanks,” I sit down at the counter and look through the mail. “You drew my curtains again, didn’t you?"

“Yes. Sunshine is—”

“Good for me,” I finish his sentence with a frown. “When do I ever like things that are good for me, Wookie?”

“Here,” he sets down my soup and a small bowl of rice topped with kimchi.

“I appreciate your thoughts but for the last time, just leave it shut,” I say as I take my spoon.

“Alright, alright,” Ryeowook answers and washes his hands at the sink.

“Where are the others? I don’t hear them at home,” I glance at the empty living room.

“Most of them are off visiting, some went back to sleep,” he informs me and takes a seat across. “How is it? Too salty?”

I shake my head. “No it’s fine, good actually. Why aren’t you visiting?”

“Oh, I already came back,” Ryeowook smiles. “Unlike you guys, I kept myself sane last night so I could visit in the morning and have the rest of the day looking after you babies.”

“Don’t know what I’d do without you,” I chuckle and Ryeowook leaves me to finish my meal. I wash the utensils and change to visit my mother. The freezing weather puts me in a bad mood the second I step foot out of the building. I put on my leopard print mask and slip on my hood. I’m not yet in a clear state of mind, so I choose to take the bus instead of drive. Hopefully, I look so ghastly nobody would be able to recognize Super Junior’s Leeteuk. While walking to the bus stop (which is pretty far), I come across a shopping mall and recall I have yet to buy any gifts for my family. Knowing Inyoung noona, she’d throw a childish fit first and then start nagging. I’m not in the mood to be nagged at. Instead of going straight to the bus stop, I turn left and enter the warm shopping mall. I push down my hood and weave my way through the crowd. I end up buying perfume for my sister and new shoes and a scarf for my mother.

I think I deserve a Christmas treat too.

I say in my mind as I walk towards Starbucks. With my hot chocolate in hand, I make my way to the exit. I push down my mask and sip my drink while I walk. Everybody seems so caught up in their festive mood to pay attention to me. I feel a bit disappointed but more relieved. At least I wouldn’t have to be pushed around a mob of fangirls and scald someone with my drink. Just as I’m about to walk through the automatic glass doors, the toy store catches my eye. Just a look, perhaps? Before I can reconsider, my feet takes off in the direction of all children’s paradise, Toys R Us. All around me, there are families with their whining children. I walk to the girls’ section first and get welcomed by boxes and boxes of dolls in pink frilly dresses. I wonder when I would come here again, but with a family of my own.

Man, I’m already breaking 31, I think I deserve to find a wife and settle down. But my love for ELF and the love I receive from ELF keeps me rooted in Super Junior. Well, at least for now. I walk to the boy’s section and this time, there’s a bunch of robots and power rangers to greet me. I don’t recognize most of the action figures there, except for Star Wars and Power Rangers. I remember myself having a child crush on the pink ranger back when I still watched the show. I’m tempted to buy a figurine for myself, but when I think of my non-existent image, I decide not to. Just as I’m about to turn and leave, an oddly familiar voice catches my attention.

“But you already have so many. And didn’t you pester your father to buy you that Star Wars Lego set just last week?”

I turn around and felt a huge slap across my face.

“But mom! This one is different! Pretty please? It’s Christmas and my birthday,” a young boy tugs at the woman’s coat. He looks about five and is really cute. Huge eyes, chubby cheeks, pouty lips and soft black hair. I don’t see how she can’t fall for the puppy look.

“Park Daeyeol, I already bought you your Christmas and birthday present. Isn’t that enough? You received more from your father and gramps too,” the woman replies firmly. Long and wavy brown hair, eyes like her son’s, lips as pink as cotton candy, face still as youthful as ever. Just like how she was back then. It’s like she didn’t even age one bit.

“Mom,” the kid, Daeyeol, pouts even more. They don’t seem to notice a grown man alone in a toy store, doing nothing but staring at them.

“You—” Her long lecture is cut off by her ringing phone. “Hello?”

There’s a slight pause for whoever is on the line to talk.

“Your son found a new target,” she gives the kid a look. “Okay, we’ll wait right here for you. Bye.”

She put her phone back into her bag and looks at her son again.

“Dayoung-ah,” I find myself calling her name. She looks up and finally notices me standing a few feet away.

“J- Jungsu oppa?”

“Hi,” I smile and approach her.

“Oh. It’s Super Junior hyung,” the kid says.

“Hey kid,” I nod with a grin.

“What- What are you doing here?” Dayoung looks flustered.

“I… Uh, I was just looking around and saw you. Your son, right?” I ask. She looks down and the looks back at me.

“Yeah,” Dayoung uses her finger to poke his cheek. “Greet.”

“Hello,” Daeyeol does a cute bow and scratches his head, wondering why his mother knew his Super Junior hyung.

“It’s been so long,” she says, looking calmer than before. “About 12 years if I’m correct.”

“Yes, about 12 years,” I smile. “How were you the past decade?”

Dayoung laughs and I feel my heart flutter. “Oh, you know, just so-so. But you, you’ve been busy, haven’t you? Being the leader of Super Junior and all.”

“Yeah, it would be better if you didn’t say it so loudly,” I chuckle and she looks at me apologetically. “Just kidding. How old is your son? 5?”

“How old are you, Daeyeol-ah?” She asks.

“Five,” the boy grins proudly and holds up five fingers.

“Daeyeol-ah, you want that action figure don’t you?” I squat down and nodded my head at the toy he’s been bugging his mother for.

“Yes!” He nods eagerly.

“Uncle will buy it for you, so listen to your mom, okay?” I pat his head and fix his hair.

