(showing emotions is) unnecessary but

word count: 874 words

summary: because jongdae is the kind of person who keeps their emotions within themselves--he doesn't cry onstage when MID wins, he doesn't even cry in front of s back at the dorm. he laughs, and he celebrates life and hard work. 

Oh Sehun does not know many things. He does not know when his hyungs are mad at him, he does not know when they are not, what Kris’s favorite color is, how to please Jongin or when to not interrupt when the managers are talking about schedules or stuff like that. But he does know when to let his emotions out; when to let his hyungs know that he’s hurting inside because he misses home or when to shower them with affections at times he’s really happy (maybe that’s a maknae stuff but Sehun believes that everyone should do the same, it’s unfair if someone can’t do it). Another thing that Oh Sehun knows is, as unbelievable as it sounds is that his favorite Jongdae hyung is being pushy with his own feelings.

Sehun knows that at times, Jongdae would like to cry (for whatever reason it was), but he never did, at least not in front of the members (except for sneaky Sehun who peeps without permission). Sehun thinks it’s unfair, not for Jongdae but for himself. He has everyone to turn to every time he needs comfort, but Jongdae just put up his signature kitten smile and wore a strong face all the time.

Why can’t Sehun be like that?

But Sehun couldn’t push the feeling of Jongdae being a victim of his own feelings.

One of those times was during MAMA promotion era, and both groups were having a video chat with each other. M was in China, and K promoted in Korea. Sehun saw the smile on Jongdae’s tired face when they practically screamed at each other, sharing funny stories and Minseok told the K members how much he missed Korea. Jongdae just nodded by his side, his grin never leaving his face. But past that smile, Sehun also saw the sparkle of tear threatening to fall.

Jongdae hyung must’ve missed Korea too.

Another example of those times would be when EXO won their first stage at Music Bank, and Suho had broken down somewhere in the middle of his speech (of course he did, seven years of hell and watching his close friends hold that trophy before was piercing enough). Sehun remembered how they chanted ‘don’t cry, don’t cry’ and how Jongdae ended up bringing the sobbing leader somewhere behind during the encore. He remembered how Jongdae comforted the elder when he obviously need some comfort too.

Sehun hated seeing Jongdae so exclusive to attending his own feelings.

And now, today, the sub-unit for Miracles in December won their first award at Inkigayo, and nobody cried but Sehun saw the tired and relieved face on Jongdae’s face.

He reminisced the tough year, starting from the moment the director planned out their ‘Wolf’ comeback. He reminisced the hard training, late-night practices, vocal straining, stages, fan-signings recordings, and the awards they received as reward for never-ending hardwork.

It’s been a long year.

When the unit came back to dorm, they celebrated with a small party from the courtesy of Kyungsoo and Lay’s cooking and manager hyungs’ treat of drinks. They laugh at Jongdae kicking his feet on stage two seconds after the song ended and Baekhyun’s attempt at crying while singing. It was nice and heartwarming, seeing the sincere look on everybody’s faces.  It is not long until they have one of those ‘we just have to cry’ moments and Sehun couldn’t help but to glance towards Jongdae’s direction.

Said vocalist was patting Baekhyun’s back as the other continued sobbing into his chest, murmuring something along the line of ‘I’m so proud of us’ and ‘I can’t believe we made it this far’. Then Sehun saw it again, the spark of sadness in Jongdae’s eyes. Sehun kind of hated it.

So when Jongdae excused himself towards his room, Sehun excused himself not long after and everybody else just continued appreciating hard works.

Sehun slowly turn the door to Jongdae’s shared room and saw the other sitting awkwardly straight on his bed, chin tilted upwards while his eyes stared at the ceiling. Sehun saw the spark of sadness in Jongdae’s eyes threatening to burst, but it seemed like Jongdae is never letting himself free of his own caged emotions.

Sehun took slow steps towards the older and sat next to him, shoulders bumping. Jongdae turned sideways to look at him and gave the younger a tired yet genuine smile.

“Are you okay Sehun? Do you need someone to cuddle you or something?”

Sehun didn’t answer. He figured out he didn’t need to. Instead, he put one arm around Jongdae’s shoulders and slowly whispered in his rarely calm tone.

“Hyung, it's okay if you want to cry.”

Jongdae hesitated for a while, and seconds later Sehun found himself sitting next to a silent weeping mob of brunette locks. Tears were streaming freely, probably too happy to be let out free for who knows how long.

So Sehun did the most sensible thing he thought, and pulled Jongdae’s head close towards his chest and his back.

Oh Sehun may not know a lot of things, but he knows what he’s doing is right, and he also knows he kind of likes it when Jongdae is not that exclusive regarding his own feelings anymore.

xx,

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