“Thank you,” he giggles and gives me a surprise hug. “I’m going to tell all my friends that Leeteuk hyung bought me a toy. Mom, Jongjin would be so jealous!”

“No, Jongjin won’t be jealous because Leeteuk hyung isn’t buying you anything,” Dayoung tells her son, but I feel like it’s directed more towards me than Daeyeol.

“Hey, it’s fine with me. It’s his birthday after all,” I tell her.

“Is Donghae hyung with you? I like Donghae hyung. Mm, Donghae hyung,” Daeyeol says dreamily.

“Do you still want to buy him that now?” Dayoung raises an eyebrow.

“Daeyeol-ah, you don’t like Teukie hyung?” I ask.

“Leeteuk hyung is third and Donghae hyung is second,” Daeyeol tells me.

“Wow the kid even has his own ranking list?” I look up at her jokingly.

“You should hear about his list of favourite noonas,” Dayoung whispers.

“Then who’s first?”

“My daddy,” Daeyeol smiles widely.

“Of course, that’s expected,” I nod and take the box. “Let’s go pay.”

“Yay! Let’s go!” Daeyeol does little hops on the spot.

“Oppa, you really don’t have to,” Dayoung interrupts.

“But I want to. It’s been so long since we’ve met,” I tell her gently. She doesn’t stop me, but she still seems hesitant about it. “Oh, but I want something in return.”

Dayoung laughs. “Okay, what?”

“A picture with you and Daeyeol, for memory’s sake,” I say bravely.

Her expression is blank and for a moment I think she will say no, but a smile spreads across her face. “That’s easy enough. Daeyeol-ah, let your Leeteuk hyung carry you.”

I hand her my phone and pick up Daeyeol. She holds it up and snaps a picture of us before giving it to me.

“I appreciate it,” I smile and tuck my phone back into my jeans pocket. “Let’s go, Daeyeol.”

I pay for his action figure and a handsome man comes up to us. He’s so good looking, for a second I feel that he’s more handsome than Siwon, but my conscience stops me. He’s dressed fashionably; I think he picked out clothes for Daeyeol, since they both look like models.

“Daddy!” Daeyeol notices him and runs into his arms.

“You’ve been pestering mommy again, huh?” He says and picks him up. I’m thankful for the mask I’m wearing, because it conceals my frown.

“Leeteuk hyung bought it for me, so I didn’t exactly pester mommy,” Daeyeol answers and wraps his short arms around his father’s neck.

“Who?” He finally looks at me with a puzzled look. “Oh my gosh.”

I can hear Dayoung laughing silently to herself at the side.

“Hi. Park Jungsu,” I stretch out my hand for him to shake.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” he says, still in shock. “Park Taejun.”

“No wonder you look so familiar! Legendary Uljjang?” I smile as he shakes my hand.

“Ah, I’ve been trying to bury that title for ages,” Taejun says. “I’m sorry about Daeyeol. He can be pretty demanding sometimes. I suppose you wouldn’t accept me paying you back?”

“Of course not. I wanted to buy it for him. Dayoung and I were high school friends. It’s been so long since I’ve met her, so,” I tell him cautiously.

“I see. Thanks for taking care of her, even now, she can still be as clueless as a lost sheep,” he seems to smile even wider as he turns to look at Dayoung.

“Was that really necessary?” Dayoung grumbles and he makes a face at her.

“All ready to go?” Taejun asks.

“Yup!” Daeyeol answers energetically.

“I’ll be in the car, yeobo,” Taejun tells her and leaves us with Daeyeol in hand.

“It was great to see you, Jungsu,” Dayoung says gently. “You should find a family too, settle down, forget everything.”

“Yes, I should,” I smile bitterly. “You seem happy.”

“I am happy. I think Leeteuk deserves just as much happiness as any other human out there,” her words prick my heart. “Just in case you’d like to chat, my number’s still the same.”

“After all these years?” I ask in disbelief.

“Yes. Well, I was going to change it. But when you debuted, I was like, nah; I can show off that Super Junior’s leader is my friend. But you never contacted me,” Dayoung sighs. “And I never stopped hoping.”

“I will. I will contact you soon. Cup of coffee, maybe. Well, you gotta go. You have a family waiting for you,” I say reluctantly. “Oh, and help me wish Daeyeol a happy birthday.”

“Sure thing. And you, you’ve got a family waiting for you too. You just have to find them. I’ll see you soon,” Dayoung smiles and heads off in the direction of her husband and son. I take out my phone and look at the picture. If anybody else sees this, they’ll think we’re a family. But I know, not even in my wildest dreams would I be able to have Yoon Dayoung as my wife. But hey, if I can’t have a family of my own, at least I can still look at her and pretend that I do.

You’re pathetic, Jungsu. You have to deceive yourself into thinking that you actually have family in order to feel better about yourself.

I’ve been told countless times by people I meet that they would really love to become me. They say they want to enjoy the fame and the love I receive on a daily basis. When I hear that, especially on broadcast, I can only smile, bow and thank them. But inside, I can’t help but laugh at these people. They don’t know anything. Their ignorance is amusing, and it is scary at the same time. They say I’m lucky, and I agree. But in my head, I ask them if they’re ready to give up their freedom, their privacy, their time, their sleep, their youth, their friends and the love of their life for short lived fame.

I notice my chocolate has gone cold, but I still sip it anyway. It still tastes sweet, but a stronger disgusting bitter taste washes over my tongue. This taste, this feeling, it’s the feeling of meeting your first love after so long, and finding out she’s already moved on and started a family. While you, you’re still stuck in the past, waiting for some miracle to happen. I dump my drink before stepping out into the cold.

I mumble to myself, “I’ve got to get rid of this bitter taste.”

I hope I didn't here